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The hardest part is that the person I want to go to for comfort and to talk to about my situation is the person on the other side of the situation. I feel like I'm going to lose my best friend and I can't do anything to stop it. The pain is unbearable
 
Some time ago you mentioned that you had agreements on how to communicate so that you each could handle things in a healthy way. Were you both keeping them in mind?

It sounds as though you both were perhaps worn out and easily triggered the other night? My husband and I have to try to remember we are not to argue when tired. Unfortunately it sounds as though there are things in Wolf's life that cause pain between you so triggers may be hard to avoid.

It seems as though you might need the rule of Support In, Kvetch Out which means provide positive support to people in the middle of a problem and save the complaints for someone who is further from the problem. If your problem is with a partner you should communicate on a problem solving level and save the complaining and gnashing of teeth for some friend or relation who is not involved.

I hope things work out today for you.

Leetah
 
Thanks for your replies. I'm just trying to get through the rest of today without losing it too much. I hope that we can work something out but I feel like his mind is already made up and that's that. I don't really know though because I haven't talked to him in 2 days.

I appreciate the support
 
Our talk went ok. We've decided not to break up but we are starting over. We really didn't build a solid foundation of friendship and communication in the beginning of our relationship and so now we are going to do that.

Sex is off the table for now (well barely hanging on to the side of the table) unless we both decide it's something we want. Quite frankly, it will be when he decides he's ready for it because it's something that I still want. But if he's not comfortable with it then I'll just have to wait.

We are going to build a friendship and then see where things go. The aim is to get back to a place of trust and connection.

Obviously we have to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively. This is a thing we are and have been actively working on. Both of us have work to do but I'm optimistic that we can build something solid if we learn to trust each other.
 
Glad to hear there's still some interest in working on the relationship for both of you. I'm sorry that you've been having a rough time... and hope that this glimmer of hope sees you through to something better.

Hugz
 
Thanks for the message, I've been thinking about you recently. How are you doing?
 
I'm trying to figure out how we rebuild trust with each other. I really don't know. I am seeing Wolf today and I know that we will talk about things (as if that is a surprise). I want to talk to him about being open and honest with me. Which is something he revealed to me that he wasn't being. After taking me to task about my breach of trust I felt so betrayed.

So now I'm just trying to figure out how do we put this behind us and work mindfully toward rebuilding our relationship. I know it will involve a lot of communication, more than we were engaging in before. I also feel that it will involve trying to put the hurt aside and attempting to just trust again. I just hope he's willing to try.

I'm afraid that he wants to hold on to his blame and not work on this. I'm afraid that he only agreed to try again because he didn't like hurting me and that he's not really committed to doing this. We both have a lot of stuff to work on and to start it off from a standpoint of feeling like your partner blames you for everything is really hard and not at all sustainable. I guess I just need to tell him that I feel this way.
 
I guess I just need to tell him that I feel this way.
I think that would probably be the only way to address the issues in order to resolve and get past them. I mean, if you can't discuss your fears with him, which are a direct result of things that happened between you, what would be the point of getting back together?
 
These days I'm trying really hard not to feel like a huge failure. While Wolf and I agreed we are trying to make things work, he has been really stressed out at work. He had a big presentation to do at a conference in Chicago. He said that he really didn't have time or head space to think about us. He says that he hopes to come home with a clearer head. He's kind of of out of communication because he's in a whole other country and is relying on WiFi for keeping in touch.

So I've been actively trying to put my past hurts behind me. Really working on thinking about things that hurt when they come up and distancing myself from them and examining the why's and how's. I've been working with a counselor to really help me through right now.

Because of his stress at work, Wolf has not been really thinking about making changes in our relationship. I'm a little frustrated because I feel like I'm doing all kinds of work and he's just not. I'm trying really hard to give him time and not bring stuff up while he's away (he'll be back late Saturday, but I don't know when I'll see him). I'm trying to really send messages of love and just filling him in on the day to day but it's hard. I feel so insecure about where I stand with him right now. I'm so worried that he's going to come back after this trip and immediately spilt up with me. I agreed to give him time and I'm really trying but I feel so lonely, sad and vulnerable right now. I don't want to be a downer but I also don't want to feel so scared all the time. I really don't know how to bring up how I'm feeling with out thinking that he's getting irritated with me about always being negative 😢
 
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel secure anymore. I just feel like I'm being annoying if I send a text to Wolf. But I am feeling a lack of support from him. I'm trying really hard to be positive. It's not easy when I feel like I have no connection at all. He's just someone who I hang out with a couple times a week. I do love him and feel the connection when we are together but I am not getting the assurances I need when we're not together. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have point blank asked for what I want/need to feel love when we aren't together and it's like he doesn't want to give that. I've asked for affirmations. I'm not expecting them every second but once a day would be nice, one a week would be nice. We used to tell each other that we loved one another every day and now I'm lucky if I hear/see it once a week and usually it's an "I love you too".

