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Old 09-13-2018, 04:55 PM
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tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
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Default The first time(s) things happen...

Hi All,
I have posted before semi-recently about struggles with my husband, his other partner, and my other partner.

Without taking a whole long post to give the background about everything, I'll be short.. if people have questions, I can answer them. I just moved away for a new job. Husband didn't come with me. He *might* move up here (from CA to WA) months down the road. Work related reasons why he couldn't come right now, but I also don't think he wanted to leave his other partner yet. My other partner is military, and ironically, moved away last week, a week before my move. Other partner says he's mono, although he doesn't seem 100% mono but that's for another day. Anyway, we are very close, emotionally, physically, mentally intimate. We have talked every day since he left, multiple times a day, on lots of media (phone calls, texts, social media etc) it was almost like before, without the physical stuff. He is more of a "primary" than my husband (my husband doesn't do hierarchical poly).

Last night, my other partner (military guy) slept with someone. It was a friend of his, someone he knew a long time, and evidently this was unexpected and unplanned. There is a lot of weird things that happened around it, but it was unexpected in general and VERY sudden for me. Granted, he has slept with 2 other women the whole time we were seeing each other - one was in the beginning of our relationship, the other was at the point where we were more serious, and I was a little jealous, but it wasn't a big deal. My partner has this expectation that I don't get jealous or something, and I think he created that belief in the beginning of our dating. Anyway, he told me this story, and it wasn't just about him sleeping with her - there was more to it (she kicked him out because I guess she had a bf who was coming home and she didn't tell him!!!) I just got stuck on the sleeping with her part. Literally, he left a week ago. I knew he was going to date other people and eventually get into a mono relationship, but I didn't see this coming. It felt like a gut punch. It is the "first time" something like this has hurt me deeply within our relationship. We ended up having a long conversation, because I got pretty upset, which led to him feeling guilty and sad about hurting me. I didn't want to make him feel bad, I just was expressing myself and couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. My feelings/thoughts in my head are feeling insecure, that I am replaceable, that he could easily "turn off" the switch and sleep with someone right away -- but i know that stuff isn't true, it has nothing to do with me, this was a friend he knew a long time (this takes the sting out of it a little, at least). I think what would be helpful is if we had some sort of commitment or SOMETHING. It's like, we aren't really "broken up" but since he isn't really "poly" it isn't like there is a promise that this connection will continue, either. It's almost like an extended friends with emotional benefits until it isn't anymore, if that make sense. We had a talk about our relationship before he left (and again today). The door isn't closed on us, but he does want to get married some day. I feel like because I'm already married, I'm not a real long-term possibility no matter what. He even said something along the lines of "things will always be close, because they are static." Whatever that means. Like, it can't go farther but it will always stay good? it's really mono normative cultural programming I think.

Anyway, I feel like my heart got crushed and I'm trying to be okay with it. He is very apologetic for hurting me, reassured me that he cares for me and is not "trying to get over me," and always wants me in his life. In a way, it is a "commitment" of sorts, but not a romantic promise.

I feel like I am always the one in my poly world to get hurt. My husband was the first one to start dating, the first one to sleep with someone else, the first one to fall in love with someone else. He is still with that partner and everything is groovy for them. I was lucky enough to find this other partner, and fall in love with him, and have a wonderful, amazing year with him. Now, I was the first one to "say goodbye" to a partner, and now to feel the sting of what happens when a partner is with someone else. My husband's partner hasn't done anything aside from one or two dates. I hope this doesn't make me sound like an over emotional idiot. I am tired of being the one to break down and cry and feel crushed. I also have been going through it with my husband and his partner, although she and I really patched things up and I no longer have any hard feelings towards her.

I really don't want advice about what to do or some "you should be happy, it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" bs... not that you guys would say that. I hope others can understand and validate this...how hard the first time these things happen to us with a loved one... if anyone else has been through something like this, please feel free to share, I would love feedback.

I just want to heal. I want to remain open and trust people. I still love my husband and my partner but my heart feels like it has been through the ringer. Literally just LAST week I said goodbye to this partner with a tearful airport goodbye and my world was rocked and here we are again.
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Old 09-13-2018, 05:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It IS hard. Any first time thing is hard. Whether you are 16 years old and first falling in love. Or an adult managing first poly relationship goodbyes at an airport or dealing with a partner having a new lover/being deceived by a new lover. (Not telling him she already had a BF? Some friend. Sheesh.)

