It's always complicated

thebizarre

New member
4am on a Monday on the east coast, and I can't sleep. So, I've made myself a cup of tea, and hopefully I can articulate my thoughts and feelings.

It's been a pretty eventful past few days for me. The highlights:

Thursday - I ended my yearlong LDR with Jon. It was a heart-wrenching decision, but the most loving one in the end - for both of us. I believe the pain I'm experiencing now is nothing compared with the agony I would have faced had I carried on with him. I've decided to go no contact, because I fully acknowledge that although our relationship was just plain wrong and terrible for so many reasons, I have the irrational desire to run back to him. I miss him. I love him... or at least who I thought he was. I'm grieving the future I thought we'd have together.

Friday - Went to therapy in the am and was so preoccupied that I caught the wrong subway and was nearly 20 minutes late for my session. That sucked, because I feel like I needed more time to talk. My therapist seemed very shocked that I broke up with Jon. To outsiders, it was quite abrupt. But I'd already started feeling emotionally cold towards him throughout the weeks leading up to my visit to his state. I'd even considered canceling the trip after an argument we had over bullshit.

Not only did he reveal that he had a negative attitude towards my being poly, but he wanted me to end my primary relationship with Vicky and be with him. But that was only one of many dealbreakers. He frequently said and did things that were suspicious, irritating, and just plain disrespectful. He behaved in ways during my visit that clearly revealed his lack of respect for me. And intuitively, I just didn't trust him. I felt in my gut that something was very, very wrong. Why I was in his home state and only met a few acquaintances of his, which he casually introduced me to as his "girl?" The excuse he gave me for not introducing me to his family seemed like such bullshit. He never answered his phone in front of me.

After therapy, I spent the rest of the day in bed, not really eating, not sleeping much, being cranky with Vicky :( and reading "how to get over a breakup" articles. He didn't call or text me.

Saturday - After an excruciating day of silence, he sent me a text. I didn't reply. I feel cruel for icing him out, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm protecting myself the best way I know how. I'm still emotionally volatile and shifting from "I'm over him" to "I miss him so much it feels like I've been stabbed in the chest." I don't need him trying to weasel his way back into my life while I'm still vulnerable and doubting myself every second. My heart wants to believe there's still hope for us to have something. Intellectually, I know that's practically impossible.

A few friends invited me out to a party later that evening. The last thing I wanted to do was drag my ass out of bed, put on clothes, and interact with people. But I figured staying in hunched over a computer all day wasn't going to make me feel any better. So I put on my glamor girl face, did my hair, and wore my favorite dress. I had a great time at the party, chatted with lots of people (including a few really cute guys), had some drinks, danced, got some numbers, and generally felt better.
 
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Today I woke up to an email from someone I thought I'd never hear from again.

But first, a little back story. It was early summer of last year. I'd recently come out to my partner as poly. I'd gone out on a lot of dates - the first time in my life I actually "dated," and it was fun, but nothing ever stuck. Either we were mutually uninterested, I liked the guy but he didn't like me, vice-versa, or something else impeded the success of the relationship. Typical dating stuff. But I wasn't sure if it was because I'm poly or what (I now know that's just the nature of dating, you have to kiss a lot of frogs).

I was starting to become disheartened with the whole experience of being poly, thinking I'd never find anyone compatible AND poly-friendly. That's when I met Ken. He was effervescent, doting, handsome, and just everything I (thought) wanted in a guy. Long story short, I found myself caught up in a whirlwind romance with him, which ended just as abruptly as it started. For no discernible reason, he stopped calling and responding to my texts. No explanation, nothing, just dead silence. I was devastated, and disproportionately so considering the short amount of time we knew each other. After calling and texting him a few times with no response, I sent one final email.

I gave him a no-pressure opportunity to let me know he wasn't interested and that I could move on. I didn't nag, accuse or whine, although I really wanted to. I didn't get a reply. I wanted to blow his phone up, leave a bunch of angry texts and voice messages, but I didn't. Instead, I took the high road, which was more empowering in the long run. I wasn't going to act psycho and give him affirmation that ditching me was the right thing.

Looking back, I'm proud of how I handled that situation, especially considering how shitty I felt about it. There were glaring signs that he was the type of person who'd pull some crap like that, but I was blinded by the NRE and the idealized view I had of him. And that nagging gut feeling that something was "off" with him always plagued me. He was a few years younger than me, admitted that he was insecure over and over, and kept telling me that he was afraid of how quickly he was falling for me.

It took me months to get over him. I withdrew completely from the dating scene, and fell into a deep depression. It hurt, so much. I couldn't eat, sleep or breathe. But I eventually got over it. I didn't get seriously involved with anyone else until I met Jon later that year.

Anyway, the person who emailed me was Ken - almost exactly a year later, he replied to that final email I sent him. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw his name in my inbox! He was succinct, apologized for disappearing, said he got nervous because I seemed distant, etc. He did say he wasn't looking to reconnect or anything, as sure to mention that he was "finally over me," just wanted to tell me what happened. Basically clear his conscience, I guess. Or maybe trying to weasel back into my life because things didn't work out with that new girl and he's lonely. Perhaps both, I don't really know, and I don't want to think about it.

