Vee Thoughts and Advice Requested...

DTSJ

New member
Hello! My wife and I are new to polyamory and have been married about 20 years. I have always felt a draw to it, mostly because I cannot imagine there not being enough love to go around and I don't particularly believe that we are destined to o lunes ever love one person. We discussed the possibility and my wife has started to see someone. It's been about 6 months and overall things are going well.

She is not fully convinced that this is for her. She has said that if her new relationship ends, she doesn't think she will do it again. She is in love with him, has been so much happier and fulfilled, and things between her and I have been better than ever. I am not seeing anyone and do not currently have plans to.

Her new partner is younger and a bit immature, but understands the situation. I'm curious if anyone has had a similar experience, being I'm a Vee but not the pivot, with the Vee not being completely sold out to the idea?

Any risks, pitfalls, potential issues? Thanks!!
 
6 months in I'd imagine you're through the hardest parts that people usually arrive here for.

So, what's actually up? It's hard to answer generalities. I mean, if this relationship your wife is in is alright, but if it ends she's unlikely to have another... then what's going on right now that brought you here?
 
Hi Evie!

I think my biggest concern is that my wife is more monogamous, but just happens to be with two people. I'm a believer in polyamory, but am only involved with her. Is it typical for a partner that isn't necessarily sold out to the idea to be the active partner I'm a relationship, when the partner that believes in the lifestyle is not?

Her new relationship has been very beneficial for her in a number of ways, which she recognizes. We did have a rough few months as things progressed, but I believe I am through the worst of it. Given our situation specifically, I'm hoping to hear from others that have navigated the newness while the pivot is trying to figure out if the lifestyle is truly for her or not.

I see her new relationship growing, perhaps more strongly than she sees it. Maybe she doesn't want to admit that? While we have a basic agreement and boundaries, there aren't any rules being enforced on her and her partner, believing they will be respectful and cherish one another and our family. My hope is that by putting in the work, the experience will be good for everyone, even if we have to work through challenges.

The imbalance I feel is in my understanding of their relationship as opposed to what she often says it is. I feel she is much deeper into it than she admitS. Perhaps I am incorrect? I just want her to be able and willing to be fully honest about it, so we can adequatley address issues as they arise. Thoughts?
 
OK, I'm hearing you, I think.

I'm kinda the same as your wife. I won't gush about my extra marital partners to my husband. I didn't tell Adam (hubby) all the intricacies of the progression of my relationships with either my ex or Lance. I've alluded to issues and Adam has known when I broke up with ex, and when I've had insecurities over Lance (since it's all LDR right now.)

But Adam was even more private than me! He didn't share very much at all about when he was dating C.

Some people just aren't huge on sharing. Some would say this makes them good hinges as they don't let one relationship spill into the other.

Adam is more monogamous than me, he dated C but since they broke up there hasn't been anyone else (for more than one date). And he was polysaturated at 2 relationships.

Basically, don't worry about your wife's sharing (or lack of) because she'll be managing herself in her own way. Have faith that she'll come to you if anything is too big for her to manage (and you'll be a safe, supportive person when she does).
 
Hello DTSJ,

You do have a somewhat unusual situation, in that you are the one who believes in polyamory, and yet it is your wife who is in a relationship. Usually it's the other way around. You do need your wife to be honest about how deep she is into this relationship, otherwise you will not be able to adequately address issues as they arise. However there is an upside. If you were the (only) one with a relationship, your wife might be prone to jealousy as she does not believe in poly. Whereas when she is the one with the relationship, your belief in poly helps sustain you. Does that make sense?

You should read up on poly as much as you can, yes even in this forum which is actually quite a good source of knowledge (and you can always post questions here), also More than Two is a helpful website. Perhaps you and your wife could do some reading together. I think that so far you are doing all the right things, and I just encourage you to keep us updated here as your situation evolves. So that we may give you up-to-date thoughts and advice. In the meantime, the most important thing you can do is communicate with your wife.

Hopefully the posts here have been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You don't need to "believe in" poly. You only need to practice it. It's not like believing in Jesus as your personal savior.

Just a nitpick. ;)

Your wife is 6 months in... she's still in that NRE phase. Maybe she's in love, maybe she's in like, maybe it's just infatuation and good new person sex.

It's wise, I think, to be cautious in the first couple years of a relationship. It takes that long, really, to get to know someone properly, to shuck the rose colored glasses. Sometimes, often even, people who seem initially compatible are not long term compatible.

Why do you think you have no plans to date, if you like the idea of polyamory? Maybe if you were busy dating, you'd be less critical of how your wife is operating, thinking, feeling, about her relationship with new guy.
 
I have always felt a draw to it, mostly because I cannot imagine there not being enough love to go around and I don't particularly believe that we are destined to o lunes ever love one person.

Well, all of us practice polyamory.

It seems you are experimenting. Without having had an end point in mind exactly. Like whether you want a relationship too.

You seem to feel your wife is discreet about her other companion. It's understandable.

I am sort of in your wife's position. My wife pushed me into having a mistress.

The questions she directs my way might be of intense sexual interest to her, and it might be an ambush: she's going to rake me over the coals for it.

Do you like kissing her, lol.

Your wife just might not like sharing. Why is it a need of yours? Do you worry she is lying to you?
 
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