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Old 04-09-2019, 11:33 AM
LostinPoly LostinPoly is offline
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Unhappy HELP! Need advice!

Well my on and off partner of 8 years and decided we would give polyamory a try. We met swinging and have always swung together. Itís been an amazing experience together and I thought it would take things to a new level. Yes, it was my idea. My main reason, our only issue has always been that he works 7 days a week, 10-15 hour days and my work brought me to move a little over an hour away. Schedules are very difficult. Between work, kids (I took in my deceased cousins 3 kids), and life is hectic. At times, I feel very lonely and this seemed like it could be a solution. We agreed it would be me and this potential new partner 90-95% of the time. I met this woman and went on a date with her. She claimed to be a lesbian that occasionally would have sex with men. She and I had sex after the second date. Now after sex with her I really didnít think there was much chemistry. I found her aggressive, not very femme and very pushy in general. But she was nice and open to the situation. In fact, she expressed no interest in a relationship at all. Just some fun both in and out of the bedroom without strings. Now my BF was coming to town for the night. Was supposed to be a romantic dinner and night in the city. I decided to take advantage of the timing and invited her to meet us after dinner for drinks. I was not expecting her to come back to the hotel or hours of sex but it was fun. In fact she said she couldnít because she had a 6am conference call. Had a great time, but I still longed for that intimate time alone with him. He seemed pretty caught up in the moment and she wouldnít take the hint to leave. I eventually got so upset I walked away from the bedroom for a moment to myself. Now it was known that we all had work in the morning and he needed to be on the road by 6:30 am. We didnít get a moment alone. She literally blew off her 6:00 am conference call and walked out with us. I was very upset and trying hard not to make it anymore awkward. Well...when we were driving to drop me off at home I shared with him what was bothering me. He thought I was being ridiculous and overreacting. He said he really liked it and he thinks he can get used to it. Well the sex part is awesome but he is Asperger. I donít see him being able to emotionally deal with 2 relationships simultaneously. This was the fun part but ok (sarcasm). Afterwards when I spoke to her she outright without any discussion told me I am jealous and controlling and there is no way this is for me. Ok this is a woman that has no type experience in this or swinging. I assured her that wasnít what it was but she kept pushing. I did eventually explain what the issue was and my disappointment in not having an alone intimate time after not being able to do so in 5 months. Usually Iím extremely turned on by watching him with other women. In fact I was with her. However, at one point I wanted her to leave. Iím not one to want to sleep in a bed with anyone either. Itís intimate to me and perhaps I wasnít there with her. I mean I even felt the same way when she came to my house. She stayed the whole night until morning! Itís not my cup of tea. She wasnít completely letting it go but I decided to go out again with her. What seems like a nice night out turned into me saying I needed to get to bed early and work from home early in the morning. She spent a huge part of the night calling me jealous and insecure. I felt like I was defending my relationship and our dynamics. She asked me ďwhat if I told you he gave me his number?Ē Implying he had. Now I have amazing trust in him never doing anything like that but I did ask him (which I hated that she was making me wonder). He said no, BTW. I just said ok, she implied you did. I told him I didnít like that I felt like she was digging to cause issues. Now she definitely didnít express interest in taking him from me. But she did tell me about her history in turning bi women into her long term GF. SOOOOO maybe she was trying to cause trouble. The more she brought it up the more defensive and uneasy she made me. For me it was too much. Too much drama. At one point I was sharing what he and I had discussed about her and she told me that she should be a part of those conversations. That was the point I kinda snapped back. I told her we just all met and are getting to know each other. Weíve been together 8 years and she just got here. She said she did t want any relationship. That we can take things slow and see where it goes. There is no rush. From there she went on to try to get me to join her with groups of other women. She pointed out a few and they didnít seem my type anymore than she did. Iíd had it. I went home. The next morning I told my BF everything about it and I was done with her. The drama was way too much for me.

Now there was a lot also going on in my life, I had drama going on with the kids, at work, in my family dealing with my brotherís death and launching a new business. He was also coming into an extremely busy few weeks. So he seemed upset but I told him to give me a few. 1. I felt a little jaded and wanted us to regroup after that 2. I still want to try again but first I need to take care of things and see what we can learn from this experience and 3. had sooooo much on my plate, I didnít have time to entertain women in anyway. He seemed disappointed but okay with it. However, things have been very cold and icy. When I was asking him if everything was ok he said yes heís just super busy. Now he says he realizes heís been cold and distant and heís been figuring a lot out- hinting a break up. I asked if it had to do with this incident and she said ďshe wasnít the real issueĒ. This is after I kinda snapped at him when I brought up a female friend of mine and he hinted I should hook up with her. Being heís been so cold and distant, it really annoyed me. I told him that had suddenly been the most conversation weíve had in a month.

