Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

Sigh -- this is why I don't want to be open with kids. But here's what I'd do if so.

DISCLAIMER: I apologize if I sound harsh, but in these moments I find it easier to just Spit It Out in the hopes of moving something forward even if it is Hard to Hear. So since you asked for feedback... I humbly offer it in good intention spirit.

Baby loves Granny very much and this is one of the only reasons my GF stays in contact with her mother. Granny's relationship with me is frosty, despite my efforts - she will not look at me, speak to me, acknowledge my presence, or my existence when I am not present.

This is because of Granny's OWN discomfort. NOT YOU. Your presence makes her confront and face things within her that feel yucky. It's easier to project it on you (the not wanting to feel yucky) than to harness that to do the personal growth work it takes within to not give a rat's ass what anyone else thinks! To embrace other people being happy in an alternative family model. To embrace that what you thought was your vision of your child's destiny is NOT what the grown child (your GF) chooses for self. To love her child (the GF) in whatever presentation she wishes to be in, even if it is a foreign presentation to her (the old parent.)

We are worried about how Granny may effect our daughter as she grows up. She's beyond disapproving when she speaks to my GF.

Then GF needs to stand her ground as an adult person and say "Granny, I love you, but this poor treatment of me must stop or else I cannot be around you. And I will not be. "

That she continues to take abuse from Granny teaches Granny that is is BASICALLY OK TO KEEP ON DOING IT and this reinforces to Granny that her opinion that it is "wrong" to be in this formation. It is NOT wrong, and you be how you wish to be. But be like honorable Jedi about it. GF is not honoring herself to allow verbal/emotional abuse to slide at the hands of the mother.

Baby is growing watching this, and you do NOT want her growing up thinking it is ok to take crap from close people -- you don't need to pre-groom her for some domestic battering partner for instance! Children are sponges.

We have thought about cutting contact with her, but we do not want take away that special relationship between Granny and Baby. To be honest, it also really helps us out to have Granny look after her every two weekends.

Baby is 3 and won't give a damn, and if ties need cutting better sooner in Baby's life than later. It's because you guys like having the time off without having to work for it too hard in Babysitter Juggly Land. Own this.

It is also because GF is not ready to have the classic apron strings moment with her mom -- she still wants to be a mom pleaser. Own that too.
GF is not ready to do the "I love you, but I do not love THIS -- your treatment of my other loved ones. So behave in a civil manner, or I will remove myself from the equation and grieve and miss you. But I won't tolerate this treatment of me and my loved ones, not even from YOU."

Secondly... she's just started pre-school and my GF calls me their au pair. We are concerned about what teachers should or shouldn't know... what we should tell Baby as she's growing up, since she will tell friends and friends will tell their parents... etc. I know that children can be bullied for anything... but we want to make sure we are being responsible.

That is a stickier wicket than Granny.

I do not know your area. I do not know how safe you may be as "out" -- so if your polyship decides to remain with you as the silent partner, or go with the role of "au pair" or "godmother" through these early school ages, good enough. So long as you all arrive at it together -- the agreement for this polyship.

Baby herself -- I'd just live life as ordinary as you can make it, and then somewhere when she starts asking about why her fam is structured diff than hers start with talks about how babies come -- bio babies, foster babies, adopted babies. Leave it there. Next time stretch it out to how parents come -- from divorces as step-parent people, and lead it to "when a heart is so big it takes 3 to hold it" -- the land of poly.

It is ALL ok, it is ALL acceptable, but the sad reality is that some people don't like it because it makes them uncomfortable and they have not yet grown their hearts big enough to be ok with how other people want to live. You have endless children's books (How the Grinch Stole Xmas is classic) even if not actually on poly to help you on your discussion. (Heather has Two mommies -- and more. )

How does it work for you? Are there any problems that we should expect in the future, any stumbling blocks you feel are worth pointing out? Basically, we'd just love to hear your experiences and thoughts, if you have any.

