Proposing polyamory to a partner for the 1st time. Merged Threads, General Discussion

Your best gift to those you love is your own happiness.

I can attest to the fact of this. My husband, Cajun, and I have the same libido problem. Mine is terrible and he's always ready to go. When Elric and I started talking after all these years, my happiness was visibly altered. People actually commented about how much happier I seemed lately and my libido soared...which I shared with my HUSBAND. Ok, so Elric is 400 miles away, but just the happiness that I felt and feel now that we are starting to get our friendship back on track has helped me with my mood which in turn helps my libido which in turn make Cajun very happy. ;)

Happiness = better libido = more sex = more happiness...it's a nice little circle.

*edit* I would also like to add that Cajun and I spend about 90-95% of our free time together. I hate when he has to go out of town for work, which luckily is very rarely. I used to try to encourage him to do things on his own and I would try to do things on my own as I don't want to increase my slight co-dependency problems (part of my anxiety issues) but we still end up doing most things together.
 
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That's all true. About the libido typically being better with happiness (as well as overall health). [Want really good sex? Eat well, exercise, stop smoking, and don't drink too much! -- in other words, get healthy.]

But there's also the fact that people who want to be happy very much prefer to be around other people who also want to be happy and who are happy (or at least willing to give it a try). It's much easier to be happy while around happy people. Being happy around miserable people is for saints!
 
Did you ever know...

JRiver - did you ever know that you're my hero...you are everything I wish I could be ;) Come on, you know the song!!
 
Thanks Mono

I feel schizo lately with this. I think overall I am getting better, though. I can imagine you must have difficulties as well. While you very much love and respect those in your life, I can imagine it is still a tough position with your ideals and such. Your love seems strong enough to transcend those ideals, but I still imagine it is tough. So much growth, so much growth. Good for you :)
 
I feel schizo lately with this. I think overall I am getting better, though. I can imagine you must have difficulties as well. While you very much love and respect those in your life, I can imagine it is still a tough position with your ideals and such. Your love seems strong enough to transcend those ideals, but I still imagine it is tough. So much growth, so much growth. Good for you :)

I became extremely torn when I fell in love with Redpepper. We fought for what we have now which required months of intense sharing, communication and heated arguments. We almost lost each other too which was horrible.

Today I have no issues with our relationship or the people in it....none. This seems completely normal and comfortable to me. This was only possible because we both clearly identified what we needed to be healthy and true to ourselves. We trust each other and want a future together involving all our chosen family.

I think we are rare in some ways. We certainly are lucky considering our different natures and backgrounds. Our love is total. Without that, I wouldn't be here at all and we would be friends but not intimate friends.
 
How to bring it up?

My husband and I have agreed to try something that falls probably somewhere in between swinging and polyamory - basically neither of us wants to have anonymous or casual encounters, but I don't think either of us intends to fall in love with anyone else either, although we haven't ruled out the possibility of this happening. We've talked and talked about it and discussed every possibility, and we've decided not to make any hard and fast rules except not to hurt each other, or at least to do our best not to.

We both live in the area in which we grew up, where everybody knows everybody and everyone's business. We also have 3 kids, and we really want to try to be as discreet as possible, especially having witnessed a few of our more open minded friends' reactions when we have discussed this with them, we dread to think what the reactions of the less open minded ones would be!

We've started going out more and meeting more people, and there are a few people who have become quite good friends recently who have shown an interest. However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?
 
My husband and I have agreed to try something that falls probably somewhere in between swinging and polyamory

Many or most things involve some grey area between this and that, some blending and intermixing. But I don't think this is so with regard to swinging and polyamory. These are apples and oranges. The gap between them is far too tight to slip a butter knife in. One is either pregnant or not; the light switch is either off or on; you've either won the lottery or you have not....

Polyamory is about loving, and you really can't control love--, to be sure that it stays at a constant level "somewhere between swinging (not about love) and polyamory (all about love)."

However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

Start with friendship that builds trust. Once trust is established, there should be no problem. There's no need to rush in.
 
However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

I think you are referring to the very different social, possibly political and maybe even spiritual views of the poly friends you have.

This is not new to me. I am from a very different background from most of my poly friends and certainly from a different political/spiritual background than Redpepper. Would I be fair in saying that these friends would stand out in their physical appearance as well? Most of my poly friends would stand out in my old social circle and in fact would probably not blend well. It is almost two ends of a political and economical scale. Certainly priorities are different.

I have essentially lost most of my old "traditional" social circle. Luckily I don't feel "friendship" in the same way as Redpepper or I would probably be crushed.

