It's almost funnier, more twisted, blatantly and obviously bizarre, since I haven't posted in between.
Maca and I sat down to talk again this last Sunday regarding what the plans were with the kids for the upcoming holidays. He told me that he isn't pushing for a divorce, hasn't hired a lawyer, that he "had it stuck in his head that it was harder to find someone to date while married," but that "I'm not impressed with the dating scene, anyway." (He has been dating. He's posting about it on FB, which I don't see, but do hear about from the kids. And he's been arranging weekends away.)
Anyway, he also isn't wanting to move out, because he's realized that he can't buy anything right now and to rent a shitty little dive he will pay as much or more than our mortgage.
This isn't news to me (the renting). I was trying to discuss the financial ramifications before, but he wouldn't hear a word I said.
ANYWAY, I stared at him in silence, first of all, to control myself, and be sure I wasn't just being reactionary. But secondly, because I kept thinking "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SWING THE PENDULUM SO FAR, SO FAST, SO MANY TIMES!?"
I messaged him later to point out to him that it is extremely destructive to me, that he refuses to acknowledge my knowledge and expertise in any area. Anything I say is automatically bullshit until someone unrelated and having nothing to do with me says it, as well. It's extremely offensive. I'm sure there must be a term for that somewhere, because it's a twisted form of abuse. I know it is. I can FEEL the emotional and psychological damage it has done to me to have him do that consistently for the last 17 years.
Anyway, I pointed out to him that he has always done it, and its extraordinarily destructive and offensive. He replied with acknowledging that it is something I have complained about throughout our relationship and that he can see how it is destructive. He didn't apologize or admit that it's ACTUALLY happening, just that I have been complaining about it.
But I know it's always happened. It's just important for me to consistently speak up about behaviors that are destructive for me, partly so I remain conscious of them and don't fall into the habit of minimizing them, and also because holding others accountable for how they treat me is one of my weaknesses and naming the inappropriate behaviors and calling them out is part of the process.
I have struggled through a pretty rough, but thankfully short, depression this last month. It's not GONE, but the really low lows have leveled off and that is helpful.
I have scheduled for this weekend to be gone for two nights at a hotel. I am looking forward to the break. I have accepted that one way or another, I need to start making these breaks a priority, because I need them.
I'm struggling along with my classes. It's not going terribly, but it's certainly not the A-level quality my professors are used to. It's really hard to focus when I'm struggling with depression and anxiety and drama at home, not to mention the struggle of working and trying to keep up with the kids stuff too. Suffice it to say, I'm NOT managing to keep up with everything to the level of quality I prefer or am known for. But I haven't dropped the ball and I'm working hard to accept that any sort of progress is still progress.
My supervisor is bidding the position I am in, for more hours (winter time it is only 16-20 hours a week) in a direct effort to give me more work. He likes my work; he likes my ethics. He's been very impressed with my efforts and is definitely making sure to promote me being known by other managerial staff.
It won't be today or tomorrow, but I do think I have a high probability of getting a full-time year-round position with this company. I like the way they treat me. I like the feeling of accomplishment I get when they give me new and different responsibilities and I accomplish them and they praise me for it.
This last week I was asked to go to Human Resources and take a typing test, because, depending on my typing speed, I could be eligible for other office positions. They are interested in having me cover for other employees while they are out sick or on vacation, in a step towards applying for a position when one comes open. I got an 80 wpm raw score and 79 wpm when mistakes were factored.
It's the second highest score they have ever had. I'd just walked in, set my bags down, did the three minute test cold (literally-- it was freezing outside and I walked over there).
Anyway, they were very impressed. It's not rocket science that I'm overqualified for the position I am in. It's getting noticed. But-I don't mind working my way up. I will have earned the respect because they are watching me bust my ass.
I have been dating one person this last year. It's going well. We both are taking a very "solo poly" approach to our romance. It's ironic to me that I have been functionally mono with him. Ironic, because it's not what I was looking for, but I'm getting my needs met and that is more important than the rest of the details.
He has a couple other ladies on his radar and we talk about them. One is long distance, the other is local, but not comfortable with socializing with me. I'm okay with that. I know all about her and she knows all about me. She recently had a baby and she's having a rough go with post partum. I gave him some suggestions in how to deal with her emotions right now because he doesn't have children, but I have been through post partum with severe depression several times over. He seems to have appreciated the information.
I don't have anyone else on my radar. I don't have time, energy or emotional strength to deal with sifting through the wheat/chaff. I am focusing on enjoying my freedom, improving myself, gaining financial independence and settling into a routine that works for me.