Warning: I'm long-winded and green
About 5 months ago I 'accidentally' ended up in a relationship with a friend of mine. I have been very good friends with him and his wife since they've been together and I knew them both separately before they dated (over 15 years now).
I say accidentally because originally we were talking about a friends with benefits scenario after they decided on poly. As I'm bi we even discussed all three. The poly decision was made because his wife (to reiterate my friend) recently discovered she's gay. They still love each other and they have a child together but they can't be what they need for each other sexually, though sexual activity is still part of the relationship.
Once he and I started spending time alone together, deeper feelings developed rather quickly. I also want to be clear that neither of us thought about each other this way before they were poly. We were both nervous about new partners because he has been with the same woman for over a decade and I recently lost a lot of weight. We felt safe testing the waters with a friend. Then we went and fell in love.
All of this is very open. They each have therapists and they go for couples sessions as well. It was clear that open and honest communication for all of us is very important.
So like I said, this love business was an accident, but it happened and now I'm his girlfriend. His wife has a girlfriend now too and we all get along well.
The issue that is making me seek out help is my own issues with jealousy but also a recent anxiety spike due to some boundaries that we set being breached. To be clear, I dont like that I get jealous at all. I've always loved both of them, and their relationship, before I found out about all their problems behind the scenes. Her coming out and them becoming poly has strengthened them and I'm really happy for that, but now with my involvement there have been some issues for me.
I too am seeking a therapist and have an assessment soon, which I think will be great, but I wanted some insight in the meantime.
So their deep connection isnt the source of my jealousy. While I dont have another relationship, I have a best friend (also friends with them) that I have a similar connection with and I completely understand. What is hard for me is when they are sexually active. Its not very often, especially compared to how often they are with their girlfriends, but it is more than before they became poly. It's hard for me to understand how discovering she was gay made them have hetero sex more often. He says it's about connection, but I can only sympathize and not empathize. He is the only person I've ever slept with that I had a deep connection to.
If this was the only issue i think i would feel more okay, but it became apparent early on that it was more when they had sex that was an issue for me and how i found out.
The first time they had sex after we started dating, i found out from his wife while out three of our girlfriends for his wife's birthday. It had been the night before and explained his 45 minute disappearance in our text conversation.
It was then we set up a rule that if he is going to disappear from talking to me to have sex or sexual activity with her that he should tell me so I dont get shocked later. He agreed and it ended up becoming him telling me before every time they were sexual. Many of these times ended up being earlier in the day when he and I had plans. I realized that was a problem for me. It made me feel like 'sloppy seconds' in the same day and made it more likely that he wouldn't be able to have sex with me that day, or at least not to completion.
I talked to him about this and he agreed. So did his wife. Essentially the rule became if we had a date planned that day he wouldnt be sexual with her as well.
Then about a month ago, through a conversation I wanted to have about the rules of one night stands it came out that he didnt like the 'tell me before' rule because it would interrupt the organic nature of their sex. I agreed and explained my concern had been that it kept happening at times that hurt me (not breaches yet just extensions of the same feelings that led to the rule) but since I never stopped them, finding out after shouldnt matter.
The new boundaries are still no same day, tell me after at any point before I might hear it from her and if they have a pre scheduled date night, he doesnt have to tell me at all, I'll just assume.
Within a week after setting up the new rules, he was sexual with her in the morning before work when we had a date scheduled. He did tell me right away and clarified it wasnt sex but mutual matsterbation. To me there isnt a distinction there simply because it is sexual activity with another person. I told him this and we have had a few conversations dealing with the fact that I'm very hurt. He agrees with my boundary because he understands that he would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. He admits he was wrong and he should have known that just because it wasnt intercourse doesnt mean it wasn't a breach.
I have forgiven him (and her though she and I have yet to talk about it, she knew the boundary too and is my friend not just his wife to me) but my anxiety since then has been through the roof. If we have a good night, I become terrified he will be sexual with her the next morning. It wouldnt even be a breach but it would hurt so soon. We had one night where he didnt finish and I spent two days in a panic waiting for the message that they had been sexual.
At this point its not even another breach I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of their sexual activity in general and I genuinely feel like I was improving in that area before this. It gave me some trust issues not just with his actions but his feelings. It had also made me beyond jealous of them being sexual. I know they have since then, but date nights only and even that has become hard for me to think about.
I would say the sexual activity between them is at most 10% of what is between us. I know I shouldnt feel so threatened especially because they have been together all this time. I've known that and was happy when they chose poly rather than divorce. I cant pinpoint what I'm so afraid of. They are both more connected to their girlfriends (especially physically) at this point than each other but I go in these crazy loops, sure they're having sex or will any minute, even at times that wouldnt go against what I've asked.
I love him. I love us. And I love when all four of us hang out. I dont want to walk away from this, but I dont want to live in this anxiety either. So much of what I've read about poly and jealousy talks about the core marriage that recently opened. I'm looking for advice for the other side.
Thanks to anyone who made it through all that.
