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  #81  
Old 02-23-2019, 08:39 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
...my life is pretty amazing right now! I am so lucky. I know I've been saying that a lot lately too but sometimes I feel like I need to give myself a pinch, that this is too good to be true.
Yay!

I had a "Luckiest-Girl-Ever" moment this morning myself. Sometimes I get so caught up with work and life that I am just sailing along on comfortable auto-pilot. But when I stop and take a minute to look around, I still get swept away by how incredible fortunate I am! So MUCH love and support and friendship in my life. Sure, giddy NRE doesn't last forever, but established love can infuse that "golden glow" time after time after time.
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  #82  
Old 02-24-2019, 06:24 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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I'm so glad things are going well for you, Jane! Yeah, I think both NRE and ERI (or whatever it's called) have their plusses and minuses. I wouldn't mind dropping the insecurities and anxiety and getting more into the comfortable stage but I also don't want to lose the shivers and chills when we touch and I know that'll happen.

There was a neat article written on Fetlife recently so I can't link to it, but it talks about why we pretty ourselves up for new people and not as much for old partners and links it to insecurity and discomfort feeling vulnerable rather than the idea that the new is more important. That actually makes a lot of sense to me and was rather timely because when Charles cancelled on Tuesday I didn't want to bother shaving my legs and then when he said he was coming after all, just late, that I rushed to go do it! I don't always shave for Henry because he couldn't care less and I don't mind him seeing me with man-legs :P Not sure I'm ready for Charles to see me like that!

We did have some really good talks yesterday though. It was date night at his place, and he made me a delicious dinner, shanghai noodles in peanut sauce. I don't get to eat peanuts much because both Henry and my son are deathly allergic to them, so it was definitely a treat for me.

Then we pretty much spent the evening in his bed, talking and snuggling and having sex. The conversations were so good though. I think I feel a lot more secure than I did even a month ago. I still don't know what the future will hold and if this relationship has what it takes to be a long term runner, but I'm trying not to worry about that. For now, it's good, and we're both happy and in love. I'll take that

I just wish he had a bigger bed! He's only got a double, and his room is so small that I doubt a larger bed would fit. But I tend to move around at night and I don't think we could sleep well together in it. I've got a king size bed and I like having my space at night. It's a wee bit frustrating to have to call a cab home late at night when I'm exhausted because I can't stay there.
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Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #83  
Old 02-25-2019, 01:46 AM
icesong icesong is offline
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All her articles are here too - https://poly.land/2019/02/21/why-don...or-me-anymore/.

For me, Iím much MORE willing at this point to let Artist see me without makeup or in clothes that arenít ďsexyĒ, although I do try to shave because, well, I KNOW if I see him weíre having sex and I donít like unshaven sex as much from the point of view of disliking the feel of someone touching stubble. (I always feel like a bad feminist because I am pretty dedicated to keeping everything from the eyebrows down hairless, but itís not about the patriarchy or beauty expectations, itís about wanting to be touched. Possibly if I could let it grow long enough to get soft thatíd change, but after 24 years shaving I donít think thatís gonna be a thing.)d
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  #84  
Old 03-06-2019, 08:57 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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Thanks icesong- I didn't know she had her posts off Fetlife! I don't know that I see body hair being a feminism kinda thing, personally. I prefer my husband when he shaves his face stubble so it doesn't hurt my face. My boyfriend likes some aspects of crossdressing and he keeps his legs shaved so they feel smooth and nice too. Hair is fine long or it's fine shaved but it's awful in between!

In the winter if I'm not dating anyone other than my husband I don't usually shave all that often, so it does get soft. My legs look kinda weird to me then but it saves on razors and he doesn't mind so I just leave it wild.

Things are low key but good, and I think that's probably a really good thing. That means it's how life is right now

Charles and I still have our dedicated date night once a week and try to squeeze one in on the weekend but it seems to be about half the time now. He keeps really busy! I wonder how often mono people normally see their partners? I'm getting the impression that poly would be tough in general for Charles because I don't know where he'd fit in the extra date time!

On the plus side, he's been sending me sweet texts and telling me how much he misses me and can't wait to see me. That certainly helps a woman's ego!

Henry and I were talking the other day and he let me know it's fine whenever Charles wants to stay over after date night. He has the past three or four weeks but there always seemed to be circumstances. This time there wasn't really any but he says he doesn't mind if it's a regular thing. I appreciate that!

It really does suck going home late at night. And if we can't sleep together at Charles' place because his room won't allow for a larger bed, then at least we can sleep together at mine.

Henry and Charles are still getting along well too which is awesome. I like that they are friends outside of me, that they genuinely like each other. Although Henry says it looks like I have a type because they are very similar in a lot of ways. I remind him that he was way outside my usual type so who knows! The two of them went to a submissives discussion group a few days ago and it was good for both of them. Honestly, I wish I could go- the topics they pick are pretty awesome! But it's only for the right side of the slash so instead I just ask for a recap when Henry comes home.

