Opening up...

NewHusband

New member
Six months ago my wife and I were fighting all the time and headed for divorce. After some counseling and work on both our parts we began to work through some past hurts and problems we have had for 5+ years. Three months ago my wife and I sat down for a long talk and worked out some big issues. As part of that conversation we opened our marriage and started down the road to something new. By the way, she also told me that she is bi and has been hiding it most of her life.

All that to say, hi. I'm new here and looking for advice and new friends to talk to. People who understand where I am in life and what I'm going through. Feel free to say hello, especially if you are in the Seattle area.
 
Welcome!

It's my understanding that Seattle is a particularly poly-friendly area. :)
 
Welcome!

Seattle has a poly meetup group: http://www.meetup.com/Seattle-Polyamory/

And I think the poly potluck still happens at the Center for Sex Positive Culture: http://thecspc.org/

Disclaimer - I haven't been involved in either of these for years, but attended both when I first started out and people were very helpful. :)

My only advice at this point is that if you're only 6 months out from big relationship problems, go very very slowly and make sure the existing relationship is truly healthy before you start adding more people to the mix.

Good luck! :)
 
I don't have anything specific I'm looking for advice on at this point, just general pointers. Maybe some insight that comes from wisdom.
Maybe a little more info will help people know how to advise me.

1 until May of this year I had no ideamy wife was bi, that she wanted to have sex with other people and the real depth of problems we had had in our past.

2 my wife already has another man in her life. We talked about him and while it doesn't bother me that she hangs out with him or talks to him. My biggest hang up is that after talking about it all and agreeing that she won't have sex with him till we have worked out a lot more things he seems to be waiting in the wings for me to be ok with it all and she seems just fine waiting till I'm ok, but on the same hand is simply waiting to have sex with him. She asides me that its only about and and having fun, but its really hard for me to let that go and not freak out about it.

3 sex is a big deal for me and not hardly at all for her. Finding something that works for both of us is hard. I feel like I end up waiting for her to be ready a lot and just never being sure how things are going to go or when we might next have sex. I'm finding it very hard to branch out and find people to talk to or be more than just casual friends with, while she has a fairly sizable group of females that are bi and poly to talk to and basically everything besides meeting up to have sex.

Both of us come from complicated family situations and both of us have grown up in sheltered and oppressive families. We are both working on our own issues and working through some issues that we got into when we were first married. I fully realize we need to take it slow, but I would also love some insight and guidance along the way. Thanks in advance everybody.
 
morethantwo.com
check out the golden nuggets page on here

read through some of the blogs-lots of real life info there

check out the "general poly' page-lots of info there

go meet some people in Seattle-BIG group there. Several actually-and if you link in with someone they should be able to direct you to the private facebook group for the area as well.

http://hub.yourtakeonromance.com/hub/polyring?rd=n
http://www.meetup.com/Seattle-Polyamory/
http://www.meetup.com/Seattle-Poly-Professionals/
http://polyweekly.com/resources/seattle-poly-resources/
 
3 sex is a big deal for me and not hardly at all for her. Finding something that works for both of us is hard. I feel like I end up waiting for her to be ready a lot and just never being sure how things are going to go or when we might next have sex. I'm finding it very hard to branch out and find people to talk to or be more than just casual friends with, while she has a fairly sizable group of females that are bi and poly to talk to and basically everything besides meeting up to have sex.

.

I find this interesting. What are you guys looking for in poly? I am a very sexual person and enjoy being with both nudge and j...will it be bothersome to you if you get less sex than you like from your wife, but she is with other people? though i guess the flip side of that is that you'll be with other people too
 
I'm not sure exactly where I am on the mono/poly spectrum, but she has never been fulfilled with just one person in any aspect of life. After talking we agreed to open up and grow together.
Sexually speaking we are kinda mismatched. I would love to be having sex about 3-4 times a week, most ever week and feel secure knowing it was going to happen. In contrast she likes to wing it and just see day to day. Some weeks she's wanting to go like three days in a row and other weeks we done have sex at all. On top of that she doesn't know or have any way to let me know if its even on the table day to day, much less days ahead.
Saying all that, yes, I would be really pissed if she was having sex with somebody new and neglecting me. I'm finding it really hard to find anybody new to talk to, hang out with or start a relationship with.
 
