New to poly and so many questions...

Tesla

New member
Hello All,

First, I'd like to apologize for the length of this post. Although I have read many of these forums as a visitor, this is the first time I am posting. My boyfriend introduced the poly idea to me about a year ago (maybe longer) and said that we'd talk about it in the future as it was something that didn't feel right in our relationship at the time.

He admitted to having feelings for a friend, an ex-girlfriend. And he said that she felt the same way. I had always known their history, but had never felt any ill will towards her until the moment those words left his mouth. Suddenly, I wanted her blood (okay, I'm being a bit dramatic, but it felt like a dragon had risen up inside of me and wanted to breathe fire across the earth, as if this was the only solution to my problem-I have quite a vivid imagination). I asked him some questions as calmly as I could and tried to listen to and absorb his answers above the sound of the ringing in my ears. He told me to think about what we had talked about, to realize that this is who he is and what he wants and how he had hurt people in the past, but now he was going to be honest and hope that things could work out.

So I thought and I wrote about it and I researched poly. And I really do think it's something I can embrace for him and for myself. :) But I am having the same problem so many before me have struggled with...that so very predictable green-eyed monster :eek:. I am on a roller coaster of emotion. One day I think this is a great idea and the next I am sure the world is going to end if we proceed.

Before he revealed his feelings I was very friendly with this girl and her boyfriend (they are both poly). We spent time at their house hanging out, but now I am a different person around them. I barely talk or smile. I just stare and inside I'm crying and/or furious that they would step into my life and try to ruin everything (because obviously this is their fault! Kidding). I know I am placing blame where it doesn't belong. I know there is no one to blame for anything because a)nothing has happened that is worthy of blame (i.e. no lying, cheating, or deception), and b)the only person I can blame for my terrible reaction is myself.

I have talked to my boyfriend numerous times about this. About what he wants and why he needs her in that capacity in his life. And I try to tell him about my jealousy because I think that talking about it will make it go away. This is where lies a big hurdle for us. He thinks I should keep my jealousies to myself because a)if I don't give it the attention it craves I'll see that it will pass and b)he doesn't want to talk to me about it anymore because he'll just be restating things he's said many times in the past. I asked him how it would be if it were the other way around and I was the one who admitted to feelings for a friend....would he feel this way? He said that even if he did he wouldn't tell me and he wouldn't make me feel guilty about talking to or spending time with the person. I never thought i did anything to make him feel guilty, but upon further review, I "turn off" when he starts talking about her, only nodding and/or saying, "uh huh." And if he is talking to her on the phone, my eyes probably reveal my pain and I again "turn off" and sit tight lipped and stare ahead. He tries to make me feel better, puts his hand on my leg or rubs my back or shoulder while he's chatting with her, but it doesn't change my reaction.

The other night we talked about it again and I told him that yes, I am jealous/envious of her even if nothing has happened between them yet. He said he has nothing more to say to me, that he's told me everything and I have to work it out myself because she's not going anywhere (although right now I'd like her to go to hell :mad: and, no, I'm not proud of that feeling. I'd like for it to disappear because at one point I really liked her. *sigh*). I told him that's not fair because I don't have anyone to talk to about this (I most certainly cannot go to my fiercely mono friends and family) and he has her to talk to and I'm sure he's told her about my issues with everything (he has-another thing I am not happy about). He suggested that I talk to her bf. He keeps trying to throw her bf on me, who is attracted to me, as if he's going to have a relationship with her, I'll have one with her bf, and he and I will have ours and we'll all live happily ever after. How would I even go about bringing something up to this person?

What can I do? Am I being difficult to deal with? I am trying so hard to make this work, but it's very difficult to get past the way I was raised and how I was taught romantic relationships should be. Should I talk to this girl's bf? He really is easy to talk to although I've never spoken to him about something this serious. How do you bring something like this up? Do you think I'll be able to eventually get over my upbringing and be able to embrace this fully? In theory I think it's wonderful, but the minute she's around or brought up I want to put on my hulk hands and smash everything in sight. Am I doing something wrong? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
 
he doesn't want to talk to me about it anymore because he'll just be restating things he's said many times in the past

While I can understand him feeling like he's going around and around the same things with you, and having to constantly reassure someone can get tiring, it sure seems like he's made this all about HIM, and not at all about YOU.

