The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

So, on the Lotus situation - she came down for a visit for the first time in a long while on Friday and stayed overnight. I was uncertain as to how awkward she might feel but it was good!

We all went to see a friend's band play at a local venue. MrS has a crush on the lead singer - which is adorable (as is she) as he doesn't really know how to flirt and just grins like an idiot when she walks by and waves. He did go up to her after the show to congratulate her on an awesome performance and got a hug :p.

Lotus and I dropped the boys off at the after-party and headed home as we both had places to be in the morning, but ended up talking for a few hours anyway. (Mostly about Dude but about other things as well.)

Turns out that SingerLady did end up coming to the after-party and she and MrS hung out on the couch watching a movie. ("True Romance", for the record, which made me laugh.:))

Saturday turned out to be a bad day for me, not anything in particular - just a bunch of little irritations on top of minimal sleep. (AND, Dude had irritated me before we went to the show, and had been drinking, so was a bad time to address it - addressed it Sat when I picked them up, but blech.) Today was better.
 
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Quotes

Now WarMan has me thinking of other quotes that we use all the time:

"We need bigger guns." (Split Second)

"No two people are not on fire." (StongBad - HomeStar Runner)

"Nuke 'em from orbit, it's the only way to be sure." (paraphrase from Aliens)

"Your kung-fu is NOT strong." (The Core)

... and about 4 zillion others, heavy on quotes from "The Simpsons" "The Tick", The Princess Bride, and every sci-fi movie. I love my life!
 
Wasn't sure whether to post this in the "How are you Doing?" thread or here...I decided to post it here so I wouldn't worry about posting a "novel"

Yesterday I had a very "poly" day. And it was great!

I have been very stressed about work. Last weekend I had a minor breakdown about it. This week the boys have been SO supportive - waking me up, making me coffee, pampering me when I got home, etc.

Yesterday I went out to dinner with MrClean (my Friend-With-Limited-Benefits). He picked me up at work. We went to dinner, had a few drinks and some deep "philosophical" conversation about our views on relationships and the "institution" of marriage. It was good.

We made out in the parking lot for a bit and then he took me back to my office where we fooled around for a bit and then I sent him off and worked on some paperwork until I was sober. (I won't drive drunk - ever. I had 2 beers in 2 hours but I like a LARGE margin of safety.)

So I get home and the boys were all interested in my date (they both know and like MrClean - and are aware of my boundaries with him). So they were both paying attention to me. Then MrS offers to shower me! (Which is something that I usually do with Dude, MrS generally likes to shower alone.) I eagerly accept and some fun-sexy-shower-times ensue.

THEN - both boys take me to bed for some EXTRA-sexy "all-attention-on-JaneQ" times...JOY!

************************

Work Sucks BUT Life is Grand!
 
"Circle of Friends" vs. "Dating Pool" (or, People Are SO Different)

So several threads and conversations recently have led me to wonder where people's preferences for "kitchen table" poly vs. separate/compartmentalized poly come from. I wonder if it has anything to do with another dichotomy that I have noticed around the concept of "dating friends".

Several people here have mentioned that the people they would include in their potential "dating pool" would NOT include people in their circle of friends. (And Dude mentioned at one point that he wouldn't have been friends with Lotus if he wasn't dating her). For me, most of the people that I would ever consider dating would almost certainly come from our circle of friends. I don't generally like meeting new people in social situations - although I am good at it and, obviously, have made new friends that way.

There was a thread about this a while back but basically the options for the initial "relationship escalator" steps for MANY people seem to be:

dating-->sex-->friends-->....= "relationship"

While for me it has usually been:

friends-->sex (FWB) +/- dating...(whatever we end up as)

OR sometimes:

sex-->friends (FWB) +/- dating...(whatever we end up as)

NOW: I did see a bit of the weirdness of mixing friend and dating pools when I inadvertently introduced (via a dating site no less!) my (new) "work" friend (SLeW) - who didn't, at that time, know our whole situation, to one of our "personal" friends and my sometimes BoyToy (MrClean) - who is "in the know".

My thoughts on that are two-fold: #1) She was, at that time, a predominantly "work" friend, although we were working up to more. I wasn't "out" to her as poly yet (although, since I am terrible at secrets, she was un-surprised). #2) I would NEVER ask a friend to keep a secret of mine from their Significant Other (should they actually hit it off and get together) - I just wouldn't tell them, the wrinkle is that he already knew!

So, what did I do? Well, I told MrClean about my concerns (specifically about him "outing" me as poly, as well as other amusing anecdotes that he is aware of :rolleyes:). I told SLeW that I would be uncomfortable if she started dating MrClean because he has "known me for years, and I haven't told you those stories yet" :p. (Which, of course, only piqued her interest!). I also told both of them that they are adults and it is actually none of my business whatsoever.

