wife has left me for her boyfriend

Focus on today, don't worry about poly or no poly. Right now it is moot. What matters is re-stabilizing yourself and your daughter.

The midst of a high emotional time is not the time to figure out what sort of dating arrangement you want in the future.
 
Adding more people to a relationship already on shaky ground usually ends badly.

I once wrote an entry about the logistics of duct tape and relationships.
Here's the ghist using a canoe to represent the relationship:

Canoe gets a crack. Do you
A) layer on the duct tape or
B) spend the countless meticulous hours slathering the crack with polymer and fibreglass then buffing, sanding and buffing and sanding some more?

Personally, I'll always pick the messyness of correction not the quickness of a patch. By adding people to hurting equations it's just, therefore, adding a more sparse field to spread the issue over. When stretched enough a spiders web with tear and break.

Moral of the story?
Leave the duct tape to the quick headlight fix and spend the time correcting relationships! They are certainly not a dime a dozen,at least not where I live...:rolleyes:
 
Huh?????

That sounds a bit harsh, don't you think? If you have an issue with "some on here" do you not think it should be taken up with them in private? and not put it here on this thread.

I'm at a loss as to why I am quoted in that message, I have never referred to strength of love, I'm thinking that this might be a mistaken quote?
 
Fair.... it was a pretty byzantine post., though not all so incomprehensible. Will parse it out better tomorrow, Marcus. It's late, and I'm pretty spent for the day, and only just read your response to me. I was attempting to respond to the gut reaction to Z's situation, like Boring-guy's and others who felt sickly reading Z's post. Whatever, it violated agreements, even social contract. As well I was expressing how Z's almost calm post felt a bit unreal, twice removed... And I wondered to myself other things, like about the intentions/actions of this other fellow? Was he roping the stray? If people don't care about honor, then I suppose they won't. Also saying nothing good comes of putting it exclusively on her as the only culpable one here.I didn't hear Z say he may have no little part in the relationship's symptomatic problem's here). Again, often as not we are unconscious of such weak spots, unless and until you've suffered through and integrated that you were blithely basing things on shaky assumptions.

To all this I also had a reaction to your response, as much as projecting at him that he was a manipulative controller, and several other things that you seem to gather from flimsiest evindence.... I'll discuss it with you at my best convenience to hash it out (as I anticipated your umbrage at my saying "character assassination." I will say, I hadn't read other posts from you before, that I recall in any way, I neither knew you or your usual style or contents of other interactions,,, Nor am I aware of other dynamics since you have a long, established reputation here... just so, it's without previous prejudicial intention I was pointing out my feelings that I might expect a better show. You may be a fount of deep insights, even. I have over 25 years psych counseling exxperience, Still I have my admitted stupidities, and sometimes can over-react or have a jaundiced eye comes to some stuff and bother.

We may even find agreements, and you may find a target, if you shoot a little lower than you did at Zappafreak
... as I ride a Shetland Pony. Jerome Aerdrigh
 
25 years of psych counseling experience

You are in the right place. Your services are required on this forum.

Do your thing. I'll watch.
 
To all this I also had a reaction to your response, as much as projecting at him that he was a manipulative controller

I can only assume that you are referring to this comment:

Your biggest concern over how much time she spends with this guy is how much time she's spending with your daughter? Do you feel like this is entirely honest?

I ask, because it sounds like total bullshit to me, and that you are trying to find an excuse for your attempt to control her actions.

It sounds like bullshit so I called bullshit. He was attempting to control her actions by limiting how she could spend her time with her boyfriend and was using the kid as justification. Maybe I am incorrect but that remains to be seen.

I never made any mention of his being manipulative, you're reaching.

Is this what you think character assassination looks like? A deliberate and sustained process that aims to destroy the credibility and reputation of a person... that's what you see here? Making a judgment call based on what is presented hardly qualifies as character assassination, Aery. I'm not sure what your goal is here but unless you actually have something valid to say to me why don't you leave me out of it.

