Hi

LavenderBlue

New member
Hi everyone,

I've read some posts on this forum a few times over the past several years but as my former spouse (together 13 years, now divorced) was not open to the idea of an open relationship, I gave up.

Am now in a domestic partnership (since two years) with my soulmate. I didn't believe in this concept until I met them. We click on every level, are so similar, and I started seeing life in color since we've been together.

We have always had open and good communication since the beginning, but things are getting complicated with my new feelings for a mutual friend. That's why I'm back. Not sure I am poly but am quite sure I'm not comfortable with romantic monogamy, even if I want to be.
 
Hi LavenderBlue,

I'm pretty new to the forums myself and you've probably been thinking about polyamory for longer than I have. I feel that transitioning to polyamory from a monogamous relationship with a romantic third already in mind can be difficult if it is not taken slowly. How do you feel about opening up to your partner a chat about doing monogamy for life and whether he thinks society has got that whole "for life" thing down wrong given we now live till 80 instead of 40?

There's been a few people on the forum lately who have said that asking for an open relationship can be devastating to your partner. On the one hand, you can argue that you are just being honest with your feelings. On the other hand, if you actually know that they will not agree to non monogamy, then you may feel that you are merely unloading your guilt onto them and causing them significant mental grief. I feel it's best done with no romantic other in mind, but would not encourage you to lie about your feelings for your current romantic third just to spare his feelings. Do you know how your partner may react to asking about an open relationship?

There are many ways you can bring up the situation. One cheeky way might be to get your partner to somehow watch polyamory: Married and dating with you. It's a TV series you can probably google for free episodes. See what he thinks after watching.

I had a bunch of other links here including recommended books to opening up and other such resources, most of which I'm sure you've probably seen already.

Good luck,
Shaya.
 
Welcome to the forum! Glad that you're in a happy place!! I have to say my boyfriend makes me feel that same way. That it was the relationship I was meant for. It's good when we all move towards what makes us happy.
 
Greetings LavenderBlue,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have decided you identify as nonmonogamous, but remain undecided about polyamory. I hope Polyamory.com can help you come to a decision on that point. Let us know of any questions you may have, or what may help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you for the warm welcome, Kevin, Lea, and Shaya! It's nice to officially be here as a member.

Shaya, you raised a lot of good points. My current partner is everything and more that I've ever dreamed of, which is why I'm surprised I have a crush on our friend. (The friend is NOT someone who I want to be with for the rest of my life, but I enjoy our time together and wouldn't mind exploring things sexually.) I wish I didn't feel this way, tbh. The friend has made it abundantly clear to both me and my partner that they are into me (without knowing how I feel), which of course makes things a bit awkward.

My partner and I have always had a very open an honest relationship about our fantasies, which are certainly non-vanilla and have involved other people. I guess both I and they didn't expect that there would be interest in someone else for quite some time, as we are such a good fit that we rarely fantasize about anyone other than each other (which is a first for both of us).

We're both scared of the idea of never sleeping with anyone else for the rest of our lives, so non-monogamy is something my partner is not opposed to at all. Partner's even been in a poly relationship before (although it was the other primary who had someone else on the side). That relationship didn't end well, as the other primary was dishonest about the number of others.
 
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