Any hinges in a V care to shed some light?

Ssandra

New member
(yes, I know I'm posting here a lot. Too much probably. sorry!!)


Ok; My husband is a hinge (that's what you call it right?) in a V with me and a girlfriend.

I have zero issue with seeing them together and hanging out together. From the short chat that I had with her, it seems that she doesn't have much issue with it either.

I love hearing about their dates together, what they did, how it went, etc. She has no issue with him mentioning me in a conversation (as in; "Sandra and I went to see my parents"). I know this, because she told me.

Yet... my lovely darling husband seems to do his very best to not ever mention me in most conversations with her. "I am going to see my parents" instead of a simple "we are going to see my parents". My husband is the one who is resisting us all being together (just for lunch or dinner, not talking about sex) and finds it awkward to even suggest it to her.

I'd love for us to be able to spend the night together. I wouldn't even mind trying to sleep in the second bedroom while they have the master bedroom. Yet, it would be "too awkward" for my husband.


Anyway... I can accept that this is how he feels, but I don't understand and he doesn't seem to be able to explain it to me. I am not wired like other people, and I don't have the cultural background that he has. So I just want to understand, put myself in his shoes...

Is there anyone here who feels or felt the same, and who would like to try and explain it to me?
 
Don't push it. Just because it's what you want, doesn't mean what you want gets to over-ride what THEY want. If you're really so OMG OK with it like you keep repeating as though you are trying to convince yourself, then let go of this fixation on being all together under the same roof and generously letting them have the master bedroom.

To be completely candid with you, and you probably won't like hearing this, but you are beginning to sound obsessive and a little creepy to me. If i were your husband or his girlfriend, i'd ask for a meeting to discuss "boundaries". You say you're "ok", she's "ok" but clearly, one of you is NOT "ok" and that would be HIM.

tl;dr If you are so "ok" with their relationship, butt out of micromanaging the sleeping arrangements and let them have their space, whatever that means to them.
 
I'm a hinge.
We live together.

However-it is very important to ME to have some privacy in each of my relationships.

It is very meaningful to me, and appreciated, that both of them will ask "how was your day" and allow me to decide if I want to elaborate upon what I did with the other. Instead of trying to drag out of me any details I may or may not feel like sharing.

That said, if there is ANYTHING that could questionably be important, I share it and if for some reason a specific question is asked, I answer it-because honesty is a critical topic to me.
But really-I don't want to re-live every moment with GG, when I'm with Maca or vice versa-I want to spend my time alone with them focused on my time with them-not my time with the other one.
 
Don't push it. Just because it's what you want, doesn't mean what you want gets to over-ride what THEY want. If you're really so OMG OK with it like you keep repeating as though you are trying to convince yourself, then let go of this fixation on being all together under the same roof and generously letting them have the master bedroom.

To be completely candid with you, and you probably won't like hearing this, but you are beginning to sound obsessive and a little creepy to me. If i were your husband or his girlfriend, i'd ask for a meeting to discuss "boundaries". You say you're "ok", she's "ok" but clearly, one of you is NOT "ok" and that would be HIM.

tl;dr If you are so "ok" with their relationship, butt out of micromanaging the sleeping arrangements and let them have their space, whatever that means to them.


Thanks. I appreciate honesty. One of the reasons why I sound obsessive here is because I feel like I can let it out here without bothering either of them.

This post is not about "how can I get my way" but really because I want to understand. I can understand why a girlfriend might not be comfortable being with the wife and I can understand how a wife might not be comfortable being with the girlfriend. I cannot quite understand how the person who loves both persons cannot be comfortable sharing time with both....

I am just looking to understand :)

As for me butting in: I have talked to her twice after this happened and only once about this entire situation. I don't interfere with their sleeping arrangements and I let them have as much space as I can handle at the moment.

I do talk to my husband, but that's because I'm someone who processes things by talking. He is strong enough to tell me to butt out, or to be patient, so I feel safe enough to not have to withhold anything from him.
 
But really-I don't want to re-live every moment with GG, when I'm with Maca or vice versa-I want to spend my time alone with them focused on my time with them-not my time with the other one.

Thanks. That is a good point and not one I had considered before.
 
