Poly-Dating: How to meet like-minded people

I think that the point Hades was trying to make is not WHERE we meet people, but the intentionality of it.

In our experience, when you are saying "OH--I want to meet someone," it has rarely worked out that we meet a person with whom we really connect. It's only when we are just living our lives and doing our thing that we've tended to somehow stumble across the person with whom we feel a connection.

So what Hades is getting at is if you are intentionally seeking a partner does that tend to work out or is it more something that happens?
 
Like others here, I met my gf on OKC. We clicked immediately and have been together for 2 1/2 years.

Since gf is of a younger generation (age 33), brought up on the internet, and very alternative in her makeup and tastes (transgender, pagan, pansexual, kinky, handicapped), and since she is shy, she doesn't meet too many people just in day to day living that would be a good match with her. All of her relationships except for one (unsatisfying emotionally) in high school and one other since (her previous long term partner) were started online.

I also had limited places to find someone after being in a LTR for over 30 years. My vocations as a nanny and florist didn't bring me anyone who was available to date. I've never gone to a bar looking for a hookup.

However, through OKC, the gf and I have formed connections with the local irl poly/kinky/queer community and now do meet new people through the ones we originally met on OKC. No new romances though, just friends. I think when we go out as a couple, people tend to think we are not available, even if they know we are poly.

OKC has brought me a few lovers that turned into LTRs of a few months to 2 years duration. Nothing nearly approaching the intensity of the love I share with the gf though, which is frustrating.
 
Hey Hades,

I get what you are saying and agree to some extent. But where the difference comes in I feel is how you approach it and how you feel.
I think there's a distinct difference between being on a 'quest' (seeking) and just putting yourself in a position where the universe can respond appropriately. If that makes any sense.
I do believe you can distort things via your intention and that's why so many people who are searching (desperate) discover they are wasting tremendous amounts of time and energy to no avail. I don't have a technical explanation for this - or if I did it would sound 'out-there' - but it's a definite observation of my own, my mates, and thousands of other people including many on this board.

On the other hand, deciding you want others in your life and making a step or two to put yourself in a noticeable place I feel is quite different. It's really all in how you attach to it internally and act on it. As others have mentioned, in this age of the 'net', putting yourself on some site is little different than taking a walk on the beach, going to a park, dance etc. It's all about how much it consumes you.

My thoughts anyway.........

GS
 
I think that the point Hades was trying to make is not WHERE we meet people, but the intentionality of it.

In our experience, when you are saying "OH--I want to meet someone," it has rarely worked out that we meet a person with whom we really connect. It's only when we are just living our lives and doing our thing that we've tended to somehow stumble across the person with whom we feel a connection.

So what Hades is getting at is if you are intentionally seeking a partner does that tend to work out or is it more something that happens?

Then in case I didn't answer that - When I was younger I wasn't ever actively seeking to meet a person, and it was always stumbling across them. It would be nice if chance encounters happened now, but they don't seem to for me.

During both the periods I have been actively poly, I have been intentionally open to finding relationships, and more strongly actively seeking friends (which has to be intentional, as I have no luck stumbling into good friendships either). I have not found either of these things anywhere but OKCupid, or a party/event attended by mainly poly people where I expected there might be a chance to meet somebody interesting.
 
It is starting to look like my most successful (relatively) relationships since my separation have been with people I met in the real world, and not online. However, I have met some really cool people online, and gained some good friends/lovers/FWBs from OKC. I am incredibly picky about who I actually meet from there, though, and in the time since I joined -- which is now eight months -- I've only actually met six guys in person, although I've talked, chatted, and emailed with many more than that, and have one guy who is kind of an online friend and I'm not sure if I'll ever actually meet him face to face (though I'd like to!).

I think the dating sites can work if we go into the situation looking at it as an adventure. And we should look at dating in general that way, too, anyway. In other words, let go of expectations that you want to find long-lasting love there, but do embrace the possibility of meeting new and interesting people, and having a good time going out. Take a break for a few days every now and then, and come back to the site(s) fresh. View the dating process as the best part, the fun part, the opportunity to see more of what kind of people are out there, a chance to have fun conversation at the very least. If it develops into more, that's a bonus! It is true that there are lots of dullards, sad sacks, losers, and completely incompatible people out there, and it does get incredibly frustrating sometimes, but hopefully you can screen before meeting. If it doesn't work out, try to see what you gained from it and chalk it off as another learning experience. Then get in the game again, and don't sweat it too much.
 
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My mono (K) and I actually met on eHarmony. I had gotten out of a relationship where I was trying hard to be a good little mono and signed up with some extended deal there. After signing up I realized that I wasn't willing to try at being mono anymore and came to full identify as polly.

I'm pretty sure Dr. Clark (eHarmony guy) would have booted me hurry-up-quick if their gears and whistles flagged me as poly. In any case, a little before that expired, K and I were connected. I would actually advise against eHarmony for polys (though fine for monos) because it doesn't suit the lifestyle. I was just lucky that my transition to no longer kidding myself (about five years ago) was timed in a way that I wound up meeting K, and I'm extra lucky that part of her awesomeness includes being poly-friendly.

Partners since then have been met through getting out, interacting in other activities, and being bold enough to bring it up. Or they're beloveds who I have been separated from by geography but not internally.
 
Meeting people in everyday life that would find poly acceptable a long shot?

I have another thread going about how some of the opposite sex people I meet in casual encounters soon give up contact since they know I am in a relationship.

