Love from a poly person isn’t worth as much?

Sept91lee

New member
Hi everyone! I’m new to the forum and poly and just looking for advice and hopefully to understand what this all means. Thanks for your help and perspective.

My boyfriend is married and poly but is only seeing his wife and myself. We’ve been together for a year and it’s been so emotionally hard on my part. I’ve never done this before and just kind of fell into it. . He’s asked me to move in with him and says he loves me. I have a lot of doubt and trouble believing him. Deep down I suspect I think that love from him isn’t worth as much because he’s poly and gives it to someone else as well. Like I’m not his person and if I’m not around, he isn’t lonely like I am because he has his wife.

Am I wrong about this?
 
Feelings are facts. So you can't be wrong about your feelings.

We can mitigate against damaging feelings and even reverse them as we graduate from jealousy to compersion.

When one parent looks at the other parent experiencing joy with the children, they don't struggle with jealousy as the others hug, giggle, and say "I love you".

They get joy out of it looking on and seeing it. We do not say our love is worth less because there is one child, then two, then three or more.

Of course he is not lonely when he is with someone else, hon. Our concern has to be you - how you struggle and what to do about it.

I am not sure about the moving in part. I keep two separate households. Is that what you mean?
 
Hello Sept91lee,

It sounds like you are the struggling mono in a mono/poly couple. Are You in Poly Hell? Here are some additional resources:

Love -- even romantic love -- is an abundant resource. Your boyfriend does not love you 50% and his wife the other 50%. He loves both of you 100% each. He can be with his wife, and still miss you at the same time. However, time and energy are scarce resources. He only has 50% of his time and energy for each of you. So if you are going to stay with this man, you are going to have to live with this scarcity. He has even less time and energy to spare if kids are involved.

I feel for you, you are in a tough situation.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I’ve never done this before and just kind of fell into it.

Well, you may have fallen into it... but I wonder if you want to keep doing it?

He’s asked me to move in with him and says he loves me. I have a lot of doubt and trouble believing him. Deep down I suspect I think that love from him isn’t worth as much because he’s poly and gives it to someone else as well. Like I’m not his person and if I’m not around, he isn’t lonely like I am because he has his wife.

If that's what you believe and want... love that is shared between 2 people only? Because that is love YOU value the most?

What are you doing in a V where you think it's not worth as much?

Maybe rather than moving in, you want to sit back and decide if you want to keep on doing this?

Esp since you fell into it rather than picking it out with enthusiam. That sounds lukewarm start and meh.

So why keep doing meh? Esp when it is emotionally hard? I don't get it.

If this just isn't your thing? It isn't. :(

Galagirl
 
Thank you all for the insight. I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or caring about stupid things.
The problem now is that I also love him. But there are thins I hate. For example, I hate the idea that as soon as his wife doesn’t want me around anymore, I’m gone. He says hat will never happen, but she has veto power. I don’t like the idea of a relationship where someone else is in control.
Never being legally married.

I feel like he is selfish for wanting me to be ok with all of this. Doesn’t he realize how much he is asking? And he doesn’t want me to see anyone besides him.
 
Thank you all for the insight. I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or caring about stupid things.
The problem now is that I also love him. But there are thins I hate. For example, I hate the idea that as soon as his wife doesn’t want me around anymore, I’m gone. He says hat will never happen, but she has veto power. I don’t like the idea of a relationship where someone else is in control.
Never being legally married.

I feel like he is selfish for wanting me to be ok with all of this. Doesn’t he realize how much he is asking? And he doesn’t want me to see anyone besides him.

You have the same structure as we do. You are what we call the mistress. I asked about what moving in together meant. Two households?

I don't know what "falling into it" means exactly. You liked him, he was married, but you went for it anyway for what reason, exactly?

We sure understand a young person wanting this set-up. But not if you want to be legally married, which seems to be the upshot.
 
Hi May December,
Thanks for your replies.
He asked me to move in with him. As in, I , move into the house he lives in with his wife.
We met online and what was supposed to be casual one night fling, became more because he kept pursuing me.
And I really didn’t expect I would be called a mistress on this forum of all places. that’s unpleasant..
 
Hi May December,
Thanks for your replies.
He asked me to move in with him. As in, I , move into the house he lives in with his wife.
We met online and what was supposed to be casual one night fling, became more because he kept pursuing me.
And I really didn’t expect I would be called a mistress on this forum of all places. that’s unpleasant..

