PolyinPractice
New member
First of a number of issues that have been bothering me:
Whenever I tell people my partner is poly, I say, "And his wife knows..." and they're kind of okay, and then "And she has a boyfriend." And they breathe a sigh of relief.
Then they ask if I have another boyfriend (heteronormative culture) and I say, No. And they get uncomfortable again.
I dislike the notion that it somehow legitimizes poly if everyone is dating someone else. Poly isn't a competition; it isn't, "You can have someone else, if I can have someone else." or "Let's see who can acquire the most number of dating partners."
My friends don't think it's not "real" poly; that's not my concern. They don't really have a concept of what "real" poly is. It's that somehow it's unethical and you're being taken advantage of. I want to say, when they ask about the wife, "I don't know, and it doesn't matter." But if she doesn't have "someone of her own," than the idea is she's simply putting up with it for sake of not getting discarded. They also don't realize that it's very pressuring for them to expect me to get a second partner simply for the sake of having someone to date. I'm really not interested; I would love to find someone who means as much to me; but I'm really okay with having that extra time for me, right now. I like being "single"ish.
So, what have people done to help rid their friends of the notion that if you don't also have a second partner, and your partner does, you obviously need to get someone else, too? I understand it's mostly indicative of a misunderstanding of poly (it's not that I feel the need for tons of partners; I just want to be able to love the people in my life freely, come what may). But I would like to help educate my friends who think I'm some kind of doormat.
How do I explain that I find it truly okay for him to have others when I don't?
Note: I'd also like to be clear that my partner is highly encouraging of me finding someone, but is good to not do so in a pressuring way. Though even he used to not like it, but now realizes it's okay.
Whenever I tell people my partner is poly, I say, "And his wife knows..." and they're kind of okay, and then "And she has a boyfriend." And they breathe a sigh of relief.
Then they ask if I have another boyfriend (heteronormative culture) and I say, No. And they get uncomfortable again.
I dislike the notion that it somehow legitimizes poly if everyone is dating someone else. Poly isn't a competition; it isn't, "You can have someone else, if I can have someone else." or "Let's see who can acquire the most number of dating partners."
My friends don't think it's not "real" poly; that's not my concern. They don't really have a concept of what "real" poly is. It's that somehow it's unethical and you're being taken advantage of. I want to say, when they ask about the wife, "I don't know, and it doesn't matter." But if she doesn't have "someone of her own," than the idea is she's simply putting up with it for sake of not getting discarded. They also don't realize that it's very pressuring for them to expect me to get a second partner simply for the sake of having someone to date. I'm really not interested; I would love to find someone who means as much to me; but I'm really okay with having that extra time for me, right now. I like being "single"ish.
So, what have people done to help rid their friends of the notion that if you don't also have a second partner, and your partner does, you obviously need to get someone else, too? I understand it's mostly indicative of a misunderstanding of poly (it's not that I feel the need for tons of partners; I just want to be able to love the people in my life freely, come what may). But I would like to help educate my friends who think I'm some kind of doormat.
How do I explain that I find it truly okay for him to have others when I don't?
Note: I'd also like to be clear that my partner is highly encouraging of me finding someone, but is good to not do so in a pressuring way. Though even he used to not like it, but now realizes it's okay.