Wife thinks that I am neglecting her in favour of my secondary. She's right.

"I meant both ....Bf and his wife ...was the wife part of the package from the start or was there an additional readjustment after she was added?"

I only became close with his wife at the start of last year.

"What are you looking for from him?"

Um. A quality romantic relationship and friendship.
 
Because of when she was added time management issues weren't much of a factor for Kinda. My guess is he may not have noticed or if he did he didn't care.

Was the other couple always poly. Did/does the wife have other partners?

I'm assuming you would describe your other 2 relationships as being quality romantic and quality friendships and have also been described as secondary's. Why couldn't you achieve the same quality as you have with the other partners.
I guess the question would be how would you describe the nature or quality of the relationship of the the other 2 partners versus your husband. Is it casual dates and sex once a week or month...or do you spend time everyday, constant phone and text traffic and had a commitment ceremony. That arc is pretty big.

Maybe you are just grieving the loss now. You saw it 3yrs ago slip but had enough distractions not to have to process it. Perhaps being with this other couple who are on the verge of melt down has you looking at your own relationship with hubs differently. What happens if their marriage blows up? Where does it put you...do you have to choose...or continue see them separately?

Now we lost KINDA ..??? what the hell :confused:
I have to say you 2 are very polite to one another on here...not jumping to tell "the real story"...not the typical married couple struggling. Not sure if that's a good sign or a bad.
 
"Was the other couple always poly. Did/does the wife have other partners? "

They've been poly for most of their relationship. His wife doesn't have any other partners.

"I guess the question would be how would you describe the nature or quality of the relationship of the the other 2 partners versus your husband. Is it casual dates and sex once a week or month...or do you spend time everyday, constant phone and text traffic and had a commitment ceremony. That arc is pretty big. "

I know that Kinda doesn't have his heart in our marriage anymore. I believe that my secondary relationships are stronger at the moment. I would prefer things to be the other way around.

I spend around 4-5 days a week with bf and gf. Each meetup lasts one or two hours. There's no constant communication going on.

"What happens if their marriage blows up? Where does it put you...do you have to choose...or continue see them separately?"

I'll most likely remain single.

"Now we lost KINDA ..??? what the hell "

All of the people here hurt his feelings, so he's not going to use this site anymore.

I'm kidding. He's busy with his job. "There's a notable increase in fatal domestic violence during and just after the holidays". That's his excuse. :D

"I have to say you 2 are very polite to one another on here"

We're polite to each other at home too.
 
"Now we lost KINDA ..??? what the hell "

All of the people here hurt his feelings, so he's not going to use this site anymore.

I'm kidding. He's busy with his job. "There's a notable increase in fatal domestic violence during and just after the holidays". That's his excuse. :D.

Well played MrsPod!
 
Are you then assuming your marriage is over ? Being single?

Do you subscribe to the hierarchy of relationships ? Or have you tried to make all three of them more or less equals.
 
I know that Kinda doesn't have his heart in our marriage anymore. I believe that my secondary relationships are stronger at the moment. I would prefer things to be the other way around.

I spend around 4-5 days a week with bf and gf. Each meetup lasts one or two hours. There's no constant communication going on.

I loose interest in my marriage too when my husband is away 4-5 days a week. When it's work related, I have to force myself to work on it even harder, but when it's for personal reasons, I sorta don't see the point. What is Kinda's love language (quality time maybe)? If you want your marriage to change, you may need to find out what those are. It can make a huge difference.
 
"Are you then assuming your marriage is over ? Being single? "

I'm doing everything I can to strengthen our marriage, but if my husband divorces me than I'm okay with being single.

"Do you subscribe to the hierarchy of relationships ? Or have you tried to make all three of them more or less equals. "

I try to treat them equally.

I feel that you made a good point earlier on. There can be a strong element of favouritism even amongst polyamorous relationships where everybody is supposed to be equal. I am most likely more loyal to my husband.

"I loose interest in my marriage too when my husband is away 4-5 days a week."

Kinda is at home everyday.
 
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"I loose interest in my marriage too when my husband is away 4-5 days a week."

Kinda is at home everyday.

I think her point was that if you are spending 4-5 days a week with your other lovers and Kinda is home everyday, it might make sense that he is feeling less committed to your marriage.

I see my boyfriend once a week unless we are all working on a particular project in the workshop. Most of the time it isn't feasible to see him or our girlfriend more often. But they insist that they don't want to take away from our quality time. Even when we were planning our most recent table top game, Wendigo's first question was "when is date night again?" referring to my and Runic Wolf's date night. Are your OSO's committed to promoting the health of your marriage?
 
"I think her point was that if you are spending 4-5 days a week with your other lovers and Kinda is home everyday, it might make sense that he is feeling less committed to your marriage. "

Oh. That makes much more sense.

I used to spend more time with my husband and less time with my OSOs. It used to be around 2 times a week when we first started dating. It slowly increased when Kinda got his girlfriend.

"Are your OSO's committed to promoting the health of your marriage? "

Initially, yes. In the present day, no.

They've become more distant.
 
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I think her point was that if you are spending 4-5 days a week with your other lovers and Kinda is home everyday, it might make sense that he is feeling less committed to your marriage.

Yes, this!

He's home every night, but is he getting "date nights" 4-5 nights a week with you also?
 
"He's home every night, but is he getting "date nights" 4-5 nights a week with you also? "

I've offered more date nights and he rejects me.
 