Gosh, you sure think badly of my mistress. None of us do. Not my wife, not herself, not her family, not anyone we know. She would say that it reflects on the person looking down at her to think "mistress" is a snide label of some kind.

I encourage you to not use a pejorative connotation to something very dear to us, please. I just didn't know, I had to ask twice about what structure you were trying.

He wants you to move in with THEM. Not "him". So there is some progress in understanding you.
 
Thank you all for the insight. I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or caring about stupid things.

I don't think you wanting the things you want in life (marriage, being in a relationship with just 2 people, enjoying that kind of love best, etc) is stupid things.

I find it odd you are spending time dating a guy who cannot give you those things. What for?

We met online and what was supposed to be casual one night fling, became more because he kept pursuing me.

Even if he pursues, if all YOU wanted was a casual one night thing? You could decline the invitations for more. Say "Thanks but not thanks."

Even today you could say "I'm done. I don't want to do this any more. I enjoyed what we shared, but I ultimately want legal marriage in a 2 people relationship and this is not that."

The problem now is that I also love him.

To me "I love him" is not a reason to keep participating in an ill-fitting relationship to me. You have to be able to say "I love you, but not even for you will I stay in things that hurt me." Being in this sounds like it hurts. You don't sound like you really want this, and you don't actually sound happy here:

  • I hate the idea that as soon as his wife doesn’t want me around anymore, I’m gone.
  • He says hat will never happen, but she has veto power.
  • I don’t like the idea of a relationship where someone else is in control.
  • Never being legally married.
  • I feel like he is selfish for wanting me to be ok with all of this.
  • He doesn’t want me to see anyone besides him.

None of that sounds like "joyful yes" participation to me. How is this an awesome dating offer to you? :confused:

You sound like you eventually want to be legally married, and he cannot offer you that.

What he does offer you is...

  • being in a V that you don't esp value because to you the "best" love is between 2 people only
  • In this V, the wife has veto power an you don't like that someone else controls how this goes
  • He can date you and his wife but you cannot date anyone else but him
  • He wants you to move in
  • He wants to you be ok with all this when actually... you are NOT by the sound of it.

IME, love fades after a break up. So the "love problem" is actually solvable. You end it with him, hurt for a while, heal, and feel better. Solved.

So why are you staying here in this? You don't sound happy. :(

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl, thank you. You have a very logical way of seeing things. I know I’ll get over him if we break up. In fact I told him last month that I planned on moving to another state to be closer to family. I still plan on doing that. He was hurt by my decision and offered for me to move in with them.

I think I would stay if I thought he genuinely loved me and loved me as much as his wife, but I’m sure that’s not the case. No matter how many times he says he loves me and how good he is to me, I still don’t believe him.

As the title of my post states, I feel like love from a poly person isn’t worth as much. What I’m curious about, and the reason I started this post, was to hear others thoughts on that? Does it make sense or am I being ridiculous?
Thank you all again.
 
IMO, you're being ridiculous.

*Love* from a poly person is worth just as much as love from a mono person.

But.

*Lifestyle* with a poly person includes some compromises that mono folks don't have to consider. Like legal marriage. That's a while away from being before the legislature. Possibly not even our lifetimes.

If you want legal marriage, you'll need to start looking elsewhere.

If you want to be loved as a spouse, you've already got it.
 
I know I’ll get over him if we break up. In fact I told him last month that I planned on moving to another state to be closer to family. I still plan on doing that. He was hurt by my decision and offered for me to move in with them.

Carry on with you plans to move to be closer to your family.

His hurt is his emotional management to solve. You don't have to help him process that.

I think I would stay if I thought he genuinely loved me and loved me as much as his wife, but I’m sure that’s not the case. No matter how many times he says he loves me and how good he is to me, I still don’t believe him.

Another reason why this isn't great, and another reason to let it be over.

As the title of my post states, I feel like love from a poly person isn’t worth as much. What I’m curious about, and the reason I started this post, was to hear others thoughts on that? Does it make sense or am I being ridiculous?
Thank you all again.

If love you get from a poly person isn't worth as much to you as love you get from an exclusive partner because you happen to value exclusivity the most? I think that is fine. YOU get to choose what you value. It has makes sense for YOU not anyone else. You are the one doing the relationship. You are allowed to want what you want and have your own preferences.