Heís Asperger and this is how he does when he doesnít get his way. Emotional blackmail. Now things have settled and Iím still a little busy with the business but I didnít stop chatting a little with a few women but I was so annoyed by his reaction that Iíve kept that part to myself. Iím ready to jump back in.

Heís the love of my life. This last attempt together was great and the longest weíve managed without a break. I thought this could be it and we threw around the idea of living together again and starting a family. Iím 41!!! Iím on a clock for that.

1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?
2. Was I wrong about this woman?
3. How can I save my relationship now?
4. Iím still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?
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  #2  
Old 04-09-2019, 07:51 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is online now
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Why did you feel the need to include her when you wanted alone time with him?

Why does he care if you are seeing someone or not?

No, I don't think you were wrong. It sounds like they are a couple manipulators.

It sounds like he is looking at this as some sort of extension of swinging. Like, if you get a gf he gets to have a little fun. You don't need to introduce him to the women you are dating. Maybe do that later if it looks like something that is going to be long term.

Or maybe, in the bigger picture, choose partners who are willing to listen to what you have to say.
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Old 04-09-2019, 08:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I could be wrong but...

1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?

You invited a near stranger to have a threesome when REALLY what you wanted was alone time with your partner. I would not have invited at all.

2. Was I wrong about this woman?

You went too FAST with this woman. Hardly know her really. Now that more time passed, sounds like she likes drama and "inserting" herself into things that aren't her biz. Keep away.

3. How can I save my relationship now?

What's broken? You seem to know how he reacts with his Aspergers. Let him cool off and you cool off.

Because you want to start a family and are on the clock at 41? You may have to decide if you want to deal with the Asperger thing or not long haul. And if not? End it with him and move on to finding another nesting partner.

You already struggle with the mismatched work schedules and LDR sounding thing. Is this a relationship in name only? Is this temporary work schedules? Ask yourself the BIG questions. Don't fixate on small stuff from this one experience with this one woman.

4. I’m still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?

Yes. Go SLOWER. Don't be so fast to leap into sex or leap into group sex.

I know you come from a swinging background, but you aren't trying to swing here are you? You sound like you want poly and maybe starting a family.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-09-2019 at 09:12 PM.
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  #4  
Old 04-09-2019, 08:30 PM
LostinPoly LostinPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
Why did you feel the need to include her when you wanted alone time with him?

Why does he care if you are seeing someone or not?

No, I don't think you were wrong. It sounds like they are a couple manipulators.

It sounds like he is looking at this as some sort of extension of swinging. Like, if you get a gf he gets to have a little fun. You don't need to introduce him to the women you are dating. Maybe do that later if it looks like something that is going to be long term.

Or maybe, in the bigger picture, choose partners who are willing to listen to what you have to say.
We went to a nice dinner and as I said she said she couldnít stay. It was only supposed to be a meet and greet. She also had said she didnít want a relationship so I was treating it a bit more casual. Youíre absolutely right, it went to fast and that probably comes from my swinging background. At the same time, this experience made me wonder if maybe I prefer the more casual anonymous sex. Our agreement was for this to be a triad and yes, he probably is looking at this more of any extension of swinging. Thanks for the insight.
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Old 04-09-2019, 08:32 PM
LostinPoly LostinPoly is offline
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I agree 💯!!!
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Old 04-09-2019, 09:26 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LostinPoly View Post
We went to a nice dinner and as I said she said she couldnít stay. It was only supposed to be a meet and greet. She also had said she didnít want a relationship so I was treating it a bit more casual. Youíre absolutely right, it went to fast and that probably comes from my swinging background. At the same time, this experience made me wonder if maybe I prefer the more casual anonymous sex. Our agreement was for this to be a triad and yes, he probably is looking at this more of any extension of swinging. Thanks for the insight.
Ah, ok. It makes more sense now that it was supposed to be a triad. Triads aren't easy to do.