He sure picked a damned fine time to reappear. Right when I'm all up in my emotions over a breakup! All the feelings I once had for him, feelings I thought were long gone, were suddenly rushing back to me. I shed a few tears. I felt a sense of relief, of closure. It took a degree of restraint to not reply to him. But I won't, at least not for now. He's in the no-contact box with Jon. I'm raw, and not myself right now. I'm starting to realize that while I'm no fool, I need to stop letting my emotions run my life.

To outsiders, I probably seem like a cold, calculating bitch, but inside, I'm all goo. I'm a fantasist, an idealist. I believe in true love, and soulmates, and destiny, and happily ever after. I have so much love to give, but most people just wouldn't know. I tend to express my emotional pain inappropriately. Instead of being visibly sad or sobbing, I'll withdraw, get snippy, put on a poker face and act like I'm fine when I'm secretly dying inside. That's how I "get back" at people who hurt me. By "showing" them that I'm not affected at all. That they were worthless to me anyway, so they get no reaction from me.

Jon probably won't call or text me again, at least not anytime soon. I don't think his pride will let him. It's clear that I'm ignoring him. We're still connected on social media. I can see what music he's listening to, but I hide mine. I don't want him to know what I'm thinking or feeling, or what's going on in my life.

It feels like I'm stuck processing the pain of TWO breakups now.

I totally didn't see this coming.
 
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I went on a date last night. A guy I'd met via another website I frequent. He seemed bright and open-minded in the discussions we participated in, not to mention he looked insanely attractive in his pictures - very much my type. Coincidentally, we happened to live nearby, so we exchanged contact info. We didn't really keep in touch except for a text here or there - it took us months to finally meet for the first time.... and that was last night.

Luckily, I didn't get catfished :p he was and every bit as gorgeous in his pictures as he was in real life. I'd mistakenly assumed he was older and taller, but those things don't really matter to me as much as chemistry and attraction do. We had dinner at the local hipsteraunt. Conversation felt a bit forced and awkward, but after we'd finished eating, we sat and chatted at a nearby park.

It was nice outside, and we were able to relax. We talked about so many things, and found we share many different philosophical beliefs and opinions. It seemed like perhaps he needed some affection too. I thought it was cute when he shyly grabbed my hand, and eventually put his arm around me. I liked the closeness.

I certainly enjoy his company, and would gladly go out with him again if he asked. I want to get to know him better. Although we had a nice time, it's far too soon to know how I feel about him. I very much liked how he looked, but I was surprised I didn't feel even a little aroused. It was more of a sweet, comfortable vibe. Which in turn made me feel safe. I don't need some narcissistic Casanova type trying to charm my panties off.

I think my recent breakup is too new, and I'm too depressed to feel much pleasure right now. I don't enjoy anything anymore. My libido is gone. I can't even think about having sex. I've lost interest in food too. I think I've lost at least 7 lbs in the past week. I have to force myself to do just about everything. My apartment is a mess, stuff is scattered everywhere. I can't find things.

Everything annoys me, especially other people. I've been short tempered. Usually level-headed, especially with strangers... I angrily gestured at a driver who was slowly rolling into the crosswalk as I was trying to cross the street. I've been terse with everyone. My poor Vicky is getting the worst of it, I keep having to apologize for my mean behavior and reassure her that she hasn't done anything wrong, and I'm just grumpy because that's how my depression manifests itself.

I've been limiting my interaction with her because I don't want to be snippy, but in turn, that means I've not spent much time with her. I can tell she's lonely. I think we'll have a nice date night soon :) I'm going to try meditating to see if it will calm my mind. I'll talk to my therapist about it. I hate being bitchy, it's not who I am.

Well, that's it. I think I'll try to meditate now, and if I cant sleep, watch soothing youtube videos or something.
 
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Well... meditation was challenging. Mostly because I've fallen out of practice (it's like exercise - if you do it regularly and stop, when you start back, you're going to be crap at it for a while). My mind just kept drifting to random things, existential thinking, thoughts about Jon, etc. Eventually, I was able to get into a "zen" state. When it was time to sleep, it seemed like I spent hours tossing and turning, waking right back up when I was almost asleep. I was finally able to drift off.

I'm glad I have this journal as an outlet, because I think I would have driven my family and friends crazy with all of my obsessing etc. Every morning, I wake up feeling a profound sense of sadness and emptiness. I'm to tempted to buy a bottle of booze and drown my sorrows in drunkenness, but I need to actually FEEL what I'm feeling in order to process it.

Last night, I hid Jon's music feed in my player. According to things I've read, keeping tabs on your ex in any way is essentially breaking no contact. I've resisted the urge to check his fb, but I'd been paying attention to the songs he was listening to. Trying to read into them and see what he's thinking, and even playing a few songs I know he'd see and wonder if they were some vague reference to him. No bueno. That was difficult, as one of the most profound ways we connected was through music.