He has these feelings for her and wants her in his life. Fine, that's his choice. But if he also want you in his life, then it seems to me like he needs to treat your needs with more consideration than he's currently doing. If the way for you to work through it is to talk about it a lot, then he needs to listen (assuming, of course, that you're talking THROUGH it as your own issue and not blaming/accusing him). He doesn't even necessarily have to respond verbally- if he's said his piece and there's nothing new to add, then non-verbal support can be good too. Just being there to listen could help a lot, since it also seems like no matter how many times he's SAID something, you aren't FEELING the way you want. "Actions speak louder than words" might apply here.

(For the record, I'm also someone who needs to talk things out multiple times to work through them, but I ALSO reached a point in a relationship where I had to say, "This is going to happen. You need to decide what you want to do about it." But that was after YEARS of communication and negotiation and him being uncomfortable with the unknown, which, turns out, can't become "known" until you try it! So I see both sides, but I identify with what you're saying and think he could handle things better.)

ETA: My husband and partner would both LOVE your name! :)
 
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Ugh, I hate that he thinks you're trying to guilt him when you're only trying to work things out and communicate. Guys tend to do that when they feel they are done talking about something, I think. Anyway, while I don't think it's productive at all for him to just shut you down and refuse to talk with you about how you feel, it is true that your jealousy is yours to work through on your own. He cannot do it for you. However, just telling him how consumed with jealousy you are isn't going to do anything for you.

Jealousy is sort of a conglomerate of emotions, and is never all there is. Usually jealousy "sits on top" of deeper, more difficult feelings that we don't want to face. It's much easier (and very full of lots of explosive energy) to feel the jealousy instead. But what is at its root?

Usually jealousy is a cover-up for feeling hurt, inadequate, and often fears of abandonment. There can also be anger, loss, and a sense that you've been betrayed. When we're jealous we start comparing ourselves with others and always come up short. But it's more important to get at what's underneath the jealousy.

There are a ton of threads here about jealousy - you can do a search. I will share an excerpt from one of my posts on jealousy, which I wrote in another thread to someone else (so as not to duplicate all that writing):
When I feel jealous, I ask myself, "What is it specifically that I am jealous about?" I keep digging deeper and deeper, because I think that jealousy is there over top of other feelings. If you can get to the deeper feelings and just experience them, it helps dissipate the jealousy.

For me, jealousy usually pops up because I have doubts or insecurities, or the person I'm jealous of has either lied or been deceptive in some way, because I think the degree of jealousy I experience is also closely related to trust. But jealousy is also tied in with comparing oneself to others and seeing yourself as coming up short somehow, or more deserving of what the other person has, or less deserving if your esteem is really low.

I have somehow learned to step back from the jealousy when it occurs and examine it. I don't get it right every time, but when it works, it's very freeing. I just ask myself why I was jealous, and get really analytical abut it. I don't think it's enough to say, "Okay, I'm jealous, this is unbearable, how can I stop feeling this way?" Ya gotta look more closely, I think. In so doing, you might find out that what you think you are jealous of isn't it at all. It could be hurt, loneliness, envy, feeling left out, feeling abandoned, feeling somehow "less than."

For example, late last year, I was jealous of another woman who was getting attention from a guy I was seeing, even though he made it clear they were only platonic friends. I realized my jealousy stemmed out of my loneliness (he and I didn't get to see each other very often), and feeling a little sorry for myself.

It's much easier to feel jealous than it is to feel lonely! No one wants to feel lonely. Heck, most of us don't want to admit we're lonely, ever! I know I am much more willing to get caught up in the emotional drama that is stirred up by jealousy than to just sit and feel lonely or whatever else is underneath it.

I have read that jealousy usually involves a mix of different emotions. Perhaps yours is "sitting on top of" other feelings that you are less willing to look at. It's something to consider.

... is there a part of you that you feel is being neglected, hurt, or that you've lost something? People often want the other person to fulfill something in us. We often project something onto them, which could be an aspect of ourselves that we want to come to terms with somehow.

... Have you genuinely asked yourself ... NOT, "oh why does this bother me" -- as if there's something wrong with you for feeling this way but, rather -- "what is bothering me? What is it? Hmmm," like a scientist. Get down to the nitty-gritty to see it. Simply seeing things for what they are, without "doing anything" about it, is enough to let it go. The jealousy and other emotions will stop having any power over you when you know exactly what it is.