Wolf told me that he didn't know how to make me feel loved. When I told him how, with affirmations of love, he told me that was too hard for him to do right now. I am just so discouraged. He won't talk about our issues, I feel like I'm not able to bring anything up because he goes into a funk and gets upset and then I end up feeling guilty for ruining things. I don't think that he wants things to work between us but feels guilty that he agreed to give us a chance and now has to look like he's trying.

When we are together, all these insecurities disappear. He's loving, attentive, interested, tells me he loves me, kisses me passionately (no sex yet though which is a whole other topic). I feel great while I'm with him and the next day but then I get no loving language from him and the insecurities start to creep in. I just don't know how to bring this up without it feeling like a demand. But at this point I need this to carry on. I need to feel like this person actually wants to spend time with me, loves me, cherishes the person I am .

I feel like such a huge failure, like I can't do this relationship right. I feel like everything I do is just digging an even bigger hole.

I'm going to give this till the end of the month and if things don't start progressing then I'm going to have to have that difficult decision to make.

I know this post it's rambley and probably a bit incoherent. If anyone has questions or advice for me I'd welcome it.
 
Hi assets,
I am sorry you struggle so hard. I don't know if my thoughts are worth anything here, but I get just wanting to hear any thoughts, so I'll give it a try.

You have a plan - you give it a fair try until the end of month and then, if you see no improvement, you leave. Sounds fair.

Has Wolf already cleared out his stress at work at least a little?
You say you are really trying. You've been doing hard work. You don't want to place demands, but you are not sure if he's trying at all. It feels hard to him to tell you that he loves you.
I guess in that case, I would be turning it around. Without demanding specifics, you could be asking: What would YOU like to do about us? Do you see a path to rebuild trust? Perhaps he has some good ideas himself. And you will see what effort he does already put in and what effort he's willing to try.

The sad thing is, if you're both hurt, you can't really soothe each others pain :( Can you think of other ways to get just a little relief for yourself besides asking him?

When we are together, all these insecurities disappear. He's loving, attentive, interested, tells me he loves me, kisses me passionately (no sex yet though which is a whole other topic). I feel great while I'm with him and the next day but then I get no loving language from him...
Frankly, I don't understand this dichotomy. Are you saying you are both just pretending a perfect world when together? If that brings you joy, yes, why not, but there should be a way to talk about what each of you feels. Time to chill and time to problem solve. Your insecurity seem to be caused much by that "I don't know where I stand with him" thing. If he could just admit to you what he hesitates about - wouldn't that help?
 
On Sunday I was out with friends all day. Wolf was busy at a sci-fi/fantasy convention all weekend and so there was limited contact between us. I didn't hear from him till the evening on Sunday. It was hard for me not to hear from him because normally we are in contact all day. I had been struggling with that all day. Add a couple of drinks and I got overwhelmed with feeling the feels. His message to me was pretty much that he was done for the weekend and didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone. It was the type of message you'd send to an acquaintance, not someone you say that you love and haven't really spoken to all weekend. I couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of feeling like my feelings didn't really matter to him.

We talked on the phone. I told him that I couldn't continue on like we were going. I couldn't maintain a connection with him if I was getting no loving language from him at all between the times that I was seeing him. He told me that this was so hard for him and that he didn't want to just make stuff up. I told him that it was hard for me too. I have a lot of anger and resentment over what happened and how he was hanging his end of our relationship. I told him that I didn't want to be the unfun one. I didn't want to always bring up the crappy stuff but that we had to deal with it.

I basically said that if he didn't start giving me more loving language I could not be in a relationship with him anymore. I didn't not want to continue to be his friend either because, in my mind, he was not being a particularly good friend. I set my hard boundary. Either he does the thing I need or we aren't in a relationship. I was ready for him to say that he wanted to break up. He asked for some time to think. He was very upset, we were both crying.

He called me back and told me that he had decided that he did want to continue a relationship with me. He was willing to try to adhere to my boundary. I will be holding him accountable. I will stick to my time limit of the end of October.

Honestly, what I had been doing is considering his wants and needs before considering my own. I have been doing a lot of self work and seeing a counselor, these have been helping a lot. But just finally getting to a place where I realised that I didn't want to continue living like I was, being so angry, sad and frustrated all the time, really was the catalyst. My self work and counselling gave me the tools to actually state my needs in a way that was heard and acted on. I was prepared to end my relationship with Wolf on Sunday night. I was so done with feeling awful about myself. I can't tell you how great I feel about myself now. I took back my power instead of giving it all to him.
 
Thanks for the reply Tinwen,

He has cleared a lot of his stress at work. He was away for a week at a conference where he was giving a presentation, getting ready for this, while still doing his already high stress job was a huge source of the extra stuff.

I guess in that case, I would be turning it around. Without demanding specifics, you could be asking: What would YOU like to do about us? Do you see a path to rebuild trust? Perhaps he has some good ideas himself. And you will see what effort he does already put in and what effort he's willing to try.

This is something I tried. He gets defensive and shuts down when I try to bring this stuff up in person. I really don't know how to get him to open up.



