Unprotected sex in open poly relationship

Tomcat27

New member
My partner of 5 months recently told me that she had unprotected sex with one of her partners that she had not seen in over a year. I asked if she had a discussion about the last time he was tested, and whether or not he has had unprotected sex with any of his other partners and she said no. Hygiene and safe sex are where I find my boundaries. We have a non hierarchical open relationship, and when we first started seeing each other I let he know that I don't want to control any aspect of her life, but that I did not want to be exposed to STI risks any more than I have to, and I also do not want to have intimate contact with her after she has been with someone else unless she bathes.

As of now I do not have any other partners, and we have had unprotected sex since we knew that I was not sexually active with anyone else, and she had been using protection when she occasionally had sex with other people (maybe three time since we got together). This kind of made me feel special, but this was my own illusion.

As of now I need to decide if this is a deal breaker for me, since I consider the behavior risky and irresponsible. I asked her if she thinks it was a mistake, and whether or not she would do it again, and she defensively stated "well if you have a problem with it, either stop having sex with me or just use protection if we do". I was a little bit hurt that she would dismiss our intimate relationship so easily, whereas now I am quite attached to her, and love her very much.

The fact is that she told me, is a good thing. If she didn't and I found out after having unprotected sex with her, then I would probably immediately end the relationship. But it is her body and her choice of whether or not to use protection, but at the same time it makes me feel a bit uneasy, since she acted like it's no big deal, and that it is only a problem since I personally think it was a risky move.

Any thoughts?
 
I've been having some related issues with one of my partners, although he is pushing me to fluid bond with him when I feel his practices are too risky and I don't understand what his standards are. He refuses to have a discussion about it, so I haven't taken that step with him.

I would first figure out what your hard lines are. If she got some STD test results from him and found out about his recent sexual history would that put your mind at ease? How about if you go back to using condoms with her for a few weeks/months (however long you want to wait) until she can get an STD test of her own?

You are right that she gets to choose what she does with her body. You also get to choose what you do with yours. If her practices are too risky for you, protect yourself!
 
Hi Tomcat27,

I agree with you that your partner's behavior sounds risky; however, it obviously isn't as big of a deal to her, and you can't decide for her, you can only choose your own actions. There's no such thing as 100% safe sex, so even if you have protected sex with her, there's a slight chance that something will go wrong.

It's really your decision to make, as to whether you will continue to have a relationship (at all, as well as whether it's a sexual relationship) with her. You have to decide how important it is to be with a careful partner. And as MusicalRose stated, maybe you would feel more comfortable if she got herself tested (though I don't know if they ever test for *everything*).

Sorry you're in this tight spot.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
For me, unprotected sex is absolutely a no-go outside of my husband and I's relationship. We don't use protection with each other, and as a result, out of respect for each other and our safety.

If one or the other of us had unprotected sex, we would hands-down use protection with each other until tests are clear but frankly, it's non-starter for both of us. And if we found out the other had done it? That would probably be the end of things. It's purely respect. For us, having unprotected sex means a lack of respect for your partner's health, if not your own.
 
Thanks for the replies. It's weird how much easier things are to process after hearing from random strangers (although like minded) about such issues.

One of the biggest things for me is my concern for her safety and health. I'm kind of a protective type, not overprotective to the point I'm controlling, but I want to protect the ones I love from harm to the best of my ability. Knowing that she is willing to take such risks ultimately does not come down to whether or not her and I should have sex, but that someone I love is taking risks that I know can be harmful.

It seems the best I can do as of now is let her know how I feel about the situation, and stay with her in order to support her no matter what happens. She actually just moved to China for six months, and I may go meet up with her to travel a bit through Asia after her gig is over, so I will not be engaged with her physically for some time anyway. I guess I'll see how I feel next time I see her, and if we do have sex, a rubber will be involved, at least until she's tested. She was honest with me, and that's what is most important to me.
 
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Sounds like a reasonable game plan.
 
Remember that the window period for HIV is between 3 and 6 months, during which the results of a test can give a false negative, so I would advice to continue using a rubber until the lack of Sexually Transmitted Infections / STIs is quite reasonably certain. Your doctor will test you for the most likely / dangerous STIs.
 
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To me, the important issue isn't the potential std risk from this encounter, it's the casual disregard of the very special and intimate status of being fluid-bonded. I'd be very hurt by this scenario - not necessarily by the need for barriers, but the flippant approach to returning to or starting them. I think going back to barriers is a meaningful change that should be acknowledged, and deserves a more caring and thoughtful approach.
 
I don't think it is flippant at all to request that barriers be used again if there is a risky event that occurs.

It probably is bad decision making to be flippant about stopping the use of barriers, but it is an individual decision to be made. Each person gets to decide what to do with their own body as long as they are not breaking agreements they have made or omitting important information that can be pertinent to the sexual health of their partner(s).
 