So align your behavior to your wants. STOP participating in a V thing you don't like and don't really want.

Seek the exclusive relationship you want to be in instead. The people you date might not automatically be compatible but at least then you are in the right aisle at the store. Dating people who ultimately want an exclusive relationship and may be able to share that with you. This guy? Not gonna get that here with him.

Galagirl
 
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As the title of my post states, I feel like love from a poly person isn’t worth as much. What I’m curious about, and the reason I started this post, was to hear others thoughts on that? Does it make sense or am I being ridiculous?
Thank you all again.
I think it's an undue generalization, but it could very well be true in your particular relationship.
 
Re (from Sept91lee):
"He doesn't want me to see anyone besides him."

Totally unfair. He has two women, you should be allowed to have two men if that's what you want.

Re:
"As soon as his wife doesn't want me around anymore, I'm gone. He says that will never happen, but she has veto power."

Veto power is rarely a good thing. In this case it is unfair to you, it's not like you have veto power against her too, right?

Having read your more-recent posts, I will modify what I said in my first post. He does not love you as much as he loves his wife. He loves her 100%, you maybe 25%. He is exercising what we call "couple privilege." That is, the married couple has privileges that are denied to you. You are being treated more as an object than as a human being with wants, rights, and needs of your own. It is totally unacceptable for him to treat you that way.

Re (from Sept91lee):
"As the title of my post states, I feel like love from a poly person isn't worth as much. What I'm curious about, and the reason I started this thread, was to hear others' thoughts on that? Does it make sense or am I being ridiculous?"

The thing to understand here is that there's more than one way to practice poly. Poly can be practiced in a way that both partners are loved 100%, or 99% at least. Love is not a scarce resource, it can be shared fully between poly partners. Just like you can have two children, and love both of them 100% (or at least 99%). I'm not saying that romantic love is the same thing as parental love, I'm just saying that both kinds of love are abundant (not scarce). It's not like if you had two children, you would only love each child 50% so that it would add up to 100%. It's not like a pie, where if you give one person one piece, that's one less piece for the other person. It's more like a candle, you can use the same flame to light two candles and both candles will be at 100%.

So it is possible for love from a poly to be worth just as much as love from a mono. Possible, but not guaranteed. The hinge must choose to love the second partner just as much as the first. He must not objectify the second partner, as he is doing to you. If he objectifies you, and exercises couple privilege, then love from him is not worth as much. From other polys it might be worth as much, but from him it is not. Does that make sense?

As it is, he's asking a lot of you. :mad:
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Love doesn't get "split" between partners. Love is love. It's an infinite thing, regardless of whether it's shared with one other or ten or a hundred.

Do you have more than one friend? If so, is your friendship worth less because it's shared with more than one person? Same thing.

*Time* is finite. That gets split. If you equate time with love, then yeah, you're going to feel like his love isn't worth as much. But that's a fallacy. My boyfriend, with whom I don't live, loves me just as much whether he's with me or one of his other partners, or a friend, or is alone. And his love isn't "split" among me and his other partners.

If you aren't able to recognize that love isn't something that gets "split," and you genuinely feel like his love isn't worth as much, that's your perception. It's valid for you. And it means that you are probably not in a compatible relationship and therefore should end it. Otherwise, either you're going to keep struggling with this, or he's going to realize you think his love is worth less, which might be hurtful to him.

I do agree it's unfair and unreasonable for him to essentially forbid you to have other partners. You're an adult. He isn't your parent. He doesn't have the right to tell you what you can and can't do.
 
When I saw the title of your thread, I was going to respond to say, that's an unfair generalization about poly people. Of course our love isn't worth less.

But it sounds like you are in a situation where your boyfriend isn't treating you as well as he treats his wife and he's telling you that you need to accept it because that's what poly is.

Nope. That's not what poly is.
 
Why are people reaching the conclusion that he doesn't love her as much as he loves the wife?

He pursued her after what was going to be a one night stand.

He's asked her to move in with them, which is exactly how other regular board members run their poly lives - all under one roof.

The wife currently has power of veto, which is highly problematic if living together, but that's not about quantifying his love for either of them. It may have been the only way that the wife could have started opening their marriage, and by now doesn't need that anymore.

