This is a lot of work. (TP's story, when she feels like updating)

TruckerPete

New member
Well duh.

Indigo and I just had another chat. It was good and productive, like all of our chats have been since we've started down the rabbit hole. But I'm tired of talking and crying and talking and crying right now, despite the good results.

Alright. I lie. I'm just plain tired. I'm actually truly glad we're doing this; we're learning a great deal about ourselves, each other, and we're strengthening our relationship. I have every expectation that this is one of those long term payouts. I'm not a patient person, and I have the sinking feeling that I am actually learning patience! :rolleyes:

Was life easier when I had only friends with benefits? Oh hell yeah. But it was also shallower, a testing the waters before we took "the plunge" sort of thing.

And aside from the benefits to our relationship, I've already experienced a one-more-shoulder-to-cry-on moment.

Long background story short: Mother, with whom I already have a strained relationship, called Sunday to tell me that she will not be attending our wedding in February. Our wedding that she has known about for over a year. Why? It's going to interfere too much with her schooling. Aside from the obvious hurt this has caused, it also served to validate multitudes of incidents from childhood where I was placated or told that I was just imagining (what I have since accepted to be) her emotional abuse. Despite years of therapy, I was still holding a scrap of hope inside that my childhood was one big misunderstanding. That dam broke this week.

So Indigo has held me while I wept. And has been his usual comforting self. He also let Mother know how he feels about her ... which was a long time coming. He's never said a bad thing to her. This was all anticipated comfort, and much appreciated.

Unanticipated comfort: I dragged my ass from bed to see Mr. A out of a sense of obligation. I found a concerned, loving boyfriend. We had a beer. He listened to me rant. He encouraged me, when I felt I was talking about myself too much. Added benefit, he is so far removed from the situation that my irrational mind can't dismiss him saying, "You're right to feel this way" and allow me to ninja myself into another spiral of hurty angriness.

Unexpected benefits: Upon returning from Mr. A's, I felt ... better! And who else benefitted from this? Indigo! On normal occassions when I feel like garbage, I tend to take the route of sleeping it off. But instead, Indigo got an hour or two of Happy Natasha (not to mention much needed lovings of his own) before I went to bed for the night.

So, when we started this, I had no illusions that I'd just go out and find a few BFs and GFs, Indigo would find a few GFs, we'd get a unicorn, and then we'd all live together, (happily ever after, of course!), in a free-loving tribe. But I also didn't really know what to expect.

After just a mere month, I have so much MORE respect for the happy people on here. You've clearly earned it!


Into the rabbit hole; I can't wait to see where it goes. This shit's a lot of work! :D
 
Dear self,

Go to bed. You're not accomplishing anything right now, as you're too tired to be struck by wonderful insight whilst nosing around on the forum.


Much love,

You.
 
Dear TruckerPete

I think you're adorable. But go to bed, cause you'll enjoy the forums better in the morning when there's more to read.

Love,

FormerUnicorn
 
Dear TruckerPete

I think you're adorable. But go to bed, cause you'll enjoy the forums better in the morning when there's more to read.

Love,

FormerUnicorn

Heehee! Thanks FU*, I did take my own advice!




*Needed to make this reference once myself. Scratched that itch. Thank you!
 
A great night

Mr. A came over for dinner last night with Indigo and I. It was the first time they'd had any extended interaction together.

It went really well. We watched some TV and laughed at the funny bits. (All of us have a similar sense of humour.) We watched Jeopardy, and sometimes they laughed at me. I have very narrow pop culture knowledge, and apparently some answers were obvious, because they both said them right away. :p It feels good to be the butt of a joke they share.

Later, Indigo had plans, so Mr. A and I had some alone time. Indigo and I had alone time before Mr. A arrived, in the form of a snuggly nap! So it was a real win of an evening for me. :)

Everyone agreed that it wasn't awkward and they had a good time.

I think we need to figure out which restaurants in town have round tables. :D
 
Coming Out (again)

I came out to a good friend this morning, whom we'll call S. She's a very open-minded person, and mono. She used to be a coworker, but got a better job. She also lives with a current coworker of mine, whom we'll call W. I'd say he's her boyfriend, but they're so much more connected than that might imply. Everyone who knows them KNOWS they will be together for the rest of their lives.

The following conversation happened after I actually told her:
TP says:
I assume anything you know, W knows, so no big deal.
S says:
If it were something you did not want anyone to know, I would not tell W. He does think you have an open relationship though. And honestly, I don't know why either of us thought/knew that.
TP says:
Haha. That's kind of funny! :p
S says:
I think just based on comments you guys have thrown around.

So I am very happy. They are both wonderful people, and if there is ever any question of the commitment Indigo and I have to each other, they would certainly defend us.