I was not objecting to the use of barriers; merely to the "no big deal" attitude that accompanied the suggestion to start using barriers. Going from fluid-bonded status to barrier status would require some emotional processing, at least for me.
 
I didn't intend to suggest that it was no big deal, just that it was an option and a very important one to consider if one has concern about their physical health and STDs.
 
I was not objecting to the use of barriers; merely to the "no big dede that accompanied the suggestion to start using barriers. Going from fluid-bonded status to barrier status would require some emotional processing, at least for me.

It wouldn't be for me. If someone proved to be untrustworthy then they don't get the privilege to be barrier free with me, simple as that.
 
It wouldn't be for me. If someone proved to be untrustworthy then they don't get the privilege to be barrier free with me, simple as that.

My actions would be this precisely.
But I would be angry and upset that someone who had previously reached a level of intimacy with me-allowing for fluid-bonding, threw that away without talking to me about it first. So there would be emotional processing as well.

I actually have dealt with that, with Maca. His first "other woman" experience, they left the condoms in the drawer. Didn't use them. Suffice it to say, not only was I upset and her husband upset, so was GG. Because it put all of us in a position of having to reassess AFTER the fact.

If someone wants to take those risks, that IS there right. But once you have made an agreement with another person, you owe it to them to let them know before you CHANGE the agreement.
 
This situation with my partner did hurt my feelings. The fact that she was defensive, and criticized me for being hurt shows me a side of her that could perhaps be associated with a bigger underlining issue. I didn't need her to apologize or say out loud "I was wrong", I just wanted her to comfort me since it made me feel kind of shitty. The good thing about us is that we let things pass, and luckily we treated each other well during the last few days she was still in the country. I had a strong desire to have sex with her before she left, but we didn't, or rather did not have penetrative sex.

She has already told me she does not consider me a primary, and that she does not want to compare relationships, or put one in front of the next. I understand and respect that, but after living together for five months, I started to think that I was closer to her than any other partners, since they were only around every once in a while, and some of them it seems only are interested in sex. I even formed a friendship with her family, and helped guide her through some important life decisions. In other words, I feel an authentic bond with her, and sometimes I think her values regarding avoiding comparisons between partners are hiding the fact that we have built a pretty strong bond, that could potentially last a lifetime.

Sometimes I think she is too young or inexperienced to realize what we have, and that her apathetic attitude towards such things is a result of culture and up bringing. But then of course I correct myself, and realize that there is no way that I can understand what is going on in her mind, and that people feel as they do, and that's it. Sure age and culture have something to do with it, but she is who she is, and I have to accept that. Maybe close bonds for her are scary, and she keeps distant as a defense mechanism in order to not get hurt.

All in all, We need to re-asses our boundaries, and communication is a key factor. I still love her, but I'm not sure if I'll continue to be so close with her if this is how it is going to be.
 
I'm glad you're figuring out ways to deal with the situation. I have kind of been through something somewhat similar.

Back when Boy and I were for real dating, we stopped using condoms after a pretty lengthy discussion and about a month and a half of time to make sure we weren't just letting NRE drive our decision. We agreed we'd inform one another of new sexual partners and experiences with infrequent partners (he has someone who lives about 7 hours away that he is sexual with whenever they are geologically available). Well, he saw this person at one point, I knew they'd have sex, no big deal. The next day he called me and told me they'd not used a condom.

I was really hurt. That he didn't value going condom-free with me enough to think about it in the heat of the moment with such an infrequent partner. I wasn't MAD, though. It was his choice. He listened to my feelings. The hurt, feeling of betrayal, just general sadness. He felt extreme guilt. 4 months later, after testings, we got back to not using condoms. Then we broke up. ha. But, everything happens for a reason, and we're back to not using condoms even though we're in no way primaries or anything to one another. We just trust each other to be smart, admit any mistakes or choices that the other wouldn't agree with, and to accept going back to condoms at any time.
 
Condom use is actually one of only two "rules" that Rider and I have (the other being total honesty). It's actually more his rule than mine, since he's always had safe sex, whereas I have a history of eventually fluid-bonding with trusted partners. (I have a copper IUD, so the the risk of pregnancy is very small.)

I would be willing to fluid-bond with him (after both testing), knowing that he's staunch in his use of condoms with other people, but he's not interested. He said that unprotected sex is just not important to him, and he's terrified of even a minuscule risk of pregnancy, since he never, ever wants children (going so far as to actively dislike them).

Sometimes I miss unprotected sex, but it's the "price of admission" of being with him that I be safe both with him and with others, so I pay it willingly.

This was actually a main bone of contention between my most recent ex and me, when we briefly tried to reunite after I was already with Rider—my ex had become accustomed to four years of unprotected, monogamous sex with me, and completely lost his shit when I told him that we couldn't do that anymore because I'd promised Rider that I'd always be safe.

I'd never do it, because it's one of the only two ways that I could "cheat" on my partner—breaking our agreed upon promise to each other. If having unprotected sex was something that was really important to me, I'd have to find someone else to be with.
 
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