Proposing polyamory to a partner for the 1st time. Merged Threads, General Discussion

WhatDoIDoNow

New member
I am so new to this and even the term of polyamory :) I am completely open to trying it in my marriage of 6 years. We are a strong couple together, enjoy being around each other, and have 2 kids together.

My questions is how to I introduce the idea to him with out hurting him? I think he is insecure so I don't want to come off as sounding like he isn't satisfying me...help....
 
Welcome to the boards.

If you're in the habit of speaking freely about all subjects, just begin talking. I view additional relationships as expanding my life and making for more good things for me and mine, so I'd speak of it in those terms--nobody's losing anything and instead gaining a good deal.

I'll also suggest sorting out exactly what it is the two of you require from a relationship for it to be worthwhile and discussing how to make certain you provide that for each other while adding other people to the mix. That goes a long way to addressing fears of loss.
 
Thanks for the reply, it was helpful. My unfortunate biggest concern is how to open up that discussion with him without him wanting to immediately ask for a divorce?
 
Welcome to the forums.

Well hopefully you are exaggerating on the "immediate divorce" comment because if that is truly an issue, there are other problems to be dealt with first. You also mention that you are a "strong couple together", does that mean that if you or he went away for a week or even just over night there are problems?

I broached the subject with my husband by joking about wanting a harem (of men), but that fit with our situation and may not work in your case. Chances are that unless he has been harboring similar desires, he will feel slightly hurt and insecure. Then you have to reassure him how much you love him and want to spend your life with him and your family and this poly desire has nothing to do with how you feel about him. After that depends on his reaction.

Good luck!
 
Thanks vandalin. Yes the "immediate divorce" response was an exagerration LOL. Your suggestion did give me an idea of how to approach it...more informally at first I think is the best approach. Now I need to find what to joke about...I hope his reaction is positive or at least not completely negative.

Thanks for your good luck wishes!
 
Well hopefully you are exaggerating on the "immediate divorce" comment because if that is truly an issue, there are other problems to be dealt with first.

I'm going to wear it for this, but….
I don't see asking for an immediate divorce as being too harsh if you are in an established and agreed upon monogamous relationship. Vows are not just words during a marraige ceremony. That is why I would be very careful in saying them.

Once the seed of "I am not enough for my partner" has been planted, it can't be erased in some people. I would be one of those. I know if my ex wife had of asked to explore polyamory with another man during the good years of our marriage I would have left. She did explore a possible relationship with another woman, and due to the sexual aspect of her being with another woman I was prepared to deal with it until they spent a night together. I lost it, but luckily during the night she decided it was not what she wanted. If it had of been another guy, I would never have gotten passed it. I would have left.

I know not all people would react this way, but I do not consider it an unreasonable response nor do I believe does the vast majority.
 
I have a tendency to repeat myself when someone brings up the topic of how to introduce the idea of opening up a closed relationship.

First figure out exactly what you are looking for and work on vocalizing it. I suggest writing your thoughts on paper so you can read them and see if it makes sense. Be specific if this is a want or a need. If you don't get a want you probably won't die or end up doing something that will jeopardize your relationship.
If you deny a need however, you may end up unhealthy and not fulfilled in life which is a form of death in my opinion.

Clarity, clarity, clarity. Don't leave your partner guessing or confused. Be 100 percent honest and don't try to put a good spin on things for the sake of your partner. Get it out very precisely so you can begin the work and move away from defining what you are trying to say.

Hopefully this helps a little
Take care
 
I don't see asking for an immediate divorce as being too harsh if you are in an established and agreed upon monogamous relationship. Vows are not just words during a marriage ceremony. That is why I would be very careful in saying them.

Once the seed of "I am not enough for my partner" has been planted, it can't be erased in some people.