The reason he is "uncomfortable" having sex with her with you under the same roof is probably because maybe he would feel that way about ANYONE listening to them have sex, or even if you can't hear, HE might FEEL like he can't relax because he's thinking of you thinking of him and thinking about having sex with you while he's doing it with her and it weirds him out and he can't focus on the present? I don't think a person needs to be "wired" a certain way to be able to understand why someone may not want to have sex with one person while the other person is nearby. Also, i don't think it's that unusual for one partner to lean toward voyeurism or exhibitionism while the other prefers to not be seen or heard.
 
The reason he is "uncomfortable" having sex with her with you under the same roof is probably because maybe he would feel that way about ANYONE listening to them have sex, or even if you can't hear, HE might FEEL like he can't relax because he's thinking of you thinking of him and thinking about having sex with you while he's doing it with her and it weirds him out and he can't focus on the present? I don't think a person needs to be "wired" a certain way to be able to understand why someone may not want to have sex with one person while the other person is nearby. Also, i don't think it's that unusual for one partner to lean toward voyeurism or exhibitionism while the other prefers to not be seen or heard.


I guess I understand where this disconnect comes from. I wasn't talking about sex. I was talking about simple things like just watching tv together, or going out for dinner.

I do understand the weirdness around sex, even when I don't share those feelings. I don't understand the weirdness around just hanging out all together, obviously not all the time, just sometimes. Without interfering with the private time that each of us also needs of course.
 
He probably doesn't know how to act, and feels awkward about holding her hand and showing affection to her in front of you the way he normally would, and wouldn't want to ignore either of you.

What's the hurry? Why can't you just give it more time? My spouse has been in another relationship for over a year, and we still haven't all hung out together. Although, i am not really interested in that because i have other things i'd rather do with that time.
 
What's the hurry? Why can't you just give it more time? My spouse has been in another relationship for over a year, and we still haven't all hung out together. Although, i am not really interested in that because i have other things i'd rather do with that time.

The hurry is that I'm being hormonal and pregnant :)

No, seriously though, I know there is not that much of a hurry, except that I will need him close a lot more often once the baby is here, and in my humble opinion it would be easier if we could all hang out together.

But if that doesn't happen..., that's their relationship, not mine and they will have to figure that out for themselves.

And again; this is not meant as a post on "how do I get my husband to do what I want" but a post one "I want to understand how my husband thinks, and he has a hard time explaining it to me in a way that I understand"

I find life is easier when I understand other people's view points. Not to mention that it enriches my life and my own world view.
 
Some people are more open than others

I am a very private person, except with the people I choose to be close with. To my chosen family openness and honesty is a big deal. I could understand not getting to meet someone if the meeting included sex, not everyone is in to that.

Personally when partners bock at meeting for more than a hi, ok, bye, I've found that what has happened was my girlfriend has a tendency to exaggerate here and there and that doesn't look so good and comes out rather quick if we sit down and have a moment to talk.

They're just white lies and not malicious or anything that like, just the typical only showing your best side, so to speak or something silly like who really wears the pants in the family.

A lot of times when people open up their relationship, the first years are sort of like phantasy football, meaning that the spouse may be pretending to be Joe Montana, and it's hard for him to stay in character when his wife is giggling as if it's the funniest thing she has ever seen.
 
Last edited:
Oh I totally understand this. It was the other way around for me. My husband wanted every single detail of what my boyfriend and I were doing and it made me really uncomfortable. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with not being allowed to have a relationship with no privacy. Maybe it was because I didn't need him fishing to find things he wasn't happy with. I never identified it, but I rarely feel awkward about things and here I felt like I was being grilled every time I got together with my bf. I did eventually just give up and start answering some of his questions. I realized it was how he was coping with the new relationship even though it made me a little uncomfortable at first. However, I made it quite clear I felt grilled for information and I didn't like it. We evolved through it, and now he doesn't ask a ton of questions. I think he needed to know that I wasn't hiding anything. I think that once he realized I was going to be completely open and honest, he felt more comfortable. Once in a while he asks a question I am still uncomfortable with. I still haven't identified why yet either.
 
