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Old 07-31-2014, 04:53 PM
OnlyMoi OnlyMoi is offline
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Default Newby. Advice welcome!

Hi all!

I'm new-ish to all this. I've found myself in situations recently that I can't just ask my friends about, and which I have no idea how to deal with.

Short version:

I've been involved with a married man for ~5 years now. His wife is perfectly fine with it, and though I live in a different state now it is a long term thing. I've been around their kids (3 young kids), and have felt pretty relaxed. We are all friendly and pretty laid back. Until very recently, this was an open marriage thing. She did her thing with a few people, and we did ours. When I stayed over he would sleep with either her or me.

Very recently, however, it turned into a group thing. He made a request, and after talking it over for about 4 hours by ourselves, his wife and I agreed. Honestly, I was much more into it than expected. The sex was amazing, and after I started getting texts from her a lot. Friendly and flirty, I'd say a cross between a good female friend who I text a lot and someone I have a crush on. I'm finding this pretty odd, as I've always been straight, or at the most bi. I had mild experimentation in college but never a relationship thing with another girl.

I'm not saying I think I could fall in love with her or anything, but I'm really enjoying both the flirting and the relationship, and it feels a lot like what I've had with guys.

I tend to just go with the flow. I suppose ideally I'd like to continue on as we are - really good friends who really like sleeping together. I enjoy exchanging texts with her and it does feel like it is a relationship. After all, I've been around for years, we both love her husband. They almost feel like family.

Here's the problem and what I don't know how to deal with - her hubby/my longterm boyfriend is showing jealousy. He facetimed me and she popped over to say hi and he said "This is my girlfriend, not yours", mostly joking but he seemed semi-serious. He's used to having my undivided attention when he wants to talk. I've been his person to complain to and to talk to about family stuff. He has called several times in the past few days semi-joking about me stealing his wife and she is obsessed with sex with me, etc. Today I asked if he minded and he said "not today, but if it goes on much longer..." I'm getting very strong vibes that he is not happy with new developments.

Now being completely honest with myself, I'm enjoying this. Who wouldn't like feeling wanted by two people? However, he is extremely important to me, my best friend. And of course I've been an odd addition to the family for her for years, taking care of the kids, giving her time for herself, etc. I've watched the kids so the two of them could go out. I don't want to lose what I have with him, and I don't want her to feel left out. I want him to know I would respect his feelings and will back off if he wants, but I don't want her to misunderstand and feel a rejection. This is ridiculously complicated. Ideally I'd like to continue with him as before, with her included. I'd like to cultivate a friendship with her that could stand alone, but I don't want anyone left out, etc. How do people handle this type of thing? I have found very little info anywhere, I'm hoping I can find people in similar situations for advice.

So that wasn't such a short version.

Last edited by OnlyMoi; 07-31-2014 at 04:57 PM.
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  #2  
Old 07-31-2014, 06:04 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings OnlyMoi,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re:
Quote:
"Very recently, however, it turned into a group thing. He made a request, and after talking it over for about four hours by ourselves, his wife and I agreed."
So it was really him who opened the can of worms. And now he's not happy with the result. Kinda crappy on his part, don't you think?

It appears that you, he, and his wife need to have a three-person sit-down and discuss this point blank with no joking around. Is he okay with you and his wife being girlfriends/FWBs, or not? and if not, what can the three of you agree to do about it? This way at least you'll all be on the same page and his wife won't think you're rejecting her.

There's a chance that now things have warmed up between you and her, the two of you will find it hard or impossible to cool things off again. Which could lead to some major upheaval but what can you do.

What would really be nice is if he would examine this jealousy within himself and ask if it's really fair for him to act that way. You can ask him to do so, but he might react defensively.

I hope this doesn't lead to the end of what was a good relationship, but I don't think this is your fault. Polyamory and open marriage are supposed to be about being allowed to have romantic feelings for other people, not placing arbitrary restrictions on what our partner/s can or can't do.

Sorry you find yourself in the midst of this dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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  #3  
Old 07-31-2014, 06:57 PM
OnlyMoi OnlyMoi is offline
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Thanks for the response, I agree with all points.
Quote:
It appears that you, he, and his wife need to have a three-person sit-down and discuss this point blank with no joking around.
I think this is the best idea, I just need to figure out how. I just got home from visiting them in another state, and I'd so much rather talk in person. But I need to make it happen.

Quote:
There's a chance that now things have warmed up between you and her, the two of you will find it hard or impossible to cool things off again. Which could lead to some major upheaval but what can you do.
I completely agree - we can stop texting and talking, but I don't think I can hang out at their house and just shut off everything and pretend nothing happened.

Quote:
What would really be nice is if he would examine this jealousy within himself and ask if it's really fair for him to act that way.
I hope this will happen. It isn't like him to act this way, but I do kind of understand he's going to have to wrap his mind around it. He used to come talk to me about their fights, and to her about ours. Now his outlet is gone because we're talking to each other. She and I actually discussed being open about whatever we talk about, including him, with him. That has always been their policy. He can read any texts and get on any phone calls.

I am a little irritated, because she saw other people and while he did admit he was a little jealous, he dealt with it. I know this is completely different though. I just hope he can work through it. He is very open minded and fair, I expect the best from him. I'll be shocked if he can't work through things. I'm already shocked though, I guess, that he called today and said he didn't like it.