I see your point, Mono, and I do agree to an extent. Maybe it's my rose-tinted lenses that make me hope that anyone who has a strong relationship can talk about things or at least bring up a topic without the first response being "I want a divorce!" If that would be the honest response from the partner then there are other problems, communication being the major one. But this is of course just my opinion. ;)
 
Wow...Mono...wow. Now I am scared all of a sudden. I thought I was working it out and then I got your response. THANK YOU by the way...please don't take it that I don't appreciate your response. I truely do....it just opened up my eyes to the other side of things. Seeing both sides is ALWAYS helpful. Now I have to take a step back and re-think my discussion.

What would your idea be of something NOT to say to him? I am thinking about in terms of in your ex-wife situation. Is there something she couldn't said that would have made it easier to swallow for you?
 
WhatDoIDoNow,

In most of the world I know of, the mere desire for non-monogamy is immensely taboo--especially while married, and nowhere moreso than while with one's spouse! So, I'm sympathetic to the challenge you are facing. Many--even most--husbands and wives are so profoundly caught up in unexamined beliefs that it's difficult to even begin to discuss this matter of opening a relationship up without detonating imaginary land mines and inviting make-believe monsters to a tango.

Let's face it, most of us grew up believing that True Love means Mongamous Love, exclusivity--simple pair bonding. With that, we grew up believing (most of us) that even so much as to desire multiple loves, while in a committed relationship, signals a lack of complete love with our present committed partner. Movies, television shows, songs, churches, families... have whispered or shouted this message in our ears all of our lives -- and continue to do so. So your husband may hear your confession or declaration that you'd like to open your relationship up as "You're not good enough for me, so I'd like to ...". And this may be an extremly difficult thing to get beyond. But it may be possible.

The best footing to be on when disclosing your desire to open the relationship is one in which your husband has NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that he is precious beyond measure to you. If he doesn't already have that sense of things, I'd recommend that you help him to know this before broaching the subject.

The next thing that needs to be established, for best hope of success, is the awareness or belief that -- at least for some people -- 100% True Love needn't be monogamous or exclusive. That message is most easily transmitted by one who knows this in their bones. So get to know this in your bones before broaching the subject with your husband. This is possible to accomplish even without the direct presonal experience of what this may be like. You're in a good forum to meet with people who have this awareness in their bones, already, and also know it in their lived experience. Hang with us a while, and you will find that what we've got is somewhat contagious. It comes to us with experience, but also with a lot of careful inquiry into our own hearts, minds, and social conditioning.

When you do finally broach the subject, if you do, begin by talking about, say, how by chance you started to learn about polyamory -- and talk about the subject as a sort of curiosity, rather than as a plan for your future. Ask him if he thinks that folks who practice polyamory might in fact love one another as much as those who practice monogamy. Talk about it as you would any other curious social phenomenon. Maybe show him a magazine article on the subject.... Ease into it, and maybe eventually show him this forum -- or even this post.

Much luck! I wish you both the very best!
 
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What would your idea be of something NOT to say to him? I am thinking about in terms of in your ex-wife situation. Is there something she couldn't said that would have made it easier to swallow for you?

I won't answer this simply because it is your responsibility to be straightforward in what you want. Something I may say "not" to say to him may be something you actually want. Don't shape the conversation to get what you want, explain what you want accurately and see where that takes you.

Listen to JRM about possible ways to broach the subject to get a feeling for how he will respond to actually being asked "officially" to explore poly. Then decide if it is prudent and worth it to proceed.

Best wishes
 
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Possibly the biggest thing I can recommend is that you remember that he has the right to react whatever way that he does. If you for one second become selfish about it, I fear you will lose the point. This means, no whining about not getting your needs met, or anger about his over reaction etc. This is not a time to be the center of attention in this.

I know that will be hard as I'm sure you have thought about this and want to get moving. It could take a very long time and you will need to be ultra patient and prepared for that actuality.

I suggest that, like anything else in a good relationship, you ask him to explore what it all means "together." Make it your "together" project. Read books "together," discuss "together," move forward "together" and slowly change "together." All the while expressing your love for him and commitment to him as well as your fears, doubts with complete honesty.

