The Second Start

polytriad

New member
The second start

Hello all,

My wife and I started having a NSA physical relationship with one of my old friends (female) it started developing into more then that very fast which we all acknowledged but didnt dont anything to slow down. It ended as fast as it started due to some issue my wife and I had to work out.

Needless to say my wife and I both had/have strong feeling for our sweet sweet Nikki. My wife has always looked at being with women as just a sexual thing until Nikki and has never thought of having a emotional relationship with a female. During the "abrupt" ending of our NSA that started to not be so NSA Nikki and I had sex with the understanding that my wife and I were done....."Wrong" my wife felt betrayed and reverted back to women are for sex and men suck.

I'm happy to say we worked thing out. I confessed that I talked Nikki into sex under the premises my wife and I were done ... I mean come on she moved out...I told her that Nikki was really only trying to comfort me. With time and communication we were able to get past all that because we were all friends prior to out NSA dealings.

Ok that is the backround....now to the second start question...

We (my wife nikki and I) have decided to give the triad another shot with a new understanding and a new approach to pace and communication.

The current situation is that My wife and Nikki are dating each other and Nikki and I are just friends. they go out on dates and make day plans and once they re-connect and get that spark back between them we will connect all the parts (meaing we will all be together) I am cool with it. I want them to be close because if feel like my wife and I are close and I feel like Nikki and I are close and I think my wife and Nikki should be close as well.


What is your take on this set up? Do you think that its a good Idea. Do you see problems from rising from this situation? How can I give them space without making it seem like I'm being standoffish because I'm jealous or upset (which I'm not)

thank you for reading this whole thing. and thanks for your thoughtful response.
 
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What is your take on this set up?
pretty much my standard answer - if it works for all three of you, then more power to ya!

Do you think that its a good Idea.
It's a Good Idea if it meets the needs of the three of you - nobody else has any right to tell you otherwise, and is just meddling, in my opinion.

Do you see problems from rising from this situation?
Since I don't know the individuals involved that is a very difficult question to answer.

How can I give them space without making it seem like I'm being standoffish because I'm jealous or upset (which I'm not)
OK the answer to this is both simple and complicated. Communicate. And do it a LOT. Make sure that all three of you understand each others hopes and expectations to the point where there is no doubt. A lot of the secret of making this work is developing a trust between you - trusting that you know what the other wants out of it and that they aren't hiding it or leaving out "inconvenient truths".

When you talk about this, work through the logistics of the dynamics of your relationship, including alone time for each of you individually, and as couples different people have different needs and it's important to understand them so you can plan around them.
 
pretty much my standard answer - if it works for all three of you, then more power to ya!

It's a Good Idea if it meets the needs of the three of you - nobody else has any right to tell you otherwise, and is just meddling, in my opinion.

Since I don't know the individuals involved that is a very difficult question to answer.

OK the answer to this is both simple and complicated. Communicate. And do it a LOT. Make sure that all three of you understand each others hopes and expectations to the point where there is no doubt. A lot of the secret of making this work is developing a trust between you - trusting that you know what the other wants out of it and that they aren't hiding it or leaving out "inconvenient truths".

When you talk about this, work through the logistics of the dynamics of your relationship, including alone time for each of you individually, and as couples different people have different needs and it's important to understand them so you can plan around them.

Where my concern is, is that all of the separate relationships could create an issue in making it to the "goal" of being in one relationship with the three of us. I feel like we should be doing it all together. Even though I am ok with the status quoe It just feels like there will be problems with connecting as on unit if so much time is being dedicated to the separation.
 
Where my concern is, is that all of the separate relationships could create an issue in making it to the "goal" of being in one relationship with the three of us. I feel like we should be doing it all together. Even though I am ok with the status quoe It just feels like there will be problems with connecting as on unit if so much time is being dedicated to the separation.
Well, do the three of you share that goal? If so, then you will all be working toward that. how to find out? Talk about it! If you do not all share that goal, then it's going to be a frustrating struggle to make it happen.

Most people feel better to least each relationship develop as it will - organically if you like. You have four relationships that can each develop - the ones between each pairing (3) and the one of the three of you together - spending time to nurture each of these and to see what they can be is very important. I would advise against trying to make it fit some mold or pre-conceived idea if you can. Let it be whatever it will be.
 