I think that it is important to become aware of things like this and look clearly at the dynamics of a relationship, and at the feelings of jealousy themselves. I am always surprised at the sense of calm I experienced when I step back from my jealousy to look at it more objectively. Consider your jealousy an opportunity to learn more about yourself and how your mind works.

We don't need to get wrapped up in our emotions, we can actually observe them. Becoming clear about who one is, what one wants, the mix of emotions we experience, and what needs one hopes our partners (or exes!) can fulfill, would help deal with any jealousy (and any other uncomfortable feeling) that comes up.

I hope you find this helpful!
 
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GirlinGray, I think you're right. I think he could definitely be handling this better, but I am sometimes an emotional basket case and I'm sure this hasn't been easy on him either. I know he loves me very much and I know that he hates to be hurting me, but he cannot help who he is and I have no desire to change him. So, we shall trudge on through the mud until we reach sturdier ground, I guess.

But that was after YEARS of communication and negotiation and him being uncomfortable with the unknown, which, turns out, can't become "known" until you try it!

^This! Sometimes I would just like it to happen, to see what the result will be. I have a habit of building things up in the worst imaginable light. I almost want to give him the green light, just so that I'll see that it isn't the end of the world, he still loves me, values me as a person, and wants to be with me. But, then again, I don't want to rush things, find out that I'm in no way ready for it, and it completely ruin our relationship. He is far too important and brings too much good into my life for me to rush into a possible disaster.

Thank you. I appreciate and am thinking about everything you have said. :)
 
NYCindie, I think I know what he is referring to. One night he was going to a party with her, her bf, and our friend. I was invited also, but I had work early the next day and it didn't make sense for me to go (it was too far away and we were going to have to stay the night). This was a couple of days after we had a LONG conversation on the subject and I was feeling very vulnerable, angry, confused, sad....a whole stew of emotions was boiling inside of me. I didn't want him to go. We invited our friend over to hang out and then after a few hours he decided they were going to go to this party. She was upset when she realized I wasn't coming, but I was devastated when I realized they were leaving. I was actually crying.

What made me more upset was that he never called to see if I was okay. I was a complete emotional wreck when they walked out the door. I heard from him after I texted him to say goodnight, sometime around 2 and he texted back telling me how much fun they were having and that there was a room full of pillows that they were all sleeping on. Well, that sent me into another emotional downward spiral. I am sure everyone can imagine the things I started telling myself was going on. We had to have another talk after that because I needed to know what happened there (and I needed to tell him that I was upset he never checked to see if I was okay). They were apparently all laying down and cuddling all night. Well, I know it's not cheating, but it sure felt like it! Like someone punched me in the gut! Oh, he said, but we all talked about how we wished you were there cuddling with us. Gee, that makes me feel so much better. Ugh. I'm getting angry just thinking about it. Anywho, that's the time I think I really made him feel guilty about hanging out with her.

Usually jealousy is a cover-up for feeling hurt, inadequate, and often fears of abandonment. There can also be anger, loss, and a sense that you've been betrayed. When we're jealous we start comparing ourselves with others and always come up short. But it's more important to get at what's underneath the jealousy.

The most frequent google search I do is poly and jealousy because I am so prone to the emotion, so I've read a lot about it. I really liked what you shared, however. I know that my jealousy is irrational. I know I have nothing to fear from this girl. I've been thinking about it and I really think it all boils down to my horrible self esteem. I compare myself to this girl all day every day and I see all the things about her that he loves and I just beat myself up over it. :( I just keep thinking over and over, how could he want to be with me after he's with her? I mean, obviously he's going to leave me once he realizes how much more beautiful (inside and out) she is, how much better in bed she probably is, how much more "together" her life is. I could go on and on. I stick her on this pedestal as some kind of ideal and I know that I'll never be her.
 
Jasmine, the thing is, I don't prefer to be mono. I too have hurt people in the past because I wanted to be with others and gave in to those desires without being up front and I've hurt other people because I ended friendships with them because I was afraid of how I felt about them and how they felt about me and how that would affect whatever relationship I was in at the time. By trying to not hurt a SO by cheating, I hurt a potential partner (and good friend) by closing them out of my life.

