Spilling the poly secret to your best friend

franchescasc

New member
So, I've been very best friends with LT since I was 16 or so. We had babies together, both married our high school sweethearts, and have grown as adults together. I still see her 4-5 times a year since we have moved to diff areas of the country.

Here's my dilemma. I haven't told her about my 4 month relationship with my gf MD. I have told her that my husband, FJ, and I have discussed the possibility of me fooling around with a girl on the side. She knows I am bi. We have very candid and frank convos about all types of sex and our own sex lives. But when I told her the FJ didn't mind the idea of me and another girl she couldn't wrap her head around it. Doesn't understand how he could be ok with me "dividing" my love and attention. I have felt judged by her at times, although it usually is nothing-just her protectiveness over me.

I have to tell her about this part of my life. I know she'll be hurt I haven't told her for so long, and I'm afraid of the fall out. Any suggestions of what to say? She is a very thorough questioner, so ill be bombarded with a million questions.

Ack!
 
I don't have any great insight for you, but I have had a somewhat similar conversation.

My best friend is married, straight and mono. She has always known that I am bi and poly. BUT when I got involved with Dude I didn't tell her right away (my prior poly ventures had all been with women - and never evolved into anything more than FWBs - this was different).

It turns out that she knew something was up (I'm a talker, and Dude kept coming up in conversations ... as a "Friend"). When I was ready to have "the conversation" (6 months in, or so) it actually went fairly well. She had some questions and concerns and I answered them to the best of my ability.

I don't think that she was really, really "ok" with it, though, until we (the three of us) stopped to stay with her last year. At that point, she was able to SEE that MrS was perfectly comfortable with the dynamic and happy - and her fears seemed to visibly evaporate. (She really likes and respects MrS - most of her fears were that he was "putting up" with something that was eating away at him inside because she knows how much he loves me. Her main concern was that I would hurt him and screw up our marriage.)

Her husband...NOT okay with it (although he was perfectly pleasant and hospitable while we were there - his negative reaction will only ever be expressed to her, never anyone else). Nor would I have expected him to be, nor do I particularly care. Just means that when she comes to visit US, then he won't be coming along.

Here's my dilemma. I haven't told her about my 4 month relationship with my gf MD. I have told her that my husband, FJ, and I have discussed the possibility of me fooling around with a girl on the side. She knows I am bi. We have very candid and frank convos about all types of sex and our own sex lives. But when I told her the FJ didn't mind the idea of me and another girl she couldn't wrap her head around it. Doesn't understand how he could be ok with me "dividing" my love and attention. I have felt judged by her at times, although it usually is nothing-just her protectiveness over me.

I have to tell her about this part of my life. I know she'll be hurt I haven't told her for so long, and I'm afraid of the fall out. Any suggestions of what to say? She is a very thorough questioner, so ill be bombarded with a million questions.

Ack!

I would preface the conversation by referring to some of this - along the lines of:

"I've been wanting to talk to you about something important that has been going on in my life, but I was afraid of how you would react. We have talked about my bisexuality and that FJ and I have discussed me being with another girl. You may have noticed that 'something was up' recently - it's that we have forged ahead on this front - I have been seeing MD for the last 4 months.

I know that you have concerns - you have expressed some before, but before we get into it I want you to know that I love you and value your insight but that FJ and I are just fine. This is a new experience and there are some wrinkles to iron out (time management, etc) but we are learning and growing. MD and I are so new, we are still figuring stuff out. I have really wanted to be able to talk to you about this but I was worried that you would judge us - even though I know that it is just because you care about me."

At this point - if she doesn't yell that you are a horrible person who is going to burn in hell forever and that she never wants to talk to you again as she slams down the phone - she will probably have a LOT of questions. You won't have all the answers - that's ok.

If her questions have to do with how FJ "really" feels - you could say: "We have talked about it and he tells me x-and-y, his actions back that up, so I believe him." and offer that she could talk to him herself.

If her questions have to do with how this could affect your children - you could say: "We have talked about this...Obviously making sure that our kids are not harmed is a very high priority. So we have made x plans regarding that (making sure that they get quality time with you, etc.)

I would expect a lot of "What if" type questions - you answer those depending on what they are:

"Well, that would be a possibility even if we were just friends - I don't know that dating someone makes that more likely."