If you don't communicate well and in an honest way already then you might want to make your exploration about that first.... how to communicate effectively. Without telling him about your poly thoughts perhaps even.
 
And remember, if you decide to bring up this poly stuff with your husband, it goes both ways and there are benefits in it for him, not just you!

(I use the term "benefits" in the traditional way, not in the "FWB" sense.)
 
Seeing both sides is ALWAYS helpful.


I thought about this some more and something to try might be picturing in detail exacly what you want..in detail, live in it for a bit. Now imagine him doing exactly what you envisioned with another love for him.
Now play out the conversation going the other way...what would you want him to say to you to explain it?
 
Missing something

WhatDoIDoNow,

Let's face it, most of us grew up believing that True Love means Mongamous Love, exclusivity--simple pair bonding. With that, we grew up believing (most of us) that even so much as to desire multiple loves, while in a committed relationship, signals a lack of complete love with our present committed partner. Movies, television shows, songs, churches, families... have whispered or shouted this message in our ears all of our lives -- and continue to do so. So your husband may hear your confession or declaration that you'd like to open your relationship up as "You're not good enough for me, so I'd like to ...". And this may be an extremly difficult thing to get beyond. But it may be possible.

Yeah, this is what I am still hung up on! How is monogamy NOT a sign of true love???? Not forced monogamy, but the person only wanting to be with you by choice and natural inclination???! What is left sacred if you share your body and your emotions/love with someone else???? I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it. I don't get how poly people say it adds something to the relationship when it CLEARLY is taking away. If my partner were to be having sex with another person, that is TAKING away the sex I could be having with her. If she is having dinner/out for a walk/snuggling another, that is TAKING away from she and I doing that! It is clearly taking away. It does not get any more plain to see.
I want this whole battle to go away within me. I never wanted to think about this. If there werent poly people, I would never know and would be non the wiser. Now I keep trying to get to a place of understanding within me, and it is PAINFUL...and even though there are no immediate 'threats' I am still walking around feeling all these imagined threats...and I have broken down in tears on many occasions, and begged and prayed to anything that may be higher than me that listens and gives a shit "WHY"-I don't want this (reminds me of what I did for years over being gay). This goes both ways...I don't want to love another and I don't want her either. I want my fairytale (my gay one). I want us to be all to each other, but it seems like we are just deluding ourselves. I keep thinking that even though we have amazing love, perhaps there is still that 'one' out there for each of us that would have it to where we never felt like we needed/wanted someone else. It HAS to exist...it just has to. I mean, I am sure there are poly identified people very content with a monogamous relationship...if it is the RIGHT person. If two poly people are only with each other, what does that mean??? It means they don't need/want anyone else...and THERE you have it!!
Sorry, I keep trying to get away from here but I spent 20 min yesterday trying to cancel my account and did not see an option then I get a notification that someone has written to something I have and I end up back here..in turmoil.
 
I am sorry you are in turmoil, AJbear77. There are a couple of perspectives that may (or may not) help you.

One is to take what you said and apply it to a child telling his mother that he is worried she loves him less because she wants another child. We are all familiar with the idea of a parent sharing love across many children. So this may be an analogy that could work for you.

Another is to look at the dynamamics of your partner having a best friend (or several great friends). They will go out and do things on their own that takes away the time your partner has with you. People rarely have lives that include their partner 100% of the time. I think it works better to be grateful for the times we have together rather than resent the times we may have apart.

Also, there are benefits to your partner loving another. Sometimes sex drive increases and you may be getting more sex. You will also see them happy and compersion may work for you. You can relate to another person who loves your partner and can appreciate what they love about your partner. Someone who can help plan birthday parties or can be there for your partner when you are unable.