Frankly, I don't understand this dichotomy. Are you saying you are both just pretending a perfect world when together? If that brings you joy, yes, why not, but there should be a way to talk about what each of you feels. Time to chill and time to problem solve. Your insecurity seem to be caused much by that "I don't know where I stand with him" thing. If he could just admit to you what he hesitates about - wouldn't that help?

I don't really understand the dichotomy either. I think he wants to pretend a perfect world but I just can't anymore. That's where our problems stem from. I do want that happy, loving time together because really if we don't have that then why bother? But we do have issues, we can't just hope they'll go away by pretending they don't exist. I think he hopes that will work.

It definitely is an "I don't know where I stand with him" thing. It always has been since the get go. It's something I've brought up continually throughout our relationship.

I've decided to focus on what I need in this relationship. I can't have my own feelings and take on his as well. I don't have the capacity for that. Nor should I be expected to. I will focus on me. Obviously I won't purposely do things that will make him feel hurt but if what I need is something that upsets him I just have to let him feel upset.
 
Honestly, what I had been doing is considering his wants and needs before considering my own. I have been doing a lot of self work and seeing a counselor, these have been helping a lot. But just finally getting to a place where I realised that I didn't want to continue living like I was, being so angry, sad and frustrated all the time, really was the catalyst. My self work and counselling gave me the tools to actually state my needs in a way that was heard and acted on. I was prepared to end my relationship with Wolf on Sunday night. I was so done with feeling awful about myself. I can't tell you how great I feel about myself now. I took back my power instead of giving it all to him.
Yes! It seems you've been effective. And you have done that huge leap towards tending to yourself first. I hope things will keep lightening up for you :)
 
I told him that I couldn't continue on like we were going. I couldn't maintain a connection with him if I was getting no loving language from him at all between the times that I was seeing him. He told me that this was so hard for him and that he didn't want to just make stuff up. I told him that it was hard for me too. I have a lot of anger and resentment over what happened and how he was hanging his end of our relationship. I told him that I didn't want to be the unfun one. I didn't want to always bring up the crappy stuff but that we had to deal with it.

I basically said that if he didn't start giving me more loving language I could not be in a relationship with him anymore. I didn't not want to continue to be his friend either because, in my mind, he was not being a particularly good friend. I set my hard boundary. Either he does the thing I need or we aren't in a relationship.

Sometimes people love each other very much and do want to be in a relationship, but they simply are not compatible, no matter how much they want to be. I sometimes think of this as "wanting to be in a relationship with alternate-reality Person rather than actual Person." Like, in a sci-fi universe where things were just a hair different, the two of you would be perfect for each other.

But in this universe, the thing you need him to do in order for you to feel happy might be the thing that he needs to not do in order to feel happy. And that's just incompatibility. And it SUCKS. But it happens—I've dealt with a lot of it.

Sometimes compatibility/incompatibility over seemingly small shit can make or break a relationship, and sometimes it happens after you're already deeply in love. But it's better to establish that compatibility or incompatibility and be willing to move on if it turns out it's incompatibility rather than to just keep feeling neglected on your end and him feeling pressured on his end. Good for you for setting a time limit to figure it out!
 
I know that I may have to break up with him. It's looking more and more like that to me. The one thing I asked for and he agreed to try he hasn't even made an attempt. I know it's only been a couple of days but I haven't seen him in almost a week and have barely spoken to him in that time frame. I will be seeing him tonight, I'm going to make sure that he understands what I'm asking for. Other than that I just want to have a fun time with him.
 
Has someone already suggested the Love Languages idea to you? It says there are various ways people express love, such as words of love (like you), gifts, acts of service, physical affection etc. if two people are trying ever so hard to express love but are not using the Love Language of their partner their partner will not get the message. In what ways is Wolf accustomed to expressing love if not in words? If you can get him to take a love languages quiz then you can offer to learn his language as you want him to use yours.

Leetah
 
We have both taken the quiz, he knows what my love languages are. One of his top love languages is words of affirmation. He 100% knows what mine are.

I talked to him about it last night. Just asked him if he understood what I was asking for. He said that he did and had thought he was being more affectionate but I told him that he hadn't. We had a discussion about what I really need from him and I think we're in a good place. We had a good evening together.
 
You know those days when you wake up feeling awful about yourself and you have no motivation to get out of bed and you just want one particular person to send you a message and give you some affection but you know it won't happened unless you ask for it but then it feels forced?

Yeah, that's my morning today. 😖
 
I'm trying really hard to prepare myself to let go. Things seem to improve and then it's like Wolf forgets that I have feelings and forgets that I'm struggling. I don't know how to see and understand what, if anything he is doing to improve our relationship. I'm sick of being the one that is always bringing up the negative stuff and compromising and putting myself out there. I'm tired of making changes and having him feel happy but not be happy myself. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm sick of having to plan my time with him around his other partners. I'm tired.

I can't keep trying to make him happy at the expense of myself. I'm not sure if I can be happy and have him in my life but I'm giving it till the end of October, like I said. I'm not really sure how to do it and so here goes nothing.
 
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