What to do when you get outted. Including outted by the child herself.

It's not IF.

It is WHEN.

That is a reality best planned for. Also the reality of the polyship ending. And your role in the child's life after that as the non-bio person. If you want to maintain a parental role, are the papers drawn up so? As her godmother? Or similar? What about if the partner's have accident and die? Do you get custody of her? Does she shoosh over to Granny?

Think these things all the way across carefully in your polyship.

GL!
GG
 
Last edited:
That is a reality best planned for. Also the reality of the polyship ending. And your role in the child's life after that as the non-bio person. If you want to maintain a parental role, are the papers drawn up so? As her godmother? Or similar? What about if the partner's have accident and die? Do you get custody of her? Does she shoosh over to Granny?

Very important. Something we established prior to ever being poly. Things to really consider before having children even if you ARE NOT poly. :)
 
I've written about this at length in my personal blog.

I will definitely have a read of that - thank you!

It's VERY hard on kids to have adults who treat other meaningful adults in their lives with disdain.

I agree with this entirely.

As for other kids-again, no issues. Other kids come over all of the time and even stay the night.

That is really good to know.

Thank you for this reassuring answer!
 
DISCLAIMER: I apologize if I sound harsh, but in these moments I find it easier to just Spit It Out in the hopes of moving something forward even if it is Hard to Hear. So since you asked for feedback... I humbly offer it in good intention spirit.

GalaGirl.... I always like your blunt responses... please feel free to get as harsh as you like. That sounded much more flirtatious than intended. :rolleyes:


This is because of Granny's OWN discomfort. NOT YOU. Your presence makes her confront and face things within her that feel yucky. It's easier to project it on you (the not wanting to feel yucky) than to harness that to do the personal growth work it takes within to not give a rat's ass what anyone else thinks!

I absolutely agree with and understand this. I do not take it personally - I simply think it's a shame that she does not know how to, or want to, do the personal growth work. But c'est la vie. ;)

Then GF needs to stand her ground as an adult person and say "Granny, I love you, but this poor treatment of me must stop or else I cannot be around you. And I will not be. "

This is something I've encouraged GF to seriously think about for the future. As you say, Baby is only 3 and the younger she is, the less effected by everything she is going to be.

That she continues to take abuse from Granny teaches Granny that is is BASICALLY OK TO KEEP ON DOING IT and this reinforces to Granny that her opinion that it is "wrong" to be in this formation is "wrong." It is NOT wrong, and you be how you wish to be. But be like honorable Jedi about it. GF is not honoring herself to allow verbal/emotional abuse to slide at the hands of the mother.

Again, I agree with this. Deep-rooted emotional issues between GF and Granny. I won't go into it here, but yes, GF has had a lot of therapy before about Granny. Obviously there's an element of 'second chance' thinking from Granny to Baby.... it's one of the reasons GF keeps her around... she was truly quite rubbish as a parent; yet seems to blossom as a Grandparent.

Baby is growing watching this, and you do NOT want her growing up thinking it is ok to take crap from close people -- you don't need to pre-groom her for some domestic battering partner for instance! Children are sponges.

This is a very, very good point.

It's because you guys like having the time off without having to work for it too hard in Babysitter Juggly Land. Own this.

Another good point that I have also tried to talk to GF and hubby about. It's better to pay a babysitter or I'll look after her when I'm there, than to have Baby's upbringing swayed by Granny... unless Granny can get on board.


Next time stretch it out to how parents come -- from divorces as step-parent people, and lead it to "when a heart is so big it takes 3 to hold it" -- the land of poly.

You have endless children's books (How the Grinch Stole Xmas is classic) even if not actually on poly to help you on your discussion. (Heather has Two mommies -- and more. )

Thank you for this - really great advice.

What to do when you get outted. Including outted by the child herself.

That's definitely something that needs to be discussed. Thank you for highlighting that.

