FWB/Boundaries/Unnecessary drama
*hand palm*
Maca had a major insecurity moment. I was already asleep. So he took it upon himself to contact Panther himself. They had a mostly reasonable conversation. But near the end (it was long and by text-which he forwarded me the next day) he said some things that were really cruel and unnecessary.
Suffice it to say; that pissed me off on two fronts.
First; if I am interested in someone; I want the privilege of telling them myself. He didn't TELL HIM I was interested. But he opened the conversation with "Are you wanting a sexual relationship with my wife". This man has been a CLOSE friend of mine since childhood. 25 years this month actually. He was involved in my closest circle for 10 years before Maca and I started dating...
He's never been secretive about his sexual attraction to me (but never acted on it). Likewise; I have never been secretive about my sexual attraction to him, but never acted on it.
I felt like Maca totally undermined my rights as an individual to decide when and how I express my interest in changing a relationship form. I had been honest with Maca; when I requested the opportunity to change this friendship to a fwb dynamic (as per our boundary agreement we can have fwb-but we don't just change the status of a friendship without talking to each other).
But I had asked him to NOT talk to my friend about it, explaining that I wanted to be sure he and I were on the same page BEFORE I brought it up to my friend.
Sigh
Then the added insulting comments near the end. Boiled my blood. I point blank told him he owed my friend an apology.
I woke yesterday morning to an odd text from each of them and found out what had happened. It was a royally frustrating way to start the day. One of them asleep (works nights) the other just going to work and a drama left in the wake of their conversation for me to sort through.
Panther called (he almost NEVER calls-prefers text) when he woke up. He was cold as ice. (go figure). He didn't understand why he was being confronted when he has never done anything to put ANY relationship I've ever had at risk. He was seriously hurt and offended over the last comment. He told me point blank, he wanted to space to lick his wounds. I understand and told him so.
Maca doesn't know the history-he's never cared to REALLY get to know my friends. They come over regularly, they are in close contact with me and the kids. They try to reach out to him. But he's not social and he keeps his distance.
Anyway-Panther had an abusive childhood. His dad died unexpectedly while we were in high school, not too long after I had Spicy Pea and he went wild with the sudden freedom. He maintained a relationship with me and Spicy (he calls her his little flower). But he kept his wild-side life away from both of us (which I greatly appreciate).
But there's a price to be paid for living in those circles. Bad relationships, broken hearts, lost friends, added to the struggle of finding work that will cover expenses when you haven't finished school. He's been burned and he's been hurt. He's never let any of that slither into my life.
Maca's accusations hit him in the heart. He felt like all of his efforts to be there for me, for the kids, to be friendly to Maca (he AGAIN invited him to go out for a beer the day before I left) were all unseen by Maca. They aren't-it's just that what Maca see's is ONLY that he is "competition" because he knows I'm attracted to him.
Sigh.
What a fucking clusterfuck.
Anyway-I listened, I let him vent. He recounted pretty much everything from high school to current. Stories I already know of course. But the common theme of them all is being told he isn't good enough.
When he was calming down I quietly reminded him; I'm not one of those people. I've never said or done those things to him and I don't think that of him. I know him. I know he's made some stupid choices. Who hasn't? He's been working his ass off to get his life back after the last major break up (he left state, got hitched, was raising her kids with her and found out she was doing illegal shit-left everything he owned behind to come home).
I pointed out to Maca-his financial "issues" (ie not making much money) aren't an issue because we aren't considering him as a roommate, he never, not ever asks me for money. He knows damn good and well that Maca makes $40/hour more than him. He won't even let me give him $5 for gas when he's given me a ride to/from school! In 25 years, he's NEVER asked me for a penny. He has his needs met. He takes care of himself.
His previous gf's aren't pertinent either. They aren't my business (or Maca's). I know about all of them. Because he and I are pea's in a pod in so many ways and we talk openly about our lovers.
I listened until he calmed down. Reminded him that the world is what it is, but that doesn't mean he has to react to the insults. He doesn't want to see/talk to Maca. Maca did send an apology text. But Maca feels like he was "just being honest" and Panther feels like he was being insulting. I would say-it was both-but it's NOT NECESSARY to be insulting in your honesty.
I can't do anything to help sort that shit out.
In the meantime; I'm frustrated by the UNNECESSARY drama of it all. (this is rhetorical cause I know the answer) I can't help but think "WHAT is the point of me talking to Maca in advance if he's going to go off half cocked ANYWAY".
ARGH!
Between Maca and I; he wants to add additional restrictions to our boundaries regarding FWB. The current agreement is "Friend With Benefits-
Already ok’d by SO
May see 2-3 times a week.
Alone time date no more than one per week.
Romantic dates ok.
With SO permission, invite to family time ok.
SO welcome to join anytime.
Anytime in group, we remain coupled with SO.
Physical affection limited in front of SO with discretion."
It allows for: fondling, making out, sex in person or via internet, kissing, cuddling, caressing, holding hands, personalized sex talk, sexy pics...
we require std testing in advance with anyone we get sexual with &
use of condoms.
He wants to add using protection during oral sex & using protection between Maca and I for the first 6 months....
AND "I don't want to know about it".
Um... ok.
(I did ask him the following; just haven't gotten a reply as of yet)
How exactly does THAT work? Does he want to just have protected sex for the next 6 months cause he doesn't want to know?
Cause-I haven't even talked to Panther about HAVING sex. We aren't THERE.
I had told Maca; my key interest at this point was having the freedom to be able to share flirtatious conversation and sexy photos. I don't even know for myself if I am up for anything further much less if Panther is....
I don't have an issue with his additions. AS LONG AS he's ok with it being across the board added to the boundaries. If he wants me to meet that standard of safer sex; then he will have to as well at such time as he decides he's going to be sexually involved with someone...
But-I know him fairly well and I can't begin to imagine him being ok with those restrictions.
He has another restriction-no anal sex. That one is arbitrary. I don't know exactly what the point was of him bringing it up.
I tore SO badly with the last baby-that isn't ever going to be on my list of things to do with a lover. He knows this quite well. It won't happen. I know HE will do it with any woman he is involved with and whatever. It is what it is. It bothered me a lot at first, because I felt like a total failure. But whatever. I have a beautiful daughter and the rest is life. I got over that one somewhere along the line.
In the meantime; my gut feeling is that these additional restrictions are going to come back to bite him in the ass. I can readily agree to them. They don't bother me. But they will bother the holy hell out of him......