"Well, we thought about that, and if that were to happen then I think we would respond by doing X"

"Well, that is an interesting question...I actually hadn't thought about that before, THIS is why I like being able to talk to you about this...my gut response is Y but I think I need to talk to FJ about this some more."

If she stops asking questions and starts accusing/judging you? (i.e "I can't believe how selfish you are being. Your husband is only saying these things so you don't leave, how can you DO this to him. You are a bad mother to do this to your kids." etc.)

My advice would be to dis-engage and walk away for the time being. "I'm sorry that you are responding this way - I was afraid this might happen, which is why I didn't come to you sooner. I want you to know that FJ and I are comfortable with our decisions, we love each other, and this does not change that. I'm going to leave it at that for now, and if, in the future you want to talk about this again - once you have had time to think about it - then I am open to that. But we all have to decide for ourselves what is best for us....Goodbye."

She might need time...or she might never be okay with it. But I wouldn't try to argue and justify things if she responds negatively to your initial disclosure. You will both end up saying things that could hurt the other, that could actually permanently alter your friendship - and that is so NOT the point.

JaneQ

PS. If push comes to shove you can point out "you don't HAVE to understand, you can just ACCEPT what I am telling you"
 
Perfect

JaneQ-

That's exactly what I needed. Those are the perfect words for this situation. I really think she probably already suspects, so I'm hopin it will just be a huge relief for both of us.
 
If she asks you why you didn't tell her sooner, you can just say you wanted to wait until you felt things were solid with your gf before telling anyone. And with this being new to you, you didn't want want to jinx anything by gushing over it before you really had a sense of how the relationship was going. How could she be mad or hurt at that? You can even say the truth: "I was a little afraid to tell you, because I wasn't sure how you'd react. I thought you might get a little protective toward me and worry, but I hope you will be happy for me."
 
Train Wreck

Well, that was awful. At first when I told her, she had a few questions but it was the end of the night and was tired. She said she needed some time to process, but that she loved me and would call me the next day. Well, when she called the next day she was angry and had lots of judgements. I'll bullet point some of her issues to help shorten this story:

  • What is wrong with FJ? Why doesn't he love you and cherish you enough to want you all to himself?
  • What were you missing from your marriage?
  • What is your end game? This can only end in heartbreak
  • I can understand wanting to experience being with a woman, and knowing what that feels like, why do you have to have a relationship?
  • Isn't it hypocritical that FJ isn't having other partners?
  • What does FJ get out of this?
    • What are you going to do? Move MD in next door and share a swimming pool like on Big Love?
    • When do the kids find out? You're going to screw them up.
    • You said you prayed the other day. I'm curious…who exactly are you praying to?
    • Is it because FJ gets turned on by this?
    • This is basically cheating
    • You are not committed to FJ or your family
    • This is going to blow up in your face. It's wrong

Then she called a second time and just flat out said she hates this. That she doesn't know who I am, she feels like she's lost her best friend and that my kids are going to suffer. She then said she is so angry at FJ for allowing me to explore this. That if he hadn't been open to the idea, I wouldn't have gotten involved with MD and none of this would happen. She feels like he doesn't love me enough to keep me to himself.

I tried to answer her questions without being defensive. I understand that this kind of news can feel like betrayal, and I want to give her the space to wrap her head around all of this. But I never thought she would be this judgmental. I explained that by definition, cheating is breaking the rules. Our rules are different from hers, and that doesn't make either of the sets of rules wrong. That all 3 of us involved in this relationship are happy, and constantly communicating about our needs and wants and feelings. The minute one of us isn't satisfied, we'll work it out. I told her that I feel more loved, and closer to FJ through this all. Tried to explain compersion. Was honest about the challenges that we've been working through with time management and calming NRE (didn't use a bunch of terms...didn't want to freak her out). Apologized for not telling her earlier, and explained that the emotions were so intense, and I didn't even have words to explain the situation. I also reiterated that I am intensely committed to FJ and our children, and they receive lots of time and attention from me. And reminded her that when you have more children, your love grows, not divides. And that you don't add a child to a family because something is missing or that first child isn't good enough. I asked her to remember her love and respect for FJ & I, and to trust us because she knows us well enough that we hold our children's best interest above all else in this. She said she wasn't convinced that we are being good parents right now. That stung. Also, the whole "who are you praying to" pissed me off. I told her that I am being honest and acting with integrity, no one is getting hurt or being forced to doing anything. In fact we are all being less self-centered through this, growing personally, and that more love can't be a bad thing. In my opinion this has no affect on my personal spirituality.

