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Old 07-15-2020, 09:21 PM
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BrokenArrow BrokenArrow is offline
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Default Mono Couple becomes Poly Couple

Figured it was time to move my rambling away from the introductions page. My stuff shouldn't keep updating over new peoples threads. I worry it comes off as selfish and unwelcoming.

So here I am in the "Life stories and blogs" section.

My story before this can be found under "Mono Husband trying to be understanding".
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142712

Don't know if that link will work but it's worth a try.
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Old 07-16-2020, 12:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenArrow View Post
Figured it was time to move my rambling away from the introductions page. My stuff shouldn't keep updating over new peoples threads. I worry it comes off as selfish and unwelcoming.

So here I am in the "Life stories and blogs" section.

My story before this can be found under "Mono Husband trying to be understanding".
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142712

Don't know if that link will work but it's worth a try.
Yep, it works.

Just so you know, this blog section is for personal venting and reporting. Generally people don't comment here unless you invite comments. If you come up against a specific issue and definitely want feedback/advice, you can post in the Poly Relationships section.
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  #3  
Old 07-16-2020, 01:19 AM
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So Spitfire and I had a good talk this morning. One of the guys she is talking to asked if she would be his girlfriend. She told him that she'd have to talk to me about it and see how I felt. She even warned him that I would feel it's premature and irrational (they haven't even met in person yet). She was right. That was my exact first impression, but surprisingly I found it didn't really bother me. That guy (I'll think of a name for him eventually but for now we'll call him #2) is also new to this and I feel like he and I are going through some similar shit. Obviously not the same as he's not bi and we're different people, but we do have a lot in common.

I had no problem with him calling Spitfire his girlfriend. I even had a twinge of "good for them" going on. I'm a little jealous I don't have a boyfriend myself but all things considered I'm pretty proud of my progress here.

I asked her how things are going with #1(not to be confused with CMDR Will Riker(OMG I could give them all Star Trek names!!! lol More on that later...)) and she said things are going great. They bond on a intellectual level and have great chats. #1 and his wife seem to be the gender swapped personalities of Spitfire and I. I get a real kick out of that.

We talked more about #2. She's been trying for the last three or so days to schedule a date with him (something I realized I was cool with after going on a date with a guy myself) and finally settled on a day. I've already told her I'd be cool with holding hands and hugging but it occurred to me that I have no problem with them kissing on the cheek.

Now I know that sounds really prude and selfish of me, but the thought of her coming home and kissing me with the lips that she just used to kiss another man makes my heart sink into my stomach and twist. I'm just not ready for that yet but I'm working on it.

I don't know about you but I feel like I've made a lot of progress and I'm super proud of myself. That's my thoughts for the day.
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Old 07-16-2020, 02:07 AM
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Oh please do give them all Star Trek names
Following your journey and have fingers crossed for you!
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Old 07-16-2020, 07:17 AM
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Magdlyn:
Thanks for dropping by! I've been wandering all over this site, to include to relationships corner. There's a lot to take in. Sadly I didn't find anything I felt pertained to me on the first page but the future is vast and mostly unknowable. It's good to have a place to go like that

Evie:
I was actually reading through other threads in this section and I read some of your thread today. Only made it to the 3rd page but I thought it was cool that you kept referring to your partners energy and the energy work you do with them. It's been an interesting read so far. Hope you've enjoyed what you've followed so far and thanks for crossing your fingers for me!
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Old 07-16-2020, 02:30 PM
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Holding hands, hugging, kissing.... Are you in a country with no Covid-19?
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Pixi (poly, F, 43) my partner since January 2009, cohabiting
"Maestro" (mono, M, 39), Pixi's bf since April 2013, co-primary
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  #7  
Old 07-16-2020, 03:35 PM
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Quote:
Holding hands, hugging, kissing.... Are you in a country with no Covid-19?
I don't think there is a country without COVID 19 right now. Luckily we live in a county with a low number of cases and we all work in fairly safe environments. We've all agreed it seems like a very low risk situation. I'll let you know if we catch the virus. At least that way this could be a good warning example for others.
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Old 07-17-2020, 08:28 PM
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So Spitfire's on her date today and I'm home early from work. An interesting thing happened while we were talking last night. She told me she's ready for me to start talking to women. Just talking and making friends for now. She told me she feels incredibly guilty about putting that boundary on me and limiting my dating pool.

I could tell from her posture and tone of voice that she's still not that comfortable with it. She remarked that she won't really know how she feels about it or how to move forward until we test the waters. I'm still going to hold off a bit though and give her a chance to let her decision sink in.

I'm excited about the possibilities that opens up! I'm also worried what all that might mean.

What I mean is, I was terrible at dating before Spitfire came along. I'm friendly but a little shy. I get real nervous and awkward. I also am terrible at deciphering the line between friendly and flirty. I've been accused of flirting on many occasions where I thought I was just being warm and friendly. As such I don't really recognize when I'm being flirted with because I just see it as friendliness. And the thought of making an unwanted advance that makes someone feel uncomfortable is appalling to me.

This is why I have a hard time. I'm sure a bunch of guys out there feel the same way. I have time to figure it out, though. I shouldn't rush into things just because I can. Historically that's worked out terrible for me.