Oh I totally understand this. It was the other way around for me. My husband wanted every single detail of what my boyfriend and I were doing and it made me really uncomfortable. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with not being allowed to have a relationship with no privacy. Maybe it was because I didn't need him fishing to find things he wasn't happy with. I never identified it, but I rarely feel awkward about things and here I felt like I was being grilled every time I got together with my bf. I did eventually just give up and start answering some of his questions. I realized it was how he was coping with the new relationship even though it made me a little uncomfortable at first. However, I made it quite clear I felt grilled for information and I didn't like it. We evolved through it, and now he doesn't ask a ton of questions. I think he needed to know that I wasn't hiding anything. I think that once he realized I was going to be completely open and honest, he felt more comfortable. Once in a while he asks a question I am still uncomfortable with. I still haven't identified why yet either.

For what it is worth, I'm very similar to your husband. I also want each and every detail. Of course, I am not him and I don't know if he wants it for the same reasons....

But for me the reason was NOT to check up, to grill for information or to check if nothing is being hidden. For me the reason is to feel included. To feel part of that part of his life. And also to share in those things that are important to him.

And yes, with time that gets less and less, at least, that's the way it seems to be for me right now.

So, for me it has nothing to do with not trusting him (if I wouldn't trust him I wouldn't have agreed on him dating someone else), but everything with "being a part of...".
 
For me the reason is to feel included. To feel part of that part of his life. And also to share in those things that are important to him.

I never understand it when people say this. I believe all people in relationships are entitled to their own space, freedom, and privacy. You are already an important part of his life, even if you don't have all the details of every little thing he's doing. Why is it necessary to be all up in his business in order to feel "included?" I just don't get it. Sounds like rather deep insecurity to me.
 
I never understand it when people say this. I believe all people in relationships are entitled to their own space, freedom, and privacy. You are already an important part of his life, even if you don't have all the details of every little thing he's doing. Why is it necessary to be all up in his business in order to feel "included?" I just don't get it. Sounds like rather deep insecurity to me.

Oh, it absolutely is some deep insecurity. No argument from me.

And while I work on this insecurity, I need some basic security to feel safe enough to effectively work on it. And he can help me by sharing as much as he (and she of course) is comfortable sharing, even if his natural instinct is to keep things separate.
 
And what if what she's ok with sharing is "nothing"?

Then we would have to talk about it, see where we can reach a compromise.

Not sharing anything is impossible and not healthy in my opinion, since we already share the same guy...

If she is fighting with him, I'd like to know why he is so stressed. That's sharing.

If he needs to stay at home with me because of medical issues, it is good for her to know why he is cancelling. That is sharing.
 
Not sharing anything is impossible and not healthy in my opinion, since we already share the same guy...

If she is fighting with him, I'd like to know why he is so stressed. That's sharing.

If he needs to stay at home with me because of medical issues, it is good for her to know why he is cancelling. That is sharing.

There's a big difference though in 'exchanging important information' and 'sharing every detail'.

him: 'I'm a bit stressed, I just had a fight with X. Sorry if I'm a little absent minded. I might have to call her later and talk some more and see if we can work it out'
you: 'ok honey, sorry you're stressed. If you want to discuss it I'm here, but for now shall I just make you a cup of tea?'

as opposed to him telling you every little detail of his fight with her and you asking for even more details. And the 2 of you probably ending up in a fight yourselves, because fights are so private and personal, when you hear about fights with other people it tends to bring up your own insecurities and hidden fears - been there done that way too many times!


or:
him, to X: 'sorry but I have to cancel our date. Ssandra isn't feeling too well and I'm a bit worried, and want to stay home and keep an eye on her'
X (knowing and trusting he would only cancel if he had a really good reason): 'ok, I'm sorry, I was looking forward to seeing you, but I'm sorry she's not well. Say hi to her and call me when you want to reschedule ok?'

as opposed to:
him, to X: 'Ssandra just threw up and there's vomit all over the floor and I have to go and clean it up and she's crying now because she's ashamed of the mess and I have to go comfort her and God knows if this was the last time for tonight so yeah I have to cancel our date'.
X: 'uhmm.... I did NOT really need to know all that'.
 