There are two influences in any relationship structure:
Internal - those from within that require fundamental agreement between those involved, and
External - those that are exerted by family, friends, and society.

The question is:
“Is what you are looking for internally worth the affects it will have on you externally?”

For me it is 100 % worth it!!
I am an individual and can only speak for myself. You will have to find the answers for yourself in this.

Best of luck and welcome to the forums :D
 
Well, I did say that we hadn't ruled out the possibility of falling in love, but I would also have thought that it's possible to love in different ways and with different intensities - the love I have for my closest friends for example is different to the love I have for my husband - I don't expect to ever love anyone in the way I love him.

However, the main difficulty we have is that there is almost no social circle outside of ours - the area we live in is like one big community which is lovely in some ways but very difficult if you intend to behave outside of society's norms, which from the response we have had so far, we would be - I just find it so hard to believe that when there is honesty and trust in a relationship whilst giving enough freedom to enjoy the company of others, it is regarded as almost as much of a taboo as cheating (comments I've had so far include 'well why did you bother getting married in the first place?' etc. and these are from the more open minded people we know!)
 
In many cases, polyamory is even MORE taboo than cheating. I could never understand that either.
 
I just find it so hard to believe that when there is honesty and trust in a relationship whilst giving enough freedom to enjoy the company of others, it is regarded as almost as much of a taboo as cheating (comments I've had so far include 'well why did you bother getting married in the first place?' etc. and these are from the more open minded people we know!)

People who are happy, loving, loved... and free... are often resented by people who are not.

That, and most folks don't have an imagination all their own. Their minds are off-the-shelf models, and these folks often resent people who own their own minds and imaginations.
 
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Mixed Signals--I don't know if I should broach the subject directly...

Hi there, I'm Soul.

As honesty has always been the absolute backbone of my current relationship, I hate feeling like I'm hiding something when my thoughts turn to polyamory. She and I have been together for a good three years now and although we have done our fair share of experimenting as a couple (sexually interacting with men together), it's more always been more of a toy to play with than anything more.

But whenever the subject of polyamory is ever brought up, I always get very mixed signals.

Before I go forward, I must say that she and I have been working on a novel for almost seven years now which is where most of the discussions originate from.

Examples:

"Well, maybe there is a reason we made them like that," she said when referring to the fact that almost all of our characters are involved in a triad.

"I love you, you are the only one for me, I don't want anyone else..." when lying in bed at night.

"She's stupid, why doesn't she just date both of them and they all can have a happy love triangle--the baby would have THREE parents--that's better than two!" after watching a special on TV about love triangles.

"When we have children, I'm just concerned about the donor. I don't want him to think he can just barge in. We will be the parents, not him, you know? I'm just scared he's going to try to be a bigger part of the child's life than we want."

"You know, Nathan was only jealous at first of Moriah and Vaughan's relationship because he felt like he didn't belong or they didn't love him as much. But after Moriah freaked out and cried over Nathan cheating on her, he realized that she loves him just as much as Vaughan and Vaughan loves him just as much as her, so he no longer feels upset and doesn't feel the need to cheat anymore." This triad ended up raising a good at least eight kids together.

Honestly, I would like a relationship much like "Moriah, Vaughan, and Nathan's". Where they are an exclusive triad that raised quite a few babies together. I'm the product of a single-mom only-child household, so family is really important to me, and I want our children to have the maximum amount of love.

I know she's mentioned other people should just be in triads, and that there might be a reason for us creating all these triads in our stories, but I just don't know if she'd really want that for US.

The other day she said to me in the car, "When do you want to start having kids? I was thinking about a year from now. Since we'll be able to afford it."

But I just don't know how to tell her I'm not just waiting solely for the financial stability of my new job but I'm also waiting to see if we might could find a suitable father for our children.

Wow, thanks so much if you've made it down here!

I'd appreciate any input as this is a great stressor in my life right now.
 
I'm always a fan of simply asking.

The best way to find out what somebody thinks about any given topic is to ask them about it.

It doesn't have to be any Big, Serious Talk (tm)--I'd treat it like any other discussion (like, say, asking about what kind of car you want to buy next). Just ask "Hey, have you ever thought about us having a poly relationship with other people?"
 
I must agree... just ask! And let her know how you feel and what you desire.
 
It doesn't have to be any Big, Serious Talk (tm)--I'd treat it like any other discussion (like, say, asking about what kind of car you want to buy next). Just ask "Hey, have you ever thought about us having a poly relationship with other people?"

Yea, that's true. It's just after three years of being together, it's hard to simply bring it up... but I'll try.
 
Yea, that's true. It's just after three years of being together, it's hard to simply bring it up... but I'll try.

