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Old 08-08-2014, 03:03 AM
Deplume Deplume is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Smile Hello all.. Could I please have some advice?

Hi, My name is Deplume and I am a 29 year old female from the UK.
I am bisexual out and proud.

I come to you very confused and looking for non-judgemental advice.
I suppose I should start with some background info.

I have always been Poly, although I didn't know this until very recently.
I was with someone for ten years, and during the time we were together and happy, there were two notable occasions where I felt myself falling for another person. I didn't want to cheat, so it didn't happen, but I was very open about my desires with my boyfriend. He hated this with a passion, so it wasn't mentioned again.
It did however stay with me, the feeling that my heart could be divided (without any pain or discomfort on my part) between two people. With equal respect and desire, and love. I felt like I missed out on something very special but at the same time I assumed, and was told that I was a ''slut'' or that I was obviously ''with the wrong person''
The relationship dissolved for other unrelated reasons, and now we fast forward to today.

I was dating a guy for 2 years but we broke up last autumn (fall)
We still have a great relationship and our chemistry is fantastic, but due to my feelings for a female friend, we ended things and agreed to stay ''friends with benefits'' despite still being very much in love, and seeing each other at every available opportunity..
When we broke up I entered into a relationship with the female, who I have been friends with for a long time.
We see each other as often as her career allows. She is poly and dating a male too, and I feel nothing but joy and excitement for this arrangement.
This year I also spent time with one of my best male friends, and we've developed a very deep relationship based on shared interests and goals.
Everybody knows this is going on. I couldn't be more open about how I feel.
I love all three equally and without favouritism.
I adore each for the unique and wonderful things they bring to my life.

This doesn't make things any less complicated.
The lady in my life just wants honesty, and for me to give her equal time.
I try not to miss her out, and give her that equal time.
Other than that, all she wants and has ever wanted is my happiness.
She is an amazing beautiful woman and I am lucky to have her in my life.

The man I am best friends with adores me, he's understanding, supportive and brilliant.
He is 100% behind me as far as the lady in my life is concerned.
He justifies this as me enjoying my bisexuality, and feels it's not just an acceptable but necessary aspect of my personality and sexuality.
As for my ''ex'' ..he wont ever stop me from seeing him and has said as much, but I know he'd be happier not to share, and I know he wishes I'd just drop him.

My ''ex'' or friend with benefits?
I love him so much, despite not having everything in common, somehow we just 'fit' and despite numerous attempts to sever contact end up 'falling' back together.
He doesn't get it. At all.
He wants us to be in a proper relationship, and wont accept me having anything to do with the lady in my life unless he can be directly involved at all times (she doesn't find him attractive, and wants me, not us, this is his biggest issue) ..as for my best male friend.. he closes off. I'm not even allowed to mention his name.
He questions me constantly about which of them I have slept with, where and when.
And I now have to make the biggest choice of my life: Let him go, or let the other two go to stay with him.
The funny thing is, if I went out with Poly lady, and MBF he would still be quite happy to sleep with me and hang out, he just wouldn't be very happy about it, and would be on the lookout for a new relationship.
He's given me until september to make a decision.

So yeah. Sorry for the novel.
I don't really know where to go from here.
I'm not apologetic. I have never lied to them, or cheated on anyone.
Technically I am only in one relationship with the lady.

Where do I go from here?
Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me..
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Old 08-08-2014, 03:42 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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Greetings Deplume,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It seems to me like you'd be less happy with the restrictions your "ex" would put on your life than you are with the (two) conditions the lady in your life asks of you. For that reason I would vote for (completely) breaking up with your "ex." I know I am not asking you to make a happy or easy choice. Obviously you love your ex a lot and breaking up with him would be very painful. But I think breaking up with the lady in your life would be worse. And (it seems to me that) you are being forced to break up with either the one or the other. So you'll have to choose.

It is hard for me to understand why some people have to be so possessive in their relationships, but I also realize that polyamory isn't for everyone. Some people need to be "that special someone" in someone's life, someone who's always "enough" and who never needs to be "supplemented" with an "extra" partner. That is what your ex wants and needs, and it seems to me that you wouldn't be able to give that to him. If you could, you could only do so with increasing resentment towards him over the years. That wouldn't be good for anyone.

I hope that bit of perspective is somewhat helpful, and maybe some other people will chime in here too. I wish you the very best regardless of what you choose.

Kevin T., "official greeter"


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Old 08-08-2014, 02:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,221

Welcome. I am sorry you struggle though.

I agree... Lose the ex. Let him BE ex boyfriend, ex lover. Be friends with no sex share benefits. That tends to color things.

He wants his idea of a proper relationship. You both could free him up to seek that happiness. You want to be free of these problems. You both could free you up from them by being more firm and decisive.



Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2014 at 02:24 PM.
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