At any rate - they went out for lunch once. He didn't spill the beans. I spilled them not to long after that. We've all hung out on occasion since then and I know they talk/text but I no longer care one bit as I am an open book to both of them ... and it is STILL none of my business.
 
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For me, the desire for separate/compartmentalized poly is because I prefer to keep things separate and compartmentalized. Home is home; work (when I had jobs) was work; dating is dating. I don't like it when one of those things bleeds over into another, because I want to be able to get AWAY from home when I'm with a boyfriend, or get away from work when I'm home, or whatever.

The refusal to date from my circle of friends is because I don't HAVE a circle of friends, if by "circle" you mean "group of people who are all friends and socialize together". There are extremely few people in my life who I would consider friends to begin with. Other than Doll and Mouse, none of them even know each other, let alone socialize with each other, so I don't consider that a circle. I consider it scattered points on a radius.

I suppose at this point I'm tangentially part of Woody's circle of friends, but in reality I only know nine or ten of the people in his circle, and Doll and Mouse are the only two I know well enough to consider friends of *mine*. Of the rest, I'm counting Stella and Highlight, and many of the other few are women. I don't date women, so none of them are a potential for me, and Stella and Highlight wouldn't be potentials even if I were bi because they're dating Woody. There are only three guys in Woody's circle whom I've met beyond "hi, I'm so and so, nice to meet you"; one is his male housemate who's off-limits as far as I'm concerned because he's Woody's housemate and because something about him makes me uncomfortable; one is in a monogamous committed relationship with one of the regular movie night women; and the third is Lips, who's out of the question because he's married to Highlight and even though I briefly considered it, I realized pretty fast that if I don't trust Highlight when we're both dating Woody, there's no way in hell I would want to be involved with a guy who actually is "hers." (Literally; according to their Fet profiles, she's his owner.)

So for me, the dislike of "kitchen table poly" has nothing to do with not dating from a circle of friends. The first is because I don't like having the lines in my life blurred that much; and the second is because I don't have a circle of friends.
 
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Not sure why, but the phrase "kitchen table poly" really irks me.

I remember that thread from long ago where we discussed whether our relationships started with friends first or sex first, and whatever. I've always been a sex first person mostly because I've never had that many friends and I find it much easier to have sex with someone then to befriend them. I befriend them through sex, actually. I consider sex to be a form of communication, and I oftentimes I find that having sex is a great way to get to know someone better and grow close to them. And physical touch is one of my two top Love Languages.

As I state in my OKC profile, "I'm much more comfortable one-on-one than in a crowd." As an adult, there were a few times in my life I've been a part of large groups of friends and acquaintances due to shared interests, and yes, I got involved sexually with some of the guys in those circles (not at the same time), but never did any ongoing relationships come out of those, nor continued friendships with any of the people. Although I can say that I can be on friendly terms with exes and guys I've had casual sex or short-term relationships with, most of the friendships I make turn out to be temporary. Whenever I was done with a hobby or interest or place to hang out in, the "friends" I had made there were never seen again.

I've always compartmentalized different people/interests in my life as long as I can remember, partly for similar reasons that KC has -- each area of my life is an escape away from another. I don't want to blend it all in. Keeping things separate comes naturally to me. There are a lot of other reasons for that, and writing them all out just made me sad, so I deleted that crap. But it's just what I'm used to now and how I prefer to roll.
 
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Not sure why, but the phrase "kitchen table poly" really irks me.

Funny, I hate that phrase too. Can't come up with a better one though :rolleyes:

I'd prefer to date people I already consider friends, but most are mono and partnered. The rest, not my preferred gender/I'm not their preferred gender, or there's just no chemistry. But even if someone is a random date in the beginning, I need them to become a friend if I'm going to bother with anything long term.

I've always compartmentalized different people/interests in my life as long as I can remember, partly for similar reasons that KC has -- each area of my life is an escape away from another.

I think this is really the big kitchen table poly vs compartmentalized poly determinant.

I don't feel any of that ... I mean, I get down time being an escape from work ... But I don't want a break from anything or anyone in my personal life. The closest I come to that is sometimes being "kiddo-ed out" and turning down friend invites because I need a break from my friends' kids. Alone time is important, but that's not really the same, for that I need *no* people, not *different* people.

I don't categorize work friends vs activity friends vs Andy's friends vs friends I met through other friends... It's all one big gloopy mess of people who know each other to varying degrees. Most people in my life connect to me in more than one way, actually... My friend from work might also be the sister of Andy's friend or something.

The hardest part of poly for me is the sense that I'm missing out on time with Andy or family or friends when I'm out with a boyfriend. Even if all I'm missing is TV with Andy and a long text chat with a friend, I still feel it. I *don't* feel that when I am out on girls night or with one friend but not others. Because those situations feel like nurturing part of my web of social connections and by extension all the other connections. Does that make any sense? I know I'm not explaining it well :confused:
 
Not liking the phrase "kitchen table poly" is why I refer to it as "poly-blob." Not that that's much more pleasant, though I have more fun saying it...

