MrsStanley
New member
Hi everyone. I am new here and also new to the entire poly world really. I have read to the point my eyes hurt, thought until I passed out and really am at a loss. I need advice, otherwise I really don't know how long I can handle all of it.
So here is the story. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married two and have two young children. Before our kids were born our relationship was a roller coaster. He is a very non emotional, quiet, I don't care what anyone thinks and my thoughts are for only me sort of guy. I am a talk about everything, have to know what you are feeling/wanting/ etc sort of woman who beloved in monogamy all her life. He was raised differently than I was, more openly, with many more freedoms and experiences than myself. In a way I feel inadequate often because he has experienced so much in his life both romantically and otherwise where I have always been simple and played it safe. Fast forward to our daughter's birth. I found out that he had cheated on me a year before, that he had explicit conversations with other women. So things got rough. Intimately there was really nothing. I was bored, not satisfied in the relationship in any form, and felt that I was stuck. After some time we talked about threesomes, or swinging. I actually was the first one to suggest an open marriage. Though I said it knowing VERY little about it at all. I don't think I could be with anyone sexually in front of the man I love. He has this old friend from years back. They had been an item for awhile then stopped for whatever reason. Well I became sort of friends with her, she got into a bad place and he and I offered her to come here to stay while she got back on her feet. Open marriage came up again after being a shelved topic for a long time, and our new roomate was suggested ( again by me ) in an effort to make my husband happy. I knew then that she loved him, but I was not ready for the incoming slew of emotions.
Here is the main issue.
After I suggested her, they talked, her and I talked and we established our own "rules". There were a few I made clear multiple times that it needed to be done. 1) no sex in the house I share with my husband. This is my sanctuary. 2) If love becomes a factor ( becoming mutual in my mind, since I already knew she had love for him ) I needed to be told and it was something we would all need to talk about.
The only way I can deal with things is to talk about them, and I honestly wanted a way to end it sooner than later and hoped that one of the rules would be broken.
Another thing my husband and I agreed to privately is that if one of us became too uncomfortable to deal that we would end it and try again when we felt it was right.
Fast forward 3 weeks. She has arrived, moved in, and we are all really awkward all the time. So I suggest we all go out to dinner and really talk out all the issues or worries we all have to ease the tension. On this night my husband said he doesn't believe in marriage, that her and him had been in love with each other for all these years and that he hasn't been in love with me for a long time. That if I didn't let him do this our marriage would be over. I felt so betrayed by them both. all I wanted was total honesty. On top of that they text all the time and for me to ask about it is apparently bad, but I want to understand their relationship better. He is a different man with her.
Sorry this is horribly long lol, but I really am having trouble.
So now it is almost two months since her arrival. I have felt forced into breaking all the "rules" we had. They have been intimate in our home, they have lied and kept things from me, and all my husband seems to want is more time with her, and I get sent upstairs and am told not to interupt. When I know they are being intimate my heart races, I get physically ill, have a overwhelming fear, and catch myself opening doors to hear if they are or not.
At the same time, when he comes and gets me, or calls me back into the house so to speak I cant help but be incredibly turned on by it all. When he tells me things about their time together or intimate things I ask about I just want to hear more. It has helped our intimate relationship greatly but at the same time my emotions feel like they are turmoil endlessly. I get butterflies just seeing them sit next to each other. I have huge jealousy issues with it all, I am very territorial, and I feel so much like I am nothing more than a person in his life. While he loves me, he is in love with her. He desires her and her company much more than my own. I am trying all I can to be supportive, and in all honesty I do hope some day it can be just me and him happily. I feel like if I don't I would have willingly given up my life, but if I do I am compromising who I am as a woman and a wife. I am so different just in a month's time but I really don't know how long I can continue to change for him to make him happy before I buckle.
So here is the story. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married two and have two young children. Before our kids were born our relationship was a roller coaster. He is a very non emotional, quiet, I don't care what anyone thinks and my thoughts are for only me sort of guy. I am a talk about everything, have to know what you are feeling/wanting/ etc sort of woman who beloved in monogamy all her life. He was raised differently than I was, more openly, with many more freedoms and experiences than myself. In a way I feel inadequate often because he has experienced so much in his life both romantically and otherwise where I have always been simple and played it safe. Fast forward to our daughter's birth. I found out that he had cheated on me a year before, that he had explicit conversations with other women. So things got rough. Intimately there was really nothing. I was bored, not satisfied in the relationship in any form, and felt that I was stuck. After some time we talked about threesomes, or swinging. I actually was the first one to suggest an open marriage. Though I said it knowing VERY little about it at all. I don't think I could be with anyone sexually in front of the man I love. He has this old friend from years back. They had been an item for awhile then stopped for whatever reason. Well I became sort of friends with her, she got into a bad place and he and I offered her to come here to stay while she got back on her feet. Open marriage came up again after being a shelved topic for a long time, and our new roomate was suggested ( again by me ) in an effort to make my husband happy. I knew then that she loved him, but I was not ready for the incoming slew of emotions.
Here is the main issue.
After I suggested her, they talked, her and I talked and we established our own "rules". There were a few I made clear multiple times that it needed to be done. 1) no sex in the house I share with my husband. This is my sanctuary. 2) If love becomes a factor ( becoming mutual in my mind, since I already knew she had love for him ) I needed to be told and it was something we would all need to talk about.
The only way I can deal with things is to talk about them, and I honestly wanted a way to end it sooner than later and hoped that one of the rules would be broken.
Another thing my husband and I agreed to privately is that if one of us became too uncomfortable to deal that we would end it and try again when we felt it was right.
Fast forward 3 weeks. She has arrived, moved in, and we are all really awkward all the time. So I suggest we all go out to dinner and really talk out all the issues or worries we all have to ease the tension. On this night my husband said he doesn't believe in marriage, that her and him had been in love with each other for all these years and that he hasn't been in love with me for a long time. That if I didn't let him do this our marriage would be over. I felt so betrayed by them both. all I wanted was total honesty. On top of that they text all the time and for me to ask about it is apparently bad, but I want to understand their relationship better. He is a different man with her.
Sorry this is horribly long lol, but I really am having trouble.
So now it is almost two months since her arrival. I have felt forced into breaking all the "rules" we had. They have been intimate in our home, they have lied and kept things from me, and all my husband seems to want is more time with her, and I get sent upstairs and am told not to interupt. When I know they are being intimate my heart races, I get physically ill, have a overwhelming fear, and catch myself opening doors to hear if they are or not.
At the same time, when he comes and gets me, or calls me back into the house so to speak I cant help but be incredibly turned on by it all. When he tells me things about their time together or intimate things I ask about I just want to hear more. It has helped our intimate relationship greatly but at the same time my emotions feel like they are turmoil endlessly. I get butterflies just seeing them sit next to each other. I have huge jealousy issues with it all, I am very territorial, and I feel so much like I am nothing more than a person in his life. While he loves me, he is in love with her. He desires her and her company much more than my own. I am trying all I can to be supportive, and in all honesty I do hope some day it can be just me and him happily. I feel like if I don't I would have willingly given up my life, but if I do I am compromising who I am as a woman and a wife. I am so different just in a month's time but I really don't know how long I can continue to change for him to make him happy before I buckle.