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  #111  
Old 05-14-2018, 02:48 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 317
Default Crushed and empty

I just checked in for surgery. I am hungry and thirsty and exhausted and sad.

What is really getting to me right now is just the overwhelming feeling that I am damaged and useless. The surprise pregnancy was scary, but at the end of the pregnancy I was going to have another baby. There was going to be a purpose to all the drama. And in the meantime I wasn’t going to stress about birth control because, hey, you can’t get MORE pregnant than pregnant, right?

Who would want me now? I am an emotional mess. I want the intimacy of sex with my partners so much right now (I might feel differently after the D&C when I am sore and bleeding of course.....) but I am so scared to ever be intimate with anyone again. Get too close to me and you might get me pregnant....I feel like I have lost all my “poly street cred” by getting pregnant with no real explanation for how it happened.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Pink: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F
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  #112  
Old 05-14-2018, 02:56 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,183
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*very gentle internet hugs* if you want them

The brain weasels are lying to you. Of course your partners want you. They care about you and want the best for you. You are not damaged nor useless. You are loved and wanted, even now, in this hard time.
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  #113  
Old 05-15-2018, 12:44 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 317
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
*very gentle internet hugs* if you want them

The brain weasels are lying to you. Of course your partners want you. They care about you and want the best for you. You are not damaged nor useless. You are loved and wanted, even now, in this hard time.
Yeah. I know. They love me and they were there for me yesterday. Having the support of both of them has been amazing in some ways — a testament to the fact that polyamory works. They are both so different in the way that they love and support me — it helps so much to have them both here in my life.

But those thoughts — the brain weasels, as you call them — are still there, telling me that my body is dangerous, and brings only stress and grief to the people I love.

The procedure went well. I can’t have sex (nothing in the vagina) for a week. And then after that the doctor said not to have sex again until I have had a regular period, so they can confirm it isn’t a new pregnancy. “After you have had a normal period, you can try again.” It was so hard hearing her talk about trying again, realizing that I don’t have that hope to get me through the darkness.

I didn’t want to explain all the mixed emotions and the complexity and confusion that brought us to this point. I asked if the prohibition on sex was just because I wasn’t supposed to be trying to get pregnant again — like, would sex with a condom be okay?

As soon as I asked it, it felt ridiculous and silly. Using condoms during intercourse clearly didn’t protect me this time around, why should I trust them now?
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Pink: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F
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  #114  
Old 05-16-2018, 06:10 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 317
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Today has been the worst day yet as far as cramping and nausea. Still not very much bleeding. Just a little pink toilet tissue every now and then.

I’m so scared of going back to work. I work a bunch of part-time jobs, but only one where people will have questions. That’s my teaching job. Tomorrow there are going to be 60 concerned pre-teens asking me why I had to have surgery. And I am going to have to figure out what to say to them.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Pink: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F
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  #115  
Old 05-16-2018, 06:45 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,876
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I'm sorry you've gone through this. Sending thoughts for your continued healing.

With your students, could you just tell them that you would rather not share with them what the surgery was, and that you're okay now? I'm a teacher, so I get that kids that age can be seriously curious, but I think they'd be more concerned about whether you're all right than what the surgery was for.
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  #116  
Old 05-18-2018, 04:03 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 317
Default Celibacy?

I really want to have sex.

I am not, of course, because it is too soon after the surgery. But I’m kind of wondering if I will ever be able to have sex again anyway....

This whole experience has been so awful, so terrifying, so out-of-control....how can I possibly take on the risk of that happening again?

I want to be having sex again — and soon — but this was so scary that I am literally considering a life of celibacy. It feels like the only way to guarantee that I won’t experience this pain again. No combination of birth control methods feels safe enough.

And to top it all off, I WANT to be pregnant again. I am caught between wanting to be pregnant and being terrified of an unplanned pregnancy. How can I possibly reconcile those things?