The fact that this is probably a good choice for me doesn't make it too much easier. I still have my catholic upbringing and I still have the examples set by my incredibly jealous and possessive mother. On a family cruise once (I'm talking about 30 family members) my father saw a woman he knew. She had been our neighbor and he had known her father quite well. He asked about him, found out he had passed and took her hand to console her. Woooosh! That's the sound of my mother's purse flying past their heads because obviously he's cheating on her in front of our entire extended family. See where I'm coming from now?

So, while I may have these desires in me, I've have 27 years of the opposite beliefs shoved down my throat.
 
II "turn off" when he starts talking about her, only nodding and/or saying, "uh huh." And if he is talking to her on the phone, my eyes probably reveal my pain and I again "turn off" and sit tight lipped and stare ahead. He tries to make me feel better, puts his hand on my leg or rubs my back or shoulder while he's chatting with her, but it doesn't change my reaction.

I agree with others who've said that you shouldn't have to "keep it inside" My husband also is of the school that talking about bad feelings gives more power to them, but for me it's the opposite, so I do what works for me.

So - a lot of people don't want to hear their partners talk to the phone to other romantic interests with them in the room, or have to hear them talk nonstop about other people (I don't know if you think he is talking about her too much, or more than he used to?)

I don't see why you don't just ask him to talk in another room? Considering you aren't an open poly couple as of this moment, and he knows you are struggling with this, it seems rude to keep subjecting you to this until you are ready to be comfortable with it.

Conversely, is part of it because you want to make sure you know what he is saying to her so you want him to have the conversations in front of you? If so you might want to ask him to have the conversations elsewhere even more, to get used to not knowing everything that is going on/being talked about between them, because if he starts dating her, they will have private stuff, and you will want to get used to that.

I am sorry for what you're going through. Just remember you cant "make him feel" guilty. Do your best to work through your feelings and see if you can or want to try this. Read the stickies and check out the website recommendations etc.
 
Anne, they're not having lovey-dovey relationship conversations. They're friends. They were friends before we met and they'll continue to be friends if our relationship ever ends. I would feel quite immature and rude if I asked him not to talk to her on the phone in front of me. I just don't think it's right and I think it would make him feel worse about the situation. He wants us all to be friends....and (when I'm not being angry or jealous) I do too. I don't think I should feel angry and jealous when he's talking to her on the phone because I know their relationship is platonic at the moment and they're just really catching up as friends.

Maybe you're right, though. Maybe I am trying to "catch" him saying something that will justify my negative emotions. I wouldn't put it past myself to subconsciously do something like that. Sometimes I just like to wallow in my pit of despair and I'll look for anything that will hinder me from climbing out.

The times I'm thinking of that he's been talking to her we've been in the car (so obviously he or I cannot leave the area). And I think that when it happens and we're home on the couch and she calls I think he stays in the room because he doesn't want me to think he's sneaking around behind my back. Almost as if he wants me to see that they only have a friendship....nothing to see here folks, move along.
 
Oh, I didn't think they were lovey-dovey conversations at all. But since he is feeling shitty that you shut down, and you are feeling shitty that you're shutting down and letting your emotions be so visible on your face, there's no reason to not take conversations elsewhere when possible while you are still feeling really vulnerable and trying to figure out what you want to do.

Then again, I'm of the school of thought that phone conversations others are having should be had out of my earshot anyway unless it's going to be short, because i find it distracting, even rude if it's a regular occurrence. If I am in the car, with a partner OR friend, I either want to be chatting with them or listening to music. If they want to spend their time on the phone, and it's not important, they can wait until they have a bit more privacy. But sure, if this is the normal routine in your house, it would be weird to change it now, but it's not like he doesn't KNOW you are having trouble dealing with the new relationship ideas he's brought up.
 
Should I talk to this girl's bf? He really is easy to talk to although I've never spoken to him about something this serious. How do you bring something like this up?

If you are struggling to find people to talk to, I think you should talk to this girls bf. Of course, you'll have to be clear up front that the motivation for your communication is NOT to get it together with him !

So, surely he knows his gf is a hit with your bf?

So, here we go, as a suggestion -

"Hi there, I'd really like to get together with you to discuss whats going on with our partners. I'm new to this, am really struggling, and I'm wondering how you deal with the jealousy and fear of losing your loved one etc? Do you mind if I can get some pointers/reassuring or even just a listening ear from you to allay my fears and help me deal with the situation?"

or similar, you know?

