How "out" are you?

nikkiana

New member
For those of you who are currently in polyamorous relationships, how "out" are you to other people that you have more than one partner? Do you tell everybody? Only on a need to know basis? What's your criteria for sharing that sort of information?
 
I am out to everyone except my parents and my husbands. I suspect that it is only a matter of time as it is hard to hide a third person at our house all the time, but I am trying to hold off until the fall to tell them.

All my co-workers know and friends. Our family takes care of our child and is a huge help with many aspects of our life. We also are a huge help in their lives and have a lot invested in their presence in our lives. Up until now the loves I have had have been friendships with benefits, but now I am deeply in love and I know it will be for the long haul, it is vastly important that they take this seriously and with that will be the ability to tell them it has been on going for sometime... this fall will be about 6 monthes... long enough I feel for them to know it is serious.
 
My rule is if someone asks the right question I won't lie. I am out to my primary social circle, one family member (my sister), and one co-worker. There are few people I really feel the need to hold off on. I feel so natural in this that it doesn't seem a big deal at all. I am in love with a beautiful person who has a wonderful family. I am a positive in thier lives and they are in mine. I couldn't care less what anyone thinks. If they had any idea of the purity and intensity of love I have they wouldn't judge or question..they would be jealous :)
 
My rule also is if someone asks, I won't lie. I'm out online... anyone who knows how to use google and can read could probaby eventually figure out that I'm poly if they were so inclined to dig for it. The username I use here is the same that I use everywhere, even in professional contexts (I do web development, and I telecommute... and most of my business is picked up from online social networking). So, for the most part I consider myself to be out in professional circles... I might not say it outright to everyone, but it's not a big secret either... and in the community that I work within, it's not proved to be a big deal.

I'm not currently out to my parents, but they have met my boyfriend (Dino) on several occasions. I'm not entirely sure why I'm not comfortable coming out to them, but the dynamic of my relationship with them just doesn't seem to dictate the need to define things. When I introduced Dino to them, I didn't assign him any title like friend or boyfriend, etc. that might indicate how close we were, I just kept it to his name and kept it vague.... and my parents didn't have any inclination to ask any questions even after I was affectionate with both of my partners in front of them. A lot of people think it's a weird dynamic, but it's comfortable for me.

My husband is not out at all to his parents. Likely his father would be fine with it, but he's got a very conservative mother who is also retired who would likely be calling daily to tell us that we're living in sin or somesuch, so for now we've decided to stay closeted to them... BIL and SIL and some cousins might have figured it out because they're friend of mine on Facebook, and I'm not exactly closed about it there.

Dino's been out to his family from the very beginning. Part of that had to do with Facebook (his mom's friends with him on there) and the fact that it just seemed to be the right climate to do so in his family... Within a fairly short timespan, he came out as being in a poly relationship and his sister came out as bisexual.

Neither of the boys are out at work as far as I know...

The question came up in my mind because twice today instances about being out came up...

One, I was at a geek event fairly recently and a woman who works in the same industry that I do and have been fairly professionally friendly with noticed that I was affection with both my husband and boyfriend, and apparently on the second day when I wasn't there, she asked about it when PB (platonic boyfriend, my gay best friend) was helping her fix her computer. He wasn't entirely sure how to respond but he told the truth (which is what I would have done), and wanted to warn me just in case she brought it up to me so it wasn't a surprise.

The second time it came up was because my husband has been looking for a job, and Dino IMed me this afternoon to tell me that his department at his company had an opening that my husband would be a good fit for (husband is miserable at his job, and they've started laying people off, so he's concerned things aren't stable... so Dino's been on the lookout for him in general) and wanted to ask whether he should submit the copy of husband's resume... and in the process of telling me about this, we started talking about "What ifs..." and suddenly Dino, who in general is a very out person about labeling what Husband and I are to him, realized that if Husband got the job it might be awkward to explain to his coworkers that they know each other because they're both involved with the same woman. :lol:
 
wow, your life sounds like mine!
such a breath of fresh air from all the other more pressing issues that sem to come up on here.
phew!
I kinda manage things the same way and just tell it like it is if someone asks or if I know that someone will notice that I have a man on a motorbike visiting me at work and then go out for lunch with another man and kiss him.
 
I'm completely shameless. If you hang around me, you'll see what I'm doing; if you ask about it, I'll tell you. Most people don't ask. Most ignorance is willful.
 
I tell those I trust can understand and accept it. With certain members of my family, it is a dont ask dont tell situation.
 
out to all my friends, out to any family who've asked, i don't work out of the home so thats not an issue for me, hubby is out to his friends, tho i don't beleive any co workers know, but he doesnt have any other loves at the moment so its not really an issue either

basically for us, if anyone asks we dont lie, and we only tell friends or perspective new interests, seems to work so far
 
Well, I haven't had the opportunity to tell anyone yet. :rolleyes: Some of my friends apparently guessed before I did. We will probably tell close friends and let anyone else guess, but I'm not telling my conservative mom or family. We're a quad, though, so we can just be "close couple friends" if we need to. We're in a fairly conservative area, and we all have kids, so I think we're going to be very cautious.
 
Just came out to my parents! My mother's day gift to her...Finally when they ask what I am doing I talk about Redpepper and her family!! Whew..as a sidenote my parents live 4000 miles away so it's easier for me..they won't be knocking on my door HAHA! I love you Redpepper...I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us :)...unless it's bad...yuk!...just kidding Sunshine.
 
