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  #31  
Old 04-16-2018, 01:59 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Default Update 4/16

Thanks Emm.

I told my mom yesterday and she was supportive of whatever I choose. We talked about options.

Ponytail is processing the whole thing more slowly than Glasses and I are. Which is actually maybe more healthy. I am just vacillating wildly between conclusions — “I have to have an abortion” and “I can’t possibly have an abortion!” So it’s not like I am any more ready to make a decision.

The kids are going to spend the night at my in-laws so the three of us are going to sit down together and talk. I am nervous.
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Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old

Last edited by MsEmotional; 04-16-2018 at 02:02 PM.
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  #32  
Old 04-16-2018, 02:56 PM
breathemusic breathemusic is offline
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A chemical abortion can be performed in the early stages of pregnancy. But if you wait long enough to be able to perform a paternity test, I don't know if that would put you outside of the window where you'd have to have a full surgical procedure if you changed your mind. Just something you should consider when you figure out how long you're willing to wait.

As for paternity, I understand that you're interested in getting the thoughts of the father, but unless you're willing to move out and not live with Glasses, or have the baby live with Ponytail full time and you just visit, or unless you're ready to fully move in Ponytail (which based on past experience and how volatile things have been seems like a high risk), the paternity doesn't really change who's going to have the burden of childcare. If you're not prepared to upend your world and totally change your living situation, then even if the baby is Ponytail's, then Glasses is going to be the person sharing more of the home life and responsibilities of supporting you and the baby, while Ponytail would only be as involved as you all ultimately agreed to from a scheduling/custody standpoint.

So given that info, it's not really clear to me why the biological paternity matters all that much... Like I said unless you are prepared to change your living situation if the baby is Ponytail's.

Ultimstely the choice is yours, and you need to do what is right for you. If that means waiting, wait. But you can already run through both scenarios and have discussions about how that would impact your life. So you can at least have a be eternal idea now if knowing paternity would in fact change the outcome. Or if regardless of paternity, it's going to out you in a situation that you're not comfortable with.
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  #33  
Old 04-16-2018, 09:28 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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You need to ask yourself.

Would you pick Ponytail to be the father of your children? Is he financially, emotionally, and mentally ready to be a father. Can he provide a house, supplies, food, and etc for a child on his own? If your relationship goes to hell and you hate each other is he going to be soneone who ypu can coparent with.?

Is it fair to possibly saddle Glasses with the responsibility of a child that is not his?
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  #34  
Old 04-17-2018, 05:48 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Wow MsE this is one of the most gut wrench threads ive seen on here in a while....if not ever. An actual life or death situation. I very much feel for your situation and the stress this must be causing you.😔

I remember my very strong and detached position on this topic and well as STDís when discussing opening our marriage and after reading this thread Im sure placed in a simliar situation that would have been completely thrown out the window.

One things for sure all the other poly problems seem silly in comparison.

Good luck with whatever you decide. 👍
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  #35  
Old 04-17-2018, 10:47 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Another issue that Butch brought up. If ypu have a child with Ponytail and you and Glasses were to die would he take all the kids to keep siblings together. Could he handle it. Will family accept this child or will they alienate it because it isn't Glasses child.

If it is Glasses baby is Ponytail going to freak out because you had said no to more kids and yet are having another with Glasses.

What is this going to do to you family if you cannot work due to a complication. I ended up on bedrest from 12 weeks on with my youngest. We both almost dies. He cost over 45k to bring into the worl. He almost bankrupted our family. Things were horrible for a long time.
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  #36  
Old 04-17-2018, 12:27 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Default Update 4/17

We all sat down and talked last night. Before we did, I got a phone call with my HCG numbers. The number is now 139, so definitely a pregnancy that seems to be normally progressing. Because my first few blood draws were so low, I think we had all been assuming that this was possibly a non-viable situation. And it still could be, of course. But we are rapidly exiting the “chemical pregnancy, just a late period” phase.

Ponytail expressed fear. That as much as he has wanted a child he always assumed it would be happening when he had a better job and was better-equipped to provide for the child. Glasses expressed his concerns about the effect on the kids, our finances, etc.