If you approach it that you want to listen to what HE has to say first, he will, I'm sure, be interested in what you are feeling, etc.

worth a try, maybe?

*hug*
 
OK, so here is my take. Tesla the feelings of jealously are yours to own , and realistically yours to deal with, Nothing has really happened yet, yet here you are ready to tear a head off and in tears. You can say things like i was brought up this way and so on, however every one of those things are just excuses.

You need to get down to the base emotions you are NOT dealing with and deal with them, at the current rate your jealous behaviours are destructive and will ultimately break down your relationship, based on what you said its starting already.

Go talk to this guy,(her bf) just bring up what your feeling, invite him out or over for a coffee and just talk, you will probably find it easier to do once you start.

BTW once you do get past these jealous feelings and you can love many it really is a wonderful place to be. Also if you really want to talk I dont mind talking on the phone.
 
So, surely he knows his gf is a hit with your bf?

He does. Apparently, since everyone else is a-okay with it, I'm being silly for not being okay with it. :confused:

I'm almost 100% certain he'd be interested in what I have to say... I just need to get over the fear of talking to someone who IV'm not terribly close to about something I am not comfortable talking about.

I really do appreciate all of these comments. You're all being helpful by just letting me vent and giving feedback. I really think this is helping me to become brave enough to talk to him about everything. :)
 
So, while I may have these desires in me, I've have 27 years of the opposite beliefs shoved down my throat.
At the risk of sounding glib... so what? I've had 51 years of repressive conservatism shoved down my throat. We, all of us, live in a monogamous-oriented society in which we are constantly facing a barrage of "find your one and only to live happily ever after" messages in our faces. I agree with polyq4 - that is just an excuse.

Years ago, I went to see an astrologer to have my chart done. This really has nothing to do with astrology, so whether you believe in it or not is irrelevant. What he told me is that, no matter what traits and tendencies we're born with, talents we learn, or environments we grew up in, our job on this earth is to transcend them. He said, "When you look at your chart, it's not enough to say 'oh, that's why I am the way I am.' One must strive to always rise above the hand you have been dealt in life." We all have challenges, but most of them are not insurmountable.

I think what has to happen to transcend these things that we often feel are so burdensome (like a conservative upbringing) is, first, a surrender to what is. You can't fight it - this is what you were given. Then, next, we stand on our own two feet and carve out a life that expresses our individuality. Instead of clinging to old ideas and hurts and belief systems.

Yes, it requires bravery. You have that. You can confront anything you need to.
 
Sounds to me all this jealousy is your own insecurity in yourself. Think of loving others in this way: how can a lifeguard save a drowning person, when they don't know how to swim? How can you love others, when you don't love yourself, first? It sounds cliche', but a wise Indian once told me, "Hey, if it's cliche', cousin, it's probably because it's true".

You can't dump all this jealousy on someone and hope that repeating how you feel will make things better. You both need to stop and realize how your actions are affecting yourselves, and each other. The party story really makes me sort of feel on the side of your guy, because he was trying to say, "See? Things are fun, everything's okay in the world, no need to be upset!" He was trying to share his happiness with you, and your own insecurities overlooked that meaning.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, you already feel that, but you need to understand that HE'S not making you jealous. Neither is his crush. YOU are making yourself jealous. If you have no confidence in yourself, you can't have it in others easily. And more frightening enough, your jealousy and insecurity could, in the long run, end up pushing him away.

What I like to do is imagine my husband really enjoying the company of another woman so much, and he's filled to the brim with love, and he comes home, gives me a big kiss, and with a smile from ear to ear, tells me about how he and his lovely new crush had such a wonderful time. I can't tell you how my heart swells at this thought, and I really really really hope you can one day let your love concur your insecurity.
 
I really think it all boils down to my horrible self esteem. I compare myself to this girl all day every day and I see all the things about her that he loves and I just beat myself up over it. :( I just keep thinking over and over, how could he want to be with me after he's with her? I mean, obviously he's going to leave me once he realizes how much more beautiful (inside and out) she is, how much better in bed she probably is, how much more "together" her life is. I could go on and on. I stick her on this pedestal as some kind of ideal and I know that I'll never be her.

You said this gal is an ex-girlfriend, right? If that's the case, while he may still want to be involved her, THERE IS A REASON SHE IS THE EX, and you are the one he is living with. True, you will never be her; but likewise she will never be you.

