I gave up on playing by the rules.
Been with my now ex-partner for 2.5 years. When we partnered, I told him I was polyamorous and I wanted an open relationship. He was fine with that. Each could flirt as desired with others. We had a distance relationship, and we met 3 or 4 times a year until I could move out of my parents'.
During this last year he connected to the internet less often to speak with me due to his poor economy. I was not satisfied with that excuse, I felt he could be doing more to spend time with me (virtually or otherwise). I told him I was okay with paying his phone bill if he would go online or speak with me often. He still wouldn't (he said he felt bad being supported by me in that way).
He told me he was seeing someone he really liked, from his same city, and he was falling in love with him. I felt happy for him. I met his new lover when I traveled there to their city. His new lover is pretty cool, I like him, I gave them my blessing, we had a threesome.
I come back from the vacation. I spend a month hearing almost nothing from my partner, apart from a few words in short bursts every week or so. He goes online after five days of being with his new lover, without contacting me. I tell him angrily I've had it with his lack of attention to me. He tells me he's displeased because he could have been a sixth day with his lover, but instead he has to bear an argument with me.
How do you even DARE to tell your partner you're displeased when he's telling you off for not attending basic needs in a relationship, the NEED to COMMUNICATE. Would you disagree with your wife for telling you off if you came home after days of being drunk without having told her anything about it? No you wouldn't, you would shut the fuck up and take it like a man, knowing you did wrong. This is not exactly what happened but it's a pretty close analogy. How do you expect to keep a relationship this way. You don't.
I thought if I played by the rules everything would be fine, I told him regularly "If there's ever any disagreement don't hide it, express your feelings, we can always work it out". Earlier this year, when I was having a flirt with someone in a closed couple, friend of his, he didn't like that, and I backed off, "You're right, it's better to not do it". Had a discussion about it here in the forum.
But no. It doesn't matter how much you play by the rules. The other person in the relationship has their agenda and their way of being.
I don't exactly know how this will affect my relationships from now on. If there was a big market of polyamorous people the answer would be easy, just stick with those who are experienced / aren't gonna fuck you over unexpectedly. I was the one in absolute favour of an open relationship, and I've been the one cheated on. It feels absurd, out of place, contradictory.
I don't know how it'll be next. I just know I have to change my approach somehow.
Been with my now ex-partner for 2.5 years. When we partnered, I told him I was polyamorous and I wanted an open relationship. He was fine with that. Each could flirt as desired with others. We had a distance relationship, and we met 3 or 4 times a year until I could move out of my parents'.
During this last year he connected to the internet less often to speak with me due to his poor economy. I was not satisfied with that excuse, I felt he could be doing more to spend time with me (virtually or otherwise). I told him I was okay with paying his phone bill if he would go online or speak with me often. He still wouldn't (he said he felt bad being supported by me in that way).
He told me he was seeing someone he really liked, from his same city, and he was falling in love with him. I felt happy for him. I met his new lover when I traveled there to their city. His new lover is pretty cool, I like him, I gave them my blessing, we had a threesome.
I come back from the vacation. I spend a month hearing almost nothing from my partner, apart from a few words in short bursts every week or so. He goes online after five days of being with his new lover, without contacting me. I tell him angrily I've had it with his lack of attention to me. He tells me he's displeased because he could have been a sixth day with his lover, but instead he has to bear an argument with me.
How do you even DARE to tell your partner you're displeased when he's telling you off for not attending basic needs in a relationship, the NEED to COMMUNICATE. Would you disagree with your wife for telling you off if you came home after days of being drunk without having told her anything about it? No you wouldn't, you would shut the fuck up and take it like a man, knowing you did wrong. This is not exactly what happened but it's a pretty close analogy. How do you expect to keep a relationship this way. You don't.
I thought if I played by the rules everything would be fine, I told him regularly "If there's ever any disagreement don't hide it, express your feelings, we can always work it out". Earlier this year, when I was having a flirt with someone in a closed couple, friend of his, he didn't like that, and I backed off, "You're right, it's better to not do it". Had a discussion about it here in the forum.
But no. It doesn't matter how much you play by the rules. The other person in the relationship has their agenda and their way of being.
I don't exactly know how this will affect my relationships from now on. If there was a big market of polyamorous people the answer would be easy, just stick with those who are experienced / aren't gonna fuck you over unexpectedly. I was the one in absolute favour of an open relationship, and I've been the one cheated on. It feels absurd, out of place, contradictory.
I don't know how it'll be next. I just know I have to change my approach somehow.