Confused

I am not really sure why I am writing this, maybe to just sort my thoughts or hear some comforting words from people who might understand. English is not my native language, so please forgive any errors I make.

Where to begin? Maybe introducing myself and the other people concerning it.

First there is me, let's just call me B, 44 male, self employed and happily married to my lovely wife L 47 with who I have four great kids with and live in a very happy and loving relationship with a very good sex live.

Some time ago along comes G 46, single, divorced two nice kids. Also self employed and financially stable. We new here before (small town), but really started to get to know each other about 2 years ago.

We hit it off in a way as friends like never with anyone before. We three klick together like three puzzle pieces that were made for each other. Our outlook on life, politics, family and everything else is so compatible that it's ridiculous. Our kids love here end hers love us. For fun I even goggled our Astrological sings once, and tough I don't really believe in it, even those match perfectly up to the rising sign. Since we met we have been doing things together all the time. We have many friends and also friends we don't really share, but in the end of the day the it all rotates around the three of us. It is so obvious that we get strange looks and comments from time to time. We are often seen all three together but also just as two in any combination. We live in a small community and recently heard that we are the talk of town – so to speak. With rumors abound what kind of relationship we have. Being financially independent, I couldn't care less – the girls find it funny and giggle about it.

We like to have party’s and to go out and have fun and if we can help it, it's at least the three of us, everyone else seems optional, as we also have agreed in our talks. As this relationship grew closer G told us many times (which is now kind of an in joke between us) that if she were a guy she'd be totally into L and would marry her on the spot. Also both girls are quite touchy/feelie and tend to hang on to me and to each other a lot, especially when we had a few drinks. Some time ago when we were out together I met an old friend with whom I chatted for a while and when he saw those two dance and cuddle with each other asked me if I am not getting jealous watching them. After the came over and latched on to me he just grinned stupidly and later teased me with questions how it is having tow wives at once. Also my sister in law always jokes about my second wive.

My personal feelings for G are interesting. First and foremost she is my very best friend. No other guy or girl comes even close. I am happy when she is with us and I like to spend time with her. From time to time we (G & Me) do things together without my wife, and tough there is a strong connection between us with much flirting, hugging and compliments, our main theme of talk is how we both adore L. I also really love my wife and never cheated on her, nor wanted to. I find G very attractive, but I never considered or even thought about having an affair with her not involving my wife. If I were single, I'd hit on her on the spot, but I love L too much and never would want anyone to get hurt not G not L and also not me. Even a threesome was never my top fantasy and I was always fearing that one of these days with some alcohol and fun we all would inevitable end in bed with each other, maybe changing or destroying everything. A few times in all our relationship when G and me got along too well my wife got a little jealous and my reaction was to tone down the meetings between the three of us, but L couldn't stand that and after one or two days she was always the one drawing G back to us and all went back to normal. She sometimes says we should do more things together as a couple alone, but the one then inviting G over a few moments later is always she.

Now about two weeks ago G met a guy she liked and started to date. First I was taken a little aback, but soon thought that this would be for the best. She hasn't had a real relationship for quite some time, and I think this could be good for her. I just want to see her happy and if he makes her happy I would be glad for here. But in our private 3 way group chat we have running pretty much all day here messages make it obvious that she likes him but doesn't really love him and always hints at that this won't last anyway. Now she introduced him to us and I really went out of my way to make him feel welcome and comfortable, which was not easy because G made it rather clear who is her top priority here, she was flirting blatantly with L in front of him, commenting that he can be happy that L is not a guy and stuff like that. Also mentioning all the time that I am her best friend and that she will be doing this or that (going with me for a coffee, doing some sport etc.) alone with me in the near future again. It was all jokingly and not really mean, but I would not have felt to comfortable in his skin. I think he is a nice guy and maybe could become my friend in time so I did everything to make him as comfortable as possible, and we had a really great time in the end. But when we all danced together and G danced with me she was snuggling up to me even closer and more intimate then ever before, all the time looking deeply into my eyes and flirting with me. I don't think he noticed (we were pretty drunk by then), and L doesn't seem to care as long as it's G who dances with my like this (if I would dance like this with anyone else, I think I'd be in trouble...).
Later when G and I where alone for a moment she drunkenly told me if ever anything sexual between her and L should happen I should please not be mad or feel left out, I have to promise here that. Before we could elaborate on that we were no longer alone and other topics came up.

