Ari I love to hear how you are doing. There is no reason to think that all that is acceptable is poly. I tend to think in terms of wholeism. Everything is connected and makes us who we are.
Would you be willing to elaborate? I am interested to know what you mean specifically. Forgive my slowness, my brain is fried
Currently I have a raging headache that came out of no where. I am in arizona and working my ass off, but its good to be busy.
...I do love being good at what I do.
It is my first time experiencing the end of a relationship...not because we have fallen out of love, but because of reasons that can't be changed, no fault to anyone, it...just can't be a relationship. I flip between sheer rage to acceptance to what the fuck do I do next. My emotional range right now is off the chart.
In all of my feelings, I feel a deeply connected love to sourgirl. Even though it will never live to its fruition.
Its has rocked me to my core, to know that working at a relationship couldn't fix it. Lots of little things off, including my drinking... It has left me wanting more. It feels so unfinished. All the potential in the world, gone.
Same time last year, I was rocked and wrecked discovering I can love more than one. This time, I am rocked because having all the love we have can't make this work.
So, forgive angry, pissed off, sad, happy posts. I am all over the place emotionally. I held hope...now I have none. I have to learn how to make someone I love in every primary way possible...I have to make that a friendship. I did this with our ex, I learned to only have her as a friend. It seemed hard at the time, but...I didn't love her, not like this. It was puppy love and foolish. This is much deeper. So many lessons in this last 16 months...
...the friendship is very worth it to me...but fuck is it hard. Not to mention knowing she is heartbroken and hurting the same way...but neither of us can make this right. Oh and Pengrah is sad too. Compersion has an opposing equally powerful affect.
I was so pissed off at one point - I was prepared to retire the Ariakas name. To hang it up again (I used this name about 20 years ago on bbs's) and say fuck the world and start from scratch. I can't stand logging into fetlife...I can't stand lots of things right now.
I might still do it. In many ways...the name in my head is connected to us...
I am left, intermittently, not believing I can do this again. Not hand my heart to another person to hurt. Poly leaves us badly exposed...further to that, it allows us continued exposure. Monogamy is a simple way to protect the heart. Am I doomed to forever have a broken heart? Is poly a Shakespearean play in continuous loop. Next year this time, when I turn 37...will a new way to break my heart show its head. I need to find my comfort within poly, and figure out how I fit, where...and kind of start from scratch...
I need to travel, I want to go to victoria again, look around, visit friends. I...and this is selfish, really need to see poly working again. I am finding it hard to believe in. *sigh*...I have lots of vacation time coming up, so...who knows.
so thats my rant...thats my... emotional verbal diarrhea. Back to the grind. I have a few more days of work in sunny Arizona. Wish I could move here too, it is a great place to be in.