After three years of being together should you not be able to bring anything up?! :eek: With a statement like that it could be you might have some communication issues to work out for starters.

What do you mean when you say you wonder about a donor for your baby... are either of you incapable of creating a child? confused.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here with the baby. Seriously, just work on the relationship part. If you think that the guys you have invited into your bedroom are just fuck toys, you have a long way to go.

Do a whole lot of reading on here and elsewhere, suggest you do some reading together, offer her some links and start talking about it... just start... tell her, "hey, I found this forum on line about polyamory, I'll send you the link. It's pretty interesting." See what happens with that.
 
After three years of being together should you not be able to bring anything up?! :eek: With a statement like that it could be you might have some communication issues to work out for starters.

What do you mean when you say you wonder about a donor for your baby... are either of you incapable of creating a child? confused.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here with the baby. Seriously, just work on the relationship part. If you think that the guys you have invited into your bedroom are just fuck toys, you have a long way to go.

Do a whole lot of reading on here and elsewhere, suggest you do some reading together, offer her some links and start talking about it... just start... tell her, "hey, I found this forum on line about polyamory, I'll send you the link. It's pretty interesting." See what happens with that.

Thanks, that was only mildly offensive. My communication skills are pretty great actually, but I guess me wanting to spare my girlfriend's feelings and risk doing harm to my relationship of three years is just retarded because I mean, being in a relationship for three years obviously means that I should just flat out tell my girlfriend that I want to bring a man into our relationship and shift the whole dynamic. It's not like it's a life changing decision or anything considering I am not just looking to date around--I'm looking for a family down the road.

Well, I guess I didn't make it clear enough but yea, I guess my girlfriend and I have some problems creating a baby. Probably mostly because we only produce the XX chromosomes. We only produce eggs. We are both female. We are a lesbian couple.

Our relationship is perfect how it is right now and I know she's happy with it. Although I want to share this relationship with someone else for more support, more affection, more intense sex, and because I personally feel it's best for a child to have more than one or two parents, doesn't mean that she feels the same way and I'm afraid that bringing it up could possibly cause issues that and I'm honestly a little scared to rock the boat in such a great relationship.

But thanks. I appologize if I sound a little annoyed, but yea, it's a little offensive for you to accuse anyone of--even after being in a relationship or married for twenty years--of being able to bring up the subject of bringing a stranger into your relationship.

That's only kind of a big deal.

I said that our past sexual relationships with others has just been sex. Obviously. That's kind of how threesomes start and end. So I don't understand what you mean, but alright.

I think it's kind of silly but ah well good night.
 
Thanks, that was only mildly offensive. My communication skills are pretty great actually, but I guess me wanting to spare my girlfriend's feelings and risk doing harm to my relationship of three years is just retarded because I mean, being in a relationship for three years obviously means that I should just flat out tell my girlfriend that I want to bring a man into our relationship and shift the whole dynamic. It's not like it's a life changing decision or anything considering I am not just looking to date around--I'm looking for a family down the road.

Well, I guess I didn't make it clear enough but yea, I guess my girlfriend and I have some problems creating a baby. Probably mostly because we only produce the XX chromosomes. We only produce eggs. We are both female. We are a lesbian couple.

Our relationship is perfect how it is right now and I know she's happy with it. Although I want to share this relationship with someone else for more support, more affection, more intense sex, and because I personally feel it's best for a child to have more than one or two parents, doesn't mean that she feels the same way and I'm afraid that bringing it up could possibly cause issues that and I'm honestly a little scared to rock the boat in such a great relationship.

But thanks. I appologize if I sound a little annoyed, but yea, it's a little offensive for you to accuse anyone of--even after being in a relationship or married for twenty years--of being able to bring up the subject of bringing a stranger into your relationship.

That's only kind of a big deal.

I said that our past sexual relationships with others has just been sex. Obviously. That's kind of how threesomes start and end. So I don't understand what you mean, but alright.

I think it's kind of silly but ah well good night.

One limit of bulletin boards is that it is hard to see sarcasm without a smiley. (okay, any hint... that this was sarcastic) I hope the first paragraph was sarcastic.

The biggest blunders in my life have been times when I thought I was communicating- and found out I wasn't. OR when I thought I was understanding, but I wasn't. Most people think they are great communicators. Have you ever met anyone who admitted they were a poor communicator? or even an average communicator?

Poly challenges each person to be a better communicator: on every level, in every relationship.

I, too, did not see anything in the original post that would make me think "lesbian couple." True, it's not fair that we default to the more common MF couple when reading a new member's post. Life isn't fair.
 
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