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  #11  
Old 05-15-2018, 03:15 PM
Remmi Remmi is offline
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Promised updates as i have them.

They are at the ob/gyn. I am getting ready for work so that’s why i am not there. My SO is texting me as they go and it is official. She is pregnant. They are waiting for ultrasound tech to come do the procedure.

Not sure what else to post. A few have made the valid point that i am not behilden to either of them to support a life we did not agree to. We had discussed the hypothetical(or so we believed) possibility of conception tears ago but never expected to have to ever deal with it in reality.

If i am honest, part of what has me holding on is that i love him and after almost ten years together cannot picture my life without him or our pups. I know that dogs are just pets but they really are like four legged kids and I cannot just walk away from them. Also, there is a stubborn rage, perhaps spite, that has me digging my heels in. The day we found out ( for sake of clarity we will call my so “red” me “hope” my friend”faith” and the fwb”meg”) meg was pregnant via home test i took her to subway to get some food. While there she made a crack that “I didn’t do it, it’s not my fault” i know she was joking and nervous but i snapped back “it absolutely IS your fault and you DID do it. Had you been on the birth control like you said we wouldn’t be here. If you had gone to the doctor and gotten birth control like you promised after comig clean we wouldn’t be here”. She said he hadn’t asked her about it (birth control) anymore so she dropped it. I replied “that’s because he said you beeded to get on birth control like you said you were and be an adult and expected you to act like an adult” She laughed and said sarcastically that i had “discovered her diabolical plan to get knocked up and keep him all to herself”. I know it was a joke, but in all laughter there is a nugget of truth and i have tried to let it go but i will be goddamned if a twirp of a 27 year old thinks she is gonna use a kid to get rid of me. Maybe that is spiteful but i have put literal blood sweat and tears into this relationship and i will not be run off just because you want him “all to yourself”
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  #12  
Old 05-15-2018, 06:19 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Remmi,
Thanks for that update.

It seems to me that Red and Meg are taking this all very lightly. Considering that Red supposedly didn't want children. You are in the right to be angry with Meg, but Red's behavior has also been unacceptable so far. Honestly, he should not have just assumed he was infertile and relied on that assumption. If there was doubt enough for you to be safe and get an IUD, then there was doubt enough for him to be safe and get a vasectomy. He declined to do that. That is action, and it speaks louder than words.

If I were him, I fancy that I would be stone cold towards her. Saying something like, "You gave me your word that you would use birth control. You broke your word. You lied to me. Since you lied about birth control, you are now in a situation where you would have to get an abortion in order to make good on your promises. You are refusing to do that. You are continuing to break your word. And my support of you was based on the assumption that you would be honest. As you are refusing to be honest, I will refuse to support you. I will refuse to support this child. You are on your own." I don't know if Meg can legally force Red to support her, but if I were Red, I fancy that I would limit my support to that which the Law forced me to provide (e.g., financial support, and the minimum of that).

Whatever his reasons, Red is choosing to support her. He is choosing to be very friendly towards her about it. So this situation is not just Meg's doing, it is his doing as well. If I were you, I fancy that I would be less than pleased with him. And that may indeed be how you are feeling about this. Not that there's anything you are obligated to do to prove that you feel a certain way, but I wanted to say that I had noticed his part in all of this. Of course, I don't regard her very highly either.

I can see why you would feel that she would "win" if you broke up with Red. You are kind of in a sucky position where you will "lose" no matter what you do. You have my sympathies. It's unfortunate that she did indeed turn out to be pregnant. I hope that you'll be able to make the best of the situation. Do continue to update us sometimes, as long as you're willing. I'm anxious to hear how things turn out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #13  
Old 05-15-2018, 07:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
If i am honest, part of what has me holding on is that i love him and after almost ten years together cannot picture my life without him or our pups.
That's ok if you cannot picture it right now. These changes are happening fast. This wasn't the plan you wanted for your future. So you haven't had TIME to imagine a different kind of life much less plan for one.

Quote:
I know that dogs are just pets but they really are like four legged kids and I cannot just walk away from them.
Dogs can come with you.

Quote:
Also, there is a stubborn rage, perhaps spite, that has me digging my heels in.
Be careful of that. Don't make decisions angry. Perhaps it is easier to be mad at her than him right now. You aren't ready to be upset with him.

Yet he had a role in the situation making. He said he wanted no children but still had unprotected sex with a woman who was not on BC. How does this behavior match the words? They don't.

