Time Limit...

nightrush

Member
Well, we have been together almost 8 months and the one partner had a break down, almost wanting to end everything and go back to it being him and the other partner, as i joined the relationship.

The other parter made it very clear it will never go back to the way it was... as he was not happy and i make him happier than he has ever been. It made it clear that if the three of us do not work, that we may all end up single or him and i together.

The partner who had a meltdown is feeling like he is being replaced, as i am more affectionate and am willing to share it equally but he pushes me away. The parter who accepts it, i give it to and he enjoys it ( snuggling, handing holding, sex, anything)

So after crying for days all of us, talking though this, the partner who had the blow up turns it on and off.... i am making as many emotional deposits into him as i can and trying to make him happy and bring back our spark. I try and try to give him affection, i tell him i love him and he will no longer say it, but just says i know and i care for you.

So.. this coming weekend Thrus- monday night, i am taking some time off work, taking him on a date alone on friday to the zoo, which he loves animals, then all three of us out to dinner. I told him we could do what ever he wants, and friday night we can all snuggle up and watch a movie together, that he wants.

I told the parter who is happy with me and I'm happy with that there is a ticking time clock. i can not keep giving deposits, and not getting them... I'm sick of crying and doing all the work here...i am willing to take off my ring, gather my things, and say my final goodbye if i do not hear the one parter tell me he loves me again by monday...

am i stepping over the line here ???
 
Looks to me like the triad may turn into a vee.
If the partner who had a breakdown doesn't feel like being intimate with you (physically or emotionally) I don't think you should force it. I agree that you can't keep giving and not getting anything, but it seems to me you can stop giving him attention he doesn't seem to want.
That does not mean your relationship with the other partner needs to pay for it if it's a happy relationship. Similarly, the two others can have a fulfilling relationship together, too. If you were forced on one of the partners and he's now pushing you away, I think it might be time to break that branch of the triad. Who knows, maybe he'll feel better after a break and come back to you. If not, there are still two relationships left, I'm not sure why you'd have to break off just because one of them isn't working out anymore.
 
With this being all of our first attempt at being poly, their agreement was all or nothing... That is why i would have to leave the other one as well... I know that put me in a bad place if this happens, but that is what we all decided... At the time i had great hope and trusted that this would never come... sadly... here i sit... in a very dark place waiting to see what happens...
 
Ok, so there is you, partner A (accepting of affection and overall happy with you), and partner B (doesn't accept affection and refuses to say "I love you" now).

Partner A and Partner B decide to add you to their relationship. They decide that it is either all of you, or you get kicked out so they can return to the way they were before. However, the way they were before was that Partner A was not very happy.

Partner B decides he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Or if he does, he sucks at showing you, to the point that you are unhappy in the relationship. You agree to work on it, but feel that it is unfair that you are treated so poorly. Partner A agrees that it is unfair and thinks he could be happy with you, but couldn't be happy going back to being just with Partner B.

Now, I understand that Partners A and B entered into this together, but does that mean they have to leave it together? I don't think so. If Partner A isn't happy, he needs to figure out what would make him happy and go for it. If it means breaking a promise to Partner B, so be it. As long a Partner B is made aware of WHY things are happening and still chooses to do nothing to change it, he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with either of you. I also don't understand why in the world Partner A would even plan on staying in a relationship that he didn't feel happy in.

On that note, have you communicated to Partner B that you have put a time limit on your relationship? I have no idea how long this has been going on, but if he doesn't know that you are threatening to leave, what good does it do? Do you expect him to magically change just because you've told him you're unhappy without telling him how incredibly unhappy you are? Ignore all of that if you have informed him. :D

I could also see a vee being a possibility, if Partner B was willing to work on his insecurities. If you and he just aren't compatible, you aren't compatible. It sounds like he has a lot of fear and that may be where all of this is coming from. Have the three of you thought about seeking some sort of therapy or counseling to help your communication? Also, the love languages book/assessment is really helpful for people who have different modes of showing affection.
 
Yes that sums it up... I don't see a Vee as being an option at all in this sadly... The time limit is more so for myself, as i torn and i can not continue to cry and be upset every day for the next month.
 
I have learned that hearing the words "I love you" are not nearly as important as the actions of someone I am involved with. I gauge the success of a relationship on how I feel when I am with that person. If I am being treated in a caring, respectful, and honest way, and receiving the affection I want, what difference does it make that they tell me they love me? Hell, often the most nightmarish relationships are supposedly based on love, but so what? Love isn't enough to make it work.

Being treated in a loving manner is much more valuable than hearing those words. Actions speak louder, as they say, and love can be expressed in many different ways. Some people just do not have an easy time saying it, nor in being physically affectionate, and I don't feel it's fair to pressure someone into saying "I love you" or being more physical than they are comfortable with, especially if most of what we have makes me happy.

