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Old 11-19-2012, 10:37 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 827

This has been an interesting read...I'm sure I read it last year - but since it got bumped I'm going to respond.

If a metamour is not my friend, I might not want to share with them things I would share with my friends. I DO talk about sex with my closest friends sometimes, but don't tell partner A what is going on with partner B or vice versa since I have not asked if they mind. I am curious about stuff that goes on with my lover's partners but unless I have been told otherwise it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. It may be a shared partner, but that doesn't mean I'm in some hive mind. I don't expect what happens in the bedroom must be public domain just because everyone spends time with the same penis. I don't see a difference in a partner giving their other partners a play by play of our last date and them posting it on a forum frankly, neither is fine with me unless I've said it is.

If a metamour is not my friend, I don't imagine they want me privy to what they do when naked, unless they are doing it where I can see. I can only imagine the response I'd get if I started asking my bf for details of his sex life with his wife after she made it clear she thinks I'm a fine person but doesn't want anything to do with me... If somebody I date (including my husband Adam) starts sharing stuff with me that involves a third party, I do check in to make sure the other party is OK with it, and has been informed that it's going to be shared knowledge.

I am not ashamed of sex, but that just means I'm fine with metamours knowing I like sex, or I am noisy and worry the cops will get called on me some day - things that give a big picture idea of who I am as a lover for their partner, but not the details. It doesn't mean I want them to know that last night we did ________ or that I worked up my courage to ask their boyfriend or husband to do ______ to me and I loved/hated it. (Exception - if I brought up a subject that was new or had to be negotiated with a metamour - sex at an event, group sex, whatever - then I would expect it would be discussed.)

I know there are differences between people, I've had metamours that would not want me to know a damn thing about their sex lives, and ones who are turned on by the idea of their sex life being discussed with me and hopefully becoming wank fodder - but unless the other person tells me which one is its, I still file it under NOMB. I do not see how it benefits my life to know things that somebody else wants to keep private as long as it does not break any agreements I have with whichever partner, but I do see how it hurts somebody if I insist on having a right to know things that somebody else doesn't want me to know.

I think a lot of the people piping up for "of course you should be able to share" mean to share sexual successes and joys, but that can be conveyed with "I had a great time last night" and a big grin. I am ALL for sharing if all parties agree, but not sharing is not dishonest. If I get a bruise from one partner and another says "what happened?" I will say if it's from whatever general thing it was from, sex, elbows, biting, cats landing from space - but that doesn't mean it's secretive or shameful if somebody doesn't want me to know they have the most amazing orgasm if they get their nipples stimulated just like this, or that the last 20 times in a row they've done it in the missionary position cause it's easier on their low back... Really, different people do have different comfort levels, and I think that all parties involved should get a say in how information is shared in multi partner dynamics.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 11-19-2012 at 08:32 PM.
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boundaries, comminication, communication, compassion, dadt, empathy, honesty, metamour, metamours, overshare, privacy, secrecy, sex talk, sharing information

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