I'm wondering, if while in NRE, he felt like you only spent time with him out of obligation. Runic Wolf would say that to me occasionally in the early days of our quad, when I didn't have a handle on the NRE (after being poly for years, this was the first relationship I'd been in where there was a fiery burning passion for someone other than him and I hadn't heard of the dangers of NRE at that point.) You say that the nights increased from 2 to 4-5, was that while you were still in NRE or after Mr. got his girlfriend? I can see it being a combination of both, especially if you were in anyway wrapped up in NRE.

From his posts it seems like he took your entire relationship with your OSO(s) to mean that you wanted less of a connection/ commitment to him. So he gave you what he thought you wanted, got a girlfriend AND then you snapped out of NRE. Perhaps because you started getting to know your girlfriend better and became concerned about her relationship with your boyfriend? So now you are reminded that you need/ want to focus on your marriage, but he feels (IMHO) that it's too little too late or even insincere?
 
"You say that the nights increased from 2 to 4-5, was that while you were still in NRE or after Mr. got his girlfriend?"

After my husband got his girlfriend.

I had NRE troubles during the first year of my relationship with my bf. This is one of the reasons why I temporarily broke things off.
 
Counseling did discuss cheating. She said that she didn't do it. I was split 50/50 on the issue. Can't prove it, can't deny it. Only thing left to do was accept that you can't always know everything.

This line of reasoning is fundamentally flawed.

Trust is the cornerstone of a good marriage, or any relationship really. If you're looking for proof, that means you don't trust her.

I found condoms in my husband's glove box. We don't use condoms. I asked him what they were for. He said sometimes he gets bored in the car (he works out of town, drives long hours) and uses them to masturbate. I believe him.

Now that right there is what a judge and jury would call evidence. But if I can't trust my husband not to lie to me about having sex with another woman, then we really don't have any foundation to work from for anything else in our marriage.

I have never caught him in any lie, ever. So I have this question for you: Do you know your wife to be a regular liar? Or is this the only thing that you don't trust her on?

If she doesn't typically lie to you, it might be worthwhile to introspect on why you doubt her now. It could be a manifestation of some other insecurity you have either in the relationship or in yourself. Getting to the root of that might do wonders for your marriage in general.
 
I was asking if their marriage ( bf,gf) blew up/ went south what would happen? Not yours....

I'm little confused ....you treat all your partners equal and yet you want primary status from your husband. Explain how that's fair or reasonable.
 
"I was asking if their marriage ( bf,gf) blew up/ went south what would happen? Not yours...."

Your wording was ambiguous, dinged!

I would stay with my husband and see if I could work things out if possible. If my husband wants to leave me, than once we are more financially secure, he will.

"I'm little confused ....you treat all your partners equal and yet you want primary status from your husband. Explain how that's fair or reasonable."

I try to treat them equally. I fail at that. I'm still biased towards my husband.

I don't know if I want primary status. I just don't like secondary status.
 
Secondary doesn't mean less love, necessarily. Secondary usually means the lover that you don't live with, don't share living expenses and childcare. People that have 2 primaries generally live with both, or neither.

I'm sorry your lover and your h's gf have sucked up so much of your attention for each other as primaries... NRE can be hard to handle.

Regaining intimacy with each other will take work. It sounds like coming to this board for advice was a last chance KindaPOed took to save you marriage. All is not lost.
 
"Secondary doesn't mean less love, necessarily."

It does in our case.

Thank you for your thoughts. I still have hope.
 
"I think her point was that if you are spending 4-5 days a week with your other lovers and Kinda is home everyday, it might make sense that he is feeling less committed to your marriage. "

Oh. That makes much more sense.

I used to spend more time with my husband and less time with my OSOs. It used to be around 2 times a week when we first started dating. It slowly increased when Kinda got his girlfriend.

My husband and I schedule to be at home together at least 2x a week, and try to arrange our dates on somewhat overlapping nights so we aren't always missing each other and failing to have time to connect. It does sound like MrPOd might not be willing to do this now, but it can't hurt to keep that in mind.

Have you considered just...cutting back on the date nights with your other partners and just spending more time at home, even if it's by yourself? If you aren't even around to so he can connect with you if he has the desire to, I don't see that he's getting the chance.

I know it won't feel good sometimes, and it could get you nowhere, but if you do want to try to build a stronger bond with him, you probably have to really show him that you want it AND be available for it to happen. Nurturing the relationship you have with yourself is always a good idea too. Taking time alone for hobbies, introspection, reading, whatever, is something people can forget to put effort into when they get busy with other relationships.

I really have no idea if you cheated on him or not, and I really think he would benefit from putting his feeling about it behind him either way, and trying to start from a clean slate, but since he seems reluctant to do so, I guess you know what you have to work with.

I'm going to recommend a book for you if you haven't read it (just added it to the book and website sticky thread too)
"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.
There are a few things in it that after having read what I have that you and MrPOd have posted, I think would be helpful for your situation, it talks a lot about how men (and women) act when they are hurt, and how women (and men) respond back in a way that turns it into a very unhelpful cycle. Bleh, I'm not describing it well but I'd suggest reading the reviews on amazon and seeing if it sounds like something that would help.
 
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Have you both read sarahfina's thread? Any simliarities to your situation...or points to help start a conversation.

Has anything written here helped the 2 of you in broaching or promoting difficult conversations?

How early or late in your relationship with your bf did you realize that the hierarchy of primary or secondary didn't work ...both were equals? Was that ever talked about?

I thought he ( kinda) wanted to re shape the dynamic and the demands of time, energy, focus to reflect a more casual or secondary relationship....perhaps similar to how yours started out in the beginning dating your bf...minus the nre. once a week or once a month dates or something...reconnect time.

What types of things have the 2 of you done in the past to improve your marriage?.....the book suggestion by Anne triggered this thought/edit
 
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