If you're getting what you need from one partner, why do you think the other partner, a completely different person with their own set of baggage and modes of expression, has to give to you and treat you exactly in the same way? Why turn your preferences into demands? They could say it is quite unloving of you to not let them be who they are and express their feelings in the way they see fit.

Just some food for thought.
 
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I wish it were that simple... We went from total happy, to train wreck. There is no signs of affection, other than him saying he cares deeply about me... the words mean nothing if there is nothing behind them. The one partner yesterday spent part of the day with me working on my rental condo repairs that needed to be done... He has no financial interest in the condo but is always willing to help... I always try to find out the why things happen, incited of the how to make them work... His why... is that he gets happiness out of making others happy and when he sees how happy i am when he does even the littlest thing ( i am easy to please, he will pick be up a box of ranch wheat thins when he goes grocery shopping and it makes my face light up and that makes him happy)....

The three of us have been through hell and back trying to get things to work and now this was kinda blindsided me and the other partner...I have been spending every other week at "our home" and last Saturday the partner who is not feeling as good now was more than happy to walk in the door, get naked, and leave a surprise inside me, and this week he was upset that the other two were naked in bed waiting for him to get back from his workout and did not want anything, but he had it with the other partner last night...
 
Maybe what is needed is not to make it about you and what you're not getting, but to find out what is going on with your unhappy partner and see if there is something bothering him, or some specific consideration he is looking for. Obviously, it seems he is going through something, and may be in emotional pain, but you seem to be taking it personally. Maybe a heart-to-heart among all three of you to see what he needs, and how you can all be happy again, is called for. It sounds like you aren't all communicating together, and you kind of sound like you are holding onto resentments. Maybe you have had enough and are ready to end it with that partner, but maybe there is also a more compassionate solution.


With this being all of our first attempt at being poly, their agreement was all or nothing... That is why i would have to leave the other one as well..
Well, to only have all three or nothing is just an unreasonable agreement from the get-go. Perhaps this is what needs to be renegotiated.

Also, people's desires have peaks and valleys. If you can find it in you to be more patient and empathetic, and allow for him to have his own natural progression in things, maybe you don't have to feel so slighted.
 
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I agree with nycindie on both counts (B seems to be suffering, if you're all supposed to be loving partners then you should try and figure out what's wrong and how to help; and the "all or nothing" policy seems like an incredibly unfair, unbalanced and unreasonable one that you should see about talking through and possibly renegotiating... or at least talk about so that even if it ends, all three of you know the downfalls of that kind of agreement and can make an informed decision about them in the future).
 
I wanted to hold this up. When DH and I were dating we were not exclusive. We were open (now we are in a closed time.)

Anyway...

He was ready to say things like "I love you" much sooner than me. I told him I am a slow burner there and not to take my lack of words as "not love" or "lack of interest." I'm just a slow burner and well... yah. If people are mind, heart, body and soul? I find sharing my body or mind a whole lot easier than sharing my heart and soul. It isn't that I do not want to, it's just that these things come online at different speeds with me, dude.

Where he's wired pretty close together -- he gets those things online much faster.

For a YEAR he'd go "I love you." And I'd go "I know." Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a look of terror. Like "Aaaaah! He's in love, and I'm faaaaallllling too and aaaaah not READY! Don't expect so much of me, I'm not ready!"

I asked for a year of space and he gave it. By then I was not totally confident about dealign with hurts, but I was more ready to try, and yes. I was ready to say "I love you" back.

So... I think an honest talk with B about his inner world state is in order. How are his buckets? Mind? Heart? Body? Soul?
qute
Esp if he's not super emoter -- I get it. But the trio convo has to happen. Don't put THAT off or not be accountable. Shoot, maybe there's a friend 4th pair of eyes/ears he could practice organizing his bucket thoughts with before talking in trio?

However it gets organized... have the "What's this all about here? What now? How to proceed with grace?" convo

Is his own bucket stuff ALSO mixed up with his feelings sloshing about at seeing you and A together? Jealous you guys are fast burners? Is he feeling left behind like a third wheel? It's unfair to push him to burn faster -- he's the one feeling the burn. And maybe he wants to love, but he feels inadequate at his speed?

If DH had told me "hurry UP! Just love me and say it already!" I would have been terribly hurt, horrified and rather than allowing myself to simmer and open up into loving him more I would have clammed up. Threatening to leave me when I was at a vulnerable emotional growing place. And the reason for a year? My previous ex had bombed in a year, so I wanted to have some distance from THAT before opening up to the risk of hurting again. Two break ups too close together would have just STUNK for me. DH respected that and was content to say "I love you" while I responded with "I know."

