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  #21  
Old 09-16-2018, 07:57 PM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I find that people who use primary/secondary labels tend to fall too easily into the prescriptive use. People who want to use them descriptively can find better ways to describe the situation without using words that are potentially hurtful.
Well said. I agree.
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  #22  
Old 09-16-2018, 10:22 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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In my core configuration (the V of myself as hinge, Hubby, and my boyfriend), we do our best to avoid hierarchy. My boyfriend, not having a life-entangled partner, seems to do pretty well treating his partners fairly. I won't say equally, because in my mind it's impossible to treat different people equally, and fair does not always mean equal. Fair, to me at least, means giving each person what they *need*, and people don't always have equal needs. Fair, to me, also means prioritizing needs over wants, regardless of whose need or want it is.

(It may be worth noting that despite being legally entangled with Hubby, if someone were to order me to declare someone as my primary, it wouldn't be him. The legal entanglements are pretty much all we have; we love each other, but time together is generally not a thing. We might have something that could be termed a "date" two or three times a year, if that, and otherwise we don't even usually interact when we're home, other than a hug as we pass each other in the hallway or a kiss hello or goodbye when one of us is leaving or coming home. I don't consider him a secondary, but it would be hard to consider him a primary under those circumstances. And yes, he knows this.)

I do see other people who would probably be considered secondary partners of mine, mostly because I don't really consider any of them partners. They're friends I sometimes kink with or have sex with. Two of them do have hierarchical relationship structures, and I prefer not to get into a full-fledged relationship in which I'm going to be the secondary. It may be a semantic distinction, but if I'm just a friend-with-benefits to these other guys, that doesn't make me feel "less than" the way being termed a "secondary" would.
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