I see that once again, imprecise use of language has bitten me in the soft, tender parts. Let me clarify a little of this, because you make some interesting points.
The above sentence is what stands out for me. I find it the most interesting in everything you wrote. What do you mean when you say "despite or because of" the events that transpired that you "still" love her? That would imply that her circumstance might merit some reason not to love her, wouldn't it? When you love someone, don't you love them no matter what? Or do you think there are reasons that you would voluntarily take your love away?
This wasn't the clearest thing I've ever written, that's for sure. My intent was not to state that the shit going on in her life is reason not to love her. It's something she's experiencing, not who she is. She will never stop being her, or deserving my love and affection, just because her ex is a monster and is making her life hell.
My intent was to state that this situation has put huge pressures on her and on the relationship, and those pressures have resulted in us becoming closer, instead of splitting us apart. I've had a chance to see the strong stuff she is made of, and how much she's willing to endure and sacrifice in the name of protecting her children. That has deepened my appreciation of her character immeasurably. She has found her own deeper reasons for being with me as well, through all this, but I'm not going to speak for her.
So, what are you doing to address this codependency? What ways do you think you can go about resolving it?
First and foremost, learning as much about codependency as I can. Reading. Blogging so I can process what I'm reading. I don't care if anybody reads them; they're for me. Examining every thought that comes into my head about my relationships, and issuing corrections when I find myself thinking in unhealthy ways. And most importantly, I'm working to resolve my self-esteem issues. Weaning myself from the constant need for others' support requires me to think accurately and supportively about myself. I need to *know* I'm someone good and desirable - it should be the first thought that comes up, not the one that I substitute after squashing the first one.
Wow. That's... wow. It is extremely important that you realized this and admitted it, but I think even more important (and urgent!) that you unravel it. How is it even possible that you would think of yourself when a loved one is in such turmoil and upheaval? I cannot fathom that kind of thinking... Is that something from a deepseated feeling of loss, a childhood thing, or old relationship issues? If you seek counseling, this is something not to be ignored, certainly.
It's because it's not thinking at all, but rather my initial gut reaction. Thinking is the process that allows me to override that reaction with something more realistic. For what it's worth, I have been working with an excellent therapist for the past year and a half...I fully agree that this is not something to be ignored, but it's a symptom. I need to dig down to the root of the problem.
To answer your question - I suspect that there must have been something very important that I didn't get from a caretaker figure when I was a child. Some need that wasn't filled. No idea what it was just yet. I've only in the last few days identified that this feeling exists or is a source of my distress. You're hearing about a work in progress, remember.
I also wonder why your so focused on "how to be happy" when someone needs you. Not that you don't deserve happiness, but we can't be happy every day, and certainly not during times of crisis. Satisfaction, feeling grounded, yes, but "I want to be happy" when someone you love is having her world torn apart? I thinkl your focus is very, very off kilter.
I never said I want to be happy, at this moment in my life, despite Jane's crushing personal crisis. I said I need to learn how to be happy without a constant input of positive energy from others. I believe you're reading more about my expectations in the current situation into this than I intended.
This (above) sounds like someone who enters into relationships mostly for what he can get out of them. So, what do you give?
Companionship. Someone to re-experience her favorite movies with. A willing ear and a ready shoulder. A break, for those few hours a week we can be together, from the cesspool she's swimming in. Someone who believes her and understands she didn't create her current situation, when almost everyone else in her world wants to blame her. Love. Affection. Respect. A reliable, loyal friend who means what he says and says what he means. Gratitude for sharing her precious time on this earth with me.
What else do you want to know? That judgement above sounded a little harsh.