About 5 months ago I 'accidentally' ended up in a relationship with a friend of mine. I have been very good friends with him and his wife since they've been together and I knew them both separately before they dated (over 15 years now).
I say accidentally because originally we were talking about a friends with benefits scenario after they decided on poly. As I'm bi we even discussed all three. The poly decision was made because his wife (to reiterate my friend) recently discovered she's gay. They still love each other and they have a child together but they can't be what they need for each other sexually, though sexual activity is still part of the relationship.
Once he and I started spending time alone together, deeper feelings developed rather quickly. I also want to be clear that neither of us thought about each other this way before they were poly. We were both nervous about new partners because he has been with the same woman for over a decade and I recently lost a lot of weight. We felt safe testing the waters with a friend. Then we went and fell in love.
All of this is very open. They each have therapists and they go for couples sessions as well. It was clear that open and honest communication for all of us is very important.
So like I said, this love business was an accident, but it happened and now I'm his girlfriend. His wife has a girlfriend now too and we all get along well.
The issue that is making me seek out help is my own issues with jealousy but also a recent anxiety spike due to some boundaries that we set being breached. To be clear, I dont like that I get jealous at all. I've always loved both of them, and their relationship, before I found out about all their problems behind the scenes. Her coming out and them becoming poly has strengthened them and I'm really happy for that, but now with my involvement there have been some issues for me.
I too am seeking a therapist and have an assessment soon, which I think will be great, but I wanted some insight in the meantime.
So their deep connection isnt the source of my jealousy. While I dont have another relationship, I have a best friend (also friends with them) that I have a similar connection with and I completely understand. What is hard for me is when they are sexually active. Its not very often, especially compared to how often they are with their girlfriends, but it is more than before they became poly. It's hard for me to understand how discovering she was gay made them have hetero sex more often. He says it's about connection, but I can only sympathize and not empathize. He is the only person I've ever slept with that I had a deep connection to.
If this was the only issue i think i would feel more okay, but it became apparent early on that it was more when they had sex that was an issue for me and how i found out.
The first time they had sex after we started dating, i found out from his wife while out three of our girlfriends for his wife's birthday. It had been the night before and explained his 45 minute disappearance in our text conversation.
It was then we set up a rule that if he is going to disappear from talking to me to have sex or sexual activity with her that he should tell me so I dont get shocked later. He agreed and it ended up becoming him telling me before every time they were sexual. Many of these times ended up being earlier in the day when he and I had plans. I realized that was a problem for me. It made me feel like 'sloppy seconds' in the same day and made it more likely that he wouldn't be able to have sex with me that day, or at least not to completion.
I talked to him about this and he agreed. So did his wife. Essentially the rule became if we had a date planned that day he wouldnt be sexual with her as well.
Then about a month ago, through a conversation I wanted to have about the rules of one night stands it came out that he didnt like the 'tell me before' rule because it would interrupt the organic nature of their sex. I agreed and explained my concern had been that it kept happening at times that hurt me (not breaches yet just extensions of the same feelings that led to the rule) but since I never stopped them, finding out after shouldnt matter.
The new boundaries are still no same day, tell me after at any point before I might hear it from her and if they have a pre scheduled date night, he doesnt have to tell me at all, I'll just assume.
Within a week after setting up the new rules, he was sexual with her in the morning before work when we had a date scheduled. He did tell me right away and clarified it wasnt sex but mutual matsterbation. To me there isnt a distinction there simply because it is sexual activity with another person. I told him this and we have had a few conversations dealing with the fact that I'm very hurt. He agrees with my boundary because he understands that he would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. He admits he was wrong and he should have known that just because it wasnt intercourse doesnt mean it wasn't a breach.
I have forgiven him (and her though she and I have yet to talk about it, she knew the boundary too and is my friend not just his wife to me) but my anxiety since then has been through the roof. If we have a good night, I become terrified he will be sexual with her the next morning. It wouldnt even be a breach but it would hurt so soon. We had one night where he didnt finish and I spent two days in a panic waiting for the message that they had been sexual.
At this point its not even another breach I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of their sexual activity in general and I genuinely feel like I was improving in that area before this. It gave me some trust issues not just with his actions but his feelings. It had also made me beyond jealous of them being sexual. I know they have since then, but date nights only and even that has become hard for me to think about.
I would say the sexual activity between them is at most 10% of what is between us. I know I shouldnt feel so threatened especially because they have been together all this time. I've known that and was happy when they chose poly rather than divorce. I cant pinpoint what I'm so afraid of. They are both more connected to their girlfriends (especially physically) at this point than each other but I go in these crazy loops, sure they're having sex or will any minute, even at times that wouldnt go against what I've asked.
I love him. I love us. And I love when all four of us hang out. I dont want to walk away from this, but I dont want to live in this anxiety either. So much of what I've read about poly and jealousy talks about the core marriage that recently opened. I'm looking for advice for the other side.
Thanks to anyone who made it through all that.