Our last message was that she was SO angry, wasn't sleeping and had a horrible day. She said she hoped I thought this was worth it because she didn't know if she could be around for the fallout.

This is a friend that has stood by me through everything. EVERYTHING. I never thought she would be this upset. She has stood by another friend of ours who has 5 children as well, and cheated on her husband for a year, left him and is now married to the person she cheated with. In fact, they are good friends with the couple, visiting and vacationing sometimes. How in the world is what I am doing not worthy of the same love and understanding she gave that friend??

I told her simply that I loved her, that I wasn't going to push because I knew she needed some time, but that I was the same person.

I'm really torn up over this.
 
I am sorry to hear that it didn't go better.

I am on the ipod, so i can't be too long.

What i am getting is that your BFF sees your relationship with her as a validation of her own choices. You said you went to school, had babies, etc. together and it even looks like you both followed the Life Script together, and she sees you as her personal human mirror. If she looksat you and you look the way she imagines she should look, then her brain tells her that god is in heaven and all's right with the world.

You just took that away from her.
 
Human Mirror

Unfortunately, I think that may be true. Which is why I do understand that she may feel like this is a betrayal of sorts. Not that it is, but in her mind I've betrayed who she thinks of me as.

I am just taking JaneQ's advice and letting her have space. She knows I'll be here when/if she's ready. I just hope it comes.
 
I predict that she's waiting for something to go horribly wrong so she can say "i told you so". Then and only then will she be your friend again. Because you see, true friends are there for you when no one else is. Girlfriends and boyfriends may come and go, but... Once you have learned this the hard way and realized that you have sinned, you'll repent and things will be back to the way they should be.
 
I generally agree with "true friends are there for you when no one else is" but there are limits. If I found out that someone I thought of as a friend was a child molester, I would be clicking that "Unfriend" button faster than you can blink.

Please don't think I'm saying what you did is anything like being a child molester. From my perspective, you're just living your life and doing what makes you happy. No one is being harmed. But in her mind, what you're doing is Wrong, with a big capital W. I'm sure she doesn't think it's as bad as being a child molester, but it rubs against her morals. She's in a situation where someone she thought of as a friend turned out to be not who she thought you were.

Unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do about that. She is entitled to her morals, as you are entitled to yours. She's allowed to pick and keep her friends using any criteria that she sees fit. Hopefully she comes around, but if not, then she's not someone you really want in your life anyway.
 
I generally agree with "true friends are there for you when no one else is" but there are limits. If I found out that someone I thought of as a friend was a child molester, I would be clicking that "Unfriend" button faster than you can blink.

Yeah I was being half-sarcastic about that though. It's been my experience that, unlike "fair-weather" friends, a lot of "friends" have a hard time supporting their "friends" when things are going WELL. It's like they can't WAIT for something to go wrong so they can show you what a great friend they are. It's another version of "misery loves company". And ALL PEOPLE are definitely not like this - I'm just saying I've had some experience with this, that's all. I don't know the OP or their friend and for all I know I got it all wrong.
 
So know this situation. Sorry that you have to experience it. It happened in our case as well with my mother. I don't have many positive input to add unfortunately, my relationship with my mother is damaged (from my point of view for sure, I haven't heard her honest opinion yet) and I feel distant and defensive. The confrontation happened a year ago.

But it got better after the first weeks. She came around to just ignore our relationship 'arrangement' mostly and doesn't talk about it nowadays. Give your friend some time, maybe it will become better but if I would be in this situation again, I would (after some time has passed) point out to the other person that this has damaged my picture of her/him and that I am disappointed and hurt. Not in an aggressive way, but I believe that my mother for instance is sure that I am the only one at fault here and that she has every right in the world to hold my life against me in whatever way that pleases her. Still some conversation to be had for sure in the future, but as she has been quite ill and just completed her treatment it wasn't appropriate to stress her even more, from my point of view.

Wishing you a better outcome than I experienced.
 
[*]You said you prayed the other day. I'm curious…who exactly are you praying to?

Obviously this pissed you off! I can assume she comes very religious background. From my personal observations of my own family, first reactions to news that someone they love has stepped outside their little box of acceptable behavior and beliefs is usually less than stellar :eek: Any deviation in theology is seen as an attack on them personally. Eventually, they get over it, but not after having their temper tantrum first.