Well, do the three of you share that goal? If so, then you will all be working toward that. how to find out? Talk about it! If you do not all share that goal, then it's going to be a frustrating struggle to make it happen.

Most people feel better to least each relationship develop as it will - organically if you like. You have four relationships that can each develop - the ones between each pairing (3) and the one of the three of you together - spending time to nurture each of these and to see what they can be is very important. I would advise against trying to make it fit some mold or pre-conceived idea if you can. Let it be whatever it will be.

WOW...I totally get that. I feel so much better after reading that. Thanks. You are quite wise.
 
The only concern i would have , is what happens if they don't reconnect in that way? You did say that they've been going on dates, so maybe that reconnection has happened already, but you seemed to indicate that they are trying to figure that part out.
 
Missing ?

Hello Poly,

I'm left with one question bothering me.
What's the REAL connection with you and your wife ?
Just something about the fact that there were serious enough issues between you two for her to MOVE OUT tells me there's more to the story here. Something seems missing ?
Was that radical move ALL about Nicki ?
My instinct (only that) says no. But I suppose it's possible. People have been know to take all manner of radical action in a fit of anger.
But I think you have to look deep into that - not for any of us on a forum - but for yourselves.

Good luck - a happy triad can be a wonderful thing.

GS
 
The only concern i would have , is what happens if they don't reconnect in that way? You did say that they've been going on dates, so maybe that reconnection has happened already, but you seemed to indicate that they are trying to figure that part out.

Well it seems as though they have connected in that way but since this is my wifes first "feelings" relationship she doesnt know when is when. Since Nikki has already be in a girl girl relationship she is just moving a the pace of the slowest common denominator(my wife) As far as if they don't connect then I dont know because I am in love with nikki and I dont know how I would handle that. I dont want to resent my wife for preventing us from being together yet I dont want to upset my wife by being with nikki without her.

Hello Poly,

I'm left with one question bothering me.
What's the REAL connection with you and your wife ?
Just something about the fact that there were serious enough issues between you two for her to MOVE OUT tells me there's more to the story here. Something seems missing ?
Was that radical move ALL about Nicki ?
My instinct (only that) says no. But I suppose it's possible. People have been know to take all manner of radical action in a fit of anger.
But I think you have to look deep into that - not for any of us on a forum - but for yourselves.

Good luck - a happy triad can be a wonderful thing.

GS

Well there is more to the story of her moving out. We were on a "trial separation" She wasnt sure how we could be separated if we lived together. I told her I wasnt on board.. she left anyway but it seems like it was something more to prove a point.
 
Update!

Hello all and thank you for your input thus far.

So as you know My wife and Nikki are dating (or together) or whatever you wanna call it at this point:confused:

Nikki recently moved in with us because her living situation imploded. NOT because it was a "lets move in together step"

Since I am not involved in their relationship currently I try to keep my distance and try not involve myself in any of their relationship dealings. However I feel like with me being there and around them all the time that I get pulled in or they will think about how I will feel about something before they do it. And the whole reason why I'm not involved is so they don't have to feel that way.

Today I suggested in the best interest of meeting our goal (which is to all be in a "triad" relationship" that I could stay with a friend for a few weeks so they could have a time to focus on connecting with each other. Like I said in my previous post My wife and I have a connection Nikki and I have a connection but My wife and Nikki don't.

What is your take on this solution?
 
Have you and your wife actually worked out the issues that lead up to your trial separation and her moving out? Were they because of Nikki or was she just caught in the cross-fire of a larger issue? Either way, those issues need to be resolved between you and your wife alone before trying to make something successful with a third.

Nikki recently moved in with us because her living situation imploded. NOT because it was a "lets move in together step"

My experience has been that this is never a good idea. Moving in with someone magnifies all the problems that have been lurking beneath the surface. All the couples I've known who have been "forced" into living together prematurely have found the pressure too great, and they either broke up, or moved back into separate homes to keep the peace.

What would Nikki do about her living situation if you guys weren't in her life? Staying with you can be a temporary solution while she gets back on her feet but may not be a viable permanent solution to her housing crisis. And if they aren't already clicking, moving in together will only magnify each other's flaws ("I can't stand the way Nikki leaves her hair in the sink" "I'm sick of Wifey always nagging me to clean up my room" etc)

Since I am not involved in their relationship currently I try to keep my distance and try not involve myself in any of their relationship dealings.