I'm not sure exactly where I am on the mono/poly spectrum, but she has never been fulfilled with just one person in any aspect of life. After talking we agreed to open up and grow together.
Sexually speaking we are kinda mismatched. I would love to be having sex about 3-4 times a week, most ever week and feel secure knowing it was going to happen. In contrast she likes to wing it and just see day to day. Some weeks she's wanting to go like three days in a row and other weeks we done have sex at all. On top of that she doesn't know or have any way to let me know if its even on the table day to day, much less days ahead.
Saying all that, yes, I would be really pissed if she was having sex with somebody new and neglecting me. I'm finding it really hard to find anybody new to talk to, hang out with or start a relationship with.

Id suggest doing some readign and research and try to figure out what you want, do you want sex (swinging), relationships with or without sex (poly), etc? And make sure she knows you'll be pissed about the sex thing ;) There are always speed bumps, but conversation can avoid some of them
 
I'd second RainyGrlJenny - my husband has been to a couple of the meetups through there (there are other meetups, a new one in North Seattle I think, some people living in the South end do some stuff too), and we went to one potluck at the CSPC. Not sure if you're an introvert or extrovert - I did not like the potluck, I'm pretty shy, I think the meetups would be fine even for me solo though. He came out of them with an invite to a board game group and met some nice people with similar interests. I do believe that networking and making friends is most useful for finding people to talk to/ask advice from as well as date, and it seems kinda vital here in the Seattle area.

I'm always open to answering questions or whatnot about poly too - feel free to PM me if you have any random shit to ask about anything :rolleyes:
 
Okcupid

I live in Idaho but I'm getting matched with lots of poly profiles from Seattle on okcupid. You might try that as well as the meetups already suggested. Based on the numbers there, you're bound to find a few connections on that site, it is poly friendly.
 
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Sexually speaking we are kinda mismatched. I would love to be having sex about 3-4 times a week, most ever week and feel secure knowing it was going to happen. In contrast she likes to wing it and just see day to day. Some weeks she's wanting to go like three days in a row and other weeks we done have sex at all.

Well, you know that women cycle and are more horny around ovulation? So, that one week or so per month is maybe when she's more interested than other times?

Has she always had a lower sex drive than you? I mean, it is common for many people once past the first year or two to have less sex. But sometimes things shake out that one partner continues to have a higher libido than the other. Poly can help with this!

Saying all that, yes, I would be really pissed if she was having sex with somebody new and neglecting me.

This is a tough one. Some poly people do have more sex with their newer OSO than with the original partner.

This can be an ongoing problem that needs a lot of openness, and respectful discussion. I know it hurts to feel rejected sexually. A lot.
 
On top of that she doesn't know or have any way to let me know if its even on the table day to day, much less days ahead.

You want a sex calendar? That sounds romantic :p

Saying all that, yes, I would be really pissed if she was having sex with somebody new and neglecting me. I'm finding it really hard to find anybody new to talk to, hang out with or start a relationship with.

Honestly, get used to being pissed if she is taking on a new lover. Consider for a second how likely it is that you would want to have sex with someone you are hot and bothered for, all tied up in puppy love... pretty likely, right? Would you even want to have sex with them to a higher degree than this person you've been shagging 3-4 times per week for the past X years?

The answer is, hell yes!! That is one of the joys of polyamory, you get to enjoy the unbridled pleasures of new love while still having the love for the person you had before. It's a best of both worlds sort of scenario.

It *does* have the drawback of leaving your other partner perhaps less satisfied than they would prefer... at least for a period of time. But hey, that's what masturbation and other lovers are for!
 
it's not just the number of times sex happens per week

and I can completely relate to the being pissed off about desiring more sex and having a partner you were previously committed to getting sex somewhere else, but it is exactly that type of attitude which makes it hard if not impossible to go from monogamy to non, without it being the end of the relationship.

It's my belief that the main reason is because one person is not comfortable communicating their honest desires and emotions

The sex thing is not just about having sex so many times a week, you could be having sex three or four times a day and it doesn't make the desire for sex with another person go away

Since that seems to be the case, it might prevent a whole lot of heart ache if your wife knew what kind of relationships would satisfy those desires to the extent pre-occupation with those thoughts would not cause problems in your marriage.

The good thing is that you and your wife have already cleared the hardest hurdle to living a satisfied life, you have chosen to not fear reality and you can at least talk about your honest emotions.