Quote:
She laughed and said sarcastically that i had “discovered her diabolical plan to get knocked up and keep him all to herself”. I know it was a joke, but in all laughter there is a nugget of truth and i have tried to let it go but i will be goddamned if a twirp of a 27 year old thinks she is gonna use a kid to get rid of me.
I guess I don't see it as you being "run off" if you decide to leave.

If you decide to leave or ask them to move out? I see it as YOU deciding for your own self what to do and what people you want to hang around with. I think that's fair. You DO get to pick your going or staying. You are in charge of you.

People who are so uncaring about how their actions can affect others? That's a good way to break trust with those others.

Her "jokes" are not jokes at all. They are not funny. They are not kind or loving behavior.

Him going along with all this? No apology? Just baby gaga? You and Faith are supposed to smile and lump it? I could be wrong in my impression but if that's how he's acting... not very kind or loving behavior there either.

It's terrible to get attached to a kid that is not yours, when the kid can be whisked away by the legal parents at any time without caring how it affects you or the child. Not to mentioned strained finances.

I don't see where you "staying from spite" is any kind of "win" for your health and well being. Staying from spite is not staying from anything joy promoting or health promoting. You staying from your own spitefulness/anger/mean to "get back at her" and spread the spite/mean -- that's not really your best self, is it? And what kind of house is that to raise a baby in? What did the baby do?

It also seems like maybe some sunk cost fallacy going on here. I can imagine Red treated you well in the past and that's where the love first grew from. But LATELY? Red's being really cavalier and not treating his partners (you and Faith) well if he's so careless with BC/sex health stuff. That doesn't sound loving to me.

If you stay? I fear you might be teaching that you might fuss and complain some but basically they can do whatever they want. Including saying one thing and doing another. Or breaking promises/agreements. And you will STILL stick around taking it and there will be no lasting consequence. You will help to clean up a mess you did not make -- raising a kid that isn't yours, paying to support them/their offspring.

I don't think you will get more respect by staying here.

I worry you will get LESS.

And what happens now for BC? He's still gonna go bareback and she's still gonna be lax? Are there gonna ne MORE children making finances even tougher?

I urge you you to take a time out and do some soul searching. Don't decide things because you are in a rage and mad at her. Please also do not cut your nose to spite your own face.

But calm and collect yourself and then really think what is best for YOUR future well being. The 4 person deal was broken. You do NOT have to automatically renew for this "new deal."

Maybe it means you continue with him but they move out elsewhere. You don't want to be part of their new family/live with a baby.

Or maybe you cut ties entirely with them all.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-16-2018 at 02:31 AM.
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  #14  
Old 05-15-2018, 07:58 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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EVERYTHING that Kevin just said.

I soooo feel for you, Remmi (Hope). You have truly been placed in a near-impossible position and none of it is by your own making.

I second Kevin's statement that you - and your other friend, Faith - have a right to be furious with the both of them, Red and Meg. In fact, by virtue of NOT being a nesting partner, Faith will probably feel even more pushed out of the relationship and disconnected by these unforeseen events... although she may not have to witness the results first-hand on a daily basis.

It sounds as though Red is on board with the pregnancy and is being supportive and encouraging (even excited) about it, much to your consternation.

Assuming any pre-natal paternity test confirms that Red is the biological father, he will probably continue to support Meg, emotionally and financially - meaning that she will remain living in the household you all share. This situation is bound to cause a lot of tension all round, if resentments continue to build the way they have been... especially if Meg (who is already "in the wrong" here) continues to make unfunny "jokes" and sarcastic comments about usurping your place.

To my mind, the best (using that word loosely) outcome here would be if arrangements could be made to find Meg (and her baby, when the time comes) alternate accommodation, since nobody can force her to have an abortion if she doesn't want to.

Yes, the law will undoubtedly require Red to contribute financially toward child-support. However, since he and Meg are NOT partners and only have a casual FWB relationship, there is no reason she has to continue to live with you and Red forevermore.

In an earlier posts, you said that money was tight in your household, and a new baby will make things even tighter - financially, and space-wise. Surely Meg has family members or friends who she could live with and who could support her through the pregnancy and neo-natal period(?) As far as I know, she was only a former workmate/friend - so you other three are not responsible for paying her way or making sure she has a roof over her head, though Red will have to be partially responsible for the child, if it's his.

Do you think you and Faith could broach the subject with him sooner rather than later? He may not be willing to live apart from Meg and his kid, of course - and if that's the case, then you (and your other friend) will have to decide if YOU can live with their presence within your household, or if you need to live separately to Red, or break off the relationship entirely.
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  #15  
Old 05-16-2018, 12:39 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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So, after Meg confessed that she wasn't actually on birth control, Red kept having unprotected sex with her? Instead of making sure that she actually got on birth control this time. Instead of putting a condom on. Hmm.