Much relief. I'm glad it's just sort of assumed by my friends. Even if it's the wrong label, it's "close enough" for me at this point. (Though I did explain the difference to S. :D )
 
Even if it's the wrong label, it's "close enough" for me at this point. )

It might be the wrong label but it is one that the greater part of society recognizes with at least some undestanding. When I came out to my parents I used "open relationship" and it went way smoother than when I told a close personal friend that I was in a "polyamorous" relationship...what a mistake that was. I ended up having to repeatedly defend the non-promiscuous nature of PN and RP more than actually telling her about my relationship. I wrote a thread called "knowing your audience" that dealt specifically with speaking to people using thier language instead of trying to teach them a completely different one. I'm not an activist or promoter of poly so I have no issue with taking the easy way out LOL ;)

Great news to hear she is so supportive of you :)

Here's the thread in case anyone is interested http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2853
 
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Great news to hear she is so supportive of you :)

Here's the thread in case anyone is interested http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2853

She didn't understand personally how it was possible to love more than one, but she recognized that it is the case for me, and said that she was happy for us as as long as we were happy. Which we are!

I loved your story! Sent it to Mr. A, who has asked that I send anything interesting in his direction. Not hinting to him, but it gives a good perspective on how the "other man" can come out to his family, should that be something he decides to do.

Because I'm lazy and don't want to do the math, how long after dating RP did you come out to your family?
 
She didn't understand personally

Because I'm lazy and don't want to do the math, how long after dating RP did you come out to your family?

I met RP in January and told my parents in March of the same year. I actually told my sister in February because she is very acceptiong and open minded...although she was still shocked but not the first time she had heard of poly.

I told my mother just before Mother's Day because I was tired of lying to her about what I was doing onthe wekends or denying that some one meaningful had come into my life. I was essentially losing depth with my parents and siblings.
 
I used the words "ethical non-monogamy"
I think you just became my hero for creating that term.

That is such a great thread Mono. I really like the idea of using relatable terms to explain what Poly means, I think in the past I had tried to explain it and got bogged down as you said "by definitions" rather than explaining it in such a way that can be understood.

I had posted in the 'Coming Out' thread about dropping the 'P-Bomb' (TP's words) on women I am interested in.

I have tried all the advice from that thread: posted in my POF profile, not posting and saying right away, waiting until they have seen who I am as a person and then send them an email along the lines of "I really enjoyed our didn't want to mislead you..." and used the term "committed, non-manogamous relationship"

So I have tried multiple approaches; and received hate mail for posting in my profile and the results are I now have more female friends when telling them after establishing a good basis for a relationship (relationship in the broad sense of the word, friend or partner).

Predominantly the response has been a reluctance to 'share' me with TP. I can understand their point of view, but I feel I am not conveying the idea of a poly relationship well enough to be convincing.

I know this may not be the case all of the time but two of the women are definitely interested and are having issues coming to terms with sharing someone they are dating, both have said this outright (yes TP I took your advice and asked) and the others have asked things like "You have someone? is that not enough?"

I am wondering if anyone has stories, or advice in the phrasing and explaining what poly means, or what being with someone who is poly means.

I will develop a blog when I have time, but for now I am hijacking TP's blog
 
Reveling ...

Indigo and I have gotten our scuba certification over the last week ... The instructor is a sweetie, easy to make blush, and I've been flirtier than I normally ever would be.

It's so nice that it's OKAY. I feel good.
 
Round table for the win!

Indigo and I (as he mentioned) did have some problems last week, but they were sorted out. After said issues were sorted, he said that he had planned on offering a surprise overnight option on Friday, should Mr. A's schedule work out. (He works about 28 days a month, and rarely has time off on a weekend, when I do.)

Miracle of miracles, Mr. A had a freaking day off on Saturday! Indigo and I spent some quality snuggle time together before Mr. A picked me up on Friday, and then off I went.

Saturday morning comes around and Mr. A and I contemplate brunch. I need to call Indigo to okay being later than our agreed time if Mr. A and I are to go to brunch. I tell Mr. A I need to call Indigo and he asks if it's to invite him. I said no ... but the bug was planted and I sheepishly asked a few minutes later if he'd mind, since I couldn't imagine a lovelier way to enjoy brunch at my favourite spot. He said it was all good!

So we went to brunch. With a round table! The food was wonderful and the company was better. The sun was shining! I got to sit with one leg touching each of Indigo AND Mr. A.

I didn't truly realize until after, but these two gents don't know each other. I mean I knew this, but sitting there, they have much in common and seemed to be quite at ease, laughing at the same jokes, poking fun at me, and referencing pop culture-y things I don't get. It was easy to forget that they probably haven't talked for more than 2 hours total. This made me appreciate the whole experience even more.

Indigo very generously offered to pay for brunch, and my heart melted all over again. He has worked so hard for me, for this. I know he could take or leave poly; certainly life would be easier for him to leave it. But he's not leaving it. He's taking it, and therefore me.

I am trying harder to be so appreciative of this man.


You can read Indigo's version of brunch here.
 