A lot of times poor self-esteem has to do with the messages we recite in our heads everyday and have no basis in reality. And the more you recite them, the more you believe them. Just like anything you practice, you get better at it, and in this case, you've become an expert at believing you don't measure up. While I know it sounds like a lot of psychological B.S., something that actually works is to make a list of things you're good at, things that you like about yourself, and recite them to yourself instead of the negative self-talk. The negative self-talk is a lie that you've just practiced too many times. Practice the good stuff.
 
This may sound out of tune

@Tesla

To start with, I am complete outsider to poly relationship. Yet, I have worked with people of different sources dealing with emotional issues.

After reading your post, I feel that your are quite smart to see benefits of a new approach to handle your situation and give you the emotional control that you are asking for.

I would say that your feelings are more so creating a barrier in your relationship with your bf. This statement is coming from the a background that can be comprehended by reading the book "Ask and It shall be given"(nothing about poly but applicable to emotional issues).

I would say if you could cool down a bit and allow the situation to show what is good for you (and him) in the long run, then you can get a clearer picture of what is happening in your absence (and not assuming) as you cannot be at more than one place at a time.

If you could imagine the situation you want instead of thinking about the situation as it is, then you will notice your relationship to take a direction that is beneficial to you both.

If you could speak to yourself within your silence, "Wouldn't it be nice if" and then speak in yourself about what situation you want, then over the days(weeks/months?) you would notice changes occurring and also be happy about it.

Something like .... "Wouldn't it be nice if he helps me handle this matter?".
Write similar statement in your personal pad or type and store in your personal computer.

Give a week or 2 or 3 for situation to shape-up. There seems to a lot of resistance that has to be smoothly dissolved. And you will be able to.
 
You said this gal is an ex-girlfriend, right? If that's the case, while he may still want to be involved her, THERE IS A REASON SHE IS THE EX, and you are the one he is living with. True, you will never be her; but likewise she will never be you.

This helped. It's incredibly easy to forget something as simple as that when you're so busy tearing yourself down.

A lot of times poor self-esteem has to do with the messages we recite in our heads everyday and have no basis in reality. And the more you recite them, the more you believe them. Just like anything you practice, you get better at it, and in this case, you've become an expert at believing you don't measure up. While I know it sounds like a lot of psychological B.S., something that actually works is to make a list of things you're good at, things that you like about yourself, and recite them to yourself instead of the negative self-talk. The negative self-talk is a lie that you've just practiced too many times. Practice the good stuff.

I've actually heard this quite a few times before (and always immediately thought, what bs!), but after I read your post I decided to give it a go and started my own lists. It's amazing how much my psyche was fighting back. For every thing I wrote that I like it asked, "but what do you hate?" And, "is that *really* something worth liking about yourself? Really?" For every thing I'm good at it countered with, "you're not really that good at it. And you know what you're really bad at? This:_________ and this __________ and this _______." Yikes!

Once I started getting into the lists and was in the habit of telling that bitch in my head to shut up, I started feeling much better about myself and much more calm. :D So, thank you.
 
You need to get down to the base emotions you are NOT dealing with and deal with them, at the current rate your jealous behaviours are destructive and will ultimately break down your relationship, based on what you said its starting already.

I agree. I'm going to try and work that stuff out with myself. I told him the other day that I've been spending years externalizing my happiness and self-esteem, but that's clearly not working out too well for me. It just places my self worth on a shaky tower and the minute some external "thing" that makes me happy disappears, the whole model comes crashing down again. I can't keep rebuilding my self worth every few weeks, months, years. It needs to be built on a sturdier foundation and the only way I'm going to build one is by basing it on myself, essentially internalizing it, because I am truly the only constant factor in my life. I would hate for something born out of honesty, respect and love to be what drags this relationship down. He and I have such a long and loving history... I could never forgive myself for being the reason it fell to pieces.

Go talk to this guy,(her bf) just bring up what your feeling, invite him out or over for a coffee and just talk, you will probably find it easier to do once you start.

I think I will start by writing him a short letter, this way he knows what it is I want to discuss beforehand and I'll be less inclined to chicken out. :p

BTW once you do get past these jealous feelings and you can love many it really is a wonderful place to be.

I certainly hope so.
 
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