Someetimes poly people will choose monogamy for awhile (or as long as they desire). Some poly people have strict rules on what is and what is not allowed. I think the biggest thing to take away from polyamory is that it is about communicating our desires to the ones we love and realizing that love is not a finite resource (just time we have is finite).

If you need help trying to work through it, you can bounce ideas off of us. It sounds like the geanie is out of the lamp for you and you can't forget. So take time you need to reflect and let us know if we can provide any insights that may be helpful to you.

i wish you the best.
 
well...

I guess we are a weird couple because we do enjoy spending most of our free time together. Always have. Friends have always teased us. We miss each other terribly when we are not together.
With the sex - she has always had a low libido, which is why I had brought the convo of this to begin with (my mistake) because after 9 years of mismatched libido, I am hurtin'. I feel like a part of me is dead inside. I have to have emotions to have sex, though, so poly would make the most sense. It is scary, though, to think that she could have sex with another (and a man at that) and get caught up in NRE and want more sex with them than me...or being that she has always had a low libido, get her sex from the other and meet her 'quoata' and not have any for me. I connect through sexual intimacy...that is where I feel more wholeness and love, she gets it through me feeding her good homemade food and snuggles, but I suddenly have this fear she will turn into a sex vixen with someone who is not me : (
 
How is monogamy NOT a sign of true love???? Not forced monogamy, but the person only wanting to be with you by choice and natural inclination???! What is left sacred if you share your body and your emotions/love with someone else????

I used to see things this way that you're speaking to, but over the years something completely flipped inside me, and now this perspective is alien and strange to me. You see, I know in my bones that exclusivity is in no way a sign of truer love than non-exclusivity; and I know how much healing, joy, and happiness has come to my 13 year partnership with my Kevin when he or I opened up to loving others (though those relatioships didn't last).

"What is left sacred if you share your body and your emotions/love with someone else?"

My goodness! It's all sacred! Every relationship we have is unique, special, entirely itself, and irreplacable. Each of them are an opportunity to open into greater love, joy, freedom, etc.... Each can -- and really should -- enhance all of our other relationships, by enhancing our own lives, bringing sparkles of brightness to our hearts.

Love grows by giving it away, by dispersing it -- not by hoarding or by fearfully protecting and sheilding ourselves from involvement.

I see that you are sexually frustrated because your libido and that of your partner are a mismatch--and that you can't expand your sexual experience as "just sex" because your sex is so much connected with feeling/emotion/love. (Good for you that you're whole in this latter way!) -- There is no shame or guilt necessary for you to want to be sexually fulfilled, my friend! There's nothing "wrong" ... "dirty" ... about your body or about your desire to commune with another/others bodily. Non-monogamy isn't filthy! Loving multiply can be intensely wholesome, and can even enhance your joy, love and intimacy with your present partner. You CAN have your cake and eat it too.

I've said it before in this forum, and it's time to say it again: Your best gift to those you love is your own happiness. Now... meditate upon that carefully and long. Write it down and stick it on your wall, and meditate upon that daily until you have the A-ha! moment, because what I just said is true, and profound. When you are happy you give your best to those you love. It's a fact. Learn it well.
 
I want this whole battle to go away within me. I never wanted to think about this. If there werent poly people, I would never know and would be non the wiser. Now I keep trying to get to a place of understanding within me, and it is PAINFUL...and even though there are no immediate 'threats' I am still walking around feeling all these imagined threats...and I have broken down in tears on many occasions, and begged and prayed to anything that may be higher than me that listens and gives a shit "WHY"-I don't want this (reminds me of what I did for years over being gay). This goes both ways...I don't want to love another and I don't want her either. I want my fairytale (my gay one). I want us to be all to each other, but it seems like we are just deluding ourselves.

Sadly I think I may be the best person to understand you in some ways and yet I can't offer any help right now. Your struggle is too personal for me and I find myself spiralling into empathic sadness as opposed to objective sympathy.

I am genuinely sorry for your struggle and wish I could wipe it away. :(
 
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