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Old 09-14-2018, 05:34 PM
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polyaccidental91 polyaccidental91 is offline
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Question Needing some poly tangle advice

Hey everyone! So I am in conundrum ATM, and looking for a little advice. I won't get into a lot of back story, just the basics: I'm poly, I have my awesome hubby of 8 years, and my amazing bf of 5 years. My bf, who is recently married in July, has always had a rocky relationship with his wife. Lately, since vows were made, it's been getting worse. Hardly a day goes by when she doesn't say she hates him for something or other. Now, my opinions are obviously biased, since I love him and I don't have to live with him, but I find myself getting frustrated with her over it. If she is so unhappy, and he is miserable, why do they stay together? Especially when many of her problems have to do with huge parts of who he is? Like his sense of humor? His sleeping habits? And every little mistake, to the point of putting the ketchup in the wrong place in the fridge. She acts like he needs to be absolutely perfect, and from my stand point he is perfect the way he is. Then she comes to me for advice, and rejects it every single time. I feel like its majorly unhealthy and hate to see them both this way. Sorry if this seems like a bit of a rant but I feeling kind of overwhelmed by it all.
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Old 09-14-2018, 06:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle. Sounds like you need to hear LESS about their problems.

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Hardly a day goes by when she doesn't say she hates him for something or other.
Why is she telling you?

Quote:
If she is so unhappy, and he is miserable, why do they stay together? Especially when many of her problems have to do with huge parts of who he is? Like his sense of humor? His sleeping habits? And every little mistake, to the point of putting the ketchup in the wrong place in the fridge.
I have no idea. That's for them to figure out. Not anyone else. You don't have to be her free therapist.

Quote:
She acts like he needs to be absolutely perfect, and from my stand point he is perfect the way he is. Then she comes to me for advice, and rejects it every single time.
Then don't advise. Stop.

Sounds like you are being used for some sort of "emotional dumpster." She unloads on you, she feels better in the moment but things don't actually change long term. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The unloading might make her feel better, but if it makes YOU feel crap? Stop talking about this. Say "No. I cannot be your sounding board on this. I suggest you talk to him directly." That can be your NEW lather, rinse, repeat.

And if she keeps trying to put it on you, say "Please respect my limit. I don't want to talk about this. Talk to him directly." If she keeps on pushing? Hang up or leave the room. YOU can obey your limit.

If she gets mad and humphy about your unwillingness to talk about this and be dumpstered again? Oh, well. She's already mad and humphy. It doesn't really change anything for her.

But you doing new behavior can change things for YOU so you don't have to be doing this any more.

Quote:
I feel like its majorly unhealthy and hate to see them both this way. Sorry if this seems like a bit of a rant but I feeling kind of overwhelmed by it all.
If you see it is majorly unehalthy why get embroiled in it? Bow out of the drama. Could honor what YOU need right now. Which is some space away from all this daily brouhaha. Could give it to yourself so you can stop feeling overwhelmed.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-15-2018 at 03:19 AM.
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Old 09-14-2018, 11:35 PM
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Hi polyaccidental91,

The problems you are describing are, I believe, your boyfriend's problems to figure out. If I might state the obvious, he chose to marry her, gods only know why, and now he chooses every day to stay married to her. If that is his choice, then it's his job to figure out how to make it work. If he's asking for your advice, you'd probably advise him to break up with her, but apparently he's not asking for your advice, so the ball is back in his court.

When his wife comes to you for advice, she really just wants to vent, so instead of trying to suggest anything to her, just say, "That sounds hard. I'm sorry you're going through that." She, too, made the questionable decision to marry him, and she, too, chooses to stay married to him every day. If she's going to make that decision, then she needs to be the one to figure out how to make it work. You don't owe her any advice. If she demands advice of you, just say, "I'm sorry, I don't know what to suggest." Which is true when you know your every suggestion is only going to be rejected.

I'm sorry you are caught in the middle of this. If you'll keep us updated on this thread, I'll try to think of more advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 09-22-2018, 07:47 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polyaccidental91 View Post
Hardly a day goes by when she doesn't say she hates him for something or other. Now, my opinions are obviously biased
If I find myself having an emotional response about a relationship that doesn't have anything to do with me, I know instantly that the problem is that I am not managing the information that is coming to me.

When a loved one bitches and moans about someone else in their life, it naturally informs my opinions. If this causes me grief, I need to clearly tell them "Look, I care deeply about you and want to know what's going on in your life, but the details of this relationship seriously bum me out and I'm starting to really resent this other person. That's not cool. So, don't come to me with the trials and tribulations of your other relationship"

When someone comes to me for advise and then doesn't take it, I need to say "I am not inclined to give you advice on this topic. For one, I am emotionally entangled and it causes me stress to get further involved. For another, you don't take my advice anyway, so I feel like this is a circle jerk. So, don't come to me with the trials and tribulations of your other relationship"

We are not doing anyone any favors, them or ourselves, to continue to be the toilet for their relationships woes.

If we want better relationships in our lives, we need to start respecting our own boundaries, and treating the people around us as if they are adults capable of handling their own feelings.
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Old 09-22-2018, 01:10 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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GG, Kevin and Marcus, awesome advice!

polyaccidental, you sound too entangled with your metamour (your bf's new wife). I'd suggest spending less time talking to her in general. You don't have to be friends with a metamour if it causes you distress and exhaustion.

I'd say, focus more on your bf and why he'd choose to marry a woman who constantly "hates" him for being human... Is he even a healthy match for you, if he willingly puts up with this kind of abuse? What does that say about HIM?
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Old 09-25-2018, 08:42 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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I have thoughts.
Short of my shared partner or my metamour being the victim of abuse (emotional, verbal, physical) then not only shouldn’t you get involved, but it’s not a requirement.
Support to a degree can be helpful to our metamours, but this level, perhaps more this subject matter is inappropriate.
I experienced a similar situation where my metamour and partner had a troubled relationship. I would let my partner vent to me to a degree, most of the time with the phrase “I shouldn’t be telling you this” preceding the conversation. I’d listen and sometimes I’d respond with my friend hat on, but I never advised or said they should break up.
I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to say “this is toxic! You’re hurting one another”.
I was given the advice to be an example of a healthy relationship and hopefully the healthy behaviors would rub off on the other relationship, or at least provide a point of reference. I was advised to stay out of their relationship.
Boundaries had to be set for all parties.
I hated seeing my partner distraught, but he got good at keeping it from me and going to others for advice or to vent.
In the end their relationship did end. I had hoped they would learn from my healthy behaviors, but in the end only one of them did.

All that to say, their relationship is theirs to figure out.
You have no responsibility to hear their issues.

Once you all set up boundaries I think you’ll find things go better.
Whatever happens with them is on them.

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this spot.
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Old 09-25-2018, 08:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
GG, Kevin and Marcus, awesome advice!

(I agree!)

I'd say, focus more on your bf and why he'd choose to marry a woman who constantly "hates" him for being human... Is he even a healthy match for you, if he willingly puts up with this kind of abuse? What does that say about HIM?
I recently had the experience of ending an unhealthy relationship with someone I had been involved with for 11 years. I came to realize that I put up with things from that partner that I wouldn’t have with any other partner. It was as if I had learned healthier behaviors but couldn’t apply them to that relationship.
That relationship was the exception to my rules and it was very difficult to end. It ended well over 5 times, I lost count.
One of my partners had a similar situation, where his long term partner was the exception. That relationship also ended more than once.

Polyacxidental91’s partner could be having the same experience.
It’s worth a ponder though.
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Dean (D): 32,m,straight,poly,husband
My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi, ex
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,ex-partner to Sir


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