At one point, in one of my mental rants at Woody (i.e. I was feeling upset and angry, so I imagined an argument with him instead of actually *having* one; that's a coping strategy I've found works fairly well to keep me from saying something out loud that I'll regret since visualization is one of my strengths), I referred to it as a "poly Borg collective," which is also fun to say especially if you're dealing with geeks.

Aside from that...Well, to avoid cluttering up Jane's blog, I'm gonna post my thoughts on my own blog, and I'll come back to post the link here.

Edited to add the link: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=318265&postcount=540
 
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Feeling lazy, so double posting (it's my own damn blog anyway:rolleyes:), my reply to the "How are you doing?" thread:

Life just keeps plugging along. Nothing new on the poly front - home life is stable with the boys.

I just had a birthday. SLeW made me my favorite cake and brought it to work.

Dude asked a few days ago what I wanted to do for our anniversary (5 years in a few days), my reply. "Nothing, I dunno, wanna have sex?"

Work is getting done on the "Old House" and, hopefully, it will be ready to put on the market in the next month or so.

I got the federal taxes done and have to do state and local this weekend. Also have to feed the snake and clean her tank.

I am off next week, but will spend it at the office catching up on 6 weeks of paperwork I have been procrastinating on. Blech. So I am taking today off to be lazy and catch up on here.

Me, Dude, and SLL are working on plans to attend Burning Man this year (tickets purchased, Yay!) We ordered bikes so SLeW and I can get me in shape to ride around - haven't been on a bike since college!

So...Life.
 
I don't know what kind of mood Dude was in but it was adorable.

This morning I referred to him as "my Dude" and his reply was that he was "MrS's Dude too" because "he was my friend first".

Just a reminder that my boys have their own relationship outside of romance. Love it!
 
Hey, you know you're supposed to be inviting Dan Savage to your 5th anniversary in a few days, right?

:)

Happy Anniversary! Love your blog, best wishes to all.
 
Something special about five years? ^.^ We will celebrate our 5th in July as well :D

Happy Anniversary, Jane :)
 
Thanks guys! Just keeps getting better every year:)
 
Something special about five years? ^.^ We will celebrate our 5th in July as well :D

Happy Anniversary, Jane :)
Dan Savage has said that he's been to plenty of commitment ceremonies for polyamorous couples but never to a five year anniversary party, so he doesn't think poly relationships last. I'd love to know how many 5 year anniversary parties he's been to for monogamous couples, because in my mind, who has a big party for 5 years? Aren't those usually reserved for longer marriages? Personally, I've only heard of 50 year anniversary parties, but maybe I'm the weird one :) We're celebrating our 25th anniversary this year, maybe we should have a big party ;-)
 
Well, we won't have a party because of it, so yes, you are right, the 0 at the end seems more of a reason to celebrate ;) Maybe our 10th anniversary.

Indeed, it gets better every year as far as we can tell.
 
Congrats to you and yours Jane. :)

This year will be the 7th anniversary of my V's commitment ceremony. We were also together as a V for over three years before that, so we've been together as a V for ten years totally.
 
So, I tend to read here every day but don't often have much to add anymore that someone else hasn't said better.

My life is...awesome, wonderful, stressful, busy. But not a lot of "poly" to comment on. Just little relationship "wins" and bobbles...

So, yesterday I was stressed because MrS was off doing his thing but he hadn't slept in over 24 hours, so I was worried that he would try to drive home. (Driving drunk or sleep-deprived is a HUGE NO WAY in my world - I don't approve of anyone doing this EVER.) So he calls in the wee hours and says that he is done but not in any condition to drive home, so he is gonna sleep in the car. I have NO objection to him sleeping in the car if he shouldn't be driving! BUT, there is also no reason that he shouldn't just get a hotel room and sleep in comfort and not be tempted to drive home before he is ready. His objection? It might cost $200.

So we had a minor tiff. I think $200 (not as a regular thing but this is the first time in 20 years) is a small price to pay for comfort for him and peace of mind for me. (As an amusing aside, he/we didn't actually have to pay $200 - he had a significant "discount" that he didn't even know of.)

So, some interesting thoughts on money (which is a stress in many relationships). Yes, I earn all of the money for our chosen family. We are "well off" if not "rich". The boys would never make a "major purchase" without running it by me first but know that routine stuff will be covered. But my husband felt guilty at the thought of spending $200 on what, in my mind, is a safety issue! Am I that much of a money Nazi?! (Maybe. The real reason we have the cushion that we do is because I really AM very frugal.)

So what happened? He got the hotel room (free), slept a good night and came home to me safe. WIN!
 
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