Just came out to my parents! My mother's day gift to her...Finally when they ask what I am doing I talk about Redpepper and her family!! Whew..as a sidenote my parents live 4000 miles away so it's easier for me..they won't be knocking on my door HAHA! I love you Redpepper...I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us :)...unless it's bad...yuk!...just kidding Sunshine.
How did your parents take it?

When I was in the FMF triad, I told my parents. But they just pretended that it was a phase or I was sowing my wild oats. I think they pretended it was not happening for the most part.
 
I'm new to the practice of polyamory--, in some respects, anyway. But I've had -- and my love of twelve years has had -- a polyamorous spirit for the duration of our relationship.

I'm getting to a place where I don't hide or withhold much. That feels good. I'm pretty "out" as a bi-queer guy. I can't see why I shouldn't be equally as out as poly. But I don't announce myself as such -- bi, poly -- (either) indiscriminantly and everywhere. Why would I? But if it comes up, I say so. Generally.

My partner, Kevin, and I have explored relationships with others, but none lasting so far--though we've been open to that possibility. We're both intimately involved again with someone we had a sort of fling with a long time ago. It was more sexual than intimate-in-a-whole-way then. It's getting more intimate in a whole way this time. His name is David. We had a good afternoon together, the tree of us, today. But we've decided not to be sexual with David for now, perhaps for a while, while we explore and expand our friendship with him -- which includes warm touch, kisses, handholding....
 
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Out . . .

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Stormsinger (Trisha) my wife of over 30 years and I have been "out" to family and friends before there was even the term Polyamory. Back then we were considered what I guess you'd term an open marriage/swingers. But now a days all who really know us including family know that we don't live a monogamous life style. Even though it's been a few years since I've had any significant other relationship Storm still has several lovers and friends. We don't entertain much at home any more as my 84 year old mother is with us and we care for her in her declining years on this circle.

I guess you can say we've been around the block several times and so far the trip has been interesting to say the least.

Just Me,
Tim
 
I don't feel the need to tell others about my private life. Only a few friends know about it and I asked them to keep it as secret as possible. My friends have no problems with it and that's the most important thing.
 
We used to be out to only friends until our first gf passed away. Then my mom found out because I obviously couldn't hide my grief. When my mom found out, we didn't speak for 3mos.

Until my 18 (at the time) year old sister said to my mother that what my wife and I did in our life was our business. She also told my mother that she was going to have a relationship with me and my wife(s) regardless. (Still tear up when I think about that) After that my mom didn't understand, and still doesn't, but she wanted a relationship with her son more than not. She just asked that I tell her ahead of time so that it wasn't a surprise.

Since then, my entire family (with the exception of my 88 year old Puertorican, REAL TRADITIONAL grandmother...LOL) knows about our lifestyle. When we get invites, it's addressed to all three of us. I have to admit, we were very lucky that everyone took it well. But, it also helped to have an I don't give a f*ck attitude. They realized that we're going to do what we want no matter what. (I think I got that back when I was 16 and realized that I preferred bigger women and wasn't going to let what my friends say stop me from being with women that I preferred!!)
 
Danny, you're actually a lucky guy. Not many people have parents and family that understand and accept this kind of lifestyle. I can imagine that it was hard for your mom to get used to it. It was definitely difficult for her to invite you three to family events. I hope you really appreciate her understanding.
 
Danny, you're actually a lucky guy. Not many people have parents and family that understand and accept this kind of lifestyle. I can imagine that it was hard for your mom to get used to it. It was definitely difficult for her to invite you three to family events. I hope you really appreciate her understanding.

Penny, I'm EXTREMELY lucky!! However let me clarify. My mother still doesn't understand it, she accepts it. (We had this very conversation two weeks ago during Mother-Son bonding day...lol) I do appreciate that she accepts our lifestyle and includes our gf. With time she's gotten much better about it as has the family so I've definately lucked out.

Thanks! :-D
 
How did your parents take it?

Sorry for the late reply, my friend.

My Dad just wants me to be happy but chalks it up to an experimental stage LOL! I came out of a sixteen-year marriage in August so he probably thinks I am running wild.

My mother is just concerned about my daughter because she thinks anyone new in my life will prevent her from seeing her granddaughter. My daughter is almost sixteen and lives with her mom. The choice is theirs to stay in touch. Otherwise everything is good.

It is nice being able to talk about Redpeppper and what we do as a couple and group. Redpepper deserves to be acknowledged. But again..my parent s are 4000 miles away!

They really don't have to understand it to see how happy I am. I beam when I see Redpepper and they can hear it in my voice when I talk about her and what we are buliding :)
 
Wow this feels good!

I just got back from camping with Redpepper and her family as well as another Poly couple and their children. It was great to call my parents and be completely honest about what I did on this wonderful long weekend. I like knowing that they can hear the happiness in my voice. I think simply hearing me this way relieves some of thier concerns. They are very non-judgemental and want me to be happy so, although I won't even pretend they understand my relationship, they do accept it.

As a sidenote..the weekend was great and completely natural! I made new friends and had a nice talk with Redpepper about our individual ideas of what the future holds and what we both want. All three of us have a very positive and exciting expectation for the future. One that involves us always together, sharing and communicating.

Her husband and me are becoming closer and closer which is solidifying my sense of being a positive in thier lives. I am extremely fortunate:)
 
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