Neither of them thought a paternity test was necessary in order to make the decision. Through sobs I explained that, in a way, it felt like a cop-out. If I terminated, I would need to live with that decision for the rest of my life. MY kid was being aborted either way, but by not finding out the paternity they were each absolving themselves of some of the responsibility of living with that knowledge. They understood my feelings, but still felt like the paternity didn’t matter.

I told Ponytail that if I got an abortion he couldn’t ever talk about wanting a kid — EVER. That if he didn’t feel strongly enough to keep this baby now, he couldn’t complain later about being baby crazy and thinking about hiring a surrogate. That it would be like stabbing me in the heart if I went through with an abortion and then he kept complaining to me about how much he wants a kid. He said he could manage that.

I am going to wait at least another week to make the decision. I need to talk to my therapist.

In the meantime, I am simultaneously talking to OBGYNs and abortion clinics. This is a fucking head trip.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
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  #37  
Old 04-17-2018, 02:18 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Many hugs coming your way, MsE! Glad you had a talk with the men and established some boundaries and aired out feelings and addressed practicalities.
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  #38  
Old 04-18-2018, 05:39 AM
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endusal endusal is offline
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I'm sorry you're struggling. This is really a tough situation.

While I think the weight of it all falls disproportionately on you, and you should have all the support you need, I think that the following is a little unfair on Ponytail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsEmotional View Post
I told Ponytail that if I got an abortion he couldnít ever talk about wanting a kid ó EVER. That if he didnít feel strongly enough to keep this baby now, he couldnít complain later about being baby crazy and thinking about hiring a surrogate.
From what I can tell, he is not ready to have a child NOW. To bind him into never expressing such a need even when he becomes objectively and emotionally ready is perhaps rather harsh. I think he understands and is complacent because he is genuinely torn and you're under so much stress, but it's best to be careful with such declarations and not seek to control someone else's future choices. It seems to me this veers into emotional blackmail.

This is likely all emotional talk and it's good to air these feelings, just bear in mind not to let things get entirely out of proportion. This might not be what you need to hear now. If not, file it away.

I really hope you can work this out.
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  #39  
Old 04-18-2018, 05:53 AM
jayblue122 jayblue122 is offline
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The sentiment " if I do this (abortion) then you can't complain about it in the future (wanting kids)" speaks to me that you don't want the abortion. But you would do it for him.

I would think careful about the motivation behind the request.

If it was Ponytail's kid would you want him to have 'primary custody'? That could change the effect the kid would have in your current household and with Glasses, although it would drastically change things for sure.
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  #40  
Old 04-18-2018, 12:13 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by endusal View Post
I'm sorry you're struggling. This is really a tough situation.

While I think the weight of it all falls disproportionately on you, and you should have all the support you need, I think that the following is a little unfair on Ponytail.



From what I can tell, he is not ready to have a child NOW. To bind him into never expressing such a need even when he becomes objectively and emotionally ready is perhaps rather harsh. I think he understands and is complacent because he is genuinely torn and you're under so much stress, but it's best to be careful with such declarations and not seek to control someone else's future choices. It seems to me this veers into emotional blackmail.

This is likely all emotional talk and it's good to air these feelings, just bear in mind not to let things get entirely out of proportion. This might not be what you need to hear now. If not, file it away.

I really hope you can work this out.
I see what you mean. At the time, I was shocked at how Ponytail had changed his mind. For the last 6 months or so, he has been making the following statements:

“I know I want a kid. I just need to find someone to have a baby with me.”
“I am worried that I am never going to find someone to have a kid with me. Maybe I waited too long. All the women my age are married or already have kids.”
“I should have donated sperm to my friends when they asked me...”
“My long-term plan is to hire a surrogate if that’s the only way to have a baby.”

Can you imagine going through the gut-wrenching experience of choosing an abortion because he now feels too scared to have a kid.... and then going right back to listening to these statements? I cannot.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old

Last edited by MsEmotional; 04-18-2018 at 12:17 PM.
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