He also wants a closed V. Only problematic if Sept91lee *wants* to date other people, but could be just as happy in a more serial monogamy arrangement (i.e. leaving this guy if/when someone else comes along who is more marriagable).

What if you, Sept91lee, are the one who doesn't love this guy as much as he loves you? After all, you planned to move away and *then* told him about it. He loves you so much that he wants to offer an alternative to that... you cohabiting with them.
 
Evie said:
Why are people reaching the conclusion that he doesn't love her as much as he loves the wife?

I don't know how he feels about her.

I am seeing that this V is not working for Sept91lee. Doesn't feel loved enough, doesn't like the veto thing, eventually wants marriage and guy doesn't want them to date anyone but him and he's married already. It just doesn't sound compatible.

Evie said:
After all, you planned to move away and *then* told him about it. He loves you so much that he wants to offer an alternative to that... you cohabiting with them.

Him making the offer doesn't mean OP HAS to take it. They are free to say "Thanks, but no thanks." Esp because...

Sept91Lee said:
I think I would stay if I thought he genuinely loved me and loved me as much as his wife, but I’m sure that’s not the case. No matter how many times he says he loves me and how good he is to me, I still don’t believe him

Love alone is not enough to keep a thing going.

Galagirl
 
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IMO, you're being ridiculous.

*Love* from a poly person is worth just as much as love from a mono person.

I take your point that love and lifestyle are two different things. If your point is that the love a poly person feels is just as deep and real, I'll agree that's true for some. I absolutely believe Byron loved me more than he's ever loved anyone.

But the question is what is that love worth.

Define worth.

I can think of many situations where a person may genuinely love...but what is that love worth? A woman who deeply, genuinely loves her child but is afraid to stand up to the man abusing that child. Someone who deeply cares for their widowed sister...but never goes over to see how she's doing?


Some would say love is a verb, and the fact is, the love-in-action that a poly person has to offer is by definition limited by the fact that they are obligated to other people.


My boyfriend is married and poly but is only seeing his wife and myself. We’ve been together for a year and it’s been so emotionally hard on my part. I’ve never done this before and just kind of fell into it. . He’s asked me to move in with him and says he loves me. I have a lot of doubt and trouble believing him. Deep down I suspect I think that love from him isn’t worth as much because he’s poly and gives it to someone else as well. Like I’m not his person and if I’m not around, he isn’t lonely like I am because he has his wife.

Am I wrong about this?

I don't think you're wrong at all. See above. His feelings may be deep and genuine. But he's limited in what he's able or willing to give you.

A 'love' that says 'but I'll dump you if my wife tells me to' isn't worth much. It's a 'love' that leaves you in perpetual anxiety on top of feeling (no doubt) that you have to kowtow to and please his wife at all times.

I left my married poly boyfriend for exactly this reason. His wife wanted to play games (silent veto) and as much as I believe even now that he quite likely loved me more than he loved her, I also know he was committed to maintaining the image, staying in the marriage, and more and his response was to tell me I was imagining things.

He genuinely loved me...but in the end, what was that worth when it was a love that expected me to give and give and give, without getting as much in return, and a love that finally expected me to play head games with myself and deny the very reality I was watching play out in real time?

I would be happy to talk more here or by pm. I have time limitations right now.
 
Galagirl, thank you. You have a very logical way of seeing things. I know I’ll get over him if we break up. In fact I told him last month that I planned on moving to another state to be closer to family. I still plan on doing that. He was hurt by my decision and offered for me to move in with them.

I think I would stay if I thought he genuinely loved me and loved me as much as his wife, but I’m sure that’s not the case. No matter how many times he says he loves me and how good he is to me, I still don’t believe him.

As the title of my post states, I feel like love from a poly person isn’t worth as much. What I’m curious about, and the reason I started this post, was to hear others thoughts on that? Does it make sense or am I being ridiculous?
Thank you all again.

I think to make a general statement like that is ridiculous. You can only determine if it's the truth for a particular person. In other words, does his actions indicate he doesn't love you? Or are you just assuming something because he's poly?

As wrong as the general statement is, it is quite common among mono inclined people. Based on my experience, I would not pursue a relationship with a woman who said that to me. Or, maybe more accurately, would not consider it a long term relationship.

Likewise, dating someone whose partner has veto power would be a huge red flag for me.

I think you are at the spot where you should tell him you can't take the relationship too seriously. Then the two of you can decide how to proceed.
 
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