There's a big difference though in 'exchanging important information' and 'sharing every detail'.

him: 'I'm a bit stressed, I just had a fight with X. Sorry if I'm a little absent minded. I might have to call her later and talk some more and see if we can work it out'
you: 'ok honey, sorry you're stressed. If you want to discuss it I'm here, but for now shall I just make you a cup of tea?'

as opposed to him telling you every little detail of his fight with her and you asking for even more details. And the 2 of you probably ending up in a fight yourselves, because fights are so private and personal, when you hear about fights with other people it tends to bring up your own insecurities and hidden fears - been there done that way too many times!


or:
him, to X: 'sorry but I have to cancel our date. Ssandra isn't feeling too well and I'm a bit worried, and want to stay home and keep an eye on her'
X (knowing and trusting he would only cancel if he had a really good reason): 'ok, I'm sorry, I was looking forward to seeing you, but I'm sorry she's not well. Say hi to her and call me when you want to reschedule ok?'

as opposed to:
him, to X: 'Ssandra just threw up and there's vomit all over the floor and I have to go and clean it up and she's crying now because she's ashamed of the mess and I have to go comfort her and God knows if this was the last time for tonight so yeah I have to cancel our date'.
X: 'uhmm.... I did NOT really need to know all that'.

And that ^ is why I asked.

In our V, we all live together, so there is (obviously) a lot of shared knowledge. If one of us is really sick for instance, everyone knows.

However-there is A LOT that is not shared knowledge-including WHEN or HOW we have sex, what we do on a date, where we go, when we send texts or emails and what is in them.. I'm sure I could make a list a mile long.
It's not that there are secrets.
There aren't.

In fact, if a question is asked-we are all prone to just answer it even if we think it was rude.

HOWEVER-we came to that point because we all respect that each relationship (mine with Maca, Mine with GG, GG's with Maca) are INDIVIDUAL and each has personal, private details that are ours alone. Furthermore, we alone as a duo are the only people with a right to decide WHAT we define as personal, private details.

So for example: Maca and I decide what we feel is personal and private.
GG and I decide what we feel is personal and private.
AND
we don't owe an explanation to the other party.

IF GG doesn't want me to talk to anyone (including Maca) about his snoring-then it's none of Maca's business. EVEN IF Maca doesn't think it's a big deal or particularly personal.
Likewise if Maca doesn't want me to talk about his favorite color to anyone, no one else gets to insist that it isn't "really" a personal question.
 
I'm currently a hinge in a V and admittedly, I have some trouble talking about details of me and my girlfriend P's relationship with my boyfriend.

He used to ask a LOT of questions, not because he was insecure or was checking up on me, but because he was so excited for me.
I found it a little overwhelming, to be honest. I'd come back from a date and be asked lots of questions before I even had a chance to sit down - let alone digest it.
So I think I came off as a little cold and uncommunicative at first because I didn't really know what I thought/felt about what was going on in the relationship so I felt put on the spot being asked lots of questions.

I let him know this and he stopped asking so many. I do indulge him sometimes though, when I do know how things are, or when one of us has done something particularly sweet for the other and give him all the juicy details, simply because I know it makes him happy - she's fine with that too, I'm pretty sure they gossip about me whenever my back's turned as well :p

This isn't the same as your situation, but perhaps he doesn't say so much because he's still edging into the relationship and hasn't got everything all sorted out in his head yet. It's still quite early and he may just want to be going with the flow of the new relationship and not over thinking it or reliving everything just after it's happened. It wouldn't mean he was trying to hide anything or keep either of you out, just that he's taking his time to get used to everything - it may take time for him to be merge the different parts of his life together (even just in his head), especially when it's quite new, he'll be doing some adjusting too.
 
He used to ask a LOT of questions, not because he was insecure or was checking up on me, but because he was so excited for me.
I found it a little overwhelming, to be honest. I'd come back from a date and be asked lots of questions before I even had a chance to sit down - let alone digest it.
So I think I came off as a little cold and uncommunicative at first because I didn't really know what I thought/felt about what was going on in the relationship so I felt put on the spot being asked lots of questions.

I have often read, here and on other poly sites/blogs, that many people who come home to one partner after being with another need to take some time to re-integrate themselves from one situation into another. There is a readjustment period they need, whether it is an hour of quiet time or a week to absorb everything. It's important that a partner give us the space we need, if we're still processing our experiences.
 
Back
Top