Honestly, I'd be more excited to find a guy than a lady. It's been a long time since I've gotten to satisfy that side of myself. Not just sexually either. There's something very satisfying about romantic intimacy with another man that's different than a woman. It's a whole different vibe.

That begs another question. How does one go out dating when you're poly? I refuse to take off my ring because that seems deceitful, but I don't think I'd want to pursue someone who would see the ring and be like "I don't give a shit. He can cheat with me." Spitfire made a good point. She said I'm just psyching myself out. You're going to make friends first with people and that'll give you a good idea of who they are.

I'm worried about Spitfire. This is new to her too and I know the excitement and nerves are sending her into a bit of an emotional overload. I want to get the house looking nice before she gets back so she feels comfortable and not obligated to do anything. She can just kick back and relax some more. In fact, I think I'm going to go make the bed now before I go pick up the kids.
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Old 07-22-2020, 12:11 AM
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So ups and downs.

Spitfire went on her date with #2 (who shall henceforth be known as Bashir). They had a real good time together but I was right. The emotional overload gave her quite a few issues. I'm grateful Bashir was there for her.

Apparently the dude is very respectful of my feelings and my pace. I guess he's kind of new to this too. I find myself really liking him and actually pleased he's dating Spitfire.

Things got a little rocky after. Spitfire came home tired from all the overload and driving. We talked. She told me about the date, but I didn't want to pry too much. I'm super curious about everything now. I don't want to invade her privacy but she's doing way better than I am at dating so I want to know what to expect. That's pretty weird I guess but she's cool with it.

It also puts me at ease. I feel a hell of a lot cooler with her seeing this guy when she tells me he's ok and doesn't give her any red flags or bad vibes. Maybe I'm too protective of her but I have to protect the people I love.

So I started talking to two people over the weekend, a dude and a woman. The problem is, though I have the go ahead from Spitfire, it's still eating at her that I'm talking to a woman. I offered to stop but she basically told me that's not fair. She's amazing. She doesn't want to know anything but she thinks knowing things might help her deal like it helped me. So... I tell her little basic things from time to time.

The problem is that this is coinciding with the time after her first date. I want to get close with her and reconnect and she wants time alone to process her feelings about this. I felt like we were drifting apart.

It all came to a head the other night. I thought that talking about her feelings and issues might help. I offered to just sit there and shutup while she vented at me. I do not recommend doing that! I was not as secure as I thought I was. It hurt the shit out of my feelings and I snapped back.

We never yell, but that was the first time we yelled at each other in years. It was only for a second but it happened and I felt terrible about it. I gave her some peace and quiet for a bit but eventually we talked and snuggled.

The next day we spent the whole night talking and working on our issues from the night before. It was so good. I finally felt like we reconnected and made progress on both sides. I think I can handle the dude kissing her. She told me that if I'm ready to agree to kissing then I'd better be ready to agree to making out and maybe a little light groping. She feels that all these micro concessions are too controlling and I think she's absolutely right.

She's totally cool with giving me more time to think it over, but the more I think about it the more cool I am with the whole thing. Like I said, I like Bashir and even have a bit of respect for the guy. Spitfire and I get the feeling that once these first relationships are established and we're not so new at this, that things will go a lot smoother. I fucking love her.

Today has been a great day and I attribute it 100% to our talk. She's been in a better mood which puts me in a better mood. I feel connected to her again and not shut out. She was able to address the shit that's been eating at her and share some of her load with me. I know we still have things to work through but I feel like we took a huge step forward.

So about the two people I started talking to...

It feels good to talk to people again. Haven't really talked to anyone since I kind of friendzoned the first guy. I was starting to get a little down on myself.

The woman seems really cool. Very active and very smart. I do appreciate the hell out of talking with someone who is as/more intelligent than myself. Everyone is smart in their own way, but I find myself very attracted to book smarts. I'm not sure if she's that into me so it may kind of peter out, but I'm enjoying giving it a shot.

The guy I've been talking to seems really cool. He and I have a lot in common. It's a little weird though because when I brought him up to Spitfire it turns out that he's already talked to her. She's not really into it considering that she's focusing her attention on the two guys she likes. I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me doesn't care, but another part of me is worried he's not really into me and just into her. That's a shitty dark alley of thought to walk down. More than likely my imagination is getting the best of me again so I need to just chill out and let shit happen as it happens.

And that's it. That's what I've been up to.
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  #10  
Old 07-23-2020, 12:35 AM
icesong icesong is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenArrow View Post
That begs another question. How does one go out dating when you're poly? I refuse to take off my ring because that seems deceitful, but I don't think I'd want to pursue someone who would see the ring and be like "I don't give a shit. He can cheat with me."
Honestly, I've met _everyone_ I've poly-dated online, even those I actually already know in real life (my current would-be-more-of-an-entanglement-if-not-for-Plague person is someone I knew in high school and have kept in vague touch with, but we weren't close - then we ran into each other on OKCupid and started an amusing "are we friends catching up or are these dates?' period. Yes, they were dates. )

And honestly the people who would cheat with you are probably the ones who would be weirded out and run away from someone who was openly poly - I've seen it happen. So as long as you talk about it fairly upfront (I have it on my dating profile, if you met someone in person first maybe the first time you talk after that), I think you'll be fine.
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