That is a reality best planned for. Also the reality of the polyship ending. And your role in the child's life after that as the non-bio person. If you want to maintain a parental role, are the papers drawn up so? As her godmother? Or similar? What about if the partner's have accident and die? Do you get custody of her? Does she shoosh over to Granny?

GF and hubby are in the process of getting the Godmother paperwork changed from Granny to me in the event of their death. The agreed role is that I will have joint input in terms of a non-bio parent. We've started to talk about all of these things; but yes, you're right, everything needs to be decided and solidified for the future.

Incidentally... out of interest (not confrontation) - do you believe that it is wrong, or too difficult, to have children in a poly environment?

It's something that we've all battled with, so I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.
 
Incidentally... out of interest (not confrontation) - do you believe that it is wrong, or too difficult, to have children in a poly environment?

It's something that we've all battled with, so I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.

You should ask the guy and his wives from the show "Sister Wives" if they think it's too hard or wrong. The answer is not in the slightest. I have two kids. I just had my first couple of dates with someone outside my marriage. No, not for a second did I consider it to be a problem. Kids are strong. They are smart. They are awesome. You already said Baby misses you when you're gone. Would you really want to give that up? That unconditional love?

Dennis Leary said it the best, "Racism is learned, not instilled at birth. Know what my kid hates? Naps! End of list."

This applies to all faux pas or taboo subjects. The kids won't have a problem if you handle it correctly. I could ramble on about this for several more sentences but you get my point.
 
Incidentally... out of interest (not confrontation) - do you believe that it is wrong, or too difficult, to have children in a poly environment?

It's something that we've all battled with, so I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.

As we are just starting down that road my answer would be: No. Why should it be more wrong than having a children in a 'normal' 2-person-relationship? The more healthy adults around a child, the better for the child. (Stress on healthy and mature in this case ;) ) That's my conviction.

As KyleKat I believe that the only problem arising for a child will be if you treat this circumstance as a problem or a secret. Because the child will feel like there is something 'wrong' with the life you are leading and it will put the little one under pressure to keep this secret or to know that the whole family is in a bad way leading a 'different' life than all the others. If it's OK and the most natural thing to do for you, it will be the same for the child as well.
 
"Incidentally... out of interest (not confrontation) - do you believe that it is wrong, or too difficult, to have children in a poly environment?"

Your tagline is basically my situation, except I'm 28 and have been in my vee for 3 years. :) My gf's baby just turned 1. I KNOW that having me in their lives has helped with their needs for babysitting, and I believe that 1) having me in his life as a loving, interested, engaged adult enhances the baby's life, and 2) having me in their lives helps, to some small degree in their struggle to maintain a functional, positive marriage during this trying first year with the baby.

So, I think it's easier, not harder. :)

Of course, you didn't qualify... perhaps you mean socially, not logistically? In our case, we're lucky enough to have friends who are just as out-there as we are, and family that is accepting if not necessarily whole-heartedly supportive.

As for the potential for future bullying, it's true, kids DO bully other kids for any reason at all... if it's not his parent's funny relationship, it could be his hair color or the way he dresses. At least if he gets bullied and I'm around, he'll have a third person to cry to. I mean, should gay people not raise kids because their kids might get bullied for it? Well, a study showed that the kids of lesbian couples are just as well-adjusted as the kids of straight couples, so I don't think there's much of an argument there.

Rather than trying to make our families more "normal", I think we need to try to make the world more accepting. If that means standing up to bullies (including older family members), I think that's a great things for kids to see and understand.
 
Rather than trying to make our families more "normal", I think we need to try to make the world more accepting. If that means standing up to bullies (including older family members), I think that's a great things for kids to see and understand.
That's awesome!


Right now, neither my wife and I have live in partners, and remain closeted with family, so I can't offer much experience wise to the issue with Granny. I'm sure it will come up eventually, since the kids WILL out us eventually, and we know it.