Nor am I aware of other dynamics since you have a long, established reputation here... just so, it's without previous prejudicial intention I was pointing out my feelings that I might expect a better show. You may be a fount of deep insights, even

Uh huh. I'm not searching for validation from you Aery, you called me out so I was trying to figure out why. It seems clear enough that you are reading something into what I wrote that isn't there, which is your issue to deal with. Use some of your impressive experience as a head shrink to figure it out.

We may even find agreements, and you may find a target, if you shoot a little lower than you did at Zappafreak
... as I ride a Shetland Pony. Jerome Aerdrigh
Again, I have exactly no idea what you are saying.
 
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Huh?????

That sounds a bit harsh, don't you think? If you have an issue with "some on here" do you not think it should be taken up with them in private? and not put it here on this thread.
Harsh. No. Just stating what a few on here believe. They can say what they like. Free country. I'm here to learn. Don't you think the husband would like to know that her boyfriend can't possibly love his wife more than he does?
 
Harsh. No. Just stating what a few on here believe. They can say what they like. Free country. I'm here to learn. Don't you think the husband would like to know that her boyfriend can't possibly love his wife more than he does?



How about stating what YOU believe instead of what others "on here" believe? Besides, i don't think anyone ever said

her new guy can't love her more than you. Love is always the same strength.

Who said "can't" and "always"? Where? I think you are imagining things, but go ahead and prove me wrong if you can.
 
How about stating what YOU believe instead of what others "on here" believe? Besides, i don't think anyone ever said



Who said "can't" and "always"? Where? I think you are imagining things, but go ahead and prove me wrong if you can.

Check out Equal Love. page 2 in polymory.com I had the conversation with them. You did not. I believe just the opposite. It happens all the time. I could probably love another woman more than my wife and the other way around. Never been on a forum were people react like this. Go read the other post and pull your head out of your @%&.
 
SEcondary, we were saying what OUR experiences were, and what it is like FOR US when we love someone. No one said it was a rule that everyone else had to follow, nor that it is impossible to love more or less, even if several of us could not fathom quantifying love. Some other people said it did make sense, but those of us who said that the concept of loving in amounts doesn't make sense FOR US were simply stating our subjective opinions, nothing more. Obviously, you took issue with others having different opinions on love than you have, but bringing it up here is not relevant to this topic! Why are you going on about that on a thread where the OP is in pain over a break-up?
 
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Check out Equal Love. page 2 in polymory.com I had the conversation with them. You did not. I believe just the opposite. It happens all the time. I could probably love another woman more than my wife and the other way around. Never been on a forum were people react like this. Go read the other post and pull your head out of your @%&.

Why did you quote me? I did not even post on your thread so your argument simply can't stand up when you make such a basic mistake.
 
Why did you quote me? I did not even post on your thread so your argument simply can't stand up when you make such a basic mistake.

Sorry I must have quoted you by mistake. It does not cancel what I said and other people have said about love.
 
I'm back

Hello all, thanks for input and your sympathies.

I just spent some time out camping with a friend, away from the internets, the wife, and all other things. It was a very good experience for me...finding that it helps a great deal to step away from "normal life" so that I am not bombarded with the feelings of "wish you were here".

So I agree with what many have said...trying to decide whether I want to remain poly at this point is not a priority. The priority is picking up the pieces and getting my life back in order. I shouldn't be trying to start up another relationship right now anyway. My life is in such an upheavel right now, I'm not exactly sure which direction to turn.

I've truly decided to accept that this is happening. I've also decided that it is best that I don't see my wife for the time being, as it is so painful to see her when we have such different feelings for each other and I will inexplicably attempt to get her to reconsider (which she gets upset over as she has no interest). This is a very difficult thing to accomplish as we have a child together AND we own a business together. So we communicate daily, but I haven't seen her since Sunday.

I am glad that someone else pointed out Marcus' rash statements towards me. It seemed he had some advice somewhere in there, but it definitely felt like he was attacking me. I mean...dude. My wife just left me, show a little compassion?