If you're all living under the same roof, how could you NOT get involved in their relationship?? You love your wife, you love Nikki, and whatever happens between them is going to have an affect on you. If they have a lover's spat, how will wife, to whom you've made a life long commitment, feel if you refuse to support her, for fear of upsetting Nikki?

Today I suggested in the best interest of meeting our goal (which is to all be in a "triad" relationship"

Be honest: is this "our goal" or "my goal" ? Has your wife expressed a true desire, FOR HERSELF, to be emotionally involved with Nikki, or is she forcing herself into something in order to please you?

so they could have a time to focus on connecting with each other. Like I said in my previous post My wife and I have a connection Nikki and I have a connection but My wife and Nikki don't.

I don't feel that people can force romance if it's just "not there." If two people are meant to be together, then hell and high water can't keep them apart. I don't see your moving out making any difference in the chemistry between them. Meanwhile, by trying to fall in love with someone she has no connection to, she might be missing out on another woman that could drive her heart wild! Is that really what you want for her, just so you can have this poly version of the white-picket-fence?
 
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Have you and your wife actually worked out the issues that lead up to your trial separation and her moving out? Were they because of Nikki or was she just caught in the cross-fire of a larger issue? Either way, those issues need to be resolved between you and your wife alone before trying to make something successful with a third.


Fortunately my wife and I took time away from any outside relationships to work on "us" (her and I) which I feel like we had great success with. Nikki was caught in the cross fire of the larger issue. But was put in the direct line of fire when her and I got sexually involved the night after Wifey moved out. Wifey felt betrayed by Nikki for having sex with me instead of looking out for her as a friend.


My experience has been that this is never a good idea. Moving in with someone magnifies all the problems that have been lurking beneath the surface. All the couples I've known who have been "forced" into living together prematurely have found the pressure too great, and they either broke up, or moved back into separate homes to keep the peace.

What would Nikki do about her living situation if you guys weren't in her life? Staying with you can be a temporary solution while she gets back on her feet but may not be a viable permanent solution to her housing crisis. And if they aren't already clicking, moving in together will only magnify each other's flaws ("I can't stand the way Nikki leaves her hair in the sink" "I'm sick of Wifey always nagging me to clean up my room" etc)

Well....the only thing that really changed as far as her moving in is that she actually has her things at our house now. She was always at our house..it was like we never did anything with out her before she moved in anyway. Also because her and I have be friend for so long we don't have any issues lurking beneath the surface everything is up front. I think Wifey and Nikki have been friends long enough to know about the others pet peeves..but this situation is temporary until she can save up money to get her own place. however we all acknowledge that the situation could change and she might just end up living with us on a permanent basis.




If you're all living under the same roof, how could you NOT get involved in their relationship?? You love your wife, you love Nikki, and whatever happens between them is going to have an affect on you. If they have a lover's spat, how will wife, to whom you've made a life long commitment, feel if you refuse to support her, for fear of upsetting Nikki?

Well I try to not make comments and not pay attention enough to notice anything that would prompt me to say anything. If they have a lovers spat I would choose to let them work it out and if they asked for my input Id offer it and Im secure enough in my relationship with both to point out who I think is wrong or right.



Be honest: is this "our goal" or "my goal" ? Has your wife expressed a true desire, FOR HERSELF, to be emotionally involved with Nikki, or is she forcing herself into something in order to please you?

Years ago when I thought of this idea I know she was only doing it for me because she didn't have romantic feelings for the person I had in mind (who we had a brief triad with) Her words "I don't know what it is about Nikki but she would be the only person I would be truly interested in having a triad with where I would be doing it for me rather then just you" Problem was that she didnt know what it felt like to have romantic feelings for a woman where as she only previously was interested in the sexual aspect of things with women. So to answer you question more directly no I don't think she is doing this to please me.




I don't feel that people can force romance if it's just "not there." If two people are meant to be together, then hell and high water can't keep them apart. I don't see your moving out making any difference in the chemistry between them. Meanwhile, by trying to fall in love with someone she has no connection to, she might be missing out on another woman that could drive her heart wild! Is that really what you want for her, just so you can have this poly version of the white-picket-fence?