Perhaps it is another thing. A case of "well, gave it a try and now feeling it's more friend level than not. NOW what do I do?" in B's head.

Maybe if spoken word is no good, just written word? He needs to give a report on the buckets -- all of you really.

Be a friend first. And really? If there's a break up looming? Prepare to be a good ex. You agreed to "all in, or you go."

(I don't think that was the contract I'd sign up for, but I'm not you. So honor this contract, exit gracefully, be a good ex then. Steer clear for a bit and let them sort their dealio.)

Then see what happens. Maybe you and A end up together. Maybe not. Maybe the trio wants to renegotiate a new contract and try again. Who knows.

But allow yourself to end ONE contract WELL before plunging on to another thing. Even if it's some of the same cast of players.

The tending of heart gardens can be painful, seem bleak, barren. But for new things to grow, gardens must be tended, the glunk put in the compost, and then new seeds planted. Everything in turn, in season. Can't harvest anything before planting seed, can't compost anything without pulling out, etc. One thing at a time.

Hang in there.
GalaGirl
 
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I wish it were that simple... We went from total happy, to train wreck. There is no signs of affection, other than him saying he cares deeply about me... the words mean nothing if there is nothing behind them. The one partner yesterday spent part of the day with me working on my rental condo repairs that needed to be done... He has no financial interest in the condo but is always willing to help... I always try to find out the why things happen, incited of the how to make them work... His why... is that he gets happiness out of making others happy and when he sees how happy i am when he does even the littlest thing ( i am easy to please, he will pick be up a box of ranch wheat thins when he goes grocery shopping and it makes my face light up and that makes him happy)....

Have you read the Five Love Languages book? You could even just take the online test, and it might give you some good insights.

Sounds like you really love acts of service 'he's happy making others happy' '...when he does the littlest thing'

So what does other partner do? Maybe he shows love in a different way, because maybe he doesn't understand that you need acts of service in order to feel loved.

I'm more interested to know what do you to for him that makes him feel loved in his way? Maybe is way is gifts. If his way is gifts, taking him to the zoo might not help.
 
Have you read the Five Love Languages book? You could even just take the online test, and it might give you some good insights.

Sounds like you really love acts of service 'he's happy making others happy' '...when he does the littlest thing'

So what does other partner do? Maybe he shows love in a different way, because maybe he doesn't understand that you need acts of service in order to feel loved.

I'm more interested to know what do you to for him that makes him feel loved in his way? Maybe is way is gifts. If his way is gifts, taking him to the zoo might not help.

No, I have not read the book and I will pick up a copy and take some time to read it. The one partner, that I am not having any issues with yes, when he does little things it makes me feel like I am the most important thing in the world to him. The partner that I am still struggling with, cannot even tell either of us what little things, or large things makes him happy. We have both asked him on several occasions to tell us what makes him happy and he is unable to. I feel that it is more than what is on the surface and that he is willing to tell us. I feel that he may not be happy with himself and that is the reason why he is unable to tell us. There is also the possibility that he does not know what makes him happy and we need to find what that is…. This partner is the one who loves animals and that is the reason I was going to take him to the zoo…. Sadly it was WAY to hot, so we went to a movie that he wanted to see and he seemed to enjoy that.
 
I wanted to hold this up. When DH and I were dating we were not exclusive. We were open (now we are in a closed time.)

Anyway...

He was ready to say things like "I love you" much sooner than me. I told him I am a slow burner there and not to take my lack of words as "not love" or "lack of interest." I'm just a slow burner and well... yah. If people are mind, heart, body and soul? I find sharing my body or mind a whole lot easier than sharing my heart and soul. It isn't that I do not want to, it's just that these things come online at different speeds with me, dude.

Where he's wired pretty close together -- he gets those things online much faster.

For a YEAR he'd go "I love you." And I'd go "I know." Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a look of terror. Like "Aaaaah! He's in love, and I'm faaaaallllling too and aaaaah not READY! Don't expect so much of me, I'm not ready!"

I asked for a year of space and he gave it. By then I was not totally confident about dealign with hurts, but I was more ready to try, and yes. I was ready to say "I love you" back.

So... I think an honest talk with B about his inner world state is in order. How are his buckets? Mind? Heart? Body? Soul?
qute
Esp if he's not super emoter -- I get it. But the trio convo has to happen. Don't put THAT off or not be accountable. Shoot, maybe there's a friend 4th pair of eyes/ears he could practice organizing his bucket thoughts with before talking in trio?

However it gets organized... have the "What's this all about here? What now? How to proceed with grace?" convo

Is his own bucket stuff ALSO mixed up with his feelings sloshing about at seeing you and A together? Jealous you guys are fast burners? Is he feeling left behind like a third wheel? It's unfair to push him to burn faster -- he's the one feeling the burn. And maybe he wants to love, but he feels inadequate at his speed?