But similarly to what's been said already, we don't keep secrets from the kids, and we live our poly life at home as openly as possible. We don't change or hush the conversation when they enter the room, or change our terminology when talking about girlfriends. We've had them to poly camps where they've met other kids who have extra mommy's and daddy's. For us the conscious decision we made was to normalize poly as much as possible.

For our own concern with schools and such, we don't worry too much, since the kids are known to be very happy, outgoing and well adjusted...they get complimented on it frequently by teachers, family, friends, and strangers in the grocery store! So we're not too worried about whatever they may have to say because it's quite evident with our kids that they're growing up just fine regardless of what their parents private lives are like.

Your mileage may vary.
 
Polyamory has only recently come to the attention of the scientific community, and there aren't a ton of studies at this point about how children are affected. The few that have been done show similar findings to those done on children raised by homosexual couples (of which there is a substantial amount of research). That being, in itself, polyamory has no affect on children. In studies done on families with homosexual parents, the only negative difference found is that children of gay people are exposed to more intolerance from individuals who do not approve of their parent's relationship. It's likely that further research will show similarities with the children of poly parents.

In short, it's a "people are ass holes" problem, not a "polyamory isn't healthy for children" problem. Not being polyamorous won't change the fact that some people are just dicks.

As far as Granny is concerned, I would bet a significant amount of money that if the poly thing wasn't an issue, she'd find something else to be upset about and still cause problems.
 
You should read Redpepper's blog, or PM her about what she went through with her parents over the care of her son.

GF and hubby are in the process of getting the Godmother paperwork changed from Granny to me in the event of their death.
There is actually paperwork for godparents? And it matters? I always thought that was just a religious formality, and has no legal standing.
 
You should read Redpepper's blog, or PM her about what she went through with her parents over the care of her son.

There is actually paperwork for godparents? And it matters? I always thought that was just a religious formality, and has no legal standing.

There is both. Religiously has no bearing. My best friend is the godfather of my kids. He has no desire to raise them in the event of my untimely demise. However, you can appoint a godparent that would raise your child instead of your next of kin.
 
There is actually paperwork for godparents? And it matters? I always thought that was just a religious formality, and has no legal standing.

There is both. Religiously has no bearing. My best friend is the godfather of my kids. He has no desire to raise them in the event of my untimely demise. However, you can appoint a godparent that would raise your child instead of your next of kin.
Okay, you're talking about two different things.

Traditionally, as I've always understood it, the duty of godparents is to instruct a child in its parents' religion. That doesn't necessarily mean they would be raising the child.

One can appoint anybody you want to raise a child instead of relatives. Choosing a godparent is just one of the options. Godparenting is still only a church thing, and has no legal standing, at least in the US. Not knowing where sparklepop lives, I was wondering if there is more legality to the role of godparent wherever she is.

Selecting someone who also happens to be the kid's godparent to actually legally raise it is a separate issue from someone just being in the role of godparent.
 
Children and secondaries

Does anyone here have experience with secondaries, or the secondary of your primary, having children with one of the primaries in the relationship?

The subject has come up and I hadn't really thought of it in real terms, so I would appreciate any thoughts about this.
 
yes.

My boyfriend and I are the biological parents of the youngest of 4 children in our poly family.

I don't prefer the term secondary-as he is a full-time member of our household and a full member of our family.

The youngest is 5. My oldest is 21. My husbands is 16. Our son is 12.

We're (obviously) poly and we're out-so all of the kids know and they all know whose bio-parents are who. But, they all call me mom and they all call Dh dad.
The baby calls bf by a special name, the other kids call him Uncle-because they did for years before we went poly.
 
ivf

two men an me ivf is my only hope but anyone done it or know or heard of two different men being implanted at same time?:confused:
 
I'm kinda hoping polyamory will be a solution to me wanting to have kids; Girlfriend doesn't want to have kids ever (and can't anyways), but I do want to have a husband one day as well as her, so maybe I can have kids with that fellow? :D

Then she won't have to be a mommy, and I get to be a mommy! :D
 
two men an me ivf is my only hope but anyone done it or know or heard of two different men being implanted at same time?:confused:

You can only inject one spermatozoon into an egg, then the egg goes into lock-down mode. But you could put the eggs into a sea of sperm from both men and let them duke it out.