Last night was nothing special, and I guess I'm enjoying that a little. Charles came over after work, Henry had made a delicious dinner and then he went off to his maker space for the weekly event. We played board games with the small human (Nuclear War) and then a game of Codenames Duet together. We won but I think I need to practice giving clues!

We did some BDSM play which was a lot of fun, had some great sex, and then went to sit in the hot tub. It was such a beautiful night, clear so we could see the stars and cold enough so we could really crank the hot tub and enjoy the contrast. It's my favourite place for conversation other than bed.

But that really zapped my energy! I normally have a 40-60 min sleep latency due to my disorders (which is awful but what can you do) and I was so tired I was starting to slur my words a little so we went to bed and I was out like a light. That was a pleasant surprise!

When we were all snuggled up together before I turned off the light, he told me that I'm wonderful. It just felt so good. I swear I feel like I have to pinch myself because things just can't be going this well. Now if my ex husband wasn't such an ass and my health improved, I'd think I was actually dead and in heaven or else asleep.

Weight loss is still going well, I'm down another 2lbs this week for a total of 27.6lbs. It's slower than before but I'm also much more sedentary than before so it makes sense.

I made this super delicious lunch from one of those meal delivery services where they send you recipes and ingredients and you cook it yourself. We were given a free box as a referral from a friend. I'm not going to keep the subscription because it's just stupid expensive compared to what my grocery budget is (I'm a crazy couponer) but the food we got this time was great and I think this is going to become a regular lunch! Quick and easy.



Seared Mediterranean chicken with orzo, goat cheese, and vegetables. OMG delicious and healthy too.
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Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #85  
Old 03-09-2019, 05:46 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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Feeling kinda down today. Kiddo is with my ex husband for his fake wedding which is really irking me. I think it's just plain rude to have a destination "wedding" and not tell your guests that it's a vow renewal and not an actual wedding. Kiddo knows they got legally married in December 2017 and was very hurt that he wasn't invited to it. They wanted him to come to this big party though. I wonder what will happen if he accidentally lets it slip that it's not a legal wedding. Hopefully my ex won't gaslight him to avoid losing face.

Kiddo was all mixed up about going. He wanted to and didn't want to. Ultimately, he didn't really have a choice though because of the timing. Our separation agreement says that my ex is entitled to every other March Break and if he misses one that he has right of refusal on the next. Well, he's never taken Kiddo for a March Break since he barely sees him anyway, so it would have been difficult to avoid trouble if I'd said no to this, notwithstanding the fake special occasion.

Kiddo has been texting me all morning though about how he's not having fun. It breaks my heart. It's an evening party too and that's going to be doubly hard on Kiddo because he needs his sleep and they don't really seem to worry about that.

I had planned to throw a house party tonight so that I'd have a bit of a distraction and not sitting home and brooding about Kiddo, but the forecast is for freezing rain tonight and most of the party guests cancelled so Henry and I just decided to postpone. We had already started making the food though which sucks.

He suggested I just have a date night with Charles, who was supposed to be coming to the party anyway. But then Charles texted me and says he's sick and since Henry is immunocompromised, I have to be really careful about germs because even a little cold can mess him up for weeks. So date night tonight and our regular Tuesday night is cancelled.

I know it's not reasonable but I'm feeling a little sad and sulky right now. Henry and I are still going to have a nice dinner tonight since the food is cooking, but we're both feeling off now so who knows what we'll do after that. It feels like such a waste of our very limited childfree time.
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Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #86  
Old 03-24-2019, 07:08 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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One of the things I hate about having a chronic illness is that I can be doing so well and then it's like the boom slaps down to remind me that this is just temporary and no, I can't forget that I'm sick and it's not going anywhere.

This past week has been really tough. My sleep has been erratic and poor so I've been irritable and out of sorts and not able to get much done.

Kiddo is back though, so that's good at least.

I haven't seen much of Charles the past two weeks since he was sick. We did get together for our regular date night this past week but then he had so much stuff to catch up on that we weren't able to fit in a weekend date as well like we usually do. I'm feeling a little whiny about it but not much to be done.

On the plus side though, when Charles came over and Henry made dinner like he usually does, I had picked out something special from the Goodfood meal service and so I got to have the most amazing dinner with both my men. We had scallops St Jacques over gnocchi- way off my weight loss plan but worth every bite. And we opened a bottle of my favourite Cakebread chardonnay to go with it. OMG. But talk about pretty awesome kitchen table poly moments, anyway.

I'm just feeling kind of distant and miserable in general. Henry and I did have some good times while we were kidfree. Some great sex, a road trip, and then just a pretty good balance between what we wanted to do and what we needed to do. There's just never enough time though.

At least the weight loss continues to go well. I am down nearly 32lbs now. Still a long way to go, but given that I'm not following my program exactly and still incorporating deliciousness like those scallops, that's a pretty solid loss and I'm happy with it.
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Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #87  
Old 04-15-2019, 01:58 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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I guess I haven't been writing as much because things have just been swimming along pretty smoothly. I've also been pretty focused on writing in my weight loss blog and providing assistance to other people online who are following Nutrisystem, so that's had a bunch of my attention. I've also been busy working on decluttering and purging and reorganizing my house so that we can start some badly needed renovations. It hasn't been painted since it was built in 1997 and the carpet is builder standard. Half my kitchen cupboards won't close and I have drawers that won't open. But until we get rid of this clutter... I'm not just moving it around :P It's taking so much of my energy and I haven't had much lately.

