Which way to turn?

I didn't mean you criticized me for him taking on my problems, I meant you criticized me for not fixing them myself - I just didn't word that well.

I'm not asking you to change how you feel. I'm just asking you not to call me juvenile and stupid because you're angry with my choice.
 
Hello, I just thought I would send a bit of my thoughts on this... I'm PMing you two also Cricket and Mohegan, just so you know.

I have found it counter productive to involve myself in my partner and metamours business. What is my business is to be a sounding board for my partner, not to be involved in their drama and make it mine. Why? Well because what sometimes happens is that I am left with egg on my face when they sort themselves out and I have gone on and on about stuff that isn't mine to process. Their relationship is theirs and mine is mine. I wouldn't want someone interfering with the dynamics of mine so why would I interfere with theirs... no matter how ludicrous they seem... truth is that we never know what goes on behind closed doors and could never know because we are not them...

I hope you don't mind Mohegan, but if I were you I would be stepping away, zipping my mouth shut and just listening and waiting and consoling Karma if he needs that and venting to someone who is not involved in order to keep my cool. Just a thought.
 
RedPepper, I love you right now :)
 
I hope you don't mind Mohegan, but if I were you I would be stepping away, zipping my mouth shut and just listening and waiting and consoling Karma if he needs that and venting to someone who is not involved in order to keep my cool. Just a thought.

Can't do that. That's not me. Karma and I agreed from day one that that's not how things would work for us. We share everything, and what effects him, effects me. That's how it is.

I've deleted the posts in question because things were taken out of context.

Cricket and I have already talked, and while I don't get why she is doing what she is doing, I respect that this is what she thinks she needs to do.

My problem came in where I got half the story from Karma and was then left to stew over it while he slept. I kept myself busy as long as I could, waiting for himt o get up and go over it all again. But eventualy I drove myself nuts and turned to the one place I have always expressed these feelings.

That was apparently the wrong thing to do.

After reading Crickets blog, I had started an apology blog, when things got taken out of context and went past the point of productive and into the point of anger.

I do hope the best for her. I do hope this is truly what she needs. I hope she is able to find what she is looking for. Because I want that for everyone. I personaly, wouldn't go about it in this way, but if this is how she feels she needs to do it, then I'll repsect that.

But that doesn't change the fact that my husband is hurting, and worse I am 7 f'ing hours away and can't be there for him. So I did the only thing I knew to do. And it was wrong. I'm sorry.

I understand that I am not in their relationship and can only understand what it is they tell me. And that it is their relationship.

But my husband and I share everything, and when he hurts, my first instinct is to attack the source of said pain. Regardless of if it is his relationship or something else. I only want for him to be happy, and when he is hurt, I can't explain the rage that creates.

I was only trying to express my inability to understand where she was coming form and what I felt the reasoning was. I felt the ACTIONS were juvenile, not Cricket.

But as I said, I have apologized to both of them.

I am going to wait for my dad to get home from the hospital. Take care of him. And move on with my night. Becuase at least there I know I am doing the right thing.
 
Mohegan, I totally feel you my friend. Of course it effects you personally. Especially when karma is far away. Its so hard to keep feelings at bay when we want to protect our loves.

P.s. Love you too karma. :D
 
My problem came in where I got half the story from Karma and was then left to stew over it while he slept. I kept myself busy as long as I could, waiting for himt o get up and go over it all again. But eventualy I drove myself nuts and turned to the one place I have always expressed these feelings.

I understand this feeling. Someone hurts your man and MOMMA BEAR kicks in. This happened between my husband and his brother not to long ago and man it pissed me off. How dare his brother treat him this way, etc. Turns out I only got half the story. Fortunately his brother understands his way of communicating (or lack thereof) and all was forgiven.
 
So my mom wanted to know why Karma had been so upset and why he and I were fighting the other night...lol perfect intro to our life as it is now...if I weren't a chicken shit. I had no desire to start that conversation with Karma not even here, not having discussed it with him, and with him and Cricket taking a break anyway.

though I envisioned it going something like this--

"So he had a string of affairs you knew that, Well I let him keep dating the one he fell in love with, and it's all worked out and we are stronger and happier than ever. Up until they decided to take a break and I blamed her for breaking his heart and he blamed me for not waiting to get the whole story before going off, and she needs time to be 20 and get her life together. And that's why he's been so upset. Oh and my brother has known for months and is fully supportive of this."

LOL so not the conversation I wanted to have tonight.


I'm glad Karma and Cricket talked. I'm still apprehensive. I'm gun shy I guess. In the same way she thinks I am always judging her and looking down on her, when I'm not I only want to help and I am harsh and blunt by nature no matter how many times I say that, she still has it in the back of her mind. And I still have my reservations and first impressions back there nagging too.

I just don't want to see my husband hurt even more than he already is.


In other news, my car is frozen shut.
 
Can't wait for Karma to get here. I feel so distant from our relationship. I feel like an outsider looking in. 3-4 more days. We really need the time to reconnect.

Never doing this again.

I'm confused, hurt and feeling cast aside.
 
Hugs Mo....BIG HUGS! ;) It'll be alright. Just relax....and try to think about all the things you want to do when he gets back. ;)
 
I don't understand this at all. We talk every day.... how are you being cast aside?

We had a disagreement over something. You're letting that plus our current distance get to you, love. That is all. I'm certainly not percieving any sort of emotional distance or need to "cast you aside" in any of this.
 
I'm confused, hurt and feeling cast aside.

We had a disagreement over something. You're letting that plus our current distance get to you, love.

I get where Mo is coming from. Having arguements long distance, especially when your not used to being long distance will really mess with your head and magnify the insecurities and fears.

I recently discovered, that when things are finally great between a couple (especially after a long period of not so good) the seperation is so much harder. It can be like someone removed a lung or a part of some other vital organ.
 
I'm just kind of lost right now. I feel I am justified in how I feel, Karma feels I am wrong for the way I feel.

According to his facebook, our argument was about nothing.

Just makes me feel even more lost. I thought we made progress in our talk tonight. I thought we FINALY understood where the other was coming from. And then I see that he felt it was about nothing.

So I'm right back to feeling like my thoughts and feelings don't matter. Maybe I'll just stop speaking.

Hopefuly things are better once he gets here.
 
That was posted before we had talked, in between phone calls.

The second call was fine - we did make progress. But yes, the first one, to me it really did seem like we were arguing over nothing.
 
Ahhh...Good ol fashioned "mis-communication". I hate it when that happens....But it is inevitable. Be patient...and always look for the right things. By that, I mean, try to believe that the person in question, will always make the right choice/decision. ;) If they prove you wrong, take note...and try to prevent it in the future by finding out WHY they made the wrong decision/choice.
 
I had a good talk with my brother while baking cookies and we've decided Karma and I should never be apart this long again.

I need physical touch. I need hugs and kisses and snoogles and just his physical presence, to feel loved. And I've gone two weeks without that. Barely talking on the phone, and minimal online communication. I'm feeling left behind and disconnected.

And it makes perfect sense as to why I am taking everything so personaly. Mix that with the constant drama that is my parents house and I'm hitting a breaking point with no where to go and no one to help me put the pieces back together.

Aside from Karma, my brother is the one person on this Earth who GETS me. We have vastly different religous beliefs and lifestyles, but we both respect the others decisions and opinions. We can see where the other is coming from even if we don't live that way. I really needed tonight. After my parents went to bed, we baked cookies and laughed and laughed at the soap opera that is this house. He has a way of letting things just roll off him. It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he doesn't let it get to him, so he cracks jokes instead. I am in a much better frame of mind. He doesn't agree with poly, but he still has some really good insight and advice, because in the end, it's people skills. You don't have to be poly, to see how relationships work. I really respect and love my brother for that.

My parents fight, a lot, and it takes a toll on you. I don't ever want to be like that with Karma. I don't ever want my niece, or our maybe one day kids, to ever see that. I know my parents love eachother, I just think somewhere in the last 31 yrs they lost track of why. I think they stopped working on communicating and it has devolved into arguing as their primary form of communication. I honestly see a lot of Karma and I in them. At least where we were a yr ago. I am so glad we've gotten to where we are. Yes we stil fight. But our fights are rare. And mostly they are due to miscommunication and frustration. Once we get done yelling our frustration out, we sit down and calmly talk through it.


I don't know where things with him and Cricket will go. I don't know if either of us will find ourselves in other relationships as time goes on. But what I do know, is I love my husband, and I hate how I am feeling right now. I hope once he get here (2 more days!!!) we reconnect and I get the reassurance I need.

I told him last week, that being here without him, I remembered who I was before he was in my life, and he seemed so happy about that, and at the time I was too. That strong independant women who only had herself to care about. Who had no responsibilities and just did whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.

But now, I remember why I was so happy to lose her. I love who I am with Karma. I love how he challenges me. I love how he can make me see things in a way I never did. Honestly this life is boring, when I think of how even the most mundane task is fun with him.


I dunno...I'm on pain meds and babbling. I'm going to bed.
 
It seems to me that the biggest mistake couples make is to communicate via Facebook. Seems like it just adds to problems. What's up with that? Doesn't anyone make phone calls or send email anymore? Why broadcast your personal shit to the world, anyway?

I send private messages, very much like email. I also hate the phone with a passion.
 
I have my facebook set up so that only my friends can see what I've posted. ;) Only people who I actually KNOW...and/or care about. The rest of the world can KMA. (Kiss My Ass)

Mo, I think that's a good idea. Not being separated that long again. I know that when my wife went out of state before, it was TERRIBLE on me and her....more me, than her. She actually enjoys times alone...I can;t STAND them.
 
I'm trying to remember which anti crazy pill made me an emotionless zombie. I used to pride my self of running off my emotions. Using them as a my barometer for the rest of the world.

But more and more I am told my feelings are wrong, my thoughts behind those felings are wrong, my way of looking at things is wrong, and that really fucking hurts.

Suddenly something people have always told me they admire in me, is the thing causing me the most problems in my life.

I want to go back to being numb.

I want to go back to when I didn't give a shit anymore.

Because I am sick of hurting and being hurt, I am sick being angry, I am sick of worrying, and I am SICK of crying every Fing day.
 
Hugs to you Mo....I feel for you...I really do. It'll get better. I promise.
 
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