My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

Rules for new relationship

My husband has just started to see someone, I would like to know if there are really any ground rules that should be followed. We have been married for 15 years and have 3 young children.
I feel like I should be considered by them because I was here first in the relationship and the mother of his kids.
Do I have the right to ask them to take it slow.
I also seem to notice that lately he wishes to see her like every 3 days and in the three weeks he has known her he has slept with her twice and did not come home until the next morning.....
He also has been taking her out on dates but not me, should i have feelings of unfairness.
I just want them to take it slow so I can adjust, rather than see her as a threat to my marriage.
 
I'm pretty confused about the whole linguistic aspect here. My boyfriend considers he has a cuckold fetish. To us, it means that he is aroused by the idea of my having sex with other men. I do not humiliate him, nor do I have rough sex with others (or with him. I have a very low pain threshold).

To me, a cuckold fetish is just that, sexual arousal (fetish) from your partner being with other men (cuckold). I never realised there was any assumption of humiliation or power play or whatever.
 
@Tonberry -- I'm using the definition as I've always seen it portrayed. Curious if I had gotten entirely the wrong impression, I checked Wikipedia and it seems to agree:

"However, a requirement for the fetish is the cuckold is somehow humiliated, whether this is acted out to be intentional or as some sort of by-product of the situation (i.e. the parties involved are somehow too sexually aroused to stop). Therefore cuckolding usually involves acting out a story or ritual involving humiliating acts, events." http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckold

This also seemed to fit with what the OP was saying about roleplaying and teasing, though I could be mistaken.

I have no right, of course, to tell you or your husband what you should call your interests. However, I've seen a more simple arousal response to your partner being with another, male or female, described as "sexual compersion" before.
 
There is a very important distinction to be made here. To say that the OP is cuckolding her bf is just plain wrong. The definition of cuckolding is being unfaithful, which had nothing to do with ethical poly, which the OP is practicing. The connotations of cuckolding in the modern , fetish-y way it's used are that the female partner is purposefully humiliating her male partner, emasculating him. Again, nothing could be further from the truth of the OP's

People have different definitions of what certain words mean dont they. Some people have different ideas about poly relationships, and what poly means to them. I do not use the word cuckold in a derogatory way, my definition of cuckolding is this............

When a faithful boyfriend is in a loving relationship with his girlfriend, she has sexual relations with another man who is a superior/better endowed lover, and the boyfriend knows what is happening and is not comfortable with it. The girlfriend knows it makes her boyfriend unhappy but does it anyway.

Aurelie told us from her first post that her bf was upset and jealous......i.e he was NOT happy with the way things were at that moment. She also told us that she went away on a weekend break with her lover, and that her bf asked her not to.......She went anyway. She admits that her relationship with her lover is based mainly on the "Awesome" sex they have, and that they do little else together. Thats why she went, she wanted a weekend of hot sex with her lover, and she left her bf at home unhappy with the situation, so unhappy that even though he loves her very much he considered ending the relationship. She cuckolded him, going by my own definition of the word. She now admits that what she did was a mistake, one she has promised her bf she will not make again. Aurelie has told us all this herself.

I do not think for one minute that Aurelie has ever got a thrill out of this, although she admits that her lover does. I agree that apart from the weekend away she is respectful, caring, honest, supportive, and loving towards her bf. As I have said all along, the one thing that stands out from her posts, more tahn anything else, is the love she has for her bf.

The thing is, it's not real. To say she "is cuckolding him" is like saying of a couple who enjoys consensual non-consent (in other words pretend "rape" where the person being "raped" in fact loves the idea and could call it off at any time), "he is raping her". Putting it like that makes it seem like something abusive and wrong and unwanted is happening. Rather, in that situation you would say "they are enjoying the fantasy of rape". And in this situation, at least to some minor degree that may or may not go any further, the OP and her bf are enjoying the fantasy of cuckolding. They are *playing* and if that's not explicitly acknowledged in the way people talk about it, it paints entirely the wrong picture.

It would now appear that after she has told her bf the truth about how he measures up sexually compared to her lover, he has come to terms with it. This is great news for Aurelies relationship, and I'm so pleased for her and her bf.

Also, her bf has told her that he gets turned on by the thought of them having sex, not only that, but he gets riled by being teased and hearing how her lover has a bigger cock and how he can make her orgasm more. That is the way I have read her posts, I doubt I'm wrong. This, again is good news. Aurelie says that they are role playing together and that he enjoys it. Great.