Senior member? *snork*

Sometime in the last couple of days, I passed 100 posts and hit Senior Member status. Funny. I don't feel like I know more... For all you folks know, maybe I just like to play the word association game a lot.

That wasn't actually why I came on to post, but it made me giggle.

Indigo sat me down tonight with an "I've been thinking... " These always strike a lighting bolt of fear into me, despite the fact that he has never once said something negative after beginning this way.

He wants to offer Mr. A and I the chance at 3 days a week together! Which in itself is goood news, but even better for me, was that I didn't immediately jump at the opportunity, screaming "OH YESSS!" like I'm in a shampoo commercial. The first thought through my brain was ACTUALLY "Is this good for everyone?"

So after talking with Indigo and Mr. A a bit, we've reached a "try it and see what happens and listen to everyone" agreement. I felt thrilled by my reaction because it really does mean we're settling in and I can get on LIVING without the wonderful but oh-sooooo-exhausting NRE high.

Mr. A brought up the great point that if we only have an hour to see each other rather than a whole evening, with three "days" to see each other it's not going to feel like we're "wasting" a day and should hold out for better times based on his unpredictable and demanding work schedule.

This hit me as a DUH moment. Why should we label days as "Indigo's" and "Mr. A's"??? I suppose this boundary was necessary in the beginning or I surely would've disappeared in a puff of NRE. But with the way things have settled now, of course it is possible that all parties feel their needs have been met ON THE SAME DAY.

Again, DUH.

This can only lead to greater comfort and flexibility, I think.

On an equally pleasing front, after Saturday's brunch, the guys have been casually chatting on MSN. This is thrilling for me, of course.

We're all having dinner tomorrow (tonight??), and I'm cooking. I'm looking forward to it a great deal because I see Indigo and Mr. A as potential friends, and we don't entertain guests very often at all.

Gee, it's almost like hard work and communication pays off or something! :rolleyes:
 
Things are going ... Some good, some bad. You can read about them all in Indigo's blog or the poly vignettes ...

I'm fighting tooth and nail against slipping into the depression that always dominates this time of year.
 
On rings 'n things

Things, of late, have been revolving around family. Talks of family, thoughts of telling family about us (all of us), etc. I would like to tell my father when he returns from a business trip he's currently on.

While at Mr. A's last night, his parents called. He ended up talking to them for about an hour, looking helplessly at me, while I mouthed that it was perfectly okay. He had ... an equally unpleasant childhood as me. My advantage now is that my parents are separated, my father and I have worked through things that happened, and resolved our differences. My mother, well, we don't speak, but that also means we don't argue. The relationship with Dad makes up for it.

I got the impression that Mr. A's family was asking if he had a girlfriend or was seeing anyone at one point. He sort of looked at me, looked guilty, and said, "Not really." He clarified this was the case, and told me that aside from the fact that I'm engaged he thought that I might get along with his mother, despite the fact that his parents have not liked any of his previous girlfriends. (From what I know, I can only say they were justified ... ) But they are very conservative and he can't imagine telling them about us.

I don't fault him for this. We're not even three months in. None of us are out to our parents. All three of us have told select friends, and been encouraged by those results, but family is, well, different!

This got me thinking.

The original impetus behind the boundary of me keeping my ring on, from my point of view, was that anyone I date has to be willing to accept the whole package (Indigo included!). No cow-people wanted. You don't get to insulate yourself from Indigo; you're expected to be part of my life, and in return I will give you the same.

Indigo can clarify, but I believe he shares much the same view, with the addition that perhaps the ring is a reminder that he knows and is not a cuckhold.

Last night, I realized that Mr. A respects Indigo, they are calling each other friends, and he does accept the whole package, while working through his "other guy" feelings. So the whole reasoning for the ring fell out from under me ... We are all finding family to be a bit of a special case, and hey, wouldn't it be better if his family knew the real me, before potentially finding out I'm engaged or married? And if we don't make it that far, then Mr. A gets a free pass to go on with his mono life, meet a mono girl, get mono-married, and all that (mono) jazz without ever having to shatter his parents' illusions. Me, well, I will be shattering more illusions at some point. Better sooner than later as far as I'm concerned.

So this morning I asked Indigo what he thought, and explained my feelings. Indigo ... agreed! This afternoon, I was able to tell Mr. A that "no ring" was an option, should he choose to take it and introduce me. Almost immediately, I got a message from Indigo saying that Mr. A had thanked him.

I think this one sentence Indigo spoke to Mr. A sums things up nicely: "I'm petrified of telling my parents and I've got the ring on her finger. I count you as a friend and so making your life easier is not issue at all." He went on to assuage any feelings of other man syndrome and all sorts of things that just make my heart overflow with indescribable goodness and rightness.

So am I a Champion of Polyamory? Probably not. But it feels like the right decision, and not a betrayal to anyone I love. I'll take being a Champion of Us.
 
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