I would be pretty angry at Red, in your shoes.
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  #16  
Old 05-16-2018, 01:58 AM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
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While your anger at Meg is understandable, Red is the one who is really screwing you over. Why in the world are you willing to fight to keep a man like THAT?
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  #17  
Old 05-16-2018, 02:21 AM
Remmi Remmi is offline
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Powerpuff yours is the easiest to answer:

When my ex husband had sunk so deep into a bottle he literally went insane(reaction to antibuse made him into a paranoid schizophrenic until he could detox off it) red was there, supporting me and kicking my ass when i dragged my heels. We have almost ten years together and he has been a wonderful father to my daughter when her own didn’t want to. For all he has done, for all we have been through, for the love i have for him i refuse to stop fighting just because a twit found a way to trap us all.

I know he has his part and when i can face that fully i will. Right now i can understand what a child could mean to him especially being told all his life ge couldn’t have any and experience throughout his life aupporting that. For that, I cannot ask him to not be excited, to not wonder at the miracle of life. I’m not ready to take that away from him, not yet.

Truthfully I haven’t begun to let myself feel rage. I have disconnected enough from it that i know i am angry, hurt, scared, and sad but it lets me put a smile on my face when i work, to not have meltdowns every five minutes.

But you asked why i am still fighting for a man like that. The answer is because i love him and for all his fault(s) he is worth it in my eyes.
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  #18  
Old 05-16-2018, 05:01 PM
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SlowPoly SlowPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Remmi View Post
For all he has done, for all we have been through, for the love i have for him i refuse to stop fighting just because a twit found a way to trap us all.
It sounds like you really love Red, and feel that walking away would be giving up something good, as well as (maybe?) ditching on some kind of obligation to stick with someone who was solid when you needed that.

My first caution to you is that, as with all "investments," past performance is not a guarantee of future results. Recent experience suggests Red is not being the same kind of reliable for you now that he was back in the day, and in other circumstances. Cherish your memories and always appreciate what he has been for you. But process what's happening *now* and what will likely happen *next* and *later* -- this is where decisions must be made. You don't owe anyone a debt of gratitude or loyalty that limits your future and leaves it subject to the whims of others' irresponsible actions.

My second caution is that no matter how firmly you dig in your heels, you have no power over the other people in this situation. Your choice may be to stay in the picture, but ultimately Meg and Red will decide their future. They may or may not include you, and that may change at any time. This is always true, of course, but it's especially important in the context of parenthood. While I would hope they would proceed ethically and with the well-being of their child in mind, recent experience suggests they don't necessarily act responsibly or ethically to protect trust, and to nurture all the people in the family. Nothing ensures your place in their family. Not your seniority. Not your tenacity.

My third caution to you is that naming (even to yourself) Meg as a "twit" and framing her actions as a "trap" is not going to serve you well if you intend to try to make this work. If you really want a fight, keep those words in mind. If Meg is as scheming as the worst case scenario suggests, she will use your anger and contempt to justify cutting you from her (and Red's, and the child's) life. Even if she is less malicious, such framing is bound to cause friction, and who would want someone around who thinks she's a manipulative twit (assuming someone can be both)? You aren't entrapped, and neither are they -- anyone can choose to leave this family, alone or together. Align your interests with your framing - do you want a fight, or do you want to try to start a family with these people?

Good luck. I do not envy you trying to stake a claim in this mess.
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  #19  
Old 05-17-2018, 06:49 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Remmi View Post
I know he has his part and when i can face that fully i will. Right now i can understand what a child could mean to him especially being told all his life ge couldn’t have any and experience throughout his life aupporting that. For that, I cannot ask him to not be excited, to not wonder at the miracle of life. I’m not ready to take that away from him, not yet...
Has a paternity test been done? If not, please urge him to insist on one. It would indeed be a miracle - and less likely things have happened - but there is also the possibility that the baby is not his.

(Oh, and if she balks at the paternity test, waffles or otherwise seems hesitant - that is highly suggestive too.)

Good luck.
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  #20  
Old 05-17-2018, 09:11 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Remmi,

I want to apologize for my last post, it was insensitive towards how Red must feel with this miracle baby on the way. I do not understand your situation like I would need to to give you the help that you need. You need to see this baby in a positive light. The fact that Meg is the mother should not take away from that. She is family to you now, even if you did not choose her.

Anyway, I hope you'll pardon me for my harsh words earlier.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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