Rape role play is 100% fantasy, the person playing the rapist is not a rapist in any way, it does not reflect reality does it?

Cuckold roleplay is different, it is not a complete fantasy, it is based on fact. Yes it is consensual and he enjoys it and there is nothing wrong with it, but as I say, it's based on reality. The facts are..........

Aurelie is a woman who enjoys having sex with her two men, but enjoys her lover more. (Sexually)

The BF is the kind, loving sensitive type, who has a much smaller penis than her lover and also suffers with P.E problems.

The lover is the cocky arrogant type, he has a huge dick that he knows how to use, Aurelie herself has told us that her bf cannot compete with her lover in bed, and she has told us that the lover knows it. She has also told us that he has been disrespectful towards her bf in the past, and that he thinks that he could take her from the bf at any time.

You can look at it anyway you like Annabel, but the fact is there is a cuckold dynamic in this three way relationship. There is nothing wrong with this though, as long as they love and respect each other, and are truthful. As I said before, going by her posts, I like Aurelie and her bf very much and do not think any worse of either of them because of this dynamic in their relationship. I do not like cocky, arrogant and macho bullshit men and I also find them a turn off, so other than the sex, I'm not so sure about the lover. I except that lots of woman (Aurelie included) can find these traits a turn-on though.

"She has also told us that she likes to be tied up and given anal sex when she is with her lover and that her bf waits at home to give her a cuddle when she gets back....That to me is a cuckold." <-- I completely disagree. It's what you make of it. Would it not be cuckolding if she wasn't doing anal with her lover? Would it not be cuckolding if her bf wasn't sweet to her after because he loves her? What makes this cuckolding?

Lets step out of the Poly world for a minute. How many men do you think would except another man tying up and having anal sex with their girlfriends/wifes? The woman that he loves and adores? The woman that he looks after, and whose child he has stepped up to be a father towards? Not only allow and tolerate that, but is also prepared to wait up while this is happening so that he can reassure her with a cuddle and other non-sexual forms of affection when she gets back from her date?


I would say less than 5% of men would. There is a reason for that. Do you think that the bf would want to share the above fact with his friends or family? No, he would not. There is a reason for that also.

The bf is not your average man though, he would not of got into the relationship to begin with if he was, knowing what Aurelie had told him with regard to not wanting to give up her lover. I like the sound of him very much, he sounds lovely. He has all the qualities that I like in a man, and reading what Aurelie says about him, he reminds me of my own husband.


Screw that, we are each what we choose to be.

I agree, my point exactly.......I think there would be a lot more poly men calling themselves cuckolds if there was not so much stigma attached to that word.

A cuckold, again, in popular understanding, is a man whose female partner is unfaithful to him and who then humiliates him by rubbing it in his face.

I disagree with your understanding of the word cuckold, any woman that wants to humiliate or emasculate the man they love is not cuckolding, they are sick and worthless, and I dont for the life of me think that Aurelie would ever rub her mans face in anything that would hurt him. The humiliation aspect comes from within the man himself. I have no problem with the way either Aurelie or her bf conduct themselves. If he is turned on by being a cuckold there is nothing wrong with it. I have no time for macho nonsense.
 
Geez, Brid, talk about putting your own spin on things! .

I dont think I'm putting a spin on what Aurelie has said at all, It's more me trying to read between the lines, I stand by what I have said, If Aurelie thinks I have got it wrong or have been disrespectful to her or the bf she can say. I dont think I have, and certainly have not meant to be, yes some of my language has been direct, I find sometimes that can help a situation, although I pointed out to Aurelie that she should never be as direct herself to her bf.

There is a huge gap between polyamory and cuckolding. It's not a fine line.

Let me clarify what I mean by "a fine line between poly and cuckolding," based on my definition of the word in the post above. I am married and also have a bofriend, my husband is fine with this now, he was not at the beginning and at various times in the last few years we have had flair ups where he becomes unhappy about it again, usually when we argue about something else. We always resolve it though by talking through it. It is a fine line though, a balancing act for me. He has gone from being consenting to me having another man (more poly) to non-consenting (more cuckold) Like I said, a fine line.

It's so weird the way you make that pronouncement that she's "a woman who needs another man for sex" and that her bf is unsatisfactory.

Aurelie herself says...............

"Well my lover has nothing to be jealous about does he. He's the cocky type, he knows how good in bed he is and he knows that he's got what I NEED."

And................

