thebizarre
New member
4am on a Monday on the east coast, and I can't sleep. So, I've made myself a cup of tea, and hopefully I can articulate my thoughts and feelings.
It's been a pretty eventful past few days for me. The highlights:
Thursday - I ended my yearlong LDR with Jon. It was a heart-wrenching decision, but the most loving one in the end - for both of us. I believe the pain I'm experiencing now is nothing compared with the agony I would have faced had I carried on with him. I've decided to go no contact, because I fully acknowledge that although our relationship was just plain wrong and terrible for so many reasons, I have the irrational desire to run back to him. I miss him. I love him... or at least who I thought he was. I'm grieving the future I thought we'd have together.
Friday - Went to therapy in the am and was so preoccupied that I caught the wrong subway and was nearly 20 minutes late for my session. That sucked, because I feel like I needed more time to talk. My therapist seemed very shocked that I broke up with Jon. To outsiders, it was quite abrupt. But I'd already started feeling emotionally cold towards him throughout the weeks leading up to my visit to his state. I'd even considered canceling the trip after an argument we had over bullshit.
Not only did he reveal that he had a negative attitude towards my being poly, but he wanted me to end my primary relationship with Vicky and be with him. But that was only one of many dealbreakers. He frequently said and did things that were suspicious, irritating, and just plain disrespectful. He behaved in ways during my visit that clearly revealed his lack of respect for me. And intuitively, I just didn't trust him. I felt in my gut that something was very, very wrong. Why I was in his home state and only met a few acquaintances of his, which he casually introduced me to as his "girl?" The excuse he gave me for not introducing me to his family seemed like such bullshit. He never answered his phone in front of me.
After therapy, I spent the rest of the day in bed, not really eating, not sleeping much, being cranky with Vicky and reading "how to get over a breakup" articles. He didn't call or text me.
Saturday - After an excruciating day of silence, he sent me a text. I didn't reply. I feel cruel for icing him out, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm protecting myself the best way I know how. I'm still emotionally volatile and shifting from "I'm over him" to "I miss him so much it feels like I've been stabbed in the chest." I don't need him trying to weasel his way back into my life while I'm still vulnerable and doubting myself every second. My heart wants to believe there's still hope for us to have something. Intellectually, I know that's practically impossible.
A few friends invited me out to a party later that evening. The last thing I wanted to do was drag my ass out of bed, put on clothes, and interact with people. But I figured staying in hunched over a computer all day wasn't going to make me feel any better. So I put on my glamor girl face, did my hair, and wore my favorite dress. I had a great time at the party, chatted with lots of people (including a few really cute guys), had some drinks, danced, got some numbers, and generally felt better.
It's been a pretty eventful past few days for me. The highlights:
Thursday - I ended my yearlong LDR with Jon. It was a heart-wrenching decision, but the most loving one in the end - for both of us. I believe the pain I'm experiencing now is nothing compared with the agony I would have faced had I carried on with him. I've decided to go no contact, because I fully acknowledge that although our relationship was just plain wrong and terrible for so many reasons, I have the irrational desire to run back to him. I miss him. I love him... or at least who I thought he was. I'm grieving the future I thought we'd have together.
Friday - Went to therapy in the am and was so preoccupied that I caught the wrong subway and was nearly 20 minutes late for my session. That sucked, because I feel like I needed more time to talk. My therapist seemed very shocked that I broke up with Jon. To outsiders, it was quite abrupt. But I'd already started feeling emotionally cold towards him throughout the weeks leading up to my visit to his state. I'd even considered canceling the trip after an argument we had over bullshit.
Not only did he reveal that he had a negative attitude towards my being poly, but he wanted me to end my primary relationship with Vicky and be with him. But that was only one of many dealbreakers. He frequently said and did things that were suspicious, irritating, and just plain disrespectful. He behaved in ways during my visit that clearly revealed his lack of respect for me. And intuitively, I just didn't trust him. I felt in my gut that something was very, very wrong. Why I was in his home state and only met a few acquaintances of his, which he casually introduced me to as his "girl?" The excuse he gave me for not introducing me to his family seemed like such bullshit. He never answered his phone in front of me.
After therapy, I spent the rest of the day in bed, not really eating, not sleeping much, being cranky with Vicky and reading "how to get over a breakup" articles. He didn't call or text me.
Saturday - After an excruciating day of silence, he sent me a text. I didn't reply. I feel cruel for icing him out, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm protecting myself the best way I know how. I'm still emotionally volatile and shifting from "I'm over him" to "I miss him so much it feels like I've been stabbed in the chest." I don't need him trying to weasel his way back into my life while I'm still vulnerable and doubting myself every second. My heart wants to believe there's still hope for us to have something. Intellectually, I know that's practically impossible.
A few friends invited me out to a party later that evening. The last thing I wanted to do was drag my ass out of bed, put on clothes, and interact with people. But I figured staying in hunched over a computer all day wasn't going to make me feel any better. So I put on my glamor girl face, did my hair, and wore my favorite dress. I had a great time at the party, chatted with lots of people (including a few really cute guys), had some drinks, danced, got some numbers, and generally felt better.
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