In love with 2 men - have to chose

RiverMoon

New member
Hello beautiful loving beings :)

I would really appreciate some perspective/guidance on my situation. I love people deeply and I've never cheated. I'm unusual, an artist, and have a strong intuition, so when I fall in love (very quickly) that relationship always sustains for years; it's not an infatuation. Please don't judge me.

I was in an abusive dynamic relationship for 5 years, I did a lot of healing, left that relationship, and felt incredibly happy. Then earlier this year I met a fairly well-known performer who was ready to marry, he picked me, I agreed, and we married after a month. I've been proposed to a lot and quickly by men (I'm female) so I wasn't surprised. We're both in our 40s so I was ready to commit too.

I then had a trip overseas for 2 months where I was apart from my husband. During that time my husband had some challenges and was projecting his anger onto me. I moved away from him emotionally because I am vigilant about any potential abuse given my history. I decided to leave him.

I then met someone else. A ridiculously awesome man. I told my husband I wanted a divorce and spent the last 2 weeks of my overseas trip with this new man. We fell in love and planned a future together. I was sexual with him but not full on sex because I was still married despite asking for a divorce.

I returned to the USA, met my husband to discuss the divorce, and realized we are still completely in love. Also, we had good conversations about his anger and reassurances that he is not abusive. I didn't have sex with him though because I am still in communication with the awesome man.

And now I am in this situation - I am completely in love with both men. I was honest with them both and asked them for open relationships. Both refused. Neither wants to "share" me. It breaks my heart to think of not being with either of them. I am currently not living near either of them (because I am trying to make a decision) - both of them want me to live with them and want a decision SOON.

Thank you for reading this post. For sure, it sounds like a great situation to be in - two great guys to chose from but I feel irresponsible for getting into this situation and I don't want to hurt people. I have anxiety as a result and I'm at risk of losing them both because I cannot decide. I am in love with them both and don't know either well enough to make a more grounded who's the "better" life partner decision. (Yes, I know I married quickly, there's so much backstory to that decision.)
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

And now I am in this situation - I am completely in love with both men. I was honest with them both and asked them for open relationships.

Why ask for this? Because you love to do open relationship? Or because doing Open spares you from having to choose? :confused:

If because you love to do Open? Neither one wants it. So end it with both. Then seek partners who do want that.

It breaks my heart to think of not being with either of them.

Broken hearts can heal. They also keep on beating. I am not belittling your pain or dismissing your love for them. Just saying... in the fullness of life? One is going to experience the full range of human emotion. Some are more fun to feel. Some are not.

You are experiencing some of the less "fun" feelings right now. That is unfortunate and I am sorry. :(

Still doesn't change that there has to be decisions made though. Putting them off just extends the suffering time. :(

If you have to linger somewhere? I think the healing place is a better place in which to linger. :eek:

I feel irresponsible for getting into this situation and I don't want to hurt people.

YOU are a people. YOU matter too. If putting off deciding is causing you MORE anxiety and pain? And you think you were behaving irresponsibly before?

Ok. Could rectify that behavior. Be responsible now and decide. Don't leave it hanging.

... don't know either well enough to make a more grounded who's the "better" life partner decision.

There is your answer. Sounds like you already know you the best answer is "Ok. I pick neither of you for a life partner. I don't know either of you well enough to make another committed partner decision after making the recent one irresponsibly. Neither of you wants to be in an open relationship V dating situation. So let's call it over, and end it. Then all can move on to healing and not suffer any more."

Trip dude JUST met you on a trip. And he wants you to move in? :confused:

Husband that you don't know all that well and you said you wanted to divorce? He wants you to just come back to live with him after asking for divorce and having a shipboard romance/affair thing? Like just sweep it under the rug? :confused:

I try to think kindly of people but this almost sounds like two dudes trying to "win the prize" for ego or something. Not so much what is best for you or best for themselves. :(

So YOU could look out for your well being. And tell yourself "I did this too fast, irresponsibly, and I hurt right now. I care for them both, but in the end I don't know them well enough to make a well grounded "life parter" decision. Neither wants to date in a V. So let's call it done so nobody suffers more things. I cannot solve ALL my sads, but I can reduce the number of sads on my plate. Then I only have "broken heart" sad to heal from. Anxiety/stress/indecision sads get solved."

In future? Could also slow your roll a bit. Not judging. Just saying... Don't get married so soon and don't commit so fast.