Quote:
I hope this doesn't lead to the end of what was a good relationship
This is my biggest fear. Had I anticipated issues I'd have expressed my concerns and said not a good idea. But it was his idea! Grrrr. It irritates me that he thought we'd just have sex and nothing would change. I do suspect he didn't think we'd really do it.

Anyway, thanks for the comment! It's nice to vent somewhere. My friends would flip out if they knew any of this. I've told my closest friends about the relationship with him and that they're married and ok with it, but not what has started recently. I think that would be just a bit too much for them to handle.
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Old 07-31-2014, 07:39 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Yeah, it's important to have an outlet like Polyamory.com so you can talk about the bumps you hit in the poly road without your monogamous friends/family going all bug-eyed on you. Monogamous relationships need help and counseling sometimes; why can't that be true of poly relationships too?

Do you think it'll be a long time before the three of you can meet again in person? Would some kind of skype or conference call be an option? Even a group email might work depending on what your options are and how long you want to wait on getting this resolved.

Since he's normally a sensible guy, I hope this'll just turn out to be a phase he's going through. People form triads every day in poly; it wouldn't be so bad if you guys did likewise, right?

I hope things work out for you okay.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #5  
Old 08-01-2014, 05:26 AM
TangleDiamond2 TangleDiamond2 is offline
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Hi onlymoi! Welcome to the board, I'm brand new to this stuff too but I can relate. I am involved with a married man whom I am in love with. I am also involved with his wife although my feelings do not go as deep for her. She is more of my best friend and flirty friends. But my feelings are very strong, I just don't define it as love.. At this time. We have great sex together and have had threesomes with her husband. Only thing is that I am also married, and my husband is also in a relationship with her. A lot of times thier relationship overshadows mine and hers... So we don't explore it as much as we do the hetero relationships we have. P.s like you, this is my first bisexual relationship.

Anyway, I can relate to the jealousy. Her husband has admitted that when I spend a lot of time with her or we are kissing/cuddling... He finds that he wants me all to himself. She has also realized a lot of her jealousies come from when I do not pay her enough attention and him too much...
So... We have learned that we have had to keep each relationship separate. While group play is fun... And happens.. We learned that we each feel better when the focus is one on one.. And when the others do not have to witness the flirting, kissing or touching all the time. We have made special times for each relationship... And when those times don't happen we long for the intimate one on one time.
If you enjoy being with her, and she enjoys being with you, I hope you can figure out how to make it work for you all as a group and as individual relationships
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Old 08-02-2014, 12:57 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OnlyMoi View Post
... He facetimed me and she popped over to say hi and he said "This is my girlfriend, not yours", mostly joking but he seemed semi-serious. He's used to having my undivided attention when he wants to talk. I've been his person to complain to and to talk to about family stuff. He has called several times in the past few days semi-joking about me stealing his wife and she is obsessed with sex with me, etc. Today I asked if he minded and he said "not today, but if it goes on much longer..." I'm getting very strong vibes that he is not happy with new developments.
This sounds familiar. I think it's a learning curve type of thing.

The boys have a standing joke that they may as well not even TRY to have a GF all to themselves...I'll just "snipe" her anyway. Which isn't precisely true - but the fact is that if someone they find interesting and attractive is around me a fair amount then chances are that I'm going to find her interesting and attractive too!

When Dude starting dating Lotus - I did try to keep a bit of distance and let them just develop their relationship without crowding. But...apparently I didn't do a great job of it and and there were a few similar type discussions/arguments along the way. Lotus, from her side, has said that she feels like she is dating ALL of us to various degrees - we all met her at the same time (their first date was a group date with us - we all went to a concert) - and she doesn't feel he has any "claim" on her just because he is the one that found her on OKC.

Her relationships with each of us have developed their own rhythm and pace. We all, and her husband sometimes, do spend a lot of (non-sexy) time all together but 2 (or more) of the group can also choose to take/schedule "alone" time with each other. As things have settled into the "new normal" over the past 10 months Dude's "girlfriend stealing" comments have become much rarer (and more joking and less semi-serious) as long as he feels he is getting enough time with each of us.

Just a thought: your boyfriend may be sensing the NRE between the two of you and be jealous of THAT without even knowing that is what the issue is. Take it slow and I think he can probably learn to see the positives in the situation (yes, threesomes but other stuff too) - if you guys can make it through the NRE while both giving HIM enough attention, this can work.

I do think, however, that there will be a change in regards to your being his "vent" about relationship things with his wife, especially as he knows that you will be sharing your insights with her as well. He may, again, be mourning the loss of this without realizing it.
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #7  
Old 08-09-2014, 07:10 PM
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Suzanne Suzanne is offline
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I could just squeeze you, all of you my first day on this site, and already, I've had that "OMGoodness, you too!?!" Moment. What a validating feeling.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you ladies other than, I found myself nodding in agreement.

My husband and I dated another couple. The *He* was my boyfriend, and the *she* was my husbands girlfriend. She and I also dated for a short time, but that was very complicated for many of the same reasons mentioned in this thread. While she and I weren't each other's main focus, it WAS fun to be flirty and sexy and be able to gush and yes, vent about our husbands and boyfriends.

However, when lines begin to overlap, and stories are shared in 2nd\3rd person, things get messy, feelings get hurt, even with the best of intentions.

Hugs,
Suzanne
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