Is it your own inability to conceive that requires you to consider IVF? Or the desire to have both men as fathers to the child without really "knowing" which one is biological? You could accomplish that the old-fashioned way.

Have you considered adoption? Plenty of kids need good homes, and that would eliminate the possibility of any father ever laying more "claim" to the child than the other.
 
My girlfriend says that she read somewhere that they can now make an egg cell out of a sperm cell and vise versa, so maybe you could take one, make it the egg, and fertilize it with the other?
 
You can only inject one spermatozoon into an egg, then the egg goes into lock-down mode. But you could put the eggs into a sea of sperm from both men and let them duke it out.

Is it your own inability to conceive that requires you to consider IVF? Or the desire to have both men as fathers to the child without really "knowing" which one is biological? You could accomplish that the old-fashioned way.

Have you considered adoption? Plenty of kids need good homes, and that would eliminate the possibility of any father ever laying more "claim" to the child than the other.

I figured she meant IVF was the option for her fr fertility reasons (and because she wanted a biological child).

They usually implant more than one fertilized egg to increase the odds, so I don't see why they couldn't go half and half on who provided the sperms, provided they don't use an odd number or fertilized eggs.
 
You can only inject one spermatozoon into an egg, then the egg goes into lock-down mode. But you could put the eggs into a sea of sperm from both men and let them duke it out.

Is it your own inability to conceive that requires you to consider IVF? Or the desire to have both men as fathers to the child without really "knowing" which one is biological? You could accomplish that the old-fashioned way.

Have you considered adoption? Plenty of kids need good homes, and that would eliminate the possibility of any father ever laying more "claim" to the child than the other.
No or maybe still capable of pregnancy at a far lower chance with age and would then require a reversal of tube clamping, however I know the procedures of the IVF sperm to egg. Rather I guess I should have been somewhat more clear in my query. It is we all desire children and I have had 3 grown as i started at 16 ended at 23. But we were more curious of ...Lets say I have the eggs knowingly fertilized by both men separately of course but say 4 implanted 2 of each mans ,as we will be going the way of the already checked for everything once sperm an egg take in laymans terms. Thus implanting choice as I have one adult special needs child I'd rather not tempt fate being older nor bring a child into this world under such cruel manners. For the record regardless of how far advanced we as human beings THINK we have evolved from prejudices having raised a child with a disadvantage is like waging war with the world still ... Also goes for race as well as it was no picnic for them canadian or not as here our racism and other prejudices are clandestine lest ur the one that is the target, u dont necessarily see or hear of things like racism or classism here!
That rant said I'd love the old fashion lets see who caught me way but it's extremely improbable a way thru a decision quick on ages heels lol! So hence the question anyone know can u ,as in I assume it being us paying its our decision but has anyone or do they know of anyone having gone and tried this way?
Yes we discussed surrogates but laws from US/UK/Canada all are little known to most ...Say birth mother is legally and always mother even tho' oddly there is not one drop of dna carried by that mother over to that child she gives birth to!!! Odd law right... so that is a big NOPE too! Adoption,hmmmmm thot of yep but they are younger want their own!!! Understandably so! However it's been thoroughly agreed upon if nothing comes of a treatment no more money shall be put out as my already children an hahahaha grand child are theres by proxy if u will lol! They aren't we puppies just not way over the 40 mark, me in 40's , so u can see time be of thee essence!! It was just an odd curious thot to A. saave money lol and B. hasen the pace but two separate invetroes isnt out and we have broached the question of whose is it? Well got it covered till I die no dna test so treated equally by both men. And just to tickle the mind here one is caucasian the other black and me I am mustee...bl/wh/native
 
Back
Top