Nothing wrong with wanting something more casual. My wife and I were in a similar situation to yours. I was away a month or two at a time. I'm poly, but she was more into having FWB type relationships. So she had casual sex while I was gone. Meanwhile, I had my own other relationships. We'd do the occasional threesome, but not with people either of us were dating. Too messy. So there are plenty of different ways to do non-monogamy.
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Old 04-09-2019, 11:18 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from LostinPoly),
Quote:
"How did this all go so horribly wrong?"
I wouldn't say it went horribly wrong, it's just that you are new to poly and are learning a little bit by trial and error. Cut yourself some slack.

Re:
Quote:
"Was I wrong about this woman?"
It sounds like she was not a good fit for you. And she did cause some drama, so I don't blame you for breaking up with her. It's possible that your partner still wants to keep seeing her; if so, maybe he could see her by himself without you being involved. Or is that a bad idea due to how little time he has for you with his work schedule?

Re:
Quote:
"How can I save my relationship now?"
I think you are getting a little overly dramatic here, you said yourself that he is Asperger and that this is how he acts when he doesn't get his way. If anything, you need to decide if you want to stay with him knowing that's how he will act.

Re:
Quote:
"I'm still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?"
Perhaps the thing to do is to schedule things more carefully; that is, don't invite someone to join with any part of your time with him unless you are okay with the possibility that you may not get any time alone with him. Either that or, when you do invite someone to join you and him, and they overstay their welcome, be assertive and tell them, "I hope this is okay, but I would like the rest of tonight alone with him." Don't let yourself be pressured into giving that up.

Just some ideas,
Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-12-2019, 03:12 PM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
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1. How did this all go so horribly wrong?

I think it went wrong when you expected to control how other people would feel. You can't know that someone will want to 90% of the time with you over your partner. You can't know that he will want that. I don't think she was wrong about her expectation to be part of discussions about her and what her role in your life can be. I do think it is unreasonable to invite someone into your bed as a sort of sex toy and expect them to know when to jump back into the toy box.

You say you were hinting at her to leave, but was he? Maybe you had completely different desires and he was happy to give this opportunity his full attention. I think this woman might be more experienced with the reality of polyamory than you are. People often think swinging is an ideal foundation for polyamory but I think it often gives a false impression of how relationships develop outside of casual sex environments.


2. Was I wrong about this woman?

I think she was the wrong person to be involved with while you were doing things this way. Some people would quietly shuffle away but she seems like she takes the bull by the horns and isn't willing to be treated like unicorn is often treated. I think her actions have pushed you to face uncomfortable truths about your relationship

3. How can I save my relationship now?

I'd date separately and make amends for obstructing his relationship with her. It seems like he wants more autonomy in his non-monogamy.

4. Iím still learning the ropes. Any advice to not fall into this craziness again?

Allow people autonomy over their relationships with other people. Don't try to fit people into predetermined boxes.
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Old 04-15-2019, 03:30 PM
LostinPoly LostinPoly is offline
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She knew all of this well in advance. 90% is due to his unavailability. Actually the number was 95%.

I did mention, she said she did not want a relationship but was in it for fun. Then proceeded the give all types of mixed signals.

ďAmends for obstructing his relationship with herĒ? He agreed the drama she was bringing was too much.
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Old 04-15-2019, 03:32 PM
LostinPoly LostinPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Re (from LostinPoly),


I wouldn't say it went horribly wrong, it's just that you are new to poly and are learning a little bit by trial and error. Cut yourself some slack.

Re:


It sounds like she was not a good fit for you. And she did cause some drama, so I don't blame you for breaking up with her. It's possible that your partner still wants to keep seeing her; if so, maybe he could see her by himself without you being involved. Or is that a bad idea due to how little time he has for you with his work schedule?

Re:


I think you are getting a little overly dramatic here, you said yourself that he is Asperger and that this is how he acts when he doesn't get his way. If anything, you need to decide if you want to stay with him knowing that's how he will act.

Re:


Perhaps the thing to do is to schedule things more carefully; that is, don't invite someone to join with any part of your time with him unless you are okay with the possibility that you may not get any time alone with him. Either that or, when you do invite someone to join you and him, and they overstay their welcome, be assertive and tell them, "I hope this is okay, but I would like the rest of tonight alone with him." Don't let yourself be pressured into giving that up.

Just some ideas,
Regards,
Kevin T.

Agreed. The issue is that his time for me is very limited. Like I stated this is more a relationship for me that I can share with him when he is available.
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