Henry and I went to a BDSM party last night and had a lovely time. We wound up co-topping a friend of ours who is a great bottom to play with. Henry doesn't often get a chance to top, so it was interesting and a little different. But I feel like I can honestly say that the two of us are a great team, pretty much whatever we're doing. It felt pretty good to be outside our conventional lines and still be having a wonderful time.

Things are going well with Charles, too. He asked me recently if I wanted to celebrate our anniversary, which is coming up in a few months, and I do. I think a year is something noteworthy, and I also kinda want to do something special and fun. Charles and I don't really get blocks of time together, and I'm kind of hankering for that. It's been triggering some self examination, actually.

We've been dating for a while ish now and I just still feel like it's new. Not necessarily in terms of NRE, although there's still that. More like I just don't know him as well as I'd like. I know that there are many parts of me I'm still not comfortable sharing with him the way I am with my husband, and I still feel anxiety over him deciding I'm not worth it or we just don't click or anything, and I don't trust him enough to let go all the way yet. I can't really remember at what point I was like that with my other partners, or if it even matters because I really am getting reinforcement that each relationship is different and will pick its own path. But the result remains that I really do want that closeness with him... and part of me is worried that something is wrong that I don't have it yet. I don't know if it's that we don't spend enough time together for what I want, or if we just need more longevity or I don't know? But it's something I've been thinking about.

Either way, I want to do something extravagant and fun for our anniversary that will give us a block of time together where we don't have to worry about time or responsibilities or anything but enjoying each other. I know that's not really reality either... and maybe it's more poly bubble stuff? But I want it anyway :P

I don't really know yet. I kind of want to go on a little bit of a vacation but I don't know if it will fly with budgeting. But I'm enjoying the flight of fancy anyway (and the bad pun!).

My wedding anniversary with Henry is coming up next month as well and we've made plans that are somewhat low key but meaningful. We don't want to do anything big because next year there is a family trip we're both saving up for. But I think our plans are lovely and we'll enjoy them anyway. We're going to get the same food and dessert we had at our wedding, have that with a bottle of Dom Perignon we got as a wedding gift, and just enjoy ourselves together.

Sometimes I really think I do have to pinch myself to have two such wonderful men in my life!
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Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #88  
Old 04-30-2019, 05:42 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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I've been really exhausted lately for no particular reason. I suspect it's just the usual cycle of how my sleep disorders work, but it sucks. It's just frustrating since I'm already taking stimulant medication and I kinda thought it would work better as I lost weight, but apparently not. I know the dose isn't too high, but it seems like these exhaustion cycles just can't be helped.

Charles and I did indeed book a trip, so I am extremely excited about that. We are spending 7 days in the Dominican Republic in June! Charles hasn't really traveled much at all since he was a kid, and so hopefully he will get bitten by the bug. I love to travel but finances don't permit it the way they used to when I was still married to my ex husband. We got a fabulous deal though and I can't wait.
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Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #89  
Old 05-08-2019, 06:29 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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I think I'm starting to feel more relaxed about things with Charles, which is nice. I am starting to just enjoy hanging out and chatting and being a little more myself.

It's just funny because I don't think of myself as not being fully me- I tend to think of myself as generally being a very open and forward person. But it's taken this relationship to show me that I do keep quite a lot of me in reserve. I think the only person who really sees all of me is Henry, and that's because I've come to trust that I can show him all of me and it will be OK. I know it's only been not quite five years together, but he knows me better than my ex husband ever did. It's funny how relationships can be so different, isn't it?
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Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #90  
Old 05-13-2019, 12:39 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is online now
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I don't really know what's been going on with my body lately. I think there's something up with my hormones, but according to a blood test they're within the normal range. Part of me wonders if I am usually not in the normal range then because I don't feel like myself.

I've been having some pretty crazy mood swings lately and it's been really unpleasant. Henry has been taking good care of me, though. I have pretty much been coming home and heading straight into the tub and spending my evenings there with a book. He was such a sweetie that he baked me zucchini chips and brought them to the tub for me.

Last night Henry and I had a house party, and Charles came too. We had a good time hanging out with our friends and drinking martinis and playing board games. It's always nice to socialize a little bit. Charles wasn't planning to spend the night since he had a lot of family stuff to do today, but he decided to come upstairs and cuddle for a little while, and then decided he didn't want to leave. I guess I am just irresistable Or that it was late and we were both tired and had been drinking lol. But it was still really good to be with him. We didn't have sex because tired, but we cuddled up so close and he told me the only way we could be closer was if he was inside me. I had all those wonderful feelings flowing and I just felt so happy to have him with me.

Despite all the frustrating things going on, I still recognize that I have two amazing partners, and I know that's two more than some people get. I feel very grateful to have them in my life.
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Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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