I want to know what he's thinking and feeling. I wonder if he misses me. The effort it takes to try and keep him out of my thoughts, to restrain myself from calling him, depletes my all of willpower. So there's very little will left to do things I need to do. I've been neglecting responsibilities, relationships, myself. I admit I'm impatient with this process, it hasn't even been a week. I want to be over him already so I can get on with my life, but I'm aware it takes time. It's just frustration. I feel so ineffectual.

I feel like I'm going through detox. I've been making an effort to dress nicely, do my hair, and wear at least a little makeup when I go out - the exact opposite of what I want to do. If it were up to me, I'd go out in sweats, my hair in a ponytail, no makeup, hiding behind giant sunglasses... but that doesn't make me feel better about myself. I'm using this time to grow, improve, start working out, just become a better version of myself. After this entry, I think I'll eat something.... anything... shower, give myself a mani/pedi...

Hope I feel better tomorrow.
 
This Is Your Brain on Heartbreak

That was validating to read. So breakups suck because the parts of your brain that are activated during physical pain are also activated by emotional pain. And you're literally addicted to the relationship. I already knew this, but it was nice to have the reminder.

No wonder I've been feeling like I've been run over by a truck. I feel less compelled to beat myself up over how I'm handing this, considering the circumstances. As exhausting as the thought is, I need to start getting my life back on track. I'm doing things, like making sure I spend time outside every day - that helps. I try to always have something to do.

I went out to dinner with a friend tonight. It was pleasant, we caught up, and for a while I was distracted, which is always nice. I've been less irritable today.

I'm having one of those sleepless nights. It's after 3am here, and I can't make myself shut my eyes. I've tried to demonize Jon in my mind, to force myself to remember his flaws and why I'm leaving him. His annoying habits, how he deceived and disrespected me, how I never felt fully acknowledged as a part of his life. But all that does is make me sad AND bitter. Even the idea of him potentially being an addict, a player, a narcissist, doesn't stop me from obsessively thinking about him and pining for him. That's why this no contact thing is good for me. If I didn't have structure, guidelines for myself, I'd make some pretty bad decisions and could easily be manipulated with sweet talk or a guilt trip.

I'm just trying not to think about him at all, which has largely been unsuccessful. Just the week before last, I was in his arms. I remember how my heart skipped a beat when I saw him waiting for me at the airport when I landed. How we hugged, kissed, and cried at that same airport a few days later when I had to leave him.

I've been plugging away at a few career and education opportunities in his state. Despite what happened between us, I think where he lives is wonderful. I fit right in. It certainly has better career prospects for my field, I like the energy there better, and I'm tired of where I live. Am I optimistic about relocating and being closer to him? Quite possibly, and I'm not going to lie to myself about it. LDRs suck, even in the best circumstances. I have no idea how things would play out if we were within driving distance of each other.

Would I consider a relationship with him in the future, after we've both had distance and time to think things over? Maybe. My therapist says not to rule anything out, but not to put my hopes into it either. He may not even be interested in reconciling. Hell, I may not be interested in reconnecting with him after I've been successfully out of contact with him for longer. It's just too soon to know. I need to be feeling completely okay without him before I can even consider letting him back into my life. I need to regain a sense of self respect, and be in the right frame of mind to set and enforce firm boundaries. Not to blame myself for his actions, but I let him get away with a lot of bad behavior that I should have checked him on. There were so many things that I didn't know about making poly relationships work.

I don't know what I want right now, and my feelings are driven by loneliness, missing him, withdrawals from feel good brain chemicals, a sense of loss. Feeling disoriented. I'm not myself. The searing emotional pain has made me numb. Everytime I think of something shitty he did, I can think of a dozen sweet things he did, and my heart just aches.

No one is perfect, and he had a lot of good qualities aside from the bad ones. I'm missing his voice. The emotional support he used to give me. How he intellectually challenged me. We had such a deep connection. He understood me so well. I liked making his days better, giving him advice, making him laugh with silly little jokes and distracting him at work by being a pervert :D. I miss his calls, his face, his touch, his kiss.

I swear, I'm a very delightful person when I'm not going through a breakup :p Bear with me. I'll get better, and hopefully I soon will be writing about new experiences and being more interesting than "that person who's always whining about her ex."

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass
Seemed like the real thing only to find
Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind
 
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I could write about my day, but it was exhausting and frustrating. Just want to put it all behind me now.

I'm feeling a little better about the breakup. I can't wait to feel even better. I feel like a kid waiting for christmas. I'm sure it'd be worse if I wasn't getting outside every day, socializing, etc.
 
So, I had a great weekend. Watched lots of movies with Vicky. We bonded, it was fun. I was starting to feel like I was getting somewhere, then randomly while listening to music, a nice love song came on. The stupid music player told me Jon was listening to it recently. And I saw that he'd changed his facebook picture. It was a picture of him and his friends. He'd never put any pictures of us up together, and he'd convinced me that his FB was just something he used to keep up with music related stuff.