What exact meaning those emotions have is something only you and the parties involved will be able to interpret. Sex, lust , and love are not the only emotions that Human beings are prone to withhold and keep secret or otherwise not share.

It's just that they are by far the first emotions that "show their faces" so-to-speak, which is why it both amuses and pisses me off when "poly" people think they are some sort of "enlightened" beings compared to others, esp when it is a common occurrence that those who believe themselves more enlightened is exactly the "flags" the communicate the "one step forward and two steps backs" which to be clear, is saying the picture taken is right after the two steps back are taken.
 
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Consider for a second how likely it is that you would want to have sex with someone you are hot and bothered for, all tied up in puppy love... pretty likely, right? Would you even want to have sex with them to a higher degree than this person you've been shagging 3-4 times per week for the past X years?

The answer is, hell yes!!

Funny. Even when I have a new lover, I do not desire my long term gf any less. She seems to think I "should," and that gets her off the hook for fucking me, but no. I still want her just as bad, no matter if I have fucked one or 2 others multiple times in any given week.

That is one of the joys of polyamory, you get to enjoy the unbridled pleasures of new love while still having the love for the person you had before.

Well, that's the ideal balance. Some people neglect the established lover. Personally I get off on established relationship intimacy as much as, if not more than, NRE.

It *does* have the drawback of leaving your other partner perhaps less satisfied than they would prefer... at least for a period of time. But hey, that's what masturbation and other lovers are for!

Or... maybe even a better scenario: one's partner's NRE is brought home to the established lover and the partner at home gets a turned on person shagging both her lovers madly.
 
Or... maybe even a better scenario: one's partner's NRE is brought home to the established lover and the partner at home gets a turned on person shagging both her lovers madly.

All possibilities; though the common path seems to be that NRE distracts from all other things (including a 'primary' relationship).

Just as long as the OP gets is 3.5 sessions per week, he'll be happy :)
 
Funny. Even when I have a new lover, I do not desire my long term gf any less. She seems to think I "should," and that gets her off the hook for fucking me, but no. I still want her just as bad, no matter if I have fucked one or 2 others multiple times in any given week.

Well, that's the ideal balance. Some people neglect the established lover. Personally I get off on established relationship intimacy as much as, if not more than, NRE.

Or... maybe even a better scenario: one's partner's NRE is brought home to the established lover and the partner at home gets a turned on person shagging both her lovers madly.

This is exactly what happens with both my husband and myself. For example, on Tuesday he came home after sex with his new friend 100 times hornier than ever for me. His desire was amazing and sex was awesome.
 
All possibilities; though the common path seems to be that NRE distracts from all other things (including a 'primary' relationship).

Just as long as the OP gets is 3.5 sessions per week, he'll be happy :)

Sounds to me hes NOT getting it 3.5 times a week....hell, im happy if between my guys I get 4-5 times a week, but i think J would be pretty upset if Nudge got the majority of that and he got the short end of the stick. For me, even if I find its Nudge thats realyl getting me going, I still can turn that energy into wanting play with J
 
i think J would be pretty upset if Nudge got the majority of that and he got the short end of the stick.

Psh, I do what I want with my sex drive. Someone being 'upset' because they aren't getting their fair share needs to realize that life isn't fair... and that I am not a commodity they have stock in.

For me, even if I find its Nudge thats realyl getting me going, I still can turn that energy into wanting play with J

That's a win win for everyone. Hooray for indiscriminate sex drives!!
 
Psh, I do what I want with my sex drive. Someone being 'upset' because they aren't getting their fair share needs to realize that life isn't fair... and that I am not a commodity they have stock in.

How odd.

I understand you only have one lover?

I now live with my gf, and whenever my bf comes over and we have loud sexy times, after he and I are done, he's asleep or gone home or whatever, I make sure to suss out the gf's mood and see if she's also feeling wanty for sex.

This has been my habit ever since I met her. Even before we were living together fulltime, she's always been cool with me having another lover over when she and I were spending time at her or my apartment. The least I felt I could do for her being so supportive of me was to take care of any desires she had, especially if my loud enthusiastic sex inspired her desire.

It's not a burden on me at all! The more sex I have, the more I want. I love to double dip. And she has verbally told she appreciates me taking care of her in this way. :eek:
 
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