"My lover is exceptional at everything and when we are done, 10 minutes later he can go again and make it completely different and yet always with the same result. He makes me feel incredible, and my boyfriend CANT because he DOESN'T have what my lover has.

and isn't cuckolding him simply because he's talking with her about some aspect of her love life with the other man being a turn-on.

She was cuckolding him by going for a weekend away to have sex with her lover when her bf clearly told her he was not happy about it. Going by her last post, and again I'm reading between the lines............They are now engaged in cuckold roleplay, and he likes it.
 
.She did not say her bf has a small dick. She said he has an average one. It's just that her lover is huge in comparison. She did not say that he had ED issues, just that he doesn't last as long as her lover does.

O.K the bf's cock is small in comparison to her lovers, I did not say he had E.D problems, I said he had premature ejaculation issues.

Aurelie herself says...................

"I know he has helped me far more than I have helped him. The only thing I have been able to help him with was his sexual shyness and premature ejaculation."

She did not say her bf is unskilled or lousy in bed. She says he is imaginative, gentle, and tender. She has never had any problems with the way her bf makes love; it's just that she has a wide range of things she likes and her lover was more inclined to give her the more aggressive, rough stuff. She isn't with her lover because of anything inadequate about her bf and has said she would end it with her lover in a heart beat if her bf wanted that.

I have not said anything that you say here, YOU are putting a spin on what I say

Are you sure you are not projecting some of your own shit onto her? You have only posted to this thread and no others - what is your problem with Aurelie?

No, I'm not, but I was in a similer situation to which she finds herself in, that is why I offer my advice. My advice was to tell her bf the truth, she has done that and I am delighted for her that it is paying off for her. I have no problem with her, and as I said I like her and her bf a great deal.

Brid75, it sounds like you are really into cuckolding, yourself. But their situation seems to have improved greatly, anyway, so why keep hammering away at her?

Am I into cuckolding myself? Well it depends what you mean.

I do think that a woman has the right to get sexual satisfaction outside of her relationship if she is not getting that inside it, as long as she is honest about it, I do not believe in cheating on a man behind his back though.

If your asking if I, or my husband, or boyfriend partake in cuckold roleplay?

No we do not!

If your asking if I ever got a sick twisted thrill out of hurting my husband.

Never, nor would I ever consider doing such a thing, and would have no time for anyone that does, if that is your suggestion than I am offended by it.


I have come here to offer Aurelie advice, I'm not hammering away at her at all and I cant imagine why you think I am. You have got the wrong end of the stick.
 
There's a lot that I'm itching to respond to here (especially the "sick and worthless" comment... just... heavy sigh... I was talking about activities within the context of consensual kinky roleplay and it freaking hurts to hear people who actually, consensually, LIKE those activities called things like that :( ), but I am beginning to feel like we're really derailing and it doesn't seem fair to Aurelie. This thread is supposed to be for helping her, not for arguing semantics. What matters is that she and her relationships are happy and solid, not what anyone wants to call it.

I blame myself for starting the threadjack. :/
 
There's a lot that I'm itching to respond to here (especially the "sick and worthless" comment... just... heavy sigh... I was talking about activities within the context of consensual kinky roleplay and it freaking hurts to hear people who actually, consensually, LIKE those activities called things like that :( ), but I am beginning to feel like we're really derailing and it doesn't seem fair to Aurelie. This thread is supposed to be for helping her, not for arguing semantics. What matters is that she and her relationships are happy and solid, not what anyone wants to call it.

I blame myself for starting the threadjack. :/

Annabel, you have totally misunderstood what I said. I think all types of role play are fantastic, including the roleplay that Aurelie and her bf are now partaking in, I think it will help their situation a lot.

The sick and worthless comment was aimed towards people, men or woman who get a thrill out of humiliating their partners, not within the confines of roleplay, but for real. Rubbing their faces in it, as you would say.
 
Annabel, you have totally misunderstood what I said. I think all types of role play are fantastic, including the roleplay that Aurelie and her bf are now partaking in, I think it will help their situation a lot.

The sick and worthless comment was aimed towards people, men or woman who get a thrill out of humiliating their partners, not within the confines of roleplay, but for real. Rubbing their faces in it, as you would say.

Ah, that's good to know then.
 
Brid75, how does my situation mirror your own?

I was a single Mother the same as yourself, with a child the same age as yours, a daughter though. I met my husband, who is a kind, decent, hard working loving man, a man I fell in love with. He ticked all the boxes for me, except one. Sex! He also bonded with my child, as your bf has with yours, he was a natural father. They are still very close, even though she is a teenager now, and my husband & I have a child ourselves.