If DH had told me "hurry UP! Just love me and say it already!" I would have been terribly hurt, horrified and rather than allowing myself to simmer and open up into loving him more I would have clammed up. Threatening to leave me when I was at a vulnerable emotional growing place. And the reason for a year? My previous ex had bombed in a year, so I wanted to have some distance from THAT before opening up to the risk of hurting again. Two break ups too close together would have just STUNK for me. DH respected that and was content to say "I love you" while I responded with "I know."

Perhaps it is another thing. A case of "well, gave it a try and now feeling it's more friend level than not. NOW what do I do?" in B's head.

Maybe if spoken word is no good, just written word? He needs to give a report on the buckets -- all of you really.

Be a friend first. And really? If there's a break up looming? Prepare to be a good ex. You agreed to "all in, or you go."

(I don't think that was the contract I'd sign up for, but I'm not you. So honor this contract, exit gracefully, be a good ex then. Steer clear for a bit and let them sort their dealio.)

Then see what happens. Maybe you and A end up together. Maybe not. Maybe the trio wants to renegotiate a new contract and try again. Who knows.

But allow yourself to end ONE contract WELL before plunging on to another thing. Even if it's some of the same cast of players.

The tending of heart gardens can be painful, seem bleak, barren. But for new things to grow, gardens must be tended, the glunk put in the compost, and then new seeds planted. Everything in turn, in season. Can't harvest anything before planting seed, can't compost anything without pulling out, etc. One thing at a time.

Hang in there.
GalaGirl

Galagirl,

Those are very inspirational words, no matter what type of relationship that you are in. We are both trying to tend to his heart and make him as happy as we can, but at times it seems that he just snaps back into his old self. I am aware that this is not going to happen overnight, but he went from what we all assume was very happy, to being on the edge ready to jump off. We have both communicated with him that we cannot let it get to that level and that if there is an issue, when it happens please say something so it can be corrected. He is worried that if he says something than it will not be a true changes and we are doing it just to please him. While there are things I have changed to appease my partners, there are some things that are just part of me and there are some things that are just part of them and I think two of us understand that.
 
I want to thank you all for your kind words and allowing me to have a place to express my feelings. We are still working on our issues together and trying to move forward. As much as i want to say you until day X or i leave, that is just not going to work, nor harbor an environment of continued success. I promised him as long as we are making continued success, that it would be unfair for me to make such a demand.

I think we have also go to some of the root of the problems that we have with communication. With them living together and me not being there, i don't think he understood the advantage he had. While i cried alone, he had our other partner to support him and he could have vented to him. This has put a lot into perspective and it has allowed me to find faults in my self and work on fixing them. Hell i know I'm not perfect, but i like to make mental plans without sharing them with either plan. While they may just be mental plans, they are still there and i make changes in my life due to it. One being, i was hoping for us to become a family, so i took the semester off school. I didn't tell either of them why i took the semester off, i just did. So i need to work on that a bit more. I will also be looking at some of the reading material presented and my partner found this post and we all took the test.

Thank you all
 
Unfamiliar with terminlogy

First of all, I am sorry to hear that things are on a roller coaster. :( It will work out for the best I'm sure, whichever way it goes. You can't go through life unhappy. I am afraid this would be the way it would be if me and my others (boyfriend and wanted boyfriend) began a relationship. I would really like for it to be harmonious and jealous free, but I I think the consensus is that just doesn't always happen and you have to really work at it if you want it to be long term. My poly relationship is purely a discussion right now. Lots of ups and downs and insecurities at the moment, but alas, lots of listening and understanding and contemplating as well :)

What is a "vee"? lol
 
What is a "vee"? lol

A Vee is what we call a situation where one person has two lovers or partners but those two people are not romantically/sexually involved with each other, but are only involved with that one person. This is different from a Triad where all are involved romantically as a group. Triads are very challenging and will often evolve into Vees if they don't self-destruct altogether. In a Vee, the person who has the two lovers is often referred to as the "hinge," and his or her lovers are called the "arms."

See our Glossary and Definitions thread for more terms.
 
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First of all, I am sorry to hear that things are on a roller coaster. :( It will work out for the best I'm sure, whichever way it goes. You can't go through life unhappy. I am afraid this would be the way it would be if me and my others (boyfriend and wanted boyfriend) began a relationship. I would really like for it to be harmonious and jealous free, but I I think the consensus is that just doesn't always happen and you have to really work at it if you want it to be long term. My poly relationship is purely a discussion right now. Lots of ups and downs and insecurities at the moment, but alas, lots of listening and understanding and contemplating as well :)

What is a "vee"? lol

SnowWhite,

Yes, i assume one way or another it will work itself out.
 
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