To address specifically what you said here, YES I was concerned about the amount of family time we were creating in our household. I tried to create a schedule with her so that my daughter was getting enough time. I was starting to feel like we were 2 single family households living under the same roof, splitting time with our daughter. This was obviously an unhealthy thing for all of us involved. You further act as though I am being overly controlling - look sir, she is my wife, and I saw signs of her putting our family at risk. She was putting her time with BF way above her time with her family. It was a serious concern, and by the end result one can see that it was not handled well at all by her. When I was telling her she needed to spend more time with her family I thought I was telling her what she wanted for herself but was losing sight of because of NRE.

I never thought she would want to replace me. If I would have understood that, I would have handled all of this much differently. I just operated under the assumption that she wouldn't actually want to put her family at risk.
 
In some people's world, they do not put ones responsibilities to their families before their responsibilities to their romantic partners. They cannot fathom the difference between you saying to your wife that you want to have more time with her and what you're actually saying which is that she is neglecting her responsibilities to the family unit. They think reminding someone that they need to be an attentive parent is an attempt to control them.
 
I think people who are not parents find it hard to understand how aware children are of family dynamics and changes to it. If this child was used to a specific amount of family time its absence would be missed and the father has the right to bring it up to the mother. I have, to my shame, also got lost in NRE and did not spend as much time being mentally present with my child as I had previously, we were not seemingly doing anything different but because I was distracted she noticed the difference and resented it, children can't rationalise things the way adults can. I only wished I had a spouse there to hit me upside the head and tell me to pack it in!! It is not control, it is common sense.
 
I mean...dude. My wife just left me, show a little compassion?

If you found no compassion in any of what I said then we have vastly differing opinions of what constitutes compassion.

So, now I'm fucking off and I wish you well.
 
I'm see you took a camping "time out" for your mental health. You sound a bit better.

It seems you have decided on some initial steps like not seeing the wife, choosing to accept what is happening etc. That's good -- moving it forward.

Hang in there as you try to arrive at next steps. Remember you don't have to do it all in one go, take it one thing at a time. Consult who you have to consult along the way.

Even though you seem to be moving towards a divorce and working your way out of it, you are still inside the polymath and what one person does can affect the others. The "ripple effect" thing can still be felt. Could remember that, esp with the kid inside the math in there somewhere. This all affects kid too.

You don't have to stay in a marriage that is unfulfilling for sake of the kid, but could take the kid's transition into account and support kid through the change as best as possible even while supporting your own self.

You can get through this. Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
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Hello all, thanks for input and your sympathies.

I just spent some time out camping with a friend, away from the internets, the wife, and all other things. It was a very good experience for me...finding that it helps a great deal to step away from "normal life" so that I am not bombarded with the feelings of "wish you were here".

So I agree with what many have said...trying to decide whether I want to remain poly at this point is not a priority. The priority is picking up the pieces and getting my life back in order. I shouldn't be trying to start up another relationship right now anyway. My life is in such an upheavel right now, I'm not exactly sure which direction to turn.

I've truly decided to accept that this is happening. I've also decided that it is best that I don't see my wife for the time being, as it is so painful to see her when we have such different feelings for each other and I will inexplicably attempt to get her to reconsider (which she gets upset over as she has no interest). This is a very difficult thing to accomplish as we have a child together AND we own a business together. So we communicate daily, but I haven't seen her since Sunday.

I am glad that someone else pointed out Marcus' rash statements towards me. It seemed he had some advice somewhere in there, but it definitely felt like he was attacking me. I mean...dude. My wife just left me, show a little compassion?

To address specifically what you said here, YES I was concerned about the amount of family time we were creating in our household. I tried to create a schedule with her so that my daughter was getting enough time. I was starting to feel like we were 2 single family households living under the same roof, splitting time with our daughter. This was obviously an unhealthy thing for all of us involved. You further act as though I am being overly controlling - look sir, she is my wife, and I saw signs of her putting our family at risk. She was putting her time with BF way above her time with her family. It was a serious concern, and by the end result one can see that it was not handled well at all by her. When I was telling her she needed to spend more time with her family I thought I was telling her what she wanted for herself but was losing sight of because of NRE.

I never thought she would want to replace me. If I would have understood that, I would have handled all of this much differently. I just operated under the assumption that she wouldn't actually want to put her family at risk.

Things always work out in the end. If it doesn't then its not the end.
 
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