A face to face meeting might go better. I now refuse to have religious/political debates with my mother over the phone, it never goes well :rolleyes:. Send her a list of questions (specific to items she threw out at you), that she can have time to research and get back to you. Ask her specifics, like "How EXACTLY are your children being harmed?" or "Why would she think God would turn his back on you?", etc.

Don't allow her to rant and just throw out knee jerk accusations. Let her know that you will not subject yourself to that kind of abuse. If she has specific issues she can ask questions, but she must also be willing to listen to the answer without getting irrational. Remind her that your choices are not a personal attack on her.

For some unknown reason, at least to the Fundamentalist Christians I know, anything involving sex, that falls outside the traditional, seems to be one of the worst sins you could do (right up there with murder), but lying about your address to get your kid in a school outside your area is just brushed aside.
 
Yeah BG nailed it unfortunately. Her reaction has everything to do with her and not at all with your reality. Time may help her get some perspective and realize you are the same person.

Dan Savage suggests giving parents freaking out about their son or daughter coming out as LBGT a year. Her reaction - down to the classic 'I don't know who you are anymore' - is very similar to if you had come out as gay/lesbian. I don't think it's a coincidence that you have come out as really, truly, for reals, bisexual. It's not theoretical, not 'fooling around' now. For some reason, some straight people understand fucking someone of the same sex but not being in an actual relationship. Anyway, back to Savage's suggestion, keep in touch, answer respectful questions, address fears. Be a bit more accepting of stupidity and ignorance than you otherwise might. If after a year, your friend is still this judgmental and disparaging, then that might the time to cut ties entirely or ramp the friendship way down. I hope this is not the outcome and she gets her shit together and remains the friend you so value.

Also I get why she was so supportive of your cheating friend. Cheating has an accepted place in our social narrative. It is easier to understand even as people don't condone it. It does not necessarily change who a person is, from an outsider's point of view. It is a far more accessible story of Wife A is miserable in relationship, she cheats (bad) but eventually leaves old relationship for new lover, they marry and carry on the usual monogamous life story (good). Wife B is happy in marriage but has bisexual tendencies, husband is ok with her exploring said tendencies (porn fantasy!) and Wife B finds a lovely women who she falls in love with. Husband still ok with this and they live happily ever after (with pauses for processing of course!). Wife B's narrative cannot be fit into a larger social narrative like Wife A's.
 
Maybe it would help her to read stories from the children of poly parents, in their own words. I dont have time to dig up links right now, but I've seen them before and none reported being scarred, even if they said that they didn't think poly was right for them. There's even a study that was done of poly families by a woman whose name I'm not remembering that found the same thing. You can probably find it with some googling. Sorry you're going through this!
 
Also I get why she was so supportive of your cheating friend. Cheating has an accepted place in our social narrative. [...] It is a far more accessible story of Wife A is miserable in relationship, she cheats (bad) but eventually leaves old relationship for new lover, they marry and carry on the usual monogamous life story (good).

Guilt also seems to be a big factor in the acceptance/nonacceptance decision. I'll bet that Cheating Friend flogged herself mercilessly, so the other friend didn't have to. In Other Friend's eyes, Cheating Friend's "moral compass" was pointing the right way, but she stumbled off the path.

You (franchescasc), on the other hand, didn't stumble; you tossed out the "moral compass" (at least inasmuch as they feel it applies here) of your own free will. Hence the determination to set you back on the path, so to speak. I think she believes she is being your friend, with the tough-love.

Good luck. I hope that time and (your) patience will get her to come around. I know that in my relationship, my partner has become persona non grata among some common friends because they believe I'm being taken advantage of (I'm mono). I've heard of other success stories, though, so your mileage may vary - I hope it does!
 
Maybe it would help her to read stories from the children of poly parents, in their own words. I dont have time to dig up links right now, but I've seen them before and none reported being scarred, even if they said that they didn't think poly was right for them.

My gf's kids totally accept their parents' polyamory. To them, it's just how it is, no big deal. As they see it, the biggest consequence is extra presents at Christmas.
 
Update

I have been slammed at work and haven't had much time to respond, but I've been reading responses. It's great to hear from people who have been there!