They are not forcing romance. A better way of describing it is Wifey doesn't know how to "be with" a woman so she is trying to figure all that out without having me influencing her to be with Nikki how I as a man would be with Nikki. Nikki doesn't want to come on too strong and a run Wifey off. I believe Wifey is head over heals with Nikki and doesn't know how to partition her love for me and Nikki and them dating helps her see how I respond to it and how Nikki responds to it. I know we all have the poly white picket fence in mind for our future. Our live are already integrated.. kids, family, lifestyle, friends, finances,...etc..

My moving out for a while was more directed at how I can give them space to grow without feeling any pressure from me. an example would be if PDA was said to be ok in front of kids and you was givin the option to choose to kiss or hug in front of kids or without them around the choice would be with out them around even though PDA was ok in front. Same thing applies to me I know that I am ok with everything they do but they have to stop to think about it if I am sitting there which hinders their progress.

Thank you for you input.
 
I think I have a better understanding of your situation now, thank you.

But another possibility for them growing their relationship is to actually spend less time together. "Absense makes the heart grow fonder" and all that...

Is there really a "way to be" with a woman as a woman that's intrinsically different than the "way to be" with a woman as a man? I've always just been "who I am" when in a relationship, and gone with the flow. If she takes some cues on how to be with Nikki by seeing how you are with Nikki, and vice-versa (Nikki seeing how you are with Wifey), then you'll all learn things about each other that you might not learn if you try to keep the distance.

But I'm no expert, and if what you're doing is working for your family, then that's what really matters. I just always feel that if something's not working for me, I don't just "do it harder" but I try to do something completely different...
 
Help!

My Wife and Nikki are cuddled up on the sofa while I am sitting in my lazy-boy. I'm losing it people. I know I said I was cool with them dating without me but I want in soooooo bad I wanna cuddle I want to hug and kiss them...I have to sit her and watch them do all this right in front of me as I wish it was me doing those things.


What do I do? If I try to talk to them about it I will have gone back on my word. I want this to work I want them to want me involved without me bringing it up....HELP..I need to be talked off the ledge....I'M REALLY LOSING IT....:eek:
 
What do I do? If I try to talk to them about it I will have gone back on my word. I want this to work I want them to want me involved without me bringing it up....HELP..I need to be talked off the ledge....I'M REALLY LOSING IT....
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If watching is too much stimulus for you...why are you watching it? Why are you in the room? If it's such a temptation, remove yourself.

My wife and I mostly date separately...I deliberately put space between her gf’s and I, even if I might otherwise be interested in them as well. As such if they’re on the couch being affectionate, I’ll usually be somewhere else.
Go to another room to write on the boards, call a buddy to go for a beer, find some work to do in the yard or another room...go have a cold shower, have a nap. Whatever. Do something, and give them their space.

One thing I think poly is often criticized for (rightly or wrongly) is a lack of self control. The wanting cake and eating it too is seen as a lack of discipline. Those who live (successfully) monogamous lives deny themselves other partners. They exercise the patience and discipline required to make sure they don’t enter a new relationship or behave inappropriately if they’re already in one. While poly may offer a different perspective on when one can enter into a new relationship, it doesn’t mean patience, self-control or discipline is any less important.

If I understand correctly, you’ve made an agreement to allow them space to develop a relationship on their own terms before you’re brought back into the fold. Why endanger that? Is one night of cuddling worth risking the longer term happiness of all three of you? Be patient, honour your word, and talk about it later.
Probably 6 hours late, but there’s my suggestion.
 
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If watching is too much stimulus for you...why are you watching it? Why are you in the room? If it's such a temptation, remove yourself.

My wife and I mostly date separately...I deliberately put space between her gf’s and I, even if I might otherwise be interested in them as well. As such if they’re on the couch being affectionate, I’ll usually be somewhere else.
Go to another room to write on the boards, call a buddy to go for a beer, find some work to do in the yard or another room...go have a cold shower, have a nap. Whatever. Do something, and give them their space.

One thing I think poly is often criticized for (rightly or wrongly) is a lack of self control. The wanting cake and eating it too is seen as a lack of discipline. Those who live (successfully) monogamous lives deny themselves other partners. They exercise the patience and discipline required to make sure they don’t enter a new relationship or behave inappropriately if they’re already in one. While poly may offer a different perspective on when one can enter into a new relationship, it doesn’t mean patience, self-control or discipline is any less important.