The way I see it, there are three options:

1. Plan a pregnancy. This one seems pretty obvious. You want to be pregnant? Your boyfriend wants to impregnate you? Problem solved. Of course there are more people in this situation than just me and Ponytail. As much as I want to have another baby, I value my relationship with Glasses more than the possibility of having a child with Ponytail. Glasses actually seems more open to the possibility of Ponytail and I having a child, but I still wouldn’t say he is enthusiastic. We agreed to talk about it in a month, so this option (if it ever becomes available) is off the table for now.

2. Go on “foolproof” long-term birth control. The problem with IUDs is that they make me passively infertile. And, well, I want to be pregnant. The idea of sticking something inside my body that takes away my control over my fertility sounds gross to me. I feel like I would be making myself into a sex toy for these men instead of being a human being. I know that is unfair and extreme — I enjoy sex too — but that’s just how it feels.

3. Celibacy. That seems pretty nutty, since it gets me none of my goals (a planned pregnancy; sexual intimacy). But it is also a foolproof way to avoid the outcome that terrifies me the most: another unplanned pregnancy where I don’t know who the father is.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Pink: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F
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  #117  
Old 05-18-2018, 05:10 PM
Noyse Noyse is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 54
Default

Do you have a therapist?
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  #118  
Old 05-18-2018, 05:13 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 317
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noyse View Post
Do you have a therapist?
Yes. I saw her on Tuesday and I see her again on Monday.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Pink: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F
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  #119  
Old 05-19-2018, 02:37 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 317
Default Grateful

This morning we all walked over to a place in our neighborhood for breakfast. My two year old was walking slowly and I was holding her hand. Ahead of us, my five-year-old was walking between Glasses and Ponytail, her pigtails bouncing with each step as she spread her arms to hold each of their hands.

It was beautiful. I felt so grateful for all that I have.

On the way back, the two year old wanted to join. We ended up walking five-across holding hands. Like something out of the wizard of oz except that our urban sidewalks are not quite as wide as the yellow brick road. It was silly and almost obnoxiously cute and there were lots of giggles from the children.

If this is it — if this is as much as our family ever grows — I will be happy with what I have.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Pink: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F
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  #120  
Old 05-24-2018, 01:06 AM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 317
Default Tick Tock

My biological clock is ticking . . . it's almost audible.

I'm not super old -- I only just turned 34. But I have now had two miscarriages -- one due to chromosomal abnormality, and another that is almost certainly also due to a chromosomal abnormality.

And I really think I want another child.

Perfect world? I would wait a year and see how I feel then. My daughters would be 4 and 6 at that point -- about 5 and 7 at the time that I'd give birth to a third child, assuming that I got pregnant right away. It's a bigger gap than I had ever planned, but it would mean that my older daughters would be that much more independent and self-sufficient by the time we brought a new baby into the picture. Plus, they'd both be in public school by that time, so we wouldn't have to pay for preschool at the same time as daycare.

But that would make me nearly 36 years old at the time of having that third child. IF I got pregnant right away and IF that pregnancy was viable and lasted all the way to term. If it took awhile to get pregnant again? If I had a miscarriage again? I could be 37, 38...by the time I was able to bring home a another child. Can I handle sending one kid off to college while another kid is still in elementary school?

And can I deal with the pain of another miscarriage? Can I open myself up to that possibility again?

I'm such a fucking mess right now. I wish my brain didn't swing between absolutes...one moment I want to shove an IUD up there for 10 years and then get sterilized when I am 44 and definitely done with kids....the next moment I am wondering if (and hoping that) I could get pregnant next month.

So...yeah. I guess it's good that I at least have a short-term action plan:

Meet with partners on June 16 (the day we decided to sit down and talk about this).
a. If decision is made to try for a baby soon, then, well, start having unprotected sex.
b. If the decision is made to table the discussion for 1 year (or more) then get an IUD and put a little faith in it (but keep using condoms).

When I think about it that way, it's actually pretty straightforward. The message to myself is: Chill the fuck out.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Pink: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F

Last edited by MsEmotional; 05-24-2018 at 01:12 AM.
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