We finally got to have a really long discussion about everything. She has been basically alone in a new town for the past 2 years while her husband goes to law school. She's incredibly lonely, and while I've been totally immersed in a new job, new close friendships, etc. She definitely sees this as me replacing her. She also felt very slighted that I had kept this a secret from her for so long....she's the friend I tell everything to. Also, she felt like I was telling her now instead of before so that I could avoid her input. I assured her that NONE of that was true, I apologized for making her feel this way and not being more in tune with her needs while my life was so crazy.

But when it comes down to it, she tells me she doesn't want to talk about MD. At all. She says that she thinks I'm making a terrible mistake that is risking everything. She doesn't understand why I can't wait until my children are out of the house. Basically she sees only disaster ensuing from the whole situation, and she doesn't want to hear me complaining about drama because she thinks "Of course there's drama, it's inevitable with this". I told her I would honor her request, but that it puts a weird distance between us that has never been there before. She agreed and said maybe we're just growing apart
:(

So there it is. I've talked to her a few times on the phone about other things, although she ocassionally brings up a "poly-horror-story" that she's heard. I just put up with listening and hope she'll come out of it soon.
 
Reading what your friend said to you made me feel really angry and hurt on your behalf. Whoa, that was some harsh stuff.

However, a thought crossed my mind. Could your BFF be harboring romantic feelings for you? Maybe feelings she can't even acknowledge to herself?

'Cause it sounds like her harsh reaction is coming from a place of personal hurt.

Just my theory. I would NOT ask her about it, though. (I may be totally wrong, and it may make things more strained between you).

I think it's great that she talked to you again and that she is sounding more reasonable now.

A short and possibly irrelevant anecdote:

When I was in high school, there was a boy I had a pretty intense crush on. He was in my group of friends, and he dated three of my closest female friends (basically one after the other), inspiring me to wild jealousy combined with the hope that my turn was next. Then he suddenly came out as gay.

I was floored. The school was very LBGT-positive, I had other gay friends, I felt very supportive of gay rights issues--but I had totally not had even the slightest clue that my crush might be gay. He came out to us (his friends) in a way that was very courageous and moving for him, but I was so confused in that moment (my mind frantically questioning everything, what did it mean that he had dated my female friends but not me and then was gay, etc) that I reacted weirdly. I blurted out something stupid, then was embarrassed and tried to turn it into a joke, which made it worse.

He was very cold to me after that, even though I apologized for the foolish comment. He never hung out with me after that, and never really talked to me about it. I kept wanting to confess to him that my reaction had been because I'd had a crush on him, but I never got the courage to tell him. When we graduated, he had a party and invited all our friends but me. I was devastated.

What I'm trying to say is, give your BFF the benefit of the doubt and keep talking to her. She's got her issues, and she's struggling, and she'll miss you if your friendship deteriorates.
 
She also felt very slighted that I had kept this a secret from her for so long.

But when it comes down to it, she tells me she doesn't want to talk about MD. At all.

"I don't want you to talk about it, but I'm upset that you didn't talk about it sooner."

Yeah. That makes sense.

Sorry, I'm just being bitter on your behalf.

So there it is. I've talked to her a few times on the phone about other things, although she ocassionally brings up a "poly-horror-story" that she's heard. I just put up with listening and hope she'll come out of it soon.

Sometimes the best way to make something normal is to treat it as normal. Letting it stay taboo, this "big bad thing" that you do, only reinforces her belief that it's a big bad thing.

She doesn't want to hear about MD? Too bad. She's your friend, MD is your girlfriend, and sharing the joys of romance is a normal thing that people do with their friends. What good is a BFF if you can't call her up and tell her how awesome your date was? How would she feel if you asked her to stop talking about her husband?
 
Trying to transition

"I don't want you to talk about it, but I'm upset that you didn't talk about it sooner."

Yeah. That makes sense.

I said this exact thing to her. She says she is mad that I waited to tell her until I had it "all figured out" and didn't require her input anymore. Of course that isn't the case, but whatever. She says she's on FJ's and my children's "team", and can't get on board with MD. She just won't hear that FJ and MD are on the same "team"

@ShrodingersCat:
What good is a BFF if you can't call her up and tell her how awesome your date was?

I'm hopeful that she'll get more comfortable with this and not draw the hard line for too long. If she does, we will grow apart, and I won't consider her a BFF anymore. This was actually something she alluded to: "We're growing apart, people change".

It's just totally ridiculous to me. I can empathize with her initial reaction, but now going forward I need her to be happy for me. If she can't be, then it shows me what kind of foundation we have :(
 
Back
Top