I had hoped that our sex life would improve and I tried very hard to that end. A big difference between my husband and your bf is the fact that you say your bf has a high sex drive and enjoys sex and that you now also enjoy your lovemaking. I did not enjoy our lovemaking, it left me frustrated. My husband has little interest in sex, he has a very low libido, and unlike your bf he had no interest in trying to improve himself sexually, he was never interested enough to let me teach him. As much as I tried I could never improve things, and got tired of always being knocked back. I knew that my husband loved me, and that it wasn't his fault that his libido was as low as it was. Although he was not into the sexual side of things, he was, and still is a very affectionate man, both to me, and our children, much like your boyfriend. I decided that I would try to except things and learn to live with it. I couldn't. It was making me unhappy. I have never stopped
loving my husband though, and as with your bf, he is my primary and comes first.


I met my boyfriend* at work, and we always got on well. He would confide in me about his marriage problems and I would do the same. His problems were the same as mine, so we decided to start a relationship. It was important to us that we both informed our partners, and we did.

My husband was not happy at first, he was upset and jealous and would ask much the same questions as your bf has asked you. He knew the answers of course, given his lack of interest, but it would be a way for him to confront me and pick a fight. I didn't blame him for that and tried my best to comfort him. He knew how unhappy I was though, and he loved me enough to except the situation, although I had been having sex with my boyfriend for months before he did.

A mistake I made nearly cost me my marriage. It involved a trip away with my boyfriend, not for a weekend like yours, but for the whole week. I lied to my husband, and I lied to him because I knew he would never permit me to go if he knew the truth. As far as he knew I was going on holiday with my best friend, that was true, but I failed to mention that my boyfriend would be coming with me. When he found out he left me. I was devastated. It is something I still have a huge regret over, even though my husband was loving and forgiving enough to come back to me. I let him down, and I let my own wants come before my integrity and the man that I love. It wasn't the fact that I went away for a week of sex while leaving my family at home, although that was bad enough, it was the fact that I was deceitful, cunning and wholly dishonest and disrespectful to him. As with you, I will not make the same mistake twice. This is why I urged you to always tell your bf the
truth, the one time I did not, very nearly cost me my family.


Do I love my boyfriend? I'm very fond of him, and he has shown me how joyful and beautiful sex can be.
 
Hi, I'm upset at the moment and just wanted to log on and have a rant, and also clarify a few issues that have been raised in the last few posts.

I want to talk about my Man first, when I say my Man, I do mean my Boyfriend. I'm kind of tired of calling him that, it makes me feel like a teenager. :) His name is Nathan. I have seen posts where people talk about their partners being equal, and that they give them the same amount of love, time, consideration etc etc. It's great if that works for you, but that is not me. Nathan gets more love, care, and respect from me. This is not a conscious decision on my part, that's just the way that I feel. I love them both, I love Nathan more, much more truth be told.

Apart from Nathan, my lover and his wife, only two people know about our set-up. They are my two best friends, one of which I had lunch with yesterday. This is why I'm upset. I thought she understood, she does not. I know that she is very fond of Nathan, and I also know that she never 100% approved of what we are doing, but she has no right to tell me that I do not really love Nathan. She is not someone on a forum like this, she is a very close friend.

I'm not sure if you can swear on this site, but..................She can f:eek:ck off. People telling me who I do and do not love.

Nathan is a genuine and lovely Man, he is very, very nice. People hear nice, and they think boring. You could not be more wrong. His personality is far more charming and interesting than my lover, far more intelligent. See, now I've said that I feel bad, it's true, but I feel like I'm letting the other love of my life down by saying it. It's the same when I say that my lover is better in bed than Nathan, but the other way around of course. So I try to keep them seperate and not compare them. Not better but different. Thats not true though is it. I do love Nathan more, he is better and more important to me. I like & love him more, and we are also best friends.
 
Sorry your friend was so over the line. I have no room for comments like that. How disrespectful and presumptuous. It may be coming from that default mono mindset (more than likely) but it still comes off like an asshole-ish thing to say, between friends.

I'd tread lightly with her from now on, personally.
 
He is also my sons father. That is not something I decided, it's something they decided, something my son Max decided when he started calling him Dad. Max did not ask if he could or if he should, he just did.

I got with Nathan because Max needed a father......Again she can f:eek:ck off.

I could not of discouraged Nathan any more than I did, not because I didn't like him or didn't find him attractive, I did. I discouraged him because I was with Scott (I'm fed up with lover as well, it sounds stupid.) and knew that I could not or did not want to give him up. I had tried and failed to do so in the past.