Polyamory, because there is more people in the mix? Means it's more intense, because things are gonna happen when they happen. It is possible to be flying super high because all partnerships are going really well. Or go super low because all partnerships broke up with you in the same day. Or something between those things.

One chooses to pay the price of admission, take the risks, ride the up and downs with poly if they are gonna poly.

I hope you do heal over time and things get better.

hugs
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Old 09-13-2018, 08:25 PM
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tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
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Thank you so much. That was all I needed to hear! Just needed some validation...

Spoke to my metamour on the phone and she was super supportive and validating, also.

I still feel pretty bummed out and crushed, even though partner and I had a good long talk after he disclosed everything. Am hoping we can talk more later. I know this is going to take time for me to work through.
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Old 09-13-2018, 10:16 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You also just moved. It's not like you have settled into your new job, new home, new routines, made new friends and all that completely yet. Dust has not settled. That by itself would be jarring.

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Old 09-13-2018, 11:28 PM
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Hi Teal,

It sounds like you have taken some hard blows recently, and in fact have taken many hard blows since the start of the poly experience. I wouldn't blame you if you are feeling frustrated. I just hope things can go more smoothly for you now that you have moved, maybe some things could change for the better unexpectedly. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 09-14-2018, 02:58 AM
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tealheron11 tealheron11 is offline
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Thanks so much, Gala and Kevin. It just feels nice to be "heard" and supported, even from afar on a forum. My poly experience has been a roller coaster ride. Sometimes I wonder why I even suggested this! LOL.

I am feeling a little better, though things are still raw. I've talked about this event/situation with my two best friends, my metamour, my husband, and my partner (the one mentioned above). I feel very supported and loved by everyone, but it still hurts. The talk with my partner helped me the most - he said some things which really worked in comforting me and helping me accept what happened. Perhaps this painful experience can actually bring us closer, and help me learn more about myself through healing.
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Rhaegar- my lover
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Old 09-14-2018, 06:28 PM
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Wow, you guys, I have done a complete 180 about how I felt yesterday. It took a lot of talking with partner and processing and trying to understand why I felt the way I did... own my own sh*t, so to speak.

Once we talked about it enough, more came from his side which was the most reassuring thing he's ever said. Essentially, without using these words, he confirmed we are still in a relationship. I am not replaceable (which is how I felt, since this happened so soon). He respects my poly nature, and seems like he trusts me to be open minded about things, and that it allows him to be more free in his own relationships, sexual pursuits, and ideas. Even though eventually, he will probably get married, I still have a special place in his life and heart. He felt terribly that I got so hurt by what he did, and keeps apologizing. I was never mad though.. just surprised.

I have dug deep to try and understand my initial emotional injury. I guess I felt a little betrayed, felt worried that she was a better choice than I, that he must really like her if he could do this so soon (and he does really like her, this is someone he has known for YEARS, it was not a random hookup). But I know, being poly, all relationships are different, and it isn't black or white, all or nothing, me or her. They have a connection, a history, it has nothing to do with me. My mono programming kicked in and felt "cheated on" because I didn't expect it... but I know what happened was okay, he didn't do anything wrong, and it wasn't malicious, random, or superficial (not that there is anything wrong with random sex).

This morning, I had a new reaction.. sexual arousal. Partner and I have joked about threesomes (I've never had one, neither has he). Somehow that got me thinking that this sex with others thing isn't so bad. I am turning my painful vulnerable feelings around into seeing this differently, as an interesting, arousing situation that brought him pleasure. I am hoping in the future we can talk openly about sex with other people like my husband and I can (with consent, of course). I am looking forward to telling my partner about this shift, wondering how he'll react, worse case scenario is he'll laugh at me, but I can handle that.

How weird is this?! Guess I am really poly after all.. Ha!
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Rhaegar- my lover
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Old 09-14-2018, 06:48 PM
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Well that is quite a turnaround. I am glad you are feeling so much better about the whole thing. Keep us posted!
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