Where is the closure in the land of perpetual opportunity?

There is someone in my life that I love but will never date. No chance, no way no how. She recently separated from a girlfriend and is planning a life with a boyfriend (someone she’s loved a long time as well). It is the unrealized dreams and life we never had that has me emotionally wrapped around every conversation we have. Me! Over here! Wait! I love you too! Common! So the child in my head jumps at the sidewalk of the emotional carnival ride going by. I have mentioned her many times to many people. It’s just so odd to me that after this many years (2) I still hope that a change in her life’s path leads her this way.

I think that poly leads me here or leaves me here actually It’s the land of perpetual opportunity on the timeline that can change at any time and with any circumstance. There is always hope and the possibility of love and therefore no closure around lost opportunity. It’s like my door is always open. Maybe next year. It drives me crazy sometimes.
 
There is someone in my life that I love but will never date. No chance, no way no how. She recently separated from a girlfriend and is planning a life with a boyfriend (someone she’s loved a long time as well). It is the unrealized dreams and life we never had that has me emotionally wrapped around every conversation we have. Me! Over here! Wait! I love you too! Common! So the child in my head jumps at the sidewalk of the emotional carnival ride going by. I have mentioned her many times to many people. It’s just so odd to me that after this many years (2) I still hope that a change in her life’s path leads her this way.

I think that poly leads me here or leaves me here actually It’s the land of perpetual opportunity on the timeline that can change at any time and with any circumstance. There is always hope and the possibility of love and therefore no closure around lost opportunity. It’s like my door is always open. Maybe next year. It drives me crazy sometimes.


Have you ever talked to her about your feelings? I think doing so you might find closure.
 
Yes. I love her, have said it and we talked about it and she loves me but she doesn't see me as a romantic possibility. She's monogamous and 1/2 my age. The post though is really about this idea that as a poly person I never let go of the possibility there could be a future. Somewhere. You know, tomorrow, next month, 2 years from now. It's like I can't close the door of hope and as such I ride emotional waves when her circumstances change. Like the kid on the corner...pick me! pick me! It's a little ridiculous really but I love her like I want to make a life with her, raise her children, take care of her. It is never going to happen and I just want to shelve the emotional roller coast I'm on. The ups and downs of hope and disappointment over the last two years are killing me. Yes,. I know I can walk away but it's such a deep and rich friendship I would not let go of it on purpose.
 
IMO, "closure" is overrated. :) Like, everyone supposedly "wants closure" for the 09/11/2001 attacks... & that's why we have annual hand-wringing ceremonies 15 years on. :rolleyes:

Longing is a very popular form of Romantic autoflagellation: proving the purity of your intentions by punishing the inherently corrupt flesh.

Your fantasies seem to be the root cause of your sense of longing.

Suspense (IMNSHO) is a wasteful pastime.

Monogamy doesn't preclude fantasy. Therefore, polyamory isn't the problem.

You can undercut your fantasies -- & therefore the longing -- by attempting to actualize them. Succeed or fail, Reality has a way of clearing out the cobwebs.
 
The practice of polyamory doesn't mean, to me, that endless opportunities surround me. That idea would make me feel like some kind of predator. Opportunity, possibility, and probability are three distinctly different things. I still have to respect others' boundaries and acknowledge when an attraction is not an opportunity for me to "get what I want."

It does no good to pine for someone who is a "no" and wants only friendship, and who clearly doesn't want to have to fend off unwanted advances. I'd say it's time to reign in your indulgence in those emotions, accept that mooning over her is useless and unrealistic, and move on.
 
'Closure' is something we give ourselves - it's not something other people provide to us.

So the good news is that we control when we have closure. (I am not saying this is easy or doesn't take time - just that we do not need anyone else to do this for us. It's internal ultimately.)

The 'bad' news is that there is something you get out of pining for her, of keeping that hope alive when clearly there is none. I put bad in quotes because while this is not fun, it is an opportunity to learn more about you. So are you focusing on this because of boredom? To avoid thinking about something else entirely? So you can feel vibrant and alive, even if that is based on a fantasy?

I'm just throwing out some common feelings people experience when in the throes of unrequited love. Ask what you are getting out of acting this way? Mentally, emotionally, physically. Be curious - not judgmental! - about what you discover. None of this makes you a bad person. (Unless you harass her - that would be uncool. However, you do not appear to be doing that.)

Also the picture of her and your friendship right now is by definition not fully accurate. You are not in seeing her as she is, not the full spectrum of her. You've got the rose colored glasses firmly in place.

If you figure out why this fills some sort of need or want you have (and I mean more than the usual wish for a loving partner) and you start seeing and acting around her only as a platonic friend with no agenda for more (no agenda here is important as I suspect you may have been all agenda for now), then you have the opportunity to build a friendship with her based on reality. This is a beautiful, real thing that gets pushed aside in the drive to be partners. Friends are very important parts of life. And you could create a beautiful one with her.
 
Hi Orlandobif,

I think opalescent is on the right track, you have to do some digging here and find out why you are holding out hope for something that will never happen. Assuming, of course, that this friend of yours told you directly and explicitly that she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you.

I hope you find the closure that you seek.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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