I should have been angry, but I just felt sad. Sad, inadequate and unattractive. Just hurt. I was starting to feel better, and now I'm depressed again. I feel like there's a knife twisting in my stomach, my entire body feels heavy, I can't sleep worth a damn. And eating? It's like a chore. I don't even enjoy my favorite foods. I've lost at least 10 lbs. I've been having palpitations. I feel ridiculous for getting so stressed out over this. My entire life is disrupted, and he hasn't even attempted to contacted me aside from that lone text. Intellectually, I know he's not worth this.

I'm supposed to be going on a date tonight, and I really just want to cancel. But he's offering to meet really close to me, so I think I should do it, if only to get out of the house. I'm thinking about emailing Ken, the guy I mentioned in my 2nd post. No rhyme or reason to it, no expectations. I just want to say something back, I guess.
 
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Some advice passed down from my father: "You never get over the ones you really love. They just become less important to you in time."

It hurts, yes. But it hurt less each day. And it will always hurt a little. But it does get better.

He also added "Now don't tell your mother I said that", but that doesn't seem to pertain to your problems.
 
Some advice passed down from my father: "You never get over the ones you really love. They just become less important to you in time."

It hurts, yes. But it hurt less each day. And it will always hurt a little. But it does get better.

What your father says is very true - you don't ever really "move on" from someone you love, rather, you learn to live without them. I've been through several breakups, and it never gets easier, no matter how many times it happens. But it does get better. It's just so hard to see it when the pain is still fresh, and it feels like your heart has been ripped out.
 
Well, my "gut" feeling was right. Curiosity got the best of me, and I had a peek at Jon's FB page. I wont go into specifics of what I saw, but suffice it to say, he'd been lying to me about a lot of things, in particular there was one thing that I suspected, and it turned out to be true.

It hurt to find out that way, but it also made me angry. And sad - for him. He did it as a carefully orchestrated way to provoke me, to get back at me for ending things with him. And that just made him look even more pathetic. I don't know whether to say "aww, you poor thing. You're heartbroken and you want to make me hurt too," or, "you dirty SOB, I never want to see you again." I don't know. I don't want to think about it too much. I'm tempted to retaliate in my own way, but I'm going to hold off on that for now... I don't want to sink to his level.

I replied to Ken's email the other day. We've been corresponding and in his last email he expressed guarded interest in reconnecting again on some level. I've talked about it with Vicky, and she thinks I should give him a chance. I'll see where it goes. I'm hesitant considering he did ditch me out of the clear blue. But I did my fair share of not so great things too. I played games, followed "rules" (yes, I plan to burn those books, they do nothing but destroy relationships), and jerked him around, because I thought that's what I needed to do to get what I wanted out of the relationship. We were both trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt, and in the end, he dealt the coup de grace.

Honestly, I'm sort of excited about talking to him again. I cared for him deeply, and we never got the chance to see where things went between us. Even if nothing becomes of it in the end, I'm looking forward to seeing how things unfold this time. I plan to keep things light and uncomplicated, for sure, leave my expectations at the door, and just enjoy the moment.

It's easy to get so swept away in a relationship that your identity gets lost too. You start to sacrifice your needs and wants in order to appease the other person. A little compromise is okay and vital to relationships, but there's a difference between compromise and straight up surrender. The latter isn't attractive at all, even if it's seemingly what the other person wants.

When Jon and I first met, I was feisty, independent and confident - qualities he found attractive. I owned my eccentricities and quirks, because they're part of who I am. Somewhere along the way, I stopped being myself. I became more passive, codependent, and I relied on his opinion of me more and more for my happiness. I let my insecurities take over, and instead of being a prize, I carved up and served myself on a platter. I became the little doll that could be dressed, posed, stored on a shelf and picked up whenever he felt like it.

The most important takeaway I've gotten from this experience is to never lose myself. I lost my identity in my relationship with Jon. I vow to never, ever let that happen again. I am who I am. I'm free to live life on my terms, enjoy the things that I enjoy, be exactly who I am without apologizing for it. Every day, I work hard to be the best version of MYSELF possible. An insightful, self-actualized, intelligent, healthy, beautiful human being. It's not my responsibility to live up to the expectations of others!

I accept myself just as I am. Not who I'm going to be in the future, or what I wish I could be. I love myself, right here, and right now.
 
I accept myself just as I am. Not who I'm going to be in the future, or what I wish I could be. I love myself, right here, and right now.

Amen, sister!
 
I never talked about my date on Tuesday with Chris. We had a nice dinner and afterwards walked through the park and chatted. *Shrug* I wouldn't turn him down if he asked me out again and I didn't have anything better to do, but I wasn't into him in more than a platonic way

Speaking of dates, my life is about to get a lot more interesting (and possibly more tiring).

I have three dates lined up, fri, sat & sun :D Yeah, I don't waste any time. The interesting thing that all of these dates have in common is they're with people from my past that I've wanted to connect with. It's crazy, but right after the breakup I've had guys coming out of the woodwork.