So I told him about Scott, the truth, that he was married etc etc. Nathan left it there.........For a few weeks. Then he asked me out again. I told him that he would have to share me. I was only joking, but he said.

"Well, I'm only asking you out for dinner, but o.k." Those were his very words.

He said that he loved me even then, and that's why he was so determined. I did not feel the same way about him at the time, I liked him though, it did not take long for me to fall in love with him.

He has so many personality traits that I find sexy in a man, and yes, one of those is his ability to connect with my Son.

Any single mother who has had their child ask them "Why dont I have a dad" will know what Nathan loving Max does for me.

My Son is a very sensitive Boy, easily upset, he is someone who needs to feel loved. This also means that you get a lot of love back from him. To see him give that love to someone other than myself makes me so happy. To see them kiss and hug all the time fills me with joy. They are so very close and in love with each other. So much so that if I was a jealous Mother I would sometimes feel excluded. If it's his bath time......he wants dad to do it. If it's his bed time..........He wants dad to take him. He wants his dad for everything. What boy wants to go to the park and play football with his mum?

When he is described as a babysitter.........well it's just plain silly.

Nathan made an effort with Max straight off. Why? Because he is a lovely man! We had been on three dates, and I was beginning to fall in love with him, we had not even had sex at this point, and would not for a while. He had asked me out for the day, but I was unable to go because I could not get a sitter for Max for the whole day. When I told Nathan he just told me to bring him. He made sure that Max had a great day, being a single mother I could not spoil my son as much as I wanted to, I did not have the money. Nathan spoilt him that day and still does.

"Best day ever." Thats what my son said when I asked him if he had fun that day. He could not wait to see Nathan again.

So reading all that you might think, yeah, she wanted that guy because he was Dad material. You could not be more wrong. What kind of person would that make me. I love him, for him. He makes me very happy. The fact that he loves Max just makes it more special, it makes us a family.

So, to hear my friend say these things does upset me. We were arguing but that is no excuse. She sees us together and knows how we are together.
 
I'm so sorry your friend doesn't understand or try to understand, and has made such terrible remarks. Sometimes it takes telling people off and then not seeing them for a while for them to realize they were being inconsiderate and hurtful. I don't know what else to say except that you are welcome here, and you can PM people that you feel you might want to talk with privately. It's not the same as friends in real life, but it's something.
 
Cuckold..........The reason I do not like that word is because things that are associated wth it. Wimp, sissy, bitch. This in no way describes what my boyfriend is like. He is very much a man, he may be laid back and gentle most of the time, but I have seen him when provocked, he is no wimp.

However, dh, Annabelmore and Brid75 are right when they say we have been doing some cuckold roleplay. And yes it does involve talk of how much bigger Scott's cock is, and how much better he is in bed. We use the cuckold word, it does not bother Nathan. He likes it. I dont really understand it, but as long as he enjoys it, and it's roleplay thats fine. He has expressed an interest in watching my lover and I. I am surprised that this has happened, but it has taught me that in future I should not make assumptions when it comes to men and sex. As for Nathan watching, assuming that Scott agrees to it, I am unsure. We will take the roleplay further and see how it goes.

It's one thing to hear about it, but I'm not sure how Nathan will react if he sees it. I have not told Scott about any of this yet. I want them to meet first. I know that he will be turned on by the whole idea of it though.

As Annabelmore said though, whatever you call it doesn't matter, as long as my relationships are strong and loving.
 
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@Brid75, firstly thanks for your reply. Your right, my situation does mirror yours to a degree, and I'm happy for you that it all has worked out for you and your loved ones.

As I said before, I find your posts a little uncomfortable to read, partly because of the way you word them, but also because they do speak some truths.

The weekend away was a huge mistake, it was the cause of this trouble and you are right when you say that I knew he did not want me to go, and your correct when you say I went anyway. Did I cuckold him as you say? Well it does not matter what you call it, all that matters is that I know it was a mistake, and that Nathan and I have discussed it at length, and he knows that I'm sorry and that I will not do it again. It was selfish. I also regret suggesting that he see's other woman. I did it to make myself feel less guilty about Scott. I should have known that he would have found it to be an ordeal. The fact that he tried it purely because he thought that was what I wanted makes me feel terrible. Again it was selfish.

I did tell Nathan the truth though, as you said I should. It was something that I thought would be the right thing to do, and I've done it, and it has made things a lot better.
 
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