I mean even just trying to maintain friendship with opposite sex is not that easy.

I DO have a few successes in that field but it's really a long shot...

Am I wrong? Should I be more patient? Should I approach this differently?

I do make it clear that I am allowed to have opposite sex friends within my
couple.

I am asking because I am trying to stay away from the usual bar scene and try to meet everyday girls around my workplace etc...

Thanks!
 
My feeling is that if you are "looking" for people, it tends to not happen. I've had the same issues (and I'm a girl!), and I'm starting to just let it go and instead of looking for people to meet, I'm just trying to get out more, and get more involved with activities I love and eventually I figure I'll meet someone that way.

I see a lot of people come on the board who have opened up their relationship and are now "looking" for someone. And I truly believe that like with most things, you have to let it happen more organically.

You might try getting involved in the local poly scene just to be around like-minded folks and see how that goes...
 
To be honest I am mono (openminded towards poly). Honestly when I talked this over with my guys at work. They seemed really into it. So I am willing to say you would have good luck in a military area. They are gone so much and usually willing to agree to the rules set by a partner. Most of them would welcome a poly relationship.
 
I do make it clear that I am allowed to have opposite sex friends within my couple.

This is an odd statement. If you are looking for friendships only, who would think you are not allowed to have friends? You're an adult, your own person, of course you can make friends! And if you want more than friendship, you just take it slowly and not try to force it.

Here's the way I see it: You are coming across like it's a project. That isn't going to be very appealing to anyone. Your approach must be putting people off because you seem to have an agenda, like collecting toys to have around you.

Whereas, if you just happen to meet someone and genuinely like them, and want to get to know them, you would simply strike up a conversation with them and show your interest. Let it happen organically, not like a big-deal project, which I am sure adds pressure to both you and your prospective friends. I think you need to relax a bit and not worry so much.
 
My feeling is that if you are "looking" for people, it tends to not happen.

It's weird that way, but not only is this a cliche truism, it's often very true.
I met my Faraway Sweetie just as I was stopping my search, and pretty soon we realized that we've got some real potential between us as Sweeties.:p
 
My feeling is that if you are "looking" for people, it tends to not happen.

Yep. My wife and I met when neither of us was looking.

...instead of looking for people to meet, I'm just trying to get out more, and get more involved with activities I love and eventually I figure I'll meet someone that way.

That's how I met my previous partner. And again, I wasn't looking. Somehow, I think people can tell when you're looking, and it puts some people off.
 
Thanks for your replies!

In my life, if I would let things happen, I would still be single. I always put some effort in getting what I want...

I understand the "project" thing and I know it is not like that...even for outsiders.

Right now, I do not want anything too eccentric yet I like to get to meet the girls I like.

Many LTR's would not allow a man to do such a thing I am sure.

I am not "aiming" for anything yet I feel women become more distant from the time they know I have a girlfriend.

I know how to pick up girls. They are not afraid.

Just perhaps they don't know what to do with an outgoing guy that has a girlfriend?
 
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I have another thread going about how some of the opposite sex people I meet in casual encounters soon give up contact since they know I am in a relationship.

I mean even just trying to maintain friendship with opposite sex is not that easy.

I DO have a few successes in that field but it's really a long shot...

Am I wrong? Should I be more patient? Should I approach this differently?

I do make it clear that I am allowed to have opposite sex friends within my
couple.

I am asking because I am trying to stay away from the usual bar scene and try to meet everyday girls around my workplace etc...

Thanks!

It's perverse, frustrating, and very Zen, but I've never, ever found someone when I was looking. It's always when I wasn't looking that the spark lit the tinder and a relationship took off. There's that whole "desperation" vibe that goes with looking, and people pick up on that. It's hard to do, but just be yourself, talk to people, and really, really LISTEN, and sooner or later, you'll strike that spark.

MT
 
Okay, I get the question now. Yes, probably a long shot. If you're looking for someone that you know, up front, is open to poly, it probably won't happen easily. People don't just go around wearing that on their sleeves.
 
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Anyone would like to answer my original question please?

I was asking your original question.. or a question in your original post:

"Am I wrong? Should I be more patient? Should I approach this differently?"

And yes, I think you should approach this differently and yes I think you should be more patient.

I also think approaching people in your workplace is odd. I myself would find it off-putting to be flirted with and approached at work, it's not professional. Plus I'd never date someone from work because if it doesn't work out your workplace is uncomfortable.

If you want to approach people that are open to poly-- you need to approach poly type people at palces where poly people hang out. The average normal, run of the mill individual probably hasn't heard of it and probably will not be comfortable with it. Most of the time non-poly type people only open up to the idea if they meet someone they really click with and develop some feelings for and learn that they are poly. They will sometimes "try it out" because of the feelings they feel for the person. Or, by hearing the idea, it will sound interesting and logical and, why not (poly people who don't know they're poly yet :) )

Also, unfortunately, unless someone has gotten to know you as a person (friend, whatever) first, your proclamation that you are allowed to have relationships with other women will seem creepy. Too many women have had men claim to be single, or in open relationships when in fact they are cheating. It sucks, but it happens a lot. That's why getting to know someone first, and having them get to know and trust you is important.

And, just as a side note and this is only pertaining to ME personally, I don't do well with random people approaching me with the "intent" to date. I need to be around people in another environment, get to know them, hang around them and maybe gain some interest before I'm even open to that sort of thing. Again, just me...
 
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