It's uncanny how Ken contacted me just a few days after the breakup, now we're going out tomorrow (Friday) evening. I plan to show up looking stunning... you know this! Of course, I'm not going to overdo it, but I'm hoping to make him feel extra silly for having walked out on me. I've got a trip to the salon planned, the perfect dress picked out... I'm also considerably thinner since the last time I saw him (and the recent breakup "diet" I've been on has further accentuated this). This should be interesting ;)

On Sat I have a second date with Chi. He's a sweetheart. We've chatted on the phone a few times this week. I get a nice, genuine vibe from him. He is ridiculously good looking, but seems to be completely unaware of the fact. I'm looking forward to spending more time with him and seeing where things go.

On Sun, I have a date with Mark. We've chatted online off and on for years, but we've never met in person. We're stuck in a bit of a grey area as I can't get a feel for whether we'll be dating, hanging out, or what. He lives a few hours away. He's nice to chat with, I'm curious about how the chemistry plays out in person/ There's more to our interactions, but I don't really want to get into that here just yet.

So yeah, my busy weekend starts soon, I have a lot to be excited about. Feeling less weepy about the breakup, although I had a moment today listening to my playlist of love and heartbreak songs and wishing Jon would call me. It's getting less and less painful to be without him, and I'm glad. I'm able to view the relationship from a more objective standpoint, and yeah, I deserve so much better than what I was getting from him.
 
How did you get here?
Nobody's supposed to be here
I've tried that love thing for the last time
My heart says no, no!
Nobody's supposed to be here
But you came along and changed my mind...


Well, I went on a date with Ken last night. All day, I was a nervous wreck, but also really excited. Jittery, butterflies, the works. I got all done up like I said I would. Did my hair, nails, put on a lovely (rather clingy) dress, makeup. I had a femme fatale thing going on.

When I got to the restaurant, I spotted him. Our eyes locked as I walked to the table where he was sitting. He looked exactly as I remember, but somewhat thinner. I sat down and we chatted, and he nervously fumbled with his menu. "So this is who I spent months torturing myself over, who I was nervous wreck all day about meeting" I thought to myself. I caught him stealing peeks at me when I looked down at my menu. He seemed more like a scared little boy than the calculating, cruel player I'd conjured up in my head. As the evening progressed, I started to see all the things in him that attracted me in the first place. His dazzling smile, striking features that stood out even more now that he was thinner, his goofball sense of humor. Conversation flowed easily as we updated each other on our lives. We talked about deeper things - his disappearance, his trust issues, MY trust/intimacy issues. When the food came out, he was so nervous that he couldn't eat more than a few bites. It was cute, if not a little pathetic :p

After dinner, neither of us were keen for the night to end, so we went to a nearby bar for drinks. I noticed he was being very deferential to me, so submissive... I loved it. Things took a more flirtatious turn as we sipped our drinks. I found myself staring at him as he studied the menu. It was so... gratifying to be across from him, although judging by my reserved exterior, you'd never know. I was looking at his hands, his shoulders, remembered how I used to kiss his neck, run my fingers through his hair when we...

Oh yeah, our sexual chemistry was off the charts. I mean, amazing, "gives-me-goosebumps-and-tingles-just-thinking-about-it" sex. I noticed his legs were brushing against mine, and I snapped out of my trance. He was clearly thrilled to be there with me, and he couldn't stop staring and finding reasons to "accidentally" touch me. We stayed out fairly late, and although I really didn't want to go, I figured I should save some excitement for next time. He was already talking about what we'd do on our next date.

And the end of the night, he dropped me off at home. He leaned in for a kiss, and I couldn't control myself anymore. I grabbed him and kissed him passionately. He was just as enthusiastic... perhaps overly so, he bit my lip kinda hard lol. Makes me think he hasn't gotten any action in a while :p
We said our goodbyes, and that was that.

I'll probably never know for sure why he stopped talking about me the first time. All I have to go on is what he told me. That he "got scared," which is somewhat understandable. I readily admit I played games, dodging phone calls, not answering texts, being shady and evasive - not cool of me. It's something I've chased a lot of guys away with, and I'm trying to be a better person.

But after that evening and how much fun we had simply being in each others company, can't understand how or why anyone could up and walk away from something like that. We were right in the throes of infatuation and NRE, when he left me high and dry. I went through hell, and because of that, it's going to take me a while to trust him enough to fully open up again.

I loved him enough to let him go. He came back. So for now, I'm just enjoying the butterflies and living in the moment. It's a damned good cure for the heartbreak I'd been feeling over ending things with Jon. Right now, it's like "Jon who?" Ken is the guy I wanted to be with all along. Being with him just feels right. I feel like all is right in the world again. But I'm taking things slowly, observing his behavior, and getting to know him and whether I REALLY want to be with him, or if it's just infatuation, obsession, etc because he was gone for so long. And I'm not off the market yet!

I have another date with Chi tonight :D
 
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I've been a busy gal :p

Those three consecutive dates wiped me o-u-t. I'm a textbook introvert, so after socializing, I need at least a day to recover. I promised myself I wouldn't line up three dates in a row like like that anymore. But surprise surprise, I did it again THIS weekend :rolleyes: I've REALLY gotta start pacing myself.

Let's talk about my dates last weekend with Chi and Mark.