It may have worked for you in the past to jump into love feet first. But after the abusive relationship? You might consider changing your way of going to be a little more cautious and a little slower. To better vet the potential dating partner person.

It's ok if your style from your 20s, 30s, 40s and so on are all different. We are all different people and even the same person can want different things at different decades of life.

You are ready to commit in your 40s? That's great! Moving forward, just be sure to pause to be sure you have the other puzzle pieces on the table also. Like knowing the person well, having things in common, etc.

Enjoy the dating process finding out if your pieces fit well with the pieces the partner brings to the table.

You seemed to really have enjoyed meeting and dating trip guy. That might matter in your healing from abuse. Don't short change yourself on having more positive dating experiences before the next time you decide to commit. Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Initial compatibility doesn't always go to deep compatibility. So there might be more break ups. But... that doesn't mean the relationships weren't meaningful and taught you some things.

It also lets you BUILD something first so that there is something to commit TO when you are ready to commit again to a life partner kind of person. One you DO get to know well.

Galagirl
 
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Is this a poll?

Like, stab in the dark type poll?

I'd say go with the one you met spontaneously.
 
Hi and welcome to the boards

You sound like you're in the middle of a whirlwind. An abusive relationship, a fast marriage, a holiday romance.

As a poly board, I guess my question is: do you want to be with both the men currently in your life? Certainly, there is nothing bad about loving more than one person, or more people in general.

My impression from your post is that, instead, maybe you are looking to choose to have a non-polyamorous relationship with one partner or the other.

In either case, my only wisdom is that there is no need to decide quickly. Taking your time does mean that others may make their own decisions. My experience with both monogamous and polyamorous relationships is allowing time and being willing to let chips fall where they may can be a good path to long term love. You will learn more as time passes, about yourself and your potential partners, and may make different decisions as a result.

Sentinel
 
Hello RiverMoon,

It's probably not what you want to hear, but my vote is to break up with both men. The man you met on your trip, he lives in another country and you would have to emigrate in order to live with him, that would be a huge hurdle, for someone you don't know that well. As for your current husband, he has acted abusive towards you even if he says he's not abusive. You would be taking an awful risk to stay with him. So you see, both men have downsides, and you don't know either of them very well. I think your odds are good of meeting someone in the future, someone you can fall in love with and get to know without the downsides. Someone in your own country, who lives close by and who does not project his anger onto you. And as a bonus, he may even be willing to share you, which would be an awesome plus if you then fell in love with a second man. Then you wouldn't have to choose.

If you absolutely feel that you cannot break up with both men, I guess I'll vote to stay with your husband, but be wary of him in the future, in case he acts abusive again. For the moment, he is easier to stay with because it would be easier to go and live with him and because you wouldn't have to go through the hassle of a divorce. Just don't commit to him 100%. You need to get to know him better. But like I said, breaking up with both men would be my preferred vote.

If you absolutely feel that you cannot break up with the man you met on your trip, that is okay, go ahead and get your divorce. Because you don't know either man very well, the odds are just about equal that either man could be a good pick. Honestly, you could almost flip a coin and choose just as well. For me, though, the issue is that you need more time to get to know both men, so that you would know which one to pick. But they are not giving you that time, they are both insisting that you decide soon. Before you get to know either of them. So that's another reason why I suggest you break up with both of them. I do feel bad to have to say that. :(

It's a bad situation you're in. I don't envy you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate you all taking the time to read my post and respond.

Most of my close friends are poly. And I've dipped my toe into 3 poly relationships (all open and honest) but each time, I was better suited to mono.

I'm okay with heartache - "suffering" (which it isn't really - our minds make that part up) is where growth and inner healing often happens. I just mentioned that to say how my body felt when trying to decide between the two men.

The latest update is (after a lot of back and forth with both men) - I'm going overseas again (working) for a month and not seeing either of them before I go. Both have offered to wait for me... At this point I feel selfish and out of integrity. My husband is very sensitive (artist) and "needs" me more. (Plus I love him.) The trip man could be the best match of my life but there are some commitment issue red flags for me, which may be unfounded if I had time to figure them out with him.

Anyway, I plan to meditate and be in my body a lot on my trip.
 
Sounds like you are taking steps toward making your decision. I am hopeful that you'll be able to choose well, and I hope (if you're willing) that you'll let us know how things turn out.
 
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