Now she wants to go out partying for a girls night with L alone with me looking after the kids. Not a problem for me and I hope they have fun, but something tells me that G will try to make a move one L in the near future. As far as I know they both have never had a lesbian experience. G is bi curious I think and L always told me she finds women attractive but never had sex with one or the desire to do so, but I don't think she is totally against the idea, and if any woman should ever be considered it would surely be G.

Now back to why I am writing this. I don't really know. I don't want anyone hurt, so I am not pushing into any direction. I would be perfectly happy if G would really hit it off with the new guy and we all stay friends, but my gut tells me that won't work out that way. If a relationship between L and G would form not involving me other than as a friend to G, I think I would be OK with that too. But also I don't really think that will be an option. I am not 16 years old anymore and I can tell if a woman is into me. And my feelings tell me that G would be all over me if this wouldn't hurt L, which she would never do, and that makes me like her even more.

Sometimes I think I am crazy and making things up in my head about a completely harmless friendship, but every time I halfway convinced myself I get it rubbed so obviously in my face it seems ridiculous. Like with the new guy. First I thought see, you are an old fool and everything will work out normally, then came that evening, and it's like this all the time.

So I am not really sure why I am bothering you all, I don't think I'll do anything for fear of hurting someone or doing some damage that can't be undone. Maybe just sorting my thoughts on the situation will help me for I really don't have anyone I could or would like to talk about this situation.

Well thanks just for “listening” to my story so far.
 
Hello ConfusedandCurios,

After reading your story, I have to say you seem to have an extremely good relationship with G (as well as with L). Maybe this will sound crazy, but I actually think there's a chance the three of you could form a polyamorous triad before too long. You just have to take it slow, and communicate with each other whenever possible. Also I encourage you to keep posting on this thread, let us know how your situation is progressing so that we can give you new feedback/advice. Thank you for sharing your story, I just wish the very best for you, G, and L.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for your kind words Kevin.

I'll certainly take it slow, maybe it will work out with G's guy after all, and everyone will live happily ever after. If not, I'll see what the girls get up to. I certainly won't try to push anyone into anything.

At the moment it seems G want's to spend more time with me, strangely enough the new guy is never a topic she brings up with me (opposed to with L) and I am not sure if I should bring it up. I don't think she wants to talk with me about him, being more flirty with me than usual.

Well, we'll see where this all is going. If anything comes up that's interesting or I need advice, I'll surely write again.
 
I can only go on your description of the situation, but if I had to guess, I'd say G appears to have feelings for both L and yourself.

It seems pretty obvious she's sexually attracted to, or at least curious about what it might be like to be with your wife sexually/romantically. At the same time it sounds like G is extremely comfortable in your presence and the constant flirtation indicates she may also have some interest in you, though L seems to be her priority at this time.

It is possible, though hard to say for sure, that G might have been inadvertently using her new boyfriend's presence that night to gauge if either you or L would become jealous and consequently try to make a move on HER. Maybe she is wary of "ruining" yours and L's marriage, and has been holding back on making any overt move on either of you, in case she says/does something that can't be taken back. (Much like you were worried about a potential threesome spoiling the friendship forever.)

I agree with Kevin that on the surface, it sounds like there is some potential to move forward slowly into a polyamorous configuration... IF it's what all three of you are truly comfortable with.

The question is: Is G only interested in L? (And if so, would L reciprocate those feelings?)

It's unlikely, but possible, that G has been "using" the joking around/flirtation with both L and yourself as a "soft" way to introduce her interest in dating YOU specifically, without making L jealous. (By giving L equal or even more attention in order to "counteract" the fact that she's flirting overtly with you).

If that turned out to be the case, how do you think your wife would feel about the possibility of you and G dating each other separately in a "V" type arrangement, with you as hinge between L and G?

I really think there is only one way to find out for sure (other than the "accidental" drunken indiscretion you alluded to in your post)... and that is to sit down and have a serious discussion with both L and G about the issue. It'd probably be prudent to bring the subject up with your wife first, in a semi casual way, just to see if she's even open to the possibility of such a discussion... or if she flees in horror at the very mention of a poly relationship.

There is also G's new man to consider. I assume she really does like him to some extent and vice versa... and as a human being his feelings count too. If G wishes to continue seeing him YET is also open to forming some kind of relationship with yourself and/or L, he will have to be looped into the discussion at some point, as ethical polyamory necessitates the informed consent of all parties.
 
I agree with lunabunny's entire post, sit down with L and have a talk about poly; then, go from there. Good luck!
 
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