If I understand correctly, you’ve made an agreement to allow them space to develop a relationship on their own terms before you’re brought back into the fold. Why endanger that? Is one night of cuddling worth risking the longer term happiness of all three of you? Be patient, honour your word, and talk about it later.
Probably 6 hours late, but there’s my suggestion.

I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate your suggestions. My problem is that if I get up and leave the room or go somewhere else that will then prompt questions. Such as why I'm leaving and in the essence of being honest I would tell them....thus making me go back on my word and making me look like I cant handle it.

I just endured and did my best to not let it show that I was feeling left out.

Thanks for talking me down :cool:
 
Such as why I'm leaving and in the essence of being honest I would tell them....thus making me go back on my word and making me look like I cant handle it.

I don't see how open honest communication about your feelings in a situation is going back on your word. Did you promise not to say anything or did you promise not to act on anything?

I wouldn't recommend making promises that involve you having to sit on your feelings and not communicate.
 
I don't see how open honest communication about your feelings in a situation is going back on your word. Did you promise not to say anything or did you promise not to act on anything?

I wouldn't recommend making promises that involve you having to sit on your feelings and not communicate.

I committed that I was OK with them dating without me. I agreed to letting them work on building their relationship without my involvement physically and emotionally. Now I have to be coy about my feelings and not bring any light on my longing to be involved. I told them I could handle it for the greater good. Its getting harder and harder each day.
 
I committed that I was OK with them dating without me. I agreed to letting them work on building their relationship without my involvement physically and emotionally. .

You can't commit to the changes in your emotions. That is an unfair requirement that you have put on yourself. Things change - that is guranteed. If they are "comitted" to doing this in a respectful and healthy way then they will understand that.
 
I committed that I was OK with them dating without me. I agreed to letting them work on building their relationship without my involvement physically and emotionally. Now I have to be coy about my feelings and not bring any light on my longing to be involved. I told them I could handle it for the greater good. Its getting harder and harder each day.

Not being involved in their relationship isn't the same as not being authentic with your feelings. You *do* have a relationship with your wife and that doesn't disappear in this dynamic.

I would suggest a couple of things. First it's very difficult to commit to *feeling* a specific way. You can't really say "I promise to be happy". You can say "I promise that I'll deal with any feelings that come up in "x" way"

If it were me, I'd say something like "I promise to honor your relationship and give you as much space as I can. If difficult feelings arise in this, I promise to deal with them as best I can, but I might need support from you as I do this. I also hope in this promise that you will honor my feelings and offer me space to communicate my feelings and support as I deal with them."

Second, I would *never* make a promise that involves asking anyone in a relationship to sit on, bottle up or otherwise not communicate their feelings. I've never seen good come from setting an expectation that someone suppress their feelings in a relationship.

Just my two cents there.
 
Not being involved in their relationship isn't the same as not being authentic with your feelings. You *do* have a relationship with your wife and that doesn't disappear in this dynamic.

I have brought this up before with just my wife. She took it as I was trying to rush them. She accused me of being unable to deal with them being involved without me when in reality I was just stating that I though that because they are both very passive and I am "thoughtfully aggressive" That I thought it might be a good idea to include me in the relationship as I could help them get over there passive struggles. Also telling her that I wouldn't take it the wrong way if they wanted to tell me I was moving too fast if I was involved giving them a since of ease knowing that they could still move at a comfortable pace.

I would suggest a couple of things. First it's very difficult to commit to *feeling* a specific way. You can't really say "I promise to be happy". You can say "I promise that I'll deal with any feelings that come up in "x" way"

If it were me, I'd say something like "I promise to honor your relationship and give you as much space as I can. If difficult feelings arise in this, I promise to deal with them as best I can, but I might need support from you as I do this. I also hope in this promise that you will honor my feelings and offer me space to communicate my feelings and support as I deal with them."

Second, I would *never* make a promise that involves asking anyone in a relationship to sit on, bottle up or otherwise not communicate their feelings. I've never seen good come from setting an expectation that someone suppress their feelings in a relationship.

Just my two cents there.

I really like the way you put this. This is exactly how I feel.

I am overly concerned that I will bring things up and they will decide to include me on the basis that I am consistently having issues instead of just wanting to include me because they are ready.
 
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