Carma
New member
NMD, I found myself in a somewhat similar situation in my marriage.
I fell in love with our neighbor, fought it for 4 years, and finally my husband agreed to a V.
After awhile, I encouraged him to find someone, himself. I had all kinds of expectations about how that would go. None of it went as I had hoped/dreamed/imagined.
Turns out I am a selfish bitch, really. I don't want to share. I want a monogamous man -- maybe even TWO of them. (Or, if only my husband and my bf were bi, we could have had a closed triad and maybe that could have worked).
My husband didn't do poly well. He was all over the place with NRE and shocked by the whole thing. He lies to me and to her. He tangled himself up in so many scenarios, trying to justify everything and make things look the way he thought they should look. He never let the two of us girls meet and become friends, there were trust issues and violations all over the place, and I was an emotional disaster... Ok I'm getting off track here, this is your post, sorry.
You were talking about the crossroads/options. We have just entered a new agreement, that we live together as roommates and co-parents, work on our finances and maybe even some of our communication problems with a counselor.... but we are not being romantic or sexual with each other. We are each free to pursue that elsewhere. We have a DADT policy about our romantic lives. We put a time frame on it, on December 31 we are going to evaluate how it's going.
This new agreement beats all the other ones, as you mentioned, we were glumly considering. No divorce, no commitment to a "marriage" in the usual sense, and no poly. Instead, a fourth solution for us, a temporary, in-house separation. It's something I've felt the most peace about in a long time.
Good luck to you.
I fell in love with our neighbor, fought it for 4 years, and finally my husband agreed to a V.
After awhile, I encouraged him to find someone, himself. I had all kinds of expectations about how that would go. None of it went as I had hoped/dreamed/imagined.
Turns out I am a selfish bitch, really. I don't want to share. I want a monogamous man -- maybe even TWO of them. (Or, if only my husband and my bf were bi, we could have had a closed triad and maybe that could have worked).
My husband didn't do poly well. He was all over the place with NRE and shocked by the whole thing. He lies to me and to her. He tangled himself up in so many scenarios, trying to justify everything and make things look the way he thought they should look. He never let the two of us girls meet and become friends, there were trust issues and violations all over the place, and I was an emotional disaster... Ok I'm getting off track here, this is your post, sorry.
You were talking about the crossroads/options. We have just entered a new agreement, that we live together as roommates and co-parents, work on our finances and maybe even some of our communication problems with a counselor.... but we are not being romantic or sexual with each other. We are each free to pursue that elsewhere. We have a DADT policy about our romantic lives. We put a time frame on it, on December 31 we are going to evaluate how it's going.
This new agreement beats all the other ones, as you mentioned, we were glumly considering. No divorce, no commitment to a "marriage" in the usual sense, and no poly. Instead, a fourth solution for us, a temporary, in-house separation. It's something I've felt the most peace about in a long time.
Good luck to you.