As was getting ready to meet up with Chi, I was still basking in the afterglow of the awesome date I had with Ken. But NRE be damned, I'm not really to fully let my guard down with him. So I'm keeping busy and dating multiple people.

It was extremely humid and threatening rain when Chi and I met. My hair was misbehaving like a mofo, and I didn't feel terribly pretty. But Chi didn't seem to mind. He grabbed my hand as we walked down the street. Since we were in my neighborhood, I wasn't thrilled with the PDA and kept trying to politely distance myself, but he kept clinging. It's sweet that he likes me so much, but we've only been on a few dates. I have no idea where things are gonna go with us. I'm a private person, and I'm not so comfortable with my neighbors seeing me being all touchy feel-y with all kinds of different people.

We ended up checking out a museum and grabbing dinner and drinks. We took a couple of pictures together. The conversation was nice... our personalities are definitely quite similar. We both enjoy discussing deep, philosophical things. He came back to my place and we watched a movie together. I introduced him to Vicky and they seemed to hit it off quite well.

I eventually had to kick him out, it was super late and I had a date lined up with Mark the next day. There's a nice, comfortable vibe between Chi & I. It's cuddly, affectionate, sweet. As I've mentioned, sensuality is very important to me in a relationship. A bit of covert sexual tension keeps me intrigued, and I'm not feeling that with him just yet. Sometimes it takes time. I enjoy his company, and I'm looking forward to seeing where things go.

Finally, my date with Mark. Well, by this time, I was thoroughly exhausted. I wanted to cancel, but he lives in another state and was driving several hours to see me. By the time I dragged ass out of bed, he was halfway here, so a last minute cancellation was out of the question. Besides, I was looking forward to seeing him in person for the first time, so I pulled myself together.

Mark and I have an interesting dynamic. I've been into the kink/BDSM scene for years, and Mark and I met via the kink community. He identifies as submissive, and I'm primarily dominant. We've kept in touch online for a few years, but recently, he relocated to an area closer to me, and we both thought it would be fun to meet up.

We met at a restaurant for brunch. I showed up nearly an hour late, much to my embarrassment. I felt inarticulate and uncoordinated. He was not getting the best of me, although I tried my best to look cheerful and awake. My face was sore from the bright-eyed smile I was trying to keep it contorted into.

The kitchen screwed up my food. The waitress seemed to be very new, and Mark repeatedly pointed out her mistakes. I liked that he was a stickler for good service (as am I), but everything was annoying me, including him. He wasn't doing anything wrong, I was just sleepless and grumpy. I did feel a little better once I ate and had a drink. The weather was beautiful, at least.

From there, we walked around the city, with me doing my little tour guide spiel, and feeling like a zombie. The walk got me energized, and I was finally able to start enjoying myself. We stayed out for a few hours, and finished the evening at a lounge. The conversation became more interesting as the night progressed, but I noticed that I was becoming very inarticulate and unable to express myself well, which is not me! I was completely out of steam, so I decided to end the night there. We hugged... the chemistry was fairly chaste, not very flirtatious. A kiss would have been weird, but it was a first date, so yeah. Either way, I enjoyed my time with him & I'd definitely go out with him again (fully energized this time!)

Well, anyway, that's a recap of last weekend. *This* weekend, I've been on two dates, and headed to another in a few hours. I'll spill all the details in my next entry :)
 
I started writing this entry last night but I got really sleepy and had to stop.

Ahh... three dates again this weekend. Maybe I was PMS-ing or something last weekend, or still kinda feeling hurt after the breakup with Jon, but this time around, I had a different perception. It was a lot of fun.

Friday, I went out for dinner and dancing with Ken. I wasn't as nervous this time around, although I was excited. Over dinner, the conversation was great. Fun stuff, serious stuff, a healthy dash of flirtation. The way I flirt... think sultry Lauren Bacall-esque double entendres, but raunchier. I didn't analyze things much, just enjoyed the moment. Nothing builds sexual tension like tipsy dirty dancing. Pretty soon everyone else on the dance floor followed suit & started bumpin & grinding. It was cool like something from a movie. Interestingly enough, almost every time Ken and I are together, something magical randomly happens that's straight from a rom-com. Like the night we were walking along the river, and ran into a romantic R&B concert and fireworks show. The vibe between us is just too good. It's so hard to stay down to earth when I'm around him. He make me so giddy. Woozy. I just want to rip his clothes off! :D

Saturday, I spent the afternoon and evening with Mark. I had mixed feelings about the date, because I wasn't sure how I felt about the last one. But I planned a better itinerary, so we'd have options. And since we have an implied agreement that I get to boss him around, I decided to have a little fun with him. I was impressed with how he dressed. He's just a strikingly handsome man. It was hard not to stare at him. Since I was well rested, and we'd chosen a better place to dine, the atmosphere was more relaxed, and the conversation was easier. I immediately started to pick at him :p I pried to see if he had a naughty side, an I was pleasantly surprised by his answers. It was fun to make him blush with my blunt talk. I was relieved that the vibe wasn't asexual between us. I liked that he got comfortable enough to touch me more, and we kissed a couple of times. He was definitely pushing all of my buttons. And... there's just something about a guy who goes out of his way to ensure that I'm enjoying my time with him. Catering to my needs at the slightest mention. I'm looking forward to the kinky devilment we could possibly get into ;)

My last date was with Chi. We really had a great time. I'll have to talk about it in another post :)
 
Alright, so I promised to talk about my date with Chi, but first...

