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Old 08-11-2014, 05:06 AM
obstinateorange obstinateorange is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1
Default Surprise, poly!

Hello, safe place. I don't know if you've noticed this, but it can actually be difficult to get useful advice on poly relationships from non-poly humans.

Thanks for existing.

Full disclosure upfront, I'm brand new to this. That'll be evident momentarily.

I've been dating my partner for seven months, and we've been a couple for six. On the day that we officially declared couplehood, she informed me that she is polyamorous, and that she had been living with her boyfriend for three years. I'd heard of polyamory before, and I even had an operating understanding of it, but that moment would mark the first time I ever entered a poly relationship on purpose. After all, she made me feel good, and I knew that there was potential for something wonderful between the two of us. What kind of good sense would it be not to run with that?

This revelation did feel like it betrayed some dishonesty, but I understood, especially after her explanation, why and how it had happened. No biggie.

For reasons unrelated to me, she split up with the boyfriend about two months later. Since then, we've been exclusive, due in part to my request (I realize this may be some kind of sin, but I hope to make the reasoning clear momentarily). I've since found out, however, that before my request, there were two additional people with whom she had a romantic relationship, if infrequently. Further, it came to light that they had been "involved" between the declaration of couplehood and her leaving the long time boyfriend. That hurt me too, because our early conversations about "the rules" indicated that we both believed that abundant clarity would be required for such a thing to work.

These things may have retarded my full acceptance of the idea. However, I wasn't without reservation to begin with. I've long suffered from depression, a condition for which I've only recently begun treatment. This, along with an unfortunate childhood, have left me with a persistent self esteem problem. Since beginning treatment for my depression, I've been getting a real hold on some kind of self worth, which is helping me move closer to fully accepting this thing.

I want to pursue this relationship as a polyamorous one for a few reasons. To start, that's very much a part of who she is, and I've never believed in trying to change your partner. And really, it just makes sense. I can look at polyamory on paper and see that it is not only "acceptable", but it looks like a good thing. In monogamous relationships from my past, I've often "struggled" with the desire to pursue other people. It's only lately that I've been able to fully realize that in the same way my desires were not due to some inadequacy of my partner, the desire in her to see more than one person needs not fall along dissimilar lines. Besides that, it's just a concept that seriously interests me.

My reservations are gradually dissolving. I don't know that I'm all the way there yet, but I believe I will be soon. I come to you because it's still a little scary. I hope to be able to pass a few things by this community for a sanity check or two, and to share my experiences and concerns with an understanding group of folks.

So hello.
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Old 08-12-2014, 01:42 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,787

Greetings obstinateorange,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I wish you well and can see that you have your own particular struggles to deal with. It sounds like you're not just leaving the problems to fester, you're trying to work them out. Just for that reason I think you deserve kudos.

Polyamory.com is a cornucopia of diverse opinion and experience. Just about any question you have, you can get the full perspective on it by posting and reading here. You will also find friends here and people you can depend on for moral support.

Complete honesty is very important in polyamory, so I hope you and your partner establish a good base of trust and truthfulness. Once that is accomplished, you will be in a good place to start your own polyamorous experience.

I'm glad you could join us and think you'll enjoy your stay.
Kevin T., "official greeter"


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 08-12-2014, 10:25 AM
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Suzanne Suzanne is offline
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Small Town WI
Posts: 25

Agreed! Kudos to you! Taking care of yourself is priority. It makes everything else just a little bit easier Being honest with yourself, and your partner and providing a safe place for your partner to be open and honest is key Sounds like you're off to a great start.

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