I was asked recently how it's going in our house and for some details, so I thought I would sit and write a bit about what our routine used to be and what has changed since Mono moved in.
We used to spend larger chunks of time together. I was most definitely leading a separate life when I went to my OH. Now that has changed a bit in that we are more merged together. Although we likely spend more time together, he and I and all the other configurations also, the time is not as much quality. I miss that. When I went to my OH it was all about me. Mono doted on me hand and foot because he missed me and I wasn't around for large chunks of time. Granted, we were in our NRE. But now I don't get the same type of attention.
Geez! It sounds like I am complaining. I'm not, it's just different. Now I do something in my room and then come out and we talk a bit. Then I make tea while Mono does something on the computer. We will snuggle on the couch for a bit before I get up to have a shower. That is kind of how our time goes. Before, we spent every second together, stayed off the computer, didn't shower, in order to be by each other's side every second.
Now I hear the rest of my family upstairs and although it doesn't interrupt our private time together, I know they are there and they are on my mind. Before, I would not give them a thought after having been at the OH for couple of hours. When I first started going to the OH, I thought about them only because I didn't trust that everything was okay. I asked myself: Can PN handle my being absent? Is he really okay with me not being there? What if something happens?
Gradually I began to trust that it was fine and that he would call or tell me in person if there were issues. I got mad at him several times for not calling in emergencies. But he handles everything just fine, in his own way. I had to give up trying to control things by making sure he did stuff my way.
Now that I hear them upstairs I realize how little they were impacted, compared to my fear. Life went on as usual. I was the one that was changing and experiencing, not them. PN experienced loneliness at first, and LB adjusted to the change of my being gone at times, but that ended at some point. To them it was like I had a different job that meant I worked shifts. To me, my whole take on reality changed.
Mono doesn't eat with us as much, but will come up for a chat and a check in before LB goes to bed more often. He talks to PN far more often and the two of them have plans now, whereas they didn't really before. They'll be painting PN's room during Christmas vacation, for example. I think the two of them are more settled with each other now.
My relationship with PN has gotten better and closer on a daily basis and in an overall way. We were having huge rollercoasters of emotions before, where he felt disconnected and I didn't get why. He hasn't mentioned that once since Mono moved in. He is overall happier. It's hard to say if that is because of the change in our living situation, or other things in life.
LB is loving Mono more than ever and is definitely the one gaining the most from this new situation. He has a buddy at all times. Mono has been a HUGE help so far in helping us raise him. Picking him up in a snowstorm in my dad's new vehicle, looking after him when we are sick, giving him some time every day, has helped them bond and connect. LB is in heaven. He adores Mono more every day. Mono has been a huge positive influence in his life. It's most definitely been the biggest plus in our poly life. Mono rose to the occasion and took on the responsibility of including him in our dynamic, rather than trying to avoid him and not give him the respect that he deserves, as much as we all do.
All in all, the adjustment for me has been bittersweet. I miss my OH being more private. I love my room and the closeness of my family. I miss our long bits of time together. But I love the goodnight kisses at the door. I am going to get me one right now, actually.
It's all good, really, just a change. Living together has its pluses and minuses, whichever way you look at it.