I broke no contact with Jon. He called, I answered. We talked - the details of the conversation aren't important, but I just felt... nothing for him anymore. I'm surprised that I'm over him so quickly, but I am. Now that the infatuation fog has cleared, I can see that he's a downgrade, and he never deserved me. I can do (and am doing) so much better!

Anyway! My date with Chi. I traveled to his city, which is about an hour away from me. We met at a local arcade and that was fun (I love first person shooters). He was still heavy on the PDA - holding my hand, cuddling... which I didn't really mind so much this time since we were in his city. And really, I'm enjoying MY life right now. To hell with what other people think. I always consider it a good sign when a guy doesn't try to hide the fact that we're together. We went to his place which was supposed to be a quick stop to pick up his phone charger, but instead led to him demonstrating that he could carry me (hot), and a rather intense make out session (sneaky bastard lol... ok, it was actually my idea).

He clearly wanted more than kissing, and hell, so did I. The sexual chemistry is starting to develop and that's one of my favorite parts of a new relationship. So I'm savoring it, taking things slow, teasing, and enjoying the tension between us. We had fun with some public kissing at a bar, and then in his car. We were going at it so wildly that we attracted some drunken onlookers who were hootin' & hollerin'... we gave them a show! I've never done anything like that in my life, but I loved it, and so did he. I'm really liking the vibe between us.

Mark and I had a rather steamy phone convo/photo swap going on the other night. I'm having fun with his submissiveness. I like to boss him around, tease him, flirt with him... he loves it. It's atypical, but it hits the spot for us!

I'm having Ken over at my place this week for dinner. Vicky will be out of town visiting her parents, so we'll have the place to ourselves for a bit. I'm almost a little too giddy about it. I lust for him... he turns me into a total nympho. It's partially his attractiveness, the fact that I know how good he is at sex, and a healthy dose of je ne sais quoi. I have to control my urges. I KNOW I'm gonna be pretty damned hurt if we have sex and he vanishes again. Before I can feel comfortable being intimate with him, he needs to stop keeping me at arms length. I'll just have to be patient, only time will tell how this is going to go down.

I do like that he's making an effort to call me some days. But it's always such short and quick conversations. Maybe he just isn't a phone person, but it strikes me as odd. I also should be considering whether I even want a relationship with him. He may not be able to give me what I need. A casual hookup/fwb type relationship with him is a tempting idea, but I unfortunately can't handle detached, NSA sex, especially when it's as damned good as he makes me feel. Having meaningless sex with zero potential of it becoming something significant isn't appealing to me at all and is guaranteed to make me crazy.

But dammit, I wanna get laid! LOL!

Finally... I went on a date (wed) with a guy I met on a popular mobile dating app. We had dinner, drinks, and chatted... but I decided he was simply not for me. He hinted at way too many unresolved past issues (including some pretty serious addictions - YUCK), he drank a bit too much for my tastes, and he's a cigarette smoker which is totally a dealbreaker for me. Also he was socially inept and just plain rude at times. At one point he ran into an old friend at the bar, started a whole convo with him, and didn't even bother to introduce me or acknowledge that he was there with me. I mean most people would at least say "(friend), this is thebizarre," and then we'd shake hands or whatever, right??? I stood there just long enough for it to be awkward before politely saying goodbye, and I made my way outta there.

To be completely honest, I've struggled with self esteem issues for most of my life. In that past, I would have taken something like that personally. I would have thought "oh, he's ashamed to be with me, and it's my fault. If only I were thinner/prettier/etc then he would have been happy to show me off." But nowadays, my perspective is crystal clear. I know my worth, that I'm desirable, and that the behavior of others has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. Feed caviar to a herd of swine and they'll gulp it down the same as rotten slop. Just because one person can't distinguish a diamond from a rock doesn't lessen the strength, beauty and value of that diamond.

He practically chased me down the steps, but that was the last straw and pretty much sealed the deal that I wouldn't be seeing him again. I casually let him know that what he did was rude, maybe it'll help him in the future... with someone else. If he thought that shit was acceptable, then he's definitely not someone I want to spend time with. He's clearly interested in me, but his miserable personality and lack of social grace just rubbed me the wrong way and I'm not gonna waste my time teaching him what his parents should have. Or playing Florence Nightingale and trying to "save" him. My days of trying to fix incomplete, broken people are over.

Well, that's it for now. Tomorrow shouldn't be too eventful, just grocery shopping and cleaning up around the house. but Fri-Sun is busy again. I'll be introducing a few previously unmentioned guys :D
 
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Sooo... it's been a long and exhausting past few days. Lots of socialization, dating, ending relationships, exploring new ones, etc. Typical "me" stuff.

Friday (the 24th), I met with a friend for lunch. FWB is more like it. I did say that I'm not really into FWBs, but Eric is a rare exception. He's the perfect casual sex partner. He's just attractive enough for me to want sex with, but not so attractive that I pine over him when he's not around. We're comfortable with each other. The sex is always satisfying, but not mind blowing, which again, helps keep me from getting carried away. What we have... works.

Not to mention, he's happily married, and he and his wife are poly. I've met his wife on several occasions, and we're friendly, though there was never anything between us (she's only attracted to men). She's an intelligent and kind woman. She has a cute younger boyfriend. They seem so happy and secure in their marriage.

Anyway, we had a nice lunch together, and we made plans to get together later the next week.

Sat and Sun I spent in another city with another friend, Tony. I use "friend" loosely, because in the 4+ years we've known each other, we've never bothered to define the relationship. And since we've never had sex (his choice, for religious reasons :rolleyes:), he's not a FWB. We've had this abstract pseudo-romance going on for about two years now. A lot of that has to do with the fact that we're long distance (he's about 5+ hours away), and while he's attracted to me, it's lopsided. I value his friendship, and care for him, but he just isn't my type. At all.

Anyway, this weekend was the longest stretch of time that I've spent with Tony. I'd been contemplating ending things with him, but never let it happen partially because of complacency, and also because whenever I've tried to "break up" with him in the past, he'd find a way to get back into my life. I figured I should at least spend some time with him before deciding whether I should cut the cord for good.

To describe the weekend in one word - awful. It was worse than I ever thought it could be. The first thing I noticed is that he'd completely let himself go. I mean it was bad. He'd gained at least 40 lbs and was reduced to wearing the most garish looking gymwear. It was pretty embarrassing to be out with him. His hygiene was horrific. I don't even think he brought a toothbrush. And he kept trying to kiss me! Sure, we had some fun sightseeing around his city and such, but most of my time was spent counting down till I could get to the train station and leave!

I'm not going to continue to rip into the guy, because there's nothing funny about self neglect. But I was pretty shocked. I tried to have one last conversation to attempt to clear up the ambiguity, but mostly to prepare him for the inevitable. After the trip, we had another conversation via skype, and I ended the pseudo romance. I told him we could remain friends, but a romantic relationship was out of the question. I stopped just shy of saying that I'm not attracted to him. He'd already taken the "break up" about as well as expected (not well at all, he was rather hurt), so I didn't want to throw more salt on his wounds.

In short, it's pure dysfunction, fuckery, and needs to be extinguished. Clearly, letting him down gently isn't the answer, because I've tried it over and over, and we just end up here. He has mental health issues that he refuses to acknowledge, just like his overall poor health. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love himself. He just clings to me because he likes the way I look, and because I give him crumbs of attention. The idea of just cutting someone off who's so clearly sad and pathetic like that makes me feel like a shitty human being. But really I feel like shit for remaining in contact with him also.

There isn't any easy solution.
 
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So...

I think I need to take a break, from everything.
Just a few weeks ago, I was reeling from the pain of a breakup. I started dating a few guys, which felt rather serendipitous, as they all seemingly reemerged when I was in need of a distraction. I've just realized that's pretty much why I've been dating people around here. It's something to do. I thought I'd moved on from the breakup, and was approaching life with clarity, but in reality, I'm running around like a headless chicken.

Mark, who was the forerunner in my mind, left me feeling rather cold after he visited me this weekend. It wasn't any one thing in particular, but his "mask" slipped a few times, and I didn't like what I saw underneath. It was just the splash of cold water I needed to snap me out of my NRE-fueled infatuation and back into objectivity. On top of that, he still sees and talks to his ex, and that's fine. Knowing him, he's probably getting some sort of masochistic thrill out of how she uses then discards him until she wants something again. I'm stepping waaaay back from this one.

Ken - I haven't seen him since he came to my place the Friday before last for dinner. I've gotten a call and a text or two since then, but his old patterns haven't changed one bit. Goes completely MIA every weekend, only calls me at certain times of the day during the week for very short conversations, and we just haven't seen each other, at all. I don't take back the kind things I've said about him, because they're true. He simply can't/won't give me what I need out of a relationship (even though I've clearly expressed those needs).

Chi - He's a nice guy, but if he were more into me, he'd make more of an effort to reach out, to see me. Although he's an "old soul," he still has much of the immaturity that goes along with a lack of life experience. He has potential, but as I've said before, it isn't my job to teach a grown man how to be a good boyfriend.

You can't change people. You can't hold on to doomed relationships in hopes of what "could" be. The past is gone, the future is always just out of our reach - now is all we have. If I'm presently unhappy with a person, odds are, I'll never be thrilled with how they treat me. Best to abandon ship at the first sign of sinking, than to hope that it patches up and sets afloat again.

*Sigh* - I have a lot of luck with the "poly," but the "amory" aspect has been elusive, which is frustrating. I'm not putting myself out there anymore or looking for